Young Writers Society

Demetre Fox

Having a headache on a bus was painful. Demetre sat in the front with the teachers in hopes of avoiding some of the noise in the back, but some of the teachers were just as loud.
“Well, at least the seats are comfortable,” his friend Mandy said as if she had been reading his thoughts.
“You could take a crap that always clears my head,” his other friend Sean added. Sean and Mandy were Demetre’s only friends. Mandy was a short pale girl with short black hair that matched her dark clothes. Sean was tall and skinny skeletal-like even, with bushy brown curls.
Mandy rolled her eyes, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Or is it the smartest,” he countered
“No it’s definitely the stupidest.”
“Guys, can you stop arguing. You are making my headache worse.” Usually he found their banter amusing, but this wasn’t one of those times. He massaged his temples.
“Stop being a baby,” Sean tossed him a bottle of Advil. “Just take two of these,” he said.”
Demetre clumsily caught it, wishing that Sean had just passed it to him so he didn’t look like such a fool in front of Mandy. Demetre took out three pills he washed them down with a swig of water.
“I’m going to try to get some sleep,” he wasn’t really going to actually sleep would be impossible in this chaos instead he planned on leaving his body. Being a comic book fanatic he was delighted to find when he was eight that he could momentarily leave his body behind in what he liked to call his astral form. In his astral form he was invisible to everyone and yet he couldn’t touch anything either so he was like a ghost but in this form he could fly and go any where he wanted.
He pushed out his astral form easily sliding through the bus’s ceiling. He shot upwards as fast as he could reach the clouds skimming them with his hands. Flying was amazing it was so free and exhilarating. The best part was he couldn’t be hurt or feel pain in his astral form so his headache was completely gone.
Demetre kept a weary eye on the bus as it chugged along the street. He would have to return soon, but right now he was enjoying himself too much. He wished he could have a more useful power, maybe one that he could use against criminals so he could become a superhero. It was his main goal in life to save lives. Being a cop or fireman was out of the question he didn’t have the physical prowess for such jobs. In fact, he was clumsy and completely uncoordinated so his chances of becoming a superhero was unlikely. Superman was never seen tripping on a hula-hoop during gym class, or run into a pole or fall up the stairs fourteen times, or even fall down the steps eighteen. All of which had happened just this year.
He was so lost in thought that when the bus made an abrupt stop and he passed it by a few miles. He turned around and flew back to the bus. He looked at his watch and mentally slapped himself in the head.
“Crap.” He couldn’t believe how bad he had lost track of time. He had been gone from his body for an hour.
When he first discovered his powers he trained himself to use it. He timed each session and discovered that the longer he stayed away from his body the harder it was to get back in. His longest time away had been forty-four minutes, and it had taken him an hour to get back in. A whole hour was much too long.
He reached the bus just in time to see the bus doors burst open and two teachers were carrying a limp body, his body! Mandy followed close behind crying. Sean seemed rather calm as he looked up in the sky as if he was trying to find something for a second he looked directly at Demetre. Demetre wrote it off as coincidence. No one could see him in his astral form.
“What happened?” asked Mr. Cox his naturally red face paled at the sight of Demetre’s body.
“He had a headache so he took some Advil and went to sleep and when I tried to wake him he wouldn’t get up.” Sean said in a rather bored voice.
“How much Advil did he take?” asked Mrs. Stevens her voice quavered a bit.
Demetre couldn’t watch this anymore. He hurled his astral form at his body but he bounced out.
“Call 911,” Mrs. Stevens yelled onto the bus. Demetre tried repeatedly to get back in to his body as Mr. Cox gave him C.P.R and several more times before the ambulance came. They loaded his body into the ambulance.
“We can take three people to the hospital with him.” The Paramedic got in the back allowing Mrs. Stevens, Mandy, and Sean to get in behind her.

Oh! I absolutely adore this new addition! Very creative, lovely job.
I honestly don't have any comments. The grammar Nazi's shall be following behind me though.

Little comment actually~
Sean and Mandy should have more of a character. They seem like bystanders but they actually pose quite a position in the story I think. Build up their character a bit please.

I liked Demetre. Interesting personality really. I love the thought of Astral Bodies. I want to be able to that... (wistful sigh)

That's all. Thanks, wonderful! Gosh I liked this...

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Hello Amon! I'm Storm and i shall review you story! I really liked this, the powers and two chapters per each person. Then everyone will come together at the house Ethan is at right? Demetre is cool, he's like a shaman ( a person who can take his spirit out of his body) right? Okay to the review!

“You could take a crap that always clears my head,” his other friend Sean added.

"You could take a crap, that always clears my head," his other friend, Sean, added. (I think that's correct)

Mandy was a short pale girl with short black hair that matched her dark clothes.

Mandy was a short, pale girl with short black hair that matched her dark clothes.

“Or is it the smartest,” he countered

Question mark not comma.

“Stop being a baby,” Sean tossed him a bottle of Advil.

Period not comma.

“Just take two of these,” he said.”

You don't need the last quotation mark.

Demetre took out three pills he washed them down with a swig of water.

Demetre took out three pills and washed them down with a swing of water.

“I’m going to try to get some sleep,” he wasn’t really going to actually sleep would be impossible in this chaos instead he planned on leaving his body

Period not comma. H in he is capitalized.

“He had a headache so he took some Advil and went to sleep and when I tried to wake him he wouldn’t get up.” Sean said in a rather bored voice.

Comma not period.

“How much Advil did he take?” asked Mrs. Stevens her voice quavered a bit.

asked Mrs. Stevens, her voice quavering a bit.

That's it i found! Like i said i love how you're going with this and love the healer and shaman idea. Good job! PM me when you have the next chapter out! Thanks. -Storm

[quote]

Hey, Amon!

Sorry for the long wait... Asxz had me pretty busy critiquing her stuff.

Finally, here is your review:

Demetre Fox

Something about this name is weird too me. Maybe it's just not common where I live, but the way I spell it is Dmitri. Did you want the name to be pronounced Duh-mee-tree?

To me, this looks like the goddess, Demeter.

Having a headache on a bus was painful.

Pretend the reader has never had a headache, either on a bus or not. This means you need more description.
What does his head feel like? Does the noise grate his ears? Does each speed bump send a sharp pain through his forehead?

“You could take a crap that always clears my head,”

This needs to be two sentences:

"You could take a crap. That always clears my head,"

“No it’s definitely the stupidest.”

Comma after no.

Sean tossed him a bottle of Advil.

So Sean just carries around a bottle Advil?
That is...

-- Weird.
-- Unrealistic.
-- Against school rules (all drugs must be with the school nurse)

he said.”

Remove the quotations marks after he said.

so he didn’t look like such a fool in front of Mandy. Demetre took out three pills he washed them down with a swig of water.

Two things here:

--You didn't mention that he had a crush on Mandy. From the beginning, he should be looking at her in a romantic light, or act awkward around her.
--Where did he get the water?

It is here in the story that you introduce Demetre's "astral from". The whole time a read the explanation paragraph on his "astral form", I was very confused.
The paragraph was very rushed and gives little or no backstory of his power. I still have no idea what it is. So he can space out? Oooooh... magical. You need to explain his power a lot more. Describe what happens during his out-of-body escapade, and provide some more back story.

” The Paramedic

De-capitalize paramedic.

Overall

This was pretty good, Amon.

The only problems I had with it were a lack of explanation.

Also, from reading some of your previous chapters, you have brought in a lot of characters, and none of them relate to each other.

The reader will get confused when you abandon the first plot (with Nick (I think that was his name) and Veronica (that girl...) and introduce tons of new major and minor characters.

PM me if you have any questions.

Hope this helped,
Sakura

Definetely want to read more. Good job on the chapter. Sean and Mandy, I don't really know kind of what their purpose is they aren't doing much. You could have lots of oppertunities with them, play up their characters a little more. You could make something out of Sean looking to where Demetre's Astral Body. It would definetely be a good twist in the story.

Sorry this took so long to get to, I've been sick. So let's get started!

Nitpicks:

“Or is it the smartest,” he countered

The comma should be a question mark and there should be a period after "countered".

Sean was tall and skinny skeletal-like even, with bushy brown curls.

There should be a comma after skinny, I think.

“Guys, can you stop arguing. You are making my headache worse.”

Questionmark after "arguing"

“I’m going to try to get some sleep,” he wasn’t really going to actually sleep would be impossible in this chaos instead he planned on leaving his body.

When the sentence after a quote isn't describing the way it was said, there needs to be a period in the quotation marks and a capital after. And reword that sentence. So it sounds like "He wasn't actually going to sleep. It would be impossible in this chaos. Instead, he planned on leaving his body."

In his astral form he was invisible to everyone and yet he couldn’t touch anything either so he was like a ghost but in this form he could fly and go any where he wanted.

This is rambly and confusing. Try to reword more clearly.

Being a cop or fireman was out of the question he didn’t have the physical prowess for such jobs.

Semicolon after the word "question".

He reached the bus just in time to see the bus doors burst open and two teachers were carrying a limp body, his body! Mandy followed close behind crying.

I would take out the "bus" before "doors" it sounds too repetitive. Comma after "open". I would change the comma after body to a period. It makes a bigger statement. Add a comma after "behind" too.

Sean seemed rather calm as he looked up in the sky as if he was trying to find something for a second he looked directly at Demetre.

Put either an "and" or a period after the word "second".

“What happened?” asked Mr. Cox his naturally red face paled at the sight of Demetre’s body.

Add a comma after "Mr. Cox"

“He had a headache so he took some Advil and went to sleep and when I tried to wake him he wouldn’t get up.” Sean said in a rather bored voice.

Put a comma after "Up" instead of a period.

“Call 911,” Mrs. Stevens yelled onto the bus.

Make the comma an exclamation point.

Overall:
You did a good job. This is a really interesting story, and it's really origional. You have to watch out for your punctuation and try not to do runon sentences. I like the story though! Good job.