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Hannah wrote:For Rosey's contest.
Touching THE sea and touching THE light,
dancing through a breathless night, or restless night
separating something fright'ning from the carpet where I stand.
'Round me fly the dust specks
IN the light from lamps which now wane dim: in&diM isn't a rhyme and you should put that IN to the beginnning of 5th stanza
even there the el'ment lingers, as a frenzy-grasping hand.
Made from gravel base as any,
formed to ornaments by many,
shining in the sunlight like a thousand secret diamonds found, This verse, as many others, is quite long and it's messing up the rhythm.
dimmer than the jewels we kept
as guard of our hearts as we slept,
though any moment, any man or any blow makes break and sound. You put comma before "or"-not...
Crashing through the dreams we dream "I like"
as if to ruin and meant to ream
essence-sands and heat from man-made source, o, whence this crystal rose.
Sound cracks two find halves apart.
The glass caves in around my heart.
Materials of sea and fire turn now to bitter, sharp echoes.
Touching sea and touching light,
dancing through a breathless night,
separating something fright'ning from the carpet where I stand.
'Round me fly the dust specks in
the light from lamps which now wane dim:'Wane' and 'dim' have about the same meaning, and give across the same impression. Perhaps change 'wane' to 'grow'? Unless you think that would be too contradictive.
even there the el'ment lingers, as a frenzy-grasping hand. I think you could either cross out 'as' or change 'as' to 'like'. It seems to flow better.
So far this is very beautiful! Very much a mouthful too, but I believe that just adds to the tone of the poem. There's something very mysterious about your word choice, too.
Made from gravel base as any, Hmm. I believe, for this to be grammatically correct, that you'd need an 'as' after 'gravel'. But, that would put the rhyming scheme slightly off. Think about it: would you rather have something that doesn't make much sense and could possibly be grammatically incorrect, or would you rather disrupt your rhythym? Your choice entirely. Or you could rephrase this, of course.
formed to ornaments by many,
shining in the sunlight like a thousand [s]secret[/s] diamonds found, It fits the rhythym more if you cross out 'secret'.
dimmer than the jewels we kept
as guards of our hearts as we slept,
though any moment, any man, or any blow makes break and sound.
I love the concrete rhyming scheme you have going! Your rhythym is so very steady, also, give or take a few extra syllables here and there (which I have brought to your attention). Normally I'd be telling you to tone it down a bit-- after all, this is very complex and intense --but, like I said earlier, it's a personal style that you've chosen for this poem. and it works. It wouldn't work in prose, but here it works.
Crashing through the dreams we dream I'd change it to 'the dreams we're dreaming' but that's just a personal opinion. It works fine either way.
as if to ruin and meant to ream
essence-sands and heat from man-made source, o, whence this crystal rose. Capital 'O', or lowercase 'oh' would look best, methinks.
Sound cracks two find halves apart. 'Found halves' you mean? Because 'find' doesn't make sense.
The glass caves in around my heart.
Materials of sea and fire turn now to bitter, sharp echoes.
Hannah wrote:For Rosey's contest.
Touching sea and touching light,
dancing through a breathless night,
separating something fright'ning from the carpet where I stand.
'Round me fly the dust specks in
the light from lamps which now wane dim:
even there the el'ment lingers, as a frenzy-grasping hand.
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