Young Writers Society

Hi! I am very new to writing poetry. I usually prefer writing novels.
Anyway, I came up with some random lines off the top of my head.
I figure they'll need A LOT of criticism, even though I plan to do nothing with them. Haha.

So, tear it to shreds. Correct me on rhyme schemes (which I didn't even consider when writing), grammar, lines, etc.

Dream

Beauty flashing in the night
Wondrous images of starlight.
Wishes pass before my eyes
All my wants I visualize.
Then I wake,
And my heart begins to ache
Because the world that seems
Is just a fantasy of my dreams.


Thanks for reading, if you clicked! As I said, feel free to post "ripping to shreds" comments. I'll take it all in good heart! Haha. I sound WAY to happy on here.

Hi! I am very new to writing poetry. I usually prefer writing novels.
Anyway, I came up with some random lines off the top of my head.
I figure they'll need A LOT of criticism, even though I plan to do nothing with them. Haha.

So, tear it to shreds. Correct me on rhyme schemes (which I didn't even consider when writing), grammar, lines, etc.

Dream

Beauty flashing in the night
Wondrous images of starlight<--- you need a period here (.)
Wishes pass before my eyes
All my wants i visualize(.)
And then i wake, <--- You should delete the "and" here so it won't repeat the next line.
And my heart begins to ache <--- no comma
Because i realize,
it was just a dream...


Hey Music I'm Shina and I'll be your reviewer for today ^^ I'm glad to see you've joined YWS. I'm sure you'll like it once you get a hang of it xD Don't worry if you break a few rules here and there, it's all about the learning experience. One day you might be a purple or blue person and you'll think back to your beginning days ^^

You said to rip it to shreds, so I'll see what I can do. I have 3 pointy teeth, each for a different pet peeve

Review:

Okay, as you can see I fixed a few thing in the actual poem, but there are a few other things I'd like to add to that. I really like your rhyme scheme you have going in the beginning, it's catchy. The bad part is that when you end your poem, it goes completely off the rhythym and you end it, poorly. Poetry is like music. You have to start well, but end better. I'd reconsider the name of the poem, or maybe adding a few more lines to make dream fit in.

The only way thing I can come up with now to end your poem is
"And my heart begins to ache
because the world that seems
is just a fantasy of my dreams."

I know it might be a little cheesy and quickly written, but I think it's better than what you've got.

Overall, pretty good. But don't forget to add depth and imagery to your poem. You want the reader to use all of the 5 senses in your reading ^^ The most important (and hardest) rule in writing is to show and not tell. It's hard to learn but fun to use once you get the hang of it

Actually, this is pretty good. You made it sound like it was bad. I have no idea why you did that.

the only problem I would fix if I were you is the parts where you didn't capitalize the 'i' because that just makes the poem look really childish. Maybe that was your intent, and if it was, then forget I said anything. Otherwise I'd just capitalize those two i's and it really comes out to be a simple-yet-effective poem.

Nicely done.

Thanks for your comments. I completely over-looked the i's, because I just copied and pasted it from a Word document I jotted on REALLY quickly and did not capitalize for some out-of-whack reason. Silly me.

Ello

I have to agree that this is a pretty good poem, even though it's a little short. I admire your courage to ask people to tear your poem to shreds even though you don't usually like poetry, it's good that you're open to critisism.

I found the rhythm in the second line didn't really work. When reading after the first line it sounds kind of like this.

'BEAuty flashing IN the night
WONdrous images OF starlight.'

The word 'of' has a naturally soft sound, so it doesn't really work well with the rhythm you've chosen, if that makes sense. It's like it has to be over-pronounced to fit.

I think the way you've left 'Then I wake,' as one short line goes really well in this piece.

Overall I'd say the rhythm needs some improvement, but that's something you tend to get the hang of with the more poetry you write. Keep at it

Hey there Music! As you requested (many thanks fro that) I'm here!

Dream

Beauty flashing in the night,
Wondrous images of starlight.
Wishes pass before my eyes;
All my wants I visualize. [visualize sounds awkward. Try to reword it]
Then I wake, [add up]
and my heart begins to ache.
Because the world that seems [Remove the because]
Is just a fantasy of my dreams. [nice]

This is really nice. So simple and beautiful. You express emotion really well.
The punctuation could be better. If you don't mind, I'll make some suggestions in bold, dear.

Because the world that seems

This seems an incomplete sentence. And the next line doesn't help. Seems what?

Overall: Nicely done, my friend.

PM me if you need anything!

*Kat*

Hello Again!
I didn't read any of the above revews, so my apologies if I repeat something. I thought this poem was nice. The rhyme scheme was good. It didn't feel forced, which is what happens a lot of the time. There was a clear message, so that was good too. I would expand upon the 'Then I wake' line. Except for that one, there is a very natural rhythm that came with the poem, so you might want to fix it if possible. The poem was relatively short, there isn't much to say. But nice job!
-Alyssa

Musicaloo7311 wrote:Anyway, I came up with some random lines off the top of my head.

Then I'm going to advise throwing this away right now. Submitting "random" thoughts and bragging that you won't do anything with the edits is extremely disrespectful to readers and reviewers.

But since you did post and I'm here...

Beauty flashing in the night
Wondrous images of starlight.

This is forced. "Wondrous"? If that's all you've got - and it looks like it is - then you're feeding the reader a bone after removing everything that might have been on it. What does "wondrous" even mean? A single word, especially one as tired and vague as that, cannot replace an image. Describe the stars or leave it completely vague without straddling the middle uncomfortably as you're currently doing.

Same for the first line of the poem, by the way.

Wishes pass before my eyes
All my wants I visualize.

"Visualize" is an ugly word that doesn't connote anything past...itself. Would you say to a lover "I visualize your beauty in my mind"? Scrap it, change it so that it actually sounds a little poetic.

(Not saying that one can't use "visualize" in poetry at all - several poets have done so successfully. It sticks out painfully in your poem, however.)

Then I wake,
And my heart begins to ache

Aching hearts are cliched, and doubly so when you do not add anything else to support or crystalize the concept. These descriptions are hazy and don't reflect much other than some romantic ideal that is not relatable with the reader.

Because the world that seems
Is just a fantasy of my dreams.

By emphasizing the point that the world only "seems", you already made it clear that it's a dream - or, at the very least, not as real as one would think - and so the last line of the poem is unnecessary.

And really? A dream? Considering that you said you write prose, you should have known that one of the first rules of good writing is never to end something with "But he woke up, and the adventure was all a dream!". Somehow you thought this was a good idea to apply to poetry; it isn't.

Your rhyme is awkward and forced throughout - rhymes don't exist for their own sake and are usually meant to help the flow of the poem or to convey a thematic idea using the words themselves. The rhymes in this poem are neither and simply there "just because", and it shows. My advice for future poetry is not to try such rigorous rhymes until you have the basic concept of poetry (imagery, meaning, word choice, etc).

On a smaller criticism, the content is also boring and has been done hundreds, thousands, and I'd guess hundreds of thousands of times before. However, the reason why I won't make such a big deal about that is that many good poems use cliches, but present them from different persepctives or in different ways. So even though this poem had nothing to add thematically, keep that in mind.

Overall: Since you did say to rip it to shreds, I understand you won't mind when I say this poem really can't be saved. Try using my suggestions for future pieces, though.

Hope that helped.