Spread Your Wings

xD Another one of my 50 second poems. Please ignore the all caps of the first letter of each line and the lack of punctuation!

Spread your wings,
And you can fly;
You’ll never know
Unless you try.

All you need,
Is the ability to trust;
And don’t forget
A bit of pixie dust.

Close your eyes
And forget reality;
Escape your limits,
challenge actuality.

Muster your strength
And shape your desire;
Control your emotions
And ignite your fire.

Take a breath
And begin to fly;
Lift up your chin
and soar in the sky.

Hiya Shina! Nice work here!

And challenge actuality.

I read this line as "and change actually." Either one would work, I guess (although yours works a bit better, xD). Just pointing out a bit of a cumbersome line.

They either live or die.

I would add "can" after "they"; You can afford to do that, since the line before this one is longer.

~~

Flow: You've got a really nice flow here. Only one rhyme seems a bit forced (Reality/Actuality), but most of the time your flow is nice and consistent.

The Second Stanza: I find it doesn't really fit that well with the look or real flow of the poem. Since all of your lines are about the same length in other stanzas, the long. short, long, short pattern sticks out a bit here. I also find it doesn't fit with the story that well. Since the real theme of your poem is getting others to follow their dreams (which it does well), a stanza mentioning already fulfilled dreams seems a bit out of place.

Overall: I'd keep writing 50-second poems. They turn out well! ^_^

~Rosey

Here as requested, Shina!

Warning: I'm really no good at this kind of thing, but I will give it my best.

angels-symphony wrote:xD Another one of my 50 second poems. Please ignore the all caps of the first letter of each line and the lack of punctuation!

Spread your wings
And you can fly.
You’ll never know
If you don’t try.
I'm on the fence about this last line. Perhaps something like "unless you try" would work better. I know it's the same number of syllables, but it just sounds better to me.

Fulfill your dreams
And the dreams of others.
Build up hope
And strengthen your brothers.

All you need
Is the ability to trust. <-Eight syllables here.
And don’t forget
A bit of pixie dust! <-Six syllables here.
Now normally, I'm no syllable freak, but this stanza seemed a bit odd when I read it. However, the difference between the two lines is less obvious when read alloud, but still just a bit jarring. I think you could definitely stand to take out a syllable for both the second and last lines. Right now they're both kind of a mouthful.

Close your eyes
And forget reality.
Escape your limits
[s]And[/s] challenge actuality.
Take out "and" and both lines will have a balanced syllable count!

Muster your strength
And shape your desire.
Control your emotions
And ignite your fire.
This is just me, but the last two lines seem contradictory. For one, when I think of someone trying to control their emotions, I think of someone that is either sad, or angry about something. In your last line, however, you say to "ignite your fire", which I interpretted into meaning: "release the passion within you, spark your emotions, go wild!" Things along those lines.
But hey, that's just me looking too much into it, I suppose.

Take a breath
And begin to fly.
When it comes to dreams
They [s]either[/s] can live or die.
Once more, if you are reaching for a perfect balance of syllables, then replace either (2) with can (1). Wa-la!

Overall, I enjoyed reading this very much, Shina! You have a gift for rhyme, you know that?
This is definitely one of those sort of 'self-help' poems that inspire people and encourage them to go out into the world and make something of themselves.
Sadly, although I enjoyed reading this, it was rather boring when I skimmed through it the first time. It's because this type of poem has been done a countless amount of times. The exact same imagery, words, and messages have been used in this kind of format.
Spice this up with your own similies and metaphors. Create your own new ideas; don't settle for the old, "you can do anything if you spread your wings and fly". You can do better than that!

Apart from what I said above, the last line had a very powerful effect on me.
The use of the word "die" collided head-first with the rest of the poem, which mentions flying, and dreams and pixie dust. It adds the sort of harsh reality to the message: "you can be who you want to be, or you can live the rest of your wishing for something you can no longer have."
Nice job with that. That was a good ending to leave readers with.

However, your beginning should've been stronger.
The opening stanza of a poem is the most important stanza in an entire poem. Why? Because that is the part that draws readers in. This idea has been done so many times. Flying, dreaming, be who you want to be... it's kind of old. Show readers right off the bat that your poem is different, and that it is worth reading.
Trust me, you want people to get to the ending! It was a good poem, but the hook needs to sink a whole lot deeper.

Hope this helped!


~anti-pop

Thanks Anti-Pop and Rosey for the reviews.

LOL on the 50 second joke Rosey. Sometimes they do work out better than my 5 minute ones.

I really liked this poem. Except for the second stanza. I think the second stanza destroys the feel of this poem. Also, the very last line destroys the rhythm of this poem. Its too long and I don't think it fits at the same time. I really think you should change it completely and not just alter the syllables. anyway, that's all.

good luck. keep writing.

--Knightly

"Spread your wings

And you can fly.

You’ll never know

Unless you try.



All you need

Is the ability to trust.

And don’t forget

A bit of pixie dust!



Close your eyes

And forget reality.

Escape your limits,

challenge actuality.



Muster your strength

And shape your desire.

Control your emotions

And ignite your fire.



Take a breath

And begin to fly.

When it comes to dreams

They can either live or die."

Great!!!!It's one of those rare poems which can actually called a poem in yws.
IT'S GOT RHYME,RYTHM
everything.
Well I also love to write my poem and I know these types of poems are quite hard to write and cant be written without inspiration.
Well my poems are somewhat like yours, But you know Ive developed my style of writing a bit lately and now write somewhat like you.
But alas my latest and the greatest piece of work iv ever written still lay unreviewed.
Maybe bcoz it's adult.
watever ur a great poet.
keep writing

It's simple but really enjoyable to read. The rhyme is good and fits well. The message is really inspiring.
You need to balance the syllables though, like mentioned above in anti-pop's review.

But overall, it was good work. Really nice.
Keep up the good work! ^^

Shiiiiiiina! June here to [s]murder[/s] review your work!

Yay! 50 second poems for the win! One day, I'm going to challenge you to write 5 poems in 5 minutes. Hey, you'll have 10 seconds left on each, you know!

Anyway! This poem is dying from the lack of punctuation It's in need of it, Shina! So, allow me. I'll do it in bold so that all you'd have to do is copy-paste.

Spread your wings,

And you can fly;

You’ll never know,

Unless you try.

All you need,

Is the ability to trust;

And don’t forget,

A bit of pixie dust.

Close your eyes,

And forget reality;

Escape your limits,

challenge actuality.

Muster your strength,

And shape your desire;

Control your emotions,

And ignite your fire.

Take a breath,

And begin to fly;

Lift up your chin,

and soar in the sky.

I meant to tell you this yesterday, but, I noticed that your poems are a lot like you. They speak with a lot of confidence, and they press people onwards positively. They overflow with something-- I'm not sure exactly what it is, but whatever it is, it's fabulous.

Also, a lot of your poems seem fantasy like .

There's not much to change here, Shina. The rhyme scheme flowed off brilliantly; it didn't stumble, and you carried a consistent rhythm throughout this. You captured my interest at the beginning and sustained it to the last line.

Well done, dear. Well done.

Keep it up!

(Purps. FTW.)

June