The Butterflies Dance No More

Not sure if 'Lyric' is the right forum for this, but I'm sick of stuffing everything in 'Other'. Enjoy!

EDIT: Thank you everyone for your fantastic reviews!

Butterflies used to dance all around me,
a symphony of souls in flight.
Waterfalls used to cry on my shoulder
until I dried their tears with the sun.

Stars would bring light to my world,
and shoot across the sky all at once.
While each blade of grass
bowed down to my mud-caked feet.

The storms still come, though,
and the air grows heavy with secrets.
I didn't see the thorn on the rose
until it had already pricked me.

I battled the raging blizzards
and refused to submit to the flames.
I stood in the rain and blocked out the thunder,
feeling the lightning in all of its glory.

Now, I am wet and cold,
with scorch-marks on my hands.
And the stars have told me
to find my own light.

The grass is withered and dead.
The waterfalls’ tears flow elsewhere.
For my sun has finally set,
and the butterflies dance no more.

Hiya Evi!
Wonderful poem. Some rhythm issues, though. And I don't particularly understand your transition from the second to the third stanza. The grass was bowing before you, but now you're battling blizzards? How'd that happen?
Anyways, just fix those tiny little things, and you'll have a fantastic poem. Sorry this isn't much of a review, butr there's really nothing else wrong with this.

Hey there Evi! June here!

Aw! This poem was so sweet!

I like the imagery and how you "placed" yourself in this poem. You made yourself the focal point, but ironically, the readers focus is draw to the natural things surrounding it. Beautiful.

Quick nitpick:

But I battled the raging blizzards

and refused to submit to the flames.

Is "But" necessary here? Can you sustain the same meaning without it? Are you really giving your readers something more valuable in using it than you would without using it?

*

I really like how you turned the poem around; at the beginning, everything was embracing you-- but at the end, it's like all has turned its back on you. However! You don't make it seem like it was done rudely or in vain, it seems like you (in a strange way) appreciated the change-- almost as if they have shown you the right way.

*

The rhythm issues in this do not take away from this in the least. At first, it might seem like it has a flaw or two, but I like it just the way it is, dear. It was so sweet, innocent, and natural.

Keep it up!

June

[[gold star!]]

Hiya Evi!

Okay, this has been pointed out already but I also don't like the transition between the second and third stanzas. It feels like you deleted a stanza between them and never replaced it with anything.

The only lines I didn't really find flowed well are these:

Waterfalls used to cry on my shoulder
until I dried their tears on the sun.

They don't really fit with the syllable pattern of the first two lines. Other then that I didn't notice any awkward bits.

Nice work!

~Rosey

Helllllllllloooo, Evi!

Here as requested!

Keep in mind, my poetry knowledge is limited to ancient epic poetry like Homer and Virgil. ^_^

Evi wrote:Not sure if 'Lyric' is the right forum for this, but I'm sick of stuffing everything in 'Other'. Enjoy!

Butterflies used to dance all around me,
a symphony of souls in flight.Gorgeous imagery.
Waterfalls used to cry on my shoulder
until I dried their tears on the sun.On the sun? I think it would be better if you said "with the sun." I dunno, this kind of sounds like you are putting the waterfall on top of the sun to dry it out. ^_^

Stars would run my errands for me,Something about this line is weird. They ran your errands? What do you mean like that? It's my personal opinion, but I think it make make more sense if you said you danced with the stars or something like that. Saying they "ran your errands" makes it seems like the stars bought groceries for you.
and shoot across the sky at once.I would say, "and shoot across the sky all at once". It makes more sense and fits the rhythm better.
While each blade of grass
bowed down to my mud-caked feet.

But I battled the raging blizzards
and refused to submit to the flames.
I stood in the rain and blocked out the thunder,
feeling the lightning in all of its fury.
It seems odd to me that you portray nature in this positive light, but blizzards and fire are considered bad? This stanza is kind of random. It feels like you used to have a segway stanza leading into this, but you erased it.
Now, I am wet and cold,
with scorch-marks on my hands.
And the stars have told me
to do my own work.These last four lines really don't fit the meter at all.

The grass is withered and dead.
The waterfalls’ tears flow elsewhere.
For my sun has finally set,
and the butterflies dance no more.

Overall

Beautiful, beautiful imagery.

The only thing you really need to work on is your meter -- try reading your poem out loud. Experiment with different rhythms. The best advice I can give to you is to simply read more poetry and study the meters -- whether it be hexameter or iambic pentameter, it will help you a lot.

Sorry, my poetry reviewing skills are rather lacking.

Hope this helped,
Sakura

Hey Evi
I've decided to review something of yours, 'cuz I love your stuff (:
I'll go over your poem first then comments

Butterflies used to dance all around me,

I love this for a first line, it pulls us in and refuses to let us go, just what it should

a symphony of souls in flight.

I love this line, so lyrical and... poetic, <see that wonderful originality there *sarcasm*

Waterfalls used to cry on my shoulder

Again I adore these lines

until I dried their tears with the sun.

D'ya know, I envy you so much, not only are you incredible at prose, you're also incredible at poetry. absolutely beautiful imagery.

Stars would bring light to my world,

I do like this line, but not as much as the start, I don't know... it seems a little bit of a truism. That said, it is nice, I just don't like it as much as the rest.

and shoot across the sky all at once.

While each blade of grass

bowed down to my mud-caked feet.

Much improved! I adore these two lines.

The storms still come, though,

and the air grows heavy with secrets.

I like this line

I didn't see the thorn on the rose

until it had already pricked me.

Great

I battled the raging blizzards

and refused to submit to the flames.

D'ya think succumb would work better than submit?

I stood in the rain and blocked out the thunder,

feeling the lightning in all of its glory.

To pick up on the point that everyone else has made, I don't like the transition much either, but I don't think I mind it as much as everyone else. But where everyone else thinks it's like you missed out a stanza, I feel it's more like two seperate poems in one, if you get what I mean, that said I wouldn't worry too much about it. xD

Now, I am wet and cold,

with scorch-marks on my hands.

And the stars have told me

to find my own light.

Aw

The grass is withered and dead.

The waterfalls’ tears flow elsewhere.

This has to be my favourite line in the whole poem, it's beautiful.

For my sun has finally set,

and the butterflies dance no more.

Great conclusive last line.


My comments
I love the imagery in this poem Each stanza is beautiful in its own way, your diction is great too. You should keep writing poetry, studying different types and experimenting as sakura said. xD

Keep it up

~Kirstenn
x

Evi wrote:Not sure if 'Lyric' is the right forum for this, but I'm sick of stuffing everything in 'Other'. Enjoy!

EDIT: Thank you everyone for your fantastic reviews!

Butterflies used to dance all around me,
a symphony of souls in flight.
Waterfalls used to cry on my shoulder
until I dried their tears with the sun.

Stars would bring light to my world,
and shoot across the sky all at once* (no comma)
While each blade of grass
bowed down to my mud-caked feet.

The storms still come, though,
and the air grows heavy with secrets.
I didn't see the thorn on the rose
until it had already pricked me.

I battled the raging blizzards
and refused to submit to the flames.
I stood in the rain and blocked out the thunder,
feeling the lightning in all of its glory.

Now, I am wet and cold,
with scorch-marks on my hands.
And the stars have told me
to find my own light.

The grass is withered and dead.
The waterfalls’ tears flow elsewhere.
For my sun has finally set,
and the butterflies dance no more.

Hey Evi Shina here ^^ Since it's purps vs. blues today, I decided to infiltrate the purple peeps by going and reviewing some of their work. Have fun in the welcome forum by the way xD They're a tough crowd to please

Now onto your review:

I really liked the description in this poem. I know your sensitive about age so I'll say this honestly, it's good for anyone. This poem is actually a lot better than what some of the older writers on YWS post up. The only problem for me was the flow. It would flow then stop then swerve then slow. The flow of this poem is like a roller coaster. It's probably because some words seem to rhyme while others don't. I'm not sure, but you need to find a better flow for this.

Okay I lied about the only problem thing ;P Sorry. All good works need good reviews though. The second problem with this is : What does all this weather have to do with anything? The way you transitioned from butterflies to stars to storms to fire to blizzards to dead butterflies is confusing @_x It's like reading many different poems. I think you should focus on one idea and start there. This poem seems more like six poems than just one. You need to work on the connection between your sentences rather than between each word. It's important to keep the link going.

In the * part, I thought maybe taking out "all at once" would be better since it seems to long.

Keep writing ^^

~Shina