Another Sunset Chapter One Part Two

Hey! This is the next part. I posted the other parts, so you might want to read them. So, please review, I want to improve this!


I stared at Mark and then glanced at Luke's dad, "I don't know how I can help him now," his dad muttered. They didn't seem to notice me so I kept listening. "He's only thirteen, almost fourteen, he wasn't expecting," he paused. "This."
"I'll talk to him," I volunteered. They nodded and I climbed up the steps. I paused as I stood outside Luke's white bedroom door. I thought back to the horrible day Luke made me promise to never speak of. That day was supposedly the worst day of his life.
Luke's dad was having an affair with a client, he was a realtor. It had been going on for awhile and that was the day that his mom had found out. His parents had screaming matches and every hour Luke would call me sobbing. He said that they were fighting over custody for him and he didn't know what to do. I didn't really know what to tell him honestly. He ended up spending the night at my house. He hated his dad for awhile. His dad had sent his mom into depression where she pretty much ignored Luke's presence until she met Mark. Luke would never speak to his dad or about him. They met up the previous year and talked things out. There relationship was still on the mend, his dad was single and lived in Memphis because he said business was better there for his reality company.
I drew in a breath and walked in the bright room. Luke was sitting down on the bed in the corner staring at the light blue walls, tears streaming down his cheeks. He was hugging a pillow and rocking back and forth. He wiped some tears off his face violently. I went and sat on the swiveling blue chair by his white, cluttered desk. "I'm sorry I don't really know how you feel."
"You shouldn't ever have to know," he replied bitterly. "I keep thinking it'd be best to just go with my dad, that maybe he could be the only one to help me now. But, I can't leave you."
"Don't let me hold you back," I whispered.
He put his face in the pillow, "I don't know what to do," he gasped. "I don't want to start all over. I want to start high school with you and all my other friends. But, I finally feel like maybe my dad cares about me. Is that so bad? I never thought he did, he seemed okay with me not seeing him and living with my mom full time," his voice broke. "I'm so confused."
I rubbed his back, "I wish I could do something to help," I whispered. I had never had to deal with something so horrible, or tragic. If I could help, I would. But, having no clue what it felt like, I really couldn't. All I could do was sit there and tell him it would get better. I didn't even know if that statement was true.
"I think I should just talk to my dad, will you get him for me?" He asked suddenly.
I nodded and walked downstairs. Mark and Luke's dad were standing and looked like they were in the middle of a discussion. "He wants to talk to you," I informed his dad. His dad looked up surprised that Luke would want to talk to him of all people. Considering Luke had hated him not too long ago.
"Okay," he replied and followed me cautiously up the steps. I opened the door to Luke's room.
He looked up and his dad looked shocked and terrified at how upset Luke was. He walked over to him and wrapped his arms around him, "I'm scared," Luke whispered and clutched the thin fabric of his dads jacket.
"I know, I know," his dad cooed and smoothed down his hair. "We can figure this all out later, for now we can just decide where you will stay tonight," he told him.
Luke looked up at him with frightened, bloodshot eyes, "I want to go with you for tonight," he replied softly. "Please?"
"Yeah, you can come with me," his dad replied and for a moment I thought he might be crying himself. He hugged Luke tighter and let him sob into his shoulder.
I watch his shoulders shake and tears fall onto his lap. It was all too much, yesterday he was my happy-go-lucky best friend and today his mom committed suicide.
His dad left the room to let him pack. Luke's mood changed from upset to angry in mere seconds. "I hate this!" He yelled and opened his closet violently. "I don't know what to do! I don't want to leave but I don't know if I want to live with someone I'm not even related to. Why can't there just be a simple solution for everything? You always tell me life isn't like writing a book, you can't go back a page and erase what you wrote. God! I always thought that was a stupid metaphor, or analogy, or whatever tit's called called, but you were right all along." He took a deep breath.
I sighed, "Don't be so hard on yourself."
He shoved some clothes in a duffel bag and sat down on the bed, "Do you think someone's life can be ruined over night?"
"Yes," I told him confidently. I knew that this was true. My mom's life had been ruined overnight.
He didn't respond and he just kept digging through his belongings looking for random things, probably just to busy himself. He brushed his long bangs out of his eyes and looked at me. "So do I."
He walked over to his dresser and ran his fingers over the knobs. He grabbed a picture off off the top. He looked at the picture and smiled but suddenly his eyes filled with tears. His hand was shaking as he lowered his arm to his side, suddenly he threw the picture across the room, it hit the wall and shattered into pieces. I looked at him, shocked. He normally wouldn't act like this. he grabbed the dresser to steady himself but crumbled to the floor anyways. Tears streamed down his pale cheeks.
I ran over to him and put my arms around him, his shoulders shook from the uncontrollable sobs escaping his lips. "You're okay," I murmured. The door flew open and his dad walked into the room, followed by Mark.
Their eyes flicked from the shattered glass and back to Luke numerous times. His dad sauntered over, crouched down, and looked into Luke's watery, bloodshot eyes. "I'm sorry," Luke said and heaved in a deep, shaky breath.
Mark, on the other hand walked over to the shattered glass. He picked up the frame and tipped it upside down, letting the glass fall to the ground. He investigated the picture and frowned in a confused manner. He set it on the night side table near the window and left the room.
I walked over to the table and picked up the picture tentatively. It was of his family, well before they all split up. They had big cheesy smiles on their faces. His mom looked happier then I had ever seen her and his dad looked full of authority and promise. I assumed he threw it because it obviously wasn't going to be like that ever again. Maybe he thought that if he kept it there, maybe there was a chance his family could be together again but now it was never going to happen.
I listened to the conversation with his dad, "...Okay? You just need to calm down and relax," his dad was telling him.
Luke nodded and wiped his eyes, he stood up shakily. "Do you want to get going?" His dad asked and glanced down at his watch.
Luke nodded and turned to me, I gave him a hug, "It will get better," I whispered.
"I hope so," he replied shakily and I pulled away from him. He crossed his arms over his chest. I walked out the door and out of the house quickly. I couldn't deal with anymore sorrow.

ooo nice. haha, i really like it. It's pretty intense which is good that you can write that way without it sounding cheesy. You just have to make sure you can keep it that way. Don't let everything get better overnight.

I didn't see many gramatical errors, so there aren't at least any big ones. Nice job.

Keep writing! =)

Hey =]

Thanks for the PM! Now for my nit-piks;

They nodded and I climbed up the steps. I paused as I stood outside Luke's white bedroom door. - maybe you could join these two sentences together i.e 'They nodded and I climbed up the steps, pausing once I reached Luke's white bedroom door.' I think it would just help it to flow a bit better.

I didn't really know what to tell him honestly. - I don't think you need the word 'honestly.'

Luke would never speak to his dad or about him. They met up the previous year and talked things out. - maybe join these sentences together too. 'Luke would never speak to his dad or about him, though they had met up the previous year to talk things out.'

There relationship was still on the mend, -'There' should be 'Their.'

He put his face in the pillow, "I don't know what to do," he gasped. - the comma after 'pillow' should be a full stop. I don't think 'in the pillow' sounds right, maybe you could put that he pressed his face against it or something.

I rubbed his back, "I wish I could do something to help," I whispered. - the comma after 'back' should be a full stop. Also, you didn't mention her walking over to him - I thought she was sitting over by his desk, unless his desk is next to his bed?

"I think I should just talk to my dad, will you get him for me?" He asked suddenly. - 'He' should be 'he'

His dad looked up surprised that Luke would want to talk to him of all people. I'd add a comma after 'up.' Also, you could add in how she knew he was surprised. Were his eyebrows raised?

He looked up and his dad looked shocked and terrified at how upset Luke was. He walked over to him and wrapped his arms around him, "I'm scared," Luke whispered and clutched the thin fabric of his dads jacket. - I don't think you saying that he was 'shocked' and 'terrified' works. Surely his dad would understand how upset Luke is - his lifes just been turned upside down. The comma after 'him' should be a full stop too.

"We can figure this all out later, for now we can just decide where you will stay tonight," he told him. - I don't think you need the 'he told him.'

It was all too much, yesterday he was my happy-go-lucky best friend and today his mom committed suicide. - I think it would be more effective if you changed the comma after 'much' to a full stop.

or whatever tit's called called, but you were right all along." - I think you meant, 'or whatever it's called, but you were right all along.'

He shoved some clothes in a duffel bag - 'into' would sound better than 'in.'

My mom's life had been ruined overnight. - I like this sentence as it makes me want to find out what happened to her mom

He grabbed a picture off off the top. - i think you meant 'off of.'

His hand was shaking as he lowered his arm to his side, suddenly he threw the picture across the room, it hit the wall and shattered into pieces. - maybe re-word these sentences to make them flow better. 'His hand was shaking as he lowered his arm to his side. Suddenly he threw the picture across the room and it shattered into pieces as it hit the wall.'

he grabbed the dresser - 'he' should be 'He'

Maybe he thought that if he kept it there, maybe there was a chance his family could be together again but now it was never going to happen. -'Maybe he thought that if he kept it there, there was a chance that his family could be together again, but now it was never going to hapen.'

Luke nodded and turned to me, I gave him a hug, "It will get better," I whispered. - 'Luke nodded and turned to me and I gave him a hug. "It will get better," I whispered.'

Overall;

I really enjoyed this part and feel so sorry for Luke. I like how you made Luke so indecisive as to where he's going to live and it think that it makes him a lot more realistic as i don't think anyone in that position could just make a life changing decision in a split second. I agree with 'Lauren2010' when she says that you shouldn't let it get better overnight as it would make all of the build up seem like a waste. Maybe you could try adding in how your MC is feeling about the situation. You go into how she can't really relate to what Luke's going through but maybe you could add in how she'll feel if Luke decides to move away.
Your grammar is a lot better in this piece, but you still need to watch where you put commas as sometimes you've put them where you need full stops.
I really hope you continue this and i'm looking forward to the next part. Can you please PM me again when you post the next chapter/part.

Thank you =]

xDudettex

Hey, Coleen. Glad to know my other reviews helped!

Here as requested. =]

I stared at Mark and then glanced at Luke's dad,

Hmm. This sentence is off for several reasons.

--Why is she staring at Mark? Luke's dad is the one who is talking.
--To stare and to glance are to very different things. To stare is to observe intently, while to glance is to quickly look. So this sentence almost sounds as though your MC is looking two places at once.

"He's only thirteen, almost fourteen, he wasn't expecting," he paused. "This."

I know the pause is supposed to be dramatic, but you don't have the segments split naturally. Read this sentence out loud. Do you naturally pause after the word expecting? Well, you shouldn't.

Check out Snoink's article on dialogue (probably in the Knowledge Base). Sorry, my computer is being rude and I can't copy links for some reason.

I thought back to the horrible day Luke made me promise to never speak of.

Never to speak of what? It doesn't make sense now.

Luke's dad was having an affair with a client, he was a realtor.

This sentence isn't really in order.

It reads like this: "Luke's dad was having an affair with a client. Oh yeah, his dad was a realtor."

See what I mean? I would write it as, "Luke's dad, a realtor, was having an affair with a client."

There relationship

Should be, "Their relationship."

reality company.

Reality = real life.
So what on earth is a reality company?
A realtor would be part of a real estate company. ^_^

"I think I should just talk to my dad, will you get him for me?" He asked suddenly.

De-capitalize He.

thin fabric of his dads jacket.

Dads should be dad's.

My mom's life had been ruined overnight.

Unless you are going to mention the ruining of her mother's life again, this little bit has nothing to do with the story, and should be taken out.

"Do you think some one's life can be ruined over night?"
"Yes," I told him confidently.

If your friend was in this much pain, would you really say "Yeah, dude, I think your life is ruined, too!"

Overall

This story read a bit like a soap opera. My only problem is, I don't know how you are going to make this story interesting. Half of it was Luke crying. Is the whole book going to Luke crying? I think it could be made a lot more interesting if it was told from Luke's point of view. Then the reader could know exactly what Luke was thinking. At the moment, your MC seems more of a witness to the events than a part of them.
Of course, I haven't read Chapter One, so your MC might be doing a lot more in the plot than she is know.

I wish you luck with continuing this.

Hope this helped,
Sakura

Hey there! I'm late, again, but I'm on a streak today! ^^
I see that Sakura pointed out a lot of important things, and xDudettex got a lot of the nit-picks.

Luke's dad was having an affair with a client, he was a realtor. It had been going on for awhile and that was the day that his mom had found out. His parents had screaming matches and every hour Luke would call me sobbing. He said that they were fighting over custody for him and he didn't know what to do. I didn't really know what to tell him honestly. He ended up spending the night at my house. He hated his dad for awhile. His dad had sent his mom into depression where she pretty much ignored Luke's presence until she met Mark. Luke would never speak to his dad or about him. They met up the previous year and talked things out. There relationship was still on the mend, his dad was single and lived in Memphis because he said business was better there for his reality company.

This is a huge info dump. Big. You're just telling us this, not showing.

You also had a lot more awkward sentences. Watch out for those, hon.

Well, Sakura and xDudettex got most of it.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

*Cat