A Ghostly Encounter: Part 2

Author's Note: So this is the rest of the part I submitted to school. I'm going to write more right away, and there should be a part three up soon. (Most likely on Saturday) I'm going on a ski trip until Friday night though, but I'll try to get some done on the bus. Until then, bye bye my amigos!

I opened my eyes to see that I was in the middle of a forest. Greenery surrounded me on all sides and it seemed I was alone. At that moment, I heard my name whispered through the wind. “Holly…”
I looked around but saw nothing. “Hello? Is anyone there?” The only answer I got was my name whispered again through the trees.
Suddenly, I felt something whoosh by me. I focused my attention on the spot where something was materializing. I saw the boy that was in the hospital again, but this time he spoke to me. “Holly… I’ve been waiting for you.”
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I jerked awake to find myself back in the hospital room. It was totally dark; there wasn’t even light coming from the window. The monitor beside me was going crazy; beeping wildly as my heartbeat accelerated and decelerated rapidly. I wondered why that boy needed to talk to me so badly. After about thirty seconds of thought, the light flicked on.
I blinked a couple of times to get used to the new lighting and in the doorway stood a short, stout woman in her forties. She saw me sitting up and looked over to the wild IV machine beside me. “Hello, shouldn’t you be asleep?” she asked, walking over to the IV. “Now, this is very weird.” She muttered to herself before turning back to me. “Are you OK?”
I nodded my head mutely, still mortified from the dream I had just woken up from. My thoughts strayed back to the strange dream. What had the boy meant when he said, ‘I’ve been waiting for you.”? A shiver ran down my spine and looked up to see that the nurse had left. I lay back down on the pillow and closed my eyes, but quickly gave up on trying to go back to sleep because when my eyes closed, images of the boy filled my head again.
“Well, you’ve been out for a while.” I gasped in shock and looked behind me to find Courtney standing on the bedpost.
“Get down from there! You’ll hurt yourself!” I blurted out unthinkingly. Courtney burst into laughter as I said this, and I realized my mistake. I glared at my best friend as her giggling turned into uncontrollable fits of laughter. “Where were you earlier? Did you see the boy who came before, when my mom and the nurses were here?”
Courtney’s face immediately turned into one of pure shock. “What boy?” She demanded. “Whatever you do, don’t talk to him.”
I gaped at my ghostly friend. Why shouldn’t I talk to him? I mean, he was incredibly creepy but what could he do to me? “Why, Courtney? I thought you didn’t know who I was talking about.”
Courtney scowled, her pale features suddenly fearsome. “Just don’t talk to him. You don’t know what he’s capable of.” With that, I watched in amazement as she disappeared, her scowl never leaving her face.
He was so young…
She’s gone! No, no no!!!!
I gasped as the fragments of thoughts flew through my mind. What is going on? I thought as the sentences kept coming. I couldn’t see anyone in the room, but people were talking non-stop. I heard my mom stir a little in her chair but then go back to sleep.
Light flashed before my eyes and I watched as it formed into the boy again. I looked over to my mom, but she hadn’t woken up. “Holly…” My eyes refocused on the boy in front of me. He wore the same tattered clothes and had the same airy voice that I remembered. I opened my mouth to speak but remembered Courtney’s warning. I couldn’t speak to him. “Holly, I’ve been looking everywhere for you…”
I couldn’t take it anymore. This strange ghostly boy knew my name, and he had been looking for me. I let out a shrill shriek and the boy’s face twisted into murderous rage as he dematerialized. Nurses filled the room and my mom came running.
“Honey, what’s wrong? Calm down. It’s OK.” My mom was comforting me and I saw one of the nurses get a needle. She pricked it into my arm, and my screams cut off as I sunk into a deep, dreamless sleep.
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They let me out of the hospital about three days later and right away when we got home, my mom announced that we were moving. She had told me about Courtney on the way home, and her take was that I was not going to be able to live here without Courtney. I guess she thought that moving was the answer.
During the last few nights I was at the hospital, the ghost visited once each night again. Every time, I screamed until he went away because my mom and the nurses were coming in.
I saw Courtney less and less during the last few days I was in the hospital as well. I still wondered why she was a ghost, but I wasn’t complaining because if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t be able to talk to her at all anymore.
“Holly? Are you ready to go?” I heard my mom’s voice come from downstairs and quickly grabbed my last bags before going down to load them in the moving van. Taking one last look at the room around me, I sighed and left it behind forever. But, little did I know, I would be back here before I knew it.

We arrived in Vancouver at around eight o’clock in the evening and I took a look at the place that I would call my home from now on. Most of the house was white, but the trimmings were pale blue. The door was also the same pale blue and there was a white picket fence surrounding the property.
I sighed and walked to the back of the moving van to unload some of our luggage. My mom followed me with a worried look on her face. “Do you like it?” she asked me, opening the door to the van.
Looking in her face, I decided not to tell her the truth. I never really was a picket fence kind of girl, but she looked like she really wanted me to like it. “Yes mom.” I told her, sighing again. She smiled and we got started unloading.

When I woke up in the morning, I saw light streaming in through the windows. Our beds weren’t set up yet, so we were sleeping on the floor.
Today was Monday, and my first day at my new school. As I got ready, my mom was basically jumping up and down with excitement. “Holly! This is so exciting! You’re going to love your new school. It’s huge, way bigger than your old school.” I almost choked on my cereal when she said this. Of course my new school was going to be bigger than my old one. I had gone to a school with only a couple hundred students, and we were in a way bigger city than the boring little town we used to live in.
“Mom, my old school was tiny! Of course this one is bigger.” I quickly finished my breakfast and almost ran out the door.
“I can give you a ride!” I heard my mom call after me.
“It’s OK, mom! I’ll just walk.”
When I got to school, there were already tons of people there. I wasn’t accustomed to school with this many people, and I wondered how many more new people came today. This is going to be a long day, I thought dejectedly.
I walked straight to the office, and the secretary pointed me towards my first class after giving me a schedule. Before lunch, I had science, social, and math. All three went by so slow that it was like torture after a while.
At lunch, I looked around for someplace to sit, but saw that the whole cafeteria was full. “Hi.” A voice came from behind me, startling me and almost causing me to dump my tray of food on the ground. I turned around to see a blond haired girl trying to hold back laughter behind me. “My name’s Nicole, but most people call me Nikki.”
“Oh, hi Nicole. My name’s Holly.”
“I love the name Holly! Why don’t you come sit by me?” She gestured towards a table where about three other people were sitting. I nodded and we walked to her table. “Hey everyone! This is Holly, she’s new here and I thought that since we have room, she should sit with us.”
“Hi.” I smiled at everyone, and the two brunette girls smiled back, but the boy just scowled at me. I sat down beside the girls and Nicole sat on the other side of me. The boy never looked up from his food, and underneath his blonde hair, I could see that the scowl never left his face.

Hello again!
Well this was an interesting continuation to chapter one. The only thing is that wouldn't the nurses think she's crazy because she keeps seeing things and talking to herself? If they keep sedating her then they know something is wrong so why do they let her go three days later? Okay onto the nitpicks!

“Yes mom.” I told her,

Comma not period.

Wow. That was all i found. Well i like how you're going with this. PM me when you have the next chapter up and I'll review it again.
-Storm

This was good, I really couldn't find many mistakes and the story seemed to flow well, I don't really get why they would let someone who was constantly having the need to be sedated out after only four days though.

This was good, I really couldn't find many mistakes and the story seemed to flow well, I don't really get why they would let someone who was constantly having the need to be sedated out after only four days though. Next time try to describe the house and school a bit more. What town did Holly and her mother move to? All in all it's a solid story, just watch out for some grammatical errors.

Here as requested (again)!

She saw me sitting up and looked over to the wild IV machine beside me.

The machine at a hospital that reads your vital signs isn't called an IV machine. An IV is what gives you fluids.

Also, you make it sound like your character is basically going into cardiac arrest, yet the nurse only says "Huh, that's weird!" If Holly's heartbeat is fluctuating that rapidly, the nurse should freak out.

“Are you OK?”

Always spell out OK -- okay.

Also: You never mention if the nurse leaves the room or not. Courtney and Holly have a whole conversation, and the whole time I kept imagining the nurse standing right there. ^_^

her scowl never leaving her face.

You said she looked scared. She wasn't scowling.

No, no no!!!!

Never use more than one exclamation mark. More than one looks sloppy/amateurish.

. The boy never looked up from his food, and underneath his blonde hair, I could see that the scowl never left his face.

You already described a scowl as "never leaving his/her face". It becomes repetitive.

Overall

My only problem with this chapter is that once she moved, there was a lot of telling. It became a little boring, because it was obvious you were trying to quickly get the reader up to speed.

Perhaps you could start with her at a new school? Something bad could happen and she could think:

How did I get here?

And then at once it all came back...

The lights. The screaming.

(And here you would give a flash back).

Hope this helped,
Sakura

Hello there!
I'm glad you finally got a little more detailed as to who the boy is. It really sets the story in motion. Very good! There were a few things this time:

The monitor beside me was going crazy; beeping wildly as my heartbeat accelerated and decelerated rapidly.

If the dream scared her, her heart would only be accelerating, wouldn't it? I dunno.

“Hello, shouldn’t you be asleep?”

The nurse is unusually calm for just hearing someone screaming and coming in to find their heart monitor going crazy.

‘I’ve been waiting for you.”?

This is all over the place. First, pick between the quotations or the apostrophe.
Second, you don't need the period.

A shiver ran down my spine and looked up to see that the nurse had left.

Was she really so caught up not to notice the nurse leaving? Either mention that all of Holly's attention is focused on the memory of the dream or say that she saw the nurse leaving earlier, like right after she asked Holly if she was okay.

I lay back down on the pillow and closed my eyes, but quickly gave up on trying to go back to sleep because when my eyes closed, images of the boy filled my head again.

Same problem as in part one. This sentence is really long, but you don't have to completely separate it. Just split it with a semi colon or a hyphen. Try something like:
'I laid back down on the pillow and closed my eyes, but I quickly gave up on trying to go back to sleep; once my eyes closed, images of the boy filled my head again.'

Courtney’s face immediately turned into one of pure shock. “What boy?” She demanded. “Whatever you do, don’t talk to him.”
I gaped at my ghostly friend. Why shouldn’t I talk to him? I mean, he was incredibly creepy but what could he do to me? “Why, Courtney? I thought you didn’t know who I was talking about.”

This doesn't make any sense at all. Courtney asks who the boy is, then all of a sudden she knows and tells Holly not to talk to him. Holly even notices this. So either say that Courtney realizes - one way or another - who Holly is talking about or have Holly describe the boy to her and then Courtney realizes who she's talking about.

I let out a shrill shriek and the boy’s face twisted into murderous rage as he dematerialized.

Materialize is very repetitive throughout the story. It's a good describing word, but you use it a lot. Try to find a synonym.

Nurses filled the room and my mom came running.

I thought her mom was sleeping in the same room...? Usually, when you say that someone 'came running', it means they're coming from a distance, or in this case, another room. So just say something like:
'Nurses filled the room. My mom awoke with a start and ran to my bedside.'

My mom was comforting me and I saw one of the nurses get a needle. She pricked it into my arm, and my screams cut off as I sunk into a deep, dreamless sleep.

There is certainly a lot of sedation going on in this hospital. It seems to be their answer to every problem. I dunno...it just seems to happen a lot.

They let me out of the hospital about three days later and right away when we got home, my mom announced that we were moving. She had told me about Courtney on the way home, and her take was that I was not going to be able to live here without Courtney. I guess she thought that moving was the answer.
During the last few nights I was at the hospital, the ghost visited once each night again. Every time, I screamed until he went away because my mom and the nurses were coming in.
I saw Courtney less and less during the last few days I was in the hospital as well. I still wondered why she was a ghost, but I wasn’t complaining because if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t be able to talk to her at all anymore.

This entire thing seems to be out of order. You talk about the hospital, then moving, then back to the hospital again. Keep all your ideas together. Try something like this:
'They let me out of the hospital about three days later. During the last few nights there, the ghost visited once each night. Every time, I screamed until he went away because my mom and the nurses were coming in.
I saw Courtney less and less during the last few days as well. I still wondered why she was a ghost, but I wasn’t complaining because if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t be able to talk to her at all anymore.
Right away when we got home, my mom announced that we were moving. She had told me about Courtney on the way home, and her take was that I was not going to be able to live here without Courtney. I guess she thought that moving was the answer.'

We arrived in Vancouver at around eight o’clock in the evening and I took a look at the place that I would call my home from now on.

The fact that you just now told the reader where she was moving to isn't very good. Mention it somewhere earlier, like when her mom first tells her that they're moving.

Most of the house was white, but the trimmings were pale blue. The door was also the same pale blue and there was a white picket fence surrounding the property.

It's a good idea to tell about all the blue parts of the house in one sentence. Try:
'Most of the house was white, but the trimmings and the door were pale blue. A white picket fence surrounded the property.'

Before lunch, I had science, social, and math.

I think you meant Social Studies

“My name’s Nicole, but most people call me Nikki.”
“Oh, hi Nicole. My name’s Holly.”

I can't quite figure out why she bothered telling her that people call her Nikki if Holly is just going to keep calling her Nicole, you know? But it's your story

Other than that, I liked it. I can't wait to read more Great job!

~Rayne