Break my Heart and Hope to Die- Chapter 2

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Chapter 2- Blinded by the Light

When summer nights grew longer, crisper and warm days shortened their time, I enrolled in a school named Hawthorn Academy. My parents had insisted that I was depressed and obviously needed a more open environment, meaning more money for school. I had insisted that I didn’t need a new school, but they said it was either a psychiatrist for all the trauma I had to endure (which they didn’t know half about) or a new school, so I chose the school.

The Hawthorne Academy is exactly the type of school my old school detests. The north side of town is a gated community and every adolescent goes to a private school made just for them to keep them separated from the south side of town. The school is huge and very few people from my school has ever seen it from across the gate. It’s like a college campus, as they’ve described it, where spoiled, rich kids learn while sipping lattes and playing on their Mac Pros.

Why would I agree to such an outrageous ordeal? Number one, I had begun to worry about my friend’s safety, even though I had tried keeping my distance it seemed that wasn’t working. Number two, I couldn’t face the people at my school after Ryan had died. Number three, I really didn’t want to go to a psychiatrist. So I began my sophomore year in Hawthorne Academy.

My first day started out like no other, until 5th period came. It was right before lunch and I could hear my stomach growling and rumbling, demanding lunch. I was so embarrassed, I tried to stifle the groan my stomach gave off in class, but someone had to notice.

“You hungry?” a boy with dirty blonde hair whipped his head towards me as my stomach gave off another moan. I blushed deeply by the boy’s question.

“No,” I lied, trying to muffle the sound with my hand clutching tighter. To my surprise, the boy smiled at me. It wasn’t a smile of pity like most do, usually looking away, but he actually seemed concerned.

“Don’t worry, lunch is really soon. You just need to suffer through Biology to get there.” He winked, then turned around in his seat to face the teacher. I was amazed at how easily he spoke to me, because it seemed that no one had the nerve to do it. I was the odd new girl, the one who looked depressed and had shocked nerves. Who would speak to such a jumpy, paranoid girl? I came to the conclusion this boy must be just simply excited about the new day and is simply chatting away to everyone.

When life biology ended, I quickly scooped up my text books and headed for the door.

“Need any help with that?” a question came from behind me. I closed my eyes and sighed. He obviously wasn’t going to be easy to get rid of.

“No, I’m fine,” I answered curtly. I strode towards the door at a quick pace, trying not to notice the boy who was following like a lost puppy trying to find his home.

“My name’s Jason, by the way.” he said as he kept up with my pace. He continued walking beside me as I remained silent. He decided to fill in the pause. “I don’t think I’ve seen you before.”

“You haven’t, I’m new. My name is Jen.” I said quietly. He beamed at my reply, just because I was actually talking to him. Jason’s smile made my heart flutter for some God-awful reason. Why did he decide to torture me now?

“Well it’s a pleasure to meet you and welcome to Hawthorne. i know it might be a little intimidating at first, but once you get to know the Academy it’s great. Why don’t I show you around?” he offered. I closed my eyes and shook my head, clutching my text books securely to my chest and having my hair fall over my face.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” I told him. He looked confused, the sky blue of his eyes clouding. What I couldn’t understand is why he wouldn’t just leave me alone.

“Why not?” he asked. His eyes looked sad, something hard to look at. I looked down and shrugged, starting to give into his puppy dog plea. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t simply walk the other way and leave me alone.

“I guess it couldn’t hurt...” I said reluctantly. Jason’s face instantly brightened, like a child receiving candy. His teeth were pearly white and catching the lights in the hallway, making it gleam. I smiled slowly, unable to stop myself. After mentally reprimanding myself, I followed Jason on his tour and walked towards lunch.

Lunch was crowded to the brim with people of every kind, forcing people to eat outside or squish in with others. Goth refugees sat in corners, lighting up cigarettes and not touching their food. Nerds sat in small assorted clusters, like smart, weird, and loud groups. The artsy group sat together, a variety of musically and artistically inclined students. Populars sat in a small crowd with a table to themselves, for no one would dare sit anywhere near them. This happened to be where Jason was taking me to sit down.

“Hey man!” Jason high-fived a large jock, who was measuring at least six six, at the table. He loomed over Jason, who was around six feet tall and definitely me, I was five seven. Girls in short shorts and tight shirts that exposed their midriff greeted Jason in the same manner, except a bit more flirty.

“Who’s your girlfriend?” a short girl with blonde hair and a pixie cut asked. She had olive green eyes that had a spark of interest. The girl was beyond beautiful, even more gorgeous than Sara, my old friend. Her remark didn’t even bother me as much as it should have, even though Jason’s face was going beet red.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” he said defensively. “Her name is Jen.”

“Well I wouldn’t be all too surprised if you did find a new girlfriend on the first day back to school.” she said, making Jason’s face reach an even darker shade of red, if that was even possible. This time I blushed as well.

A few girls at the table turned to welcome me with smiles and offers to show me around. Most of the boys at the table flirted, to my intense surprise, showing off their muscles. I sat quietly giving responses when needed and feeling totally out of place. I couldn’t understand why I was here and why they accepted me so quickly as one of their own; but I knew I couldn’t get used to it. They would have to leave me some way or another.

When lunch ended I took a deep breath, ready to complete my few ending periods. That’s not exactly what happened, though.

“Jen, what’s your next class?” Jason asked curiously. “I’d love to show you around more.” He gave me a smile that would melt hearts, but not mine. It was made of solid ice.

“Thanks but no thanks.” I replied rudely. Anything for him to just leave me alone.

“Aw, come on. You can skip your Music History class, right?” he asked with his electric blue eyes piercing through me. They seemed to change so much, and it bothered me that his eyes were only focussed on me. Is it so hard to just leave a girl alone?

I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized what he had asked.

“How the hell do you know I have Music History next.” I said, unnerved. He just shrugged.

“We have the same schedule.” he said. This could have easily been said as a question or statement. Stalker much? I exhaled, irritated.

“It’s my favorite class.” I lied. It seemed I was doing that a lot around Jason and I had just met him. But what harm could it do when I was trying to save him?

“So you’ll have it tomorrow. Trust me, you won’t miss anything on your first day.” Jason said this slowly, so I could think over my response. Although I already knew mine and so did he.

“I’m going to class, so if you want to ditch go right on ahead. I’m not stopping you.” I said and walked off towards my locker. This time Jason didn’t follow.
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Hi, Selene! I'm answering your request on my "Will Review for Food" thread. Hope I can be of some help to you today :D

Number one, I had begun to worry about my friend’s safety, even though I had tried keeping my distance it seemed that wasn’t working.


This is kind of an awkward sentence. I suggest rewording it just a tad.

I closed my eyes and sighed. He obviously wasn’t going to be easy to get rid of.


Why would she want to get rid of him? Doesn't she enjoy the interest he has in her? Doesn't she want a friend? I would explain more here just so the reader doesn't get confused.

This could have easily been said as a question or statement.


This is a pretty awkward statement. Maybe try: This could have been easily said as a question or a statement or something like that.

I lied. It seemed I was doing that a lot around Jason and I had just met him.


When did she lie before? Emphasis that more earlier so the reader knows what you are talking about here.

~ ~ ~ ~

All right, I think you did pretty well for the first meeting of these two characters, but I felt you were really wishy-washy with Jason's character. When we first meet him, he's this sweet little boy who I can just imagine as a perfect image of cupid for some reason :oops: (strange, I know) and then, he switches after the lunch scene to this mature guy who is urging her to skip class so he can be with her. I'm not sure I like the change too much :? Either keep him sweet or mysterious. You can't have both, at least, not in that extreme cases like that.

Otherwise, you did pretty well, like I said. Just correct the things I pointed out above and also, include more of Jen's thoughts. I don't know what she's thinking all the time and it's hard to get a good feel of why she's pushing him away and what her past is like, you know?

Just work on those things and I think you'll be fine :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Hi! :) Interesting story here- There looks like there is a lot more behind it than meets the eye :D On with the review!

When summer nights grew longer, crisper and warm days shortened their time


I think it would make more sense to add a comma after warm so then the 'crisper and warm' part is describing the summer nights growing longer. I'm not that keen on 'days shortened their time' perhaps you could change it a bit to 'the days shortened'.

My parents had insisted that I was depressed and obviously needed a more open environment, meaning more money for school. I had insisted that I didn’t need a new school, but they said it was either a psychiatrist for all the trauma I had to endure (which they didn’t know half about) or a new school, so I chose the school.


I'm not that clear about your meaning on 'meaning more money for school'- do you mean they are spending more money on a different school? I'd make the meaning clearer by rephrasing it to something like 'meaning spending more money on a new school.'

I think the part in brackets needs to be 'Which they didn't know the half about'.

I'd look back through here and see how many times you say school in this paragraph and in the next- I think you need to miss it out where you can as otherwise it becomes repeated too often.


My first day started out like no other, until 5th period came.


Like no other means differently, which would make sense as she is starting at a new school but then you say it changes at 5th period whereas it actually just gets more confusing- did you mean to put 'started out like any other' so ordinary?

I was so embarrassed, I tried to stifle the groan my stomach gave off in class, but someone had to notice.


I'd change the comma after embarrassed to a dash.

I blushed deeply by the boy’s question.


I think at would make more sense here than by.

“No,” I lied, trying to muffle the sound with my hand clutching tighter. To my surprise, the boy smiled at me. It wasn’t a smile of pity like most do, usually looking away, but he actually seemed concerned.


I think you need to specify where your hand is clutching tighter as you never mentioned holding your stomach before- only that you tried to stifle the sound. I'd either add in about how you tried to stifle the sound (perhaps wrapping your arms around your stomach) beforehand or say clutching tighter around my stomach here.

I was amazed at how easily he spoke to me, because it seemed that no one had the nerve to do it. I was the odd new girl, the one who looked depressed and had shocked nerves.


I'd add 'else' on the end of no one and I'm not sure about shocked nerves- perhaps you could re-write this to say something about jumping at everything or acting nervous.

I came to the conclusion this boy must be just simply excited about the new day and is simply chatting away to everyone.


I don't think this is a very good reason- if you said the first day back at school it might make more sense and I wouldn't repeat simply, I think you should either leave it out or replace it with something else.

I strode towards the door at a quick pace, trying not to notice the boy who was following like a lost puppy trying to find his home.


I'd leave 'trying to find his way home' off the end and 'who was' before following, as the sentence might flow better without it. I'd add 'behind' after following too and you could replace 'not to notice' with 'to ignore'- all in all something similar to this 'I strode towards the door at a quick pace, trying to ignore the boy following behind like a lost puppy.'

“Well it’s a pleasure to meet you and welcome to Hawthorne. i know it might be a little intimidating at first


i needs to be I :)

I closed my eyes and shook my head, clutching my text books securely to my chest and having my hair fall over my face.


Why is she closing her eyes? It seems a bit of an odd thing to do. I'd rephrase the last part to something like 'clutching my textbooks securely to my chest with my hair falling over my face'.

His eyes looked sad, something hard to look at. I looked down and shrugged, starting to give into his puppy dog plea. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t simply walk the other way and leave me alone.


You've just talked about his eyes so I wouldn't again here- perhaps just saying that he looked sad. Instead of 'something hard to look at' 'and it was hard to look at' might allow the sentence to run smoother.

His teeth were pearly white and catching the lights in the hallway, making it gleam.


Instead of catching I think you should say caught and instead of 'it gleam' 'them gleam'.

Lunch was crowded to the brim with people of every kind, forcing people to eat outside or squish in with others.


I think you should say 'lunch hall' or something like that instead of just lunch and I'm not that keen on 'people of every kind'- perhaps 'all manner of people' or 'a strange combination' or something similar.

Nerds sat in small assorted clusters, like smart, weird, and loud groups.


I'd add 'the' after like.

He loomed over Jason, who was around six feet tall and definitely me, I was five seven


Instead o f 'I was five seven' 'who was only five seven' might carry on from the sentence a bit better.

She had olive green eyes that had a spark of interest.


I think 'that sparkled with interest' might be better way of phrasing this.

she said, making Jason’s face reach an even darker shade of red, if that was even possible.


I'd get rid of one of the even's here so you're not repeating it :)

They would have to leave me some way or another.


I'd leave out 'have to' unless there is a meaning here that I don't know about yet :? because why would they have to?

When lunch ended I took a deep breath, ready to complete my few ending periods. That’s not exactly what happened, though.


From how you ended this part it sounds like this did happen.

How the hell do you know I have Music History next.” I said, unnerved.


As its more of a question I would change the full stop to a question mark and say asked instead of said.

Overall: Sorry for the long list of nitpicks but I really did enjoy reading this! I like how different the characters are to those typically described and there is definitely an air of mystery to it all, nicely done ;)

I noticed that you forgot to capitalise the first letter of the word after speech sometimes so I'd correct that. Other than that I think punctuation was pretty good- any mistakes I noticed I pointed out :) I think you phrased things in a bit of a confusing way sometimes- I have pointed out where I think work needs to be done and made suggestions on possible replacements and stuff but you don't have to listen to me :P

You've gotten across the character of Jen well but I'm a bit confused by Jason- at first he comes across a bit nerdy, then he becomes all popular. All the way through he is running around after Jen- and why would he do that if he's popular? Or is that one of the mysterious things? I think I have got a good image of him in my head image wise though so well done on that front. Jen- I'm not sure how she looks-I think you could add a bit of description there.

The big question I had around this piece was why was Jen not wanting him to like her?! At first she comes across as nervous and upset, but surely she would want a friend. It sounds like she does to begin with- putting herself down and being surprised that he is talking to her. But then she keeps on being mean to him! Is there some reason we don't know about yet? If there is something, I would hint more at it, like having her think that he seems like a nice guy but she couldn't get him involved in her life or something. You also mention she has a heart of ice- I wouldn't really have thought this of her and she does seem affected by his puppy dog eyes so its not entirely true. She becomes more and more confident towards the end of this piece- its a bit confusing.

There's not a lot of detail on the surroundings, how does she feel about being in a new school? Is it a lot bigger? You've described the reputation of it but not the actual building and I think that could be good.

OK so all in all, there is quite a bit of mystery, which is good but can lead to confusion if it gets too complicated or has no explanation- perhaps by adding more of her thoughts on what is going on and how she feels (with explanation behind them, like when she doesn't want to be friends with Jason, hinting at why) it would clear things up more :D Other than that, I really enjoyed this piece!

Hope I've helped :)
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Thanks for the reviews guys! :D

Ashleylee- Yeah, I'll have to fix Jason's character, but it's true, he is confusing. This is all in Jen's POV, so she's new to all this. It's very confusing for her as she begins to see other characters. It doesn't occur to her that those puppy-dog eyes are really flirting and his politeness is taken into account so fast he's not thought of as the "bad-boy" type.

Pippie- I wanted these characters to have a lot of depth to them, because the whole point of this story is experimenting with non-clichéd characters and plot. I'm trying my very best not to make them confusing, but I guess I'll just have to try harder.

Jen pushes Jason away because of the fact he can get very hurt from being around her, or so she thinks ;). I explained a bit about that in the last chapter, and the whole idea of moving to a new school is to get away from her old friends so she can't hurt them. She's recently recovering from the loss of a friend that was very dear to her, as well, and wants Jason to leave her alone for multiple reasons.

I'm glad you enjoyed my chapter. :)
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I've finally gotten a chance to sit down and review this! Sorry it took me so long. :)

When summer nights grew longer, crisper, and warm days shortened their time, I enrolled in a school named Hawthorne Academy.

It sounded like you were saying crisper and warm to describe the type of days that shortened their time, and crisper and warm don't go together. You spelled it "Hawthorne" for the rest of the chapter. :)

Number one, I had begun to worry about my friends' safety; even though I had tried keeping my distance, it seemed that wasn’t working.


I was so embarrassed; I tried to stifle the groan my stomach gave off in class, but someone had to notice.


I came to the conclusion that this boy must be just simply excited about the new day and is simply chatting away to everyone.

You used simply twice in one sentence- may want to rethink that. ;)

When Life Biology ended, I quickly scooped up my text books and headed for the door.


“You haven’t, I’m new. My name is Jen,” I said quietly.


“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, and welcome to Hawthorne. I know it might be a little intimidating at first, but once you get to know the Academy, it’s great.


“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” I told him. He looked confused, the sky blue of his eyes clouding.

I love the description in the second sentence.

He loomed over Jason, who was around six feet tall, and definitely me, I was five seven.


“Well, I wouldn’t be all too surprised if you did find a new girlfriend on the first day back to school,” she said, making Jason’s face reach an even darker shade of red, if that was even possible.


I sat quietly, giving responses when needed and feeling totally out of place.


When lunch ended, I took a deep breath, ready to complete my few ending periods.


“Thanks, but no thanks.” I replied rudely.


They seemed to change so much, and it bothered me that his eyes were only focused on me.


“How the hell do you know I have Music History next?” I said, unnerved.


“We have the same schedule,” he said.


“It’s my favorite class,” I lied. It seemed I was doing that a lot around Jason, and I had just met him.


Although, I already knew mine, and so did he.


“I’m going to class, so if you want to ditch, go right on ahead. I’m not stopping you,” I said and walked off towards my locker. This time, Jason didn’t follow.

You should omit the underlined "on". :)


Hi! Glad to see you posted another chapter! And I'm glad I finally sat down and reviewed it! Now I see where the story's going. Jason is... interesting. He seems very eager, and too kind to be with what you would stereotype as the popular crowd. He seems like a nice guy, but did he know he liked her before he asked her if she was hungry? If not, how did he take the time to know they have the same schedule?

Post more when you can!

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Music
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i liked it :D
the parts before this one seemed a bit... i dunno... odd?
but this chapter was interesting
the characters can be confusing at times (jason came over as a nerd at first, but then he was a popular kid??), nevertheless it was nice.
please try to build more descriptions up when your talking about people, places, etc.
look forward to the next chapter :D

-grimy
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The attention span of a squirrel,
But the mind of a WRITER... or a psychopath, one or the other.




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Hi
this chapter is good, i like it, even if i did not read the first chapter, but it's clear.
the two characters are very well described, and the style is good. you could make me imagin muself as Jan. thid was great.
waiting for your next chapter, hope to read it soon.
Siham




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Thanks for the reviews everyone. :D

Music- I'll have to work on Jason's description, but you got right down to the point. He's a nerdy, popular boy, not a usual stereotype. :)

Grimy- I'll put more description in my next chapter, thanks for the advice. :)
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Here there! :D

First thing I have to say is: I LOVE this story :smt007 . I read all your chapters! :smt026 It keeps me wanting more :smt024 I look forward to reading more of this story.

I did see a few grammatical mistakes, but no big.

Please pm when you post your next chapter :).
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