Watermelon Rinds

Enjoy! Feedback appreciated, if you are so inclined.

EDIT: Oh, I forgot. Picture Prompt Nine. Thank you everybody for your reviews and your stars! They all made my day. You were all so very helpful and I hoped I've edited well.

The flower was drenched in teardrops.
Hannah knelt on the grass in front of the sidewalk, fingering a dandelion. She could barely see the trail of moving black dots on the concrete through the film of tears that coated her eyes. After a shaky breath, she wiped her nose on her sleeve and stared at the ants as they hurried along, not even stopping to pay their respects to their lost brother.
She hiccuped.
Momma had told her to be careful. Momma had warned her when she first brought the jar into the house that ants weren’t the best pets; they were too small, too easily lost. Hannah hadn’t been swayed by her words, though. She was determined to be the best ant owner in the history of the world. It had become a full-time job to her--a duty, almost, to make sure that her charges were always accounted for.
The problem had come when she stuck two tiny slivers of watermelon in the jar for the twenty-three of them to share. It was a kind gesture; that should’ve mattered for something. But the intention behind it didn’t change the fact that, after they had finished one, she had tried to remove the rind. How could she have known that there was still one ant on the back of it? How could she have known not to grip it in that exact spot? How could it have been avoided?
Another small sob escaped her; it was the burial song of a friend, carried on a wispy breath of wind and dissolving in the sunlight.
Hannah looked from the jar to the sidewalk, comparing her precious charges to the line of free souls wandering the world without anyone to care for them. Beside her, the ants in the jar seemed to be straining at the glass, begging for freedom--begging to join their brothers on the sidewalk. It was hard for Hannah to watch them trample each other, just as it was hard for her to watch her kittens battle at the food-bowl. It gave her the feeling that she had failed them. But they were hers, and she wasn’t willing to let them go. Was life outside any better, any safer?

That was the reason she was there in the first place, though, wasn't it? To release her friends in the jar. To let them roam free, despite the fact that nowhere was safe for them, and there was nothing she could do to try and save them from the world. And she would do it, in a minute. She would save them from herself.
She wiped her tears on the back of a chubby hand. What had she done?
Daddy even counted them for her, every single night. That first night had been the best; sitting in his lap as he held the jar, watching the moving dots for a moment and then announcing in a steady, proud voice that there were exactly twenty-three. She loved hearing Daddy do his adding. The numbers were utterly foreign to her, each one nothing but a pretty sound, but still, it was comforting.
The line of dots on the concrete just kept flowing, some carrying small white crumbs on their backs. They continued without question, without stopping to look at the world outside of their quest for food. Hannah wished that one, just one of them, would turn their tiny head a little to the right and see the crumpled corpse that lay, squished, on the back of a watermelon rind. It would make her feel that much happier to know that her little one hadn’t died unloved and neglected, with none of his fellow ants to know of his sacrifice.
But, one by one, the dots passed by.
She watched them, her lower lip quivering, and picked up the jar. Inside were twenty-two ants, all centered on the last sliver of pink watermelon, continuing on as if nothing had happened. As if they didn’t know that the watery blue eye of a murderer was staring at them. With a sniffle of hopelessness, Hannah unscrewed the lid and gently tilted it over, letting the watermelon slide to the edge of the jar so that she could grab a corner. Meticulously, she pulled the slice out. She was careful not to crush a single of her lovelies during the process. She would not bear the guilt of two lost lives.
And then, holding her breath as if even breathing could kill, she set the watermelon down on the concrete as gently as Momma tucked her in at night. She made sure none of them were crushed in the bottom, still trapped in the jar, or on her fingertips, struggling for freedom.
The twenty-two of them that were left safely hacked away at that piece of fruit, oblivious to the change of scenery. Hannah could see through her tear-blurred haze that the line of black dots was now reversing its direction and doubling back to get their share of the treasure. She was glad. At least some of them could benefit from her actions.
She looked, crestfallen, at the poor mangled body of her victim and crawled over to him. With whispered assurances that his soul would travel swiftly to bug heaven, she placed the dandelion over the body and the rind, sending him love.
After a moment of silence, the tears had seemed to dry in the sunlight. She brought up a hand to wipe her face, and stopped. There, in the middle of her palm, was a second small, black dot.
It wasn’t moving.

So, yeah. I wrote it for Clo's Monster Mash (my first attempt at a contest!), and it is now submitted. Thank you for reading.

Hi there! I'm MidnightVampire. You can call me MV, Midnight, vamp, vampire...It really doesn't matter to me. I think you should really try entering the contest. There's no harm in trying, right? Plus, you have almost an entire month to refine your entry. So go for it!
Fore some reason I couldn't see picture nine...perhaps you could describe it to me?

Evi wrote:Hannah knelt on the sidewalk, fingering a dandelion. She could barely see the trail of moving black dots on the concrete—ants—through the film of tears that coated her eyes. With a shaky breath, she wiped her nose on her sleeve and stared at the dots as they hurried along, not even stopping to pay their respects to their lost brother.
She hiccuped, feeling like a monster.

The first sentence is a little confusing. First, you mention that the ants are on the sidewalk, and then yous say they're in the jar. So, are they different ants, or did they magically teleport? Or is she on the sidewalk with the ants??

After a moment of silence, she lifted a chubby hand to wipe her eyes. There, in the middle of her palm, was a second small, black dot.
It wasn’t moving.

I like the ending a lot. Not something I expected (which I absolutly love).
Overall
One of the things that it says you're judged on is style. Which, to me, means originality. And I'd give you an A++ for that. Its really original, and I have no idea how in the world you came up with it.
The other is description. Though you use description, you don't use a lot. Likethis:

all centered on the remaining sliver of pink watermelon, all continuing on as if nothing had happened. As if they didn’t know that the watery blue eye of a murderer was staring at them.

You used a little description, though you didn't use a lot. Maybe you could squeeze in a little more. Not specifically in this paragraph (though if you could, that might help a little). I'm not good at grammer, so I'll just leave that to someone else. : )
I think I covered all I see. I wish you luck in the contest!
~MV

Thanks a lot, MV. I'll try to cram that description in somewhere.

Picture Prompt Nice involved a smiling girl lying on the grass with a fistful of limp flowers. The flowers led me to bugs, and I made the 'bug monster' connection. Thanks for reviewing, and yes, I think I'll enter it soon.

Ohhh, Evi. ;=;
The poor ants. ;=; See, usually I don't care about ants, but I think it helped that the poor little girl stole my name and made me think like her since we share the same name. ;=; Aww... how sad Hannah must feel now too! D: Way to put the emotion in there, Evi. You just ROCK at this writing thing. ;D

Comment/critique time! ^_^

She could barely see the trail of moving black dots on the concrete—ants—through the film of tears that coated her eyes. With a shaky breath, she wiped her nose on her sleeve and stared at the dots as they hurried along, not even stopping to pay their respects to their lost brother.

I think that the way you slip 'ants' into the first sentence kind of breaks up the flow. Obviously the dashes indicate that we should step back from the sentence, even for a split second, to read something else. >_< I like the sentences around the dashes too much! You shouldn't break it up! Instead maybe insert 'ants' down when you say she 'stared at the dots', so you can clarify what they are without killing a pretty sentence. ^_^

Momma had warned her when she first brought in the jar that ants weren’t ideal pets; they were too small, too easily lost. Hannah hadn’t been swayed by her words, though.

Hmm, I think 'brought in the jar' is kind of awkward. >_< Maybe instead you could say 'brought the jar into the house', just for clarification? Also, that last sentence is awkward as well because you put 'though' at the end. MAYBE if you connect it with the next sentence with a semi-colon, it would be okay! ^_^

It had become a full-time job to her. A duty, almost, to make sure that her charges were always accounted for.

I also think these two sentences should be connect with a double dash! ^_^ I think. xD

The problem had come when she stuck two tiny slivers of watermelon in the jar for the twenty-three of them to share.

Huhhhm, the phrasing of the first part is kind of awkward. >_< Maybe 'the problem had started'? -shrugs-

It was a kind gesture; that should’ve mattered for something. But the intention behind it didn’t change the fact that, after they had finished one, she had tried to remove the rind.

Eeeps. I can see the difficulty in these three sentences. >_< I'm beginning to wonder where double dashes are grammatically correct because I seem to use them to solve everything. xD Hahaha, for example, I'd stick one in instead of the semi colon and then use a comma after 'something'. Oh, but then that sentence gets so long. MAYBE we could do this: 'The intention, however, didn't change the fact'? ^_^ Think about it?

carried on a wispy breath of wind and disappearing into the sunlight.

Ooh, I really like this part, Evi! I think, however, that you should maybe say 'dissolved' into the sunlight to keep it parallel to 'carried'. ^_^

Beside her, the ants in the jar seemed to be straining at the glass, begging for freedom. Begging to join their brothers on the sidewalk.

=O Huh. I think you should change that period into a comma {the one between freedom and begging} because they all should probably stay in the same sentence. ^_^

It was hard for Hannah to watch them trample each other, battle for the best spot. But they were hers, and she wasn’t willing to let them go.

!! I also think you should change the period between 'spot' and 'but' into a comma. ^_^ Hehehe~

She wiped her tears on the back of a chubby hand. What had she done?

After a moment of silence, she lifted a chubby hand to wipe her eyes.

Errrm, so I think we need to change the description of one of these. >_< They're kind of almost exactly the same. Teehee. xD

or on her chubby fingertips, struggling for freedom.

In fact, you use 'chubby' there too. >_< 'Plump' maybe? -shrugs-

She loved hearing Daddy do his adding, almost as much as she loved watching him plant his dandelions.

o_O; He /plants/ the dandelions!? xD Don't most people try to get rid of them? Also I don't think you need that second part of the sentence anyways. It's enough that she loved hearing Daddy do his adding! ^_^ Unless the dandelions are super important {which they don't /seem/ to be}, I don't think you need that second part! ^_^

The line of dots just kept flowing, some carrying small white crumbs on their backs. They continued without question, without stopping to look at the world outside of their quest for food.

I think you might want to specify that these are the 'outside' ants as opposed to the ones in Hannah's jar! ^_^

She watched them sadly, her lower lip quivering, and picked up the jar.

Hummm, I don't think you need to say 'sadly'! xD I think we already get that she's sad, and even if we didn't, we'd get it from her 'lower lip quivering'. ^_^

With a heartfelt sniffle of hopelessness, Hannah unscrewed the lid and ever so gently tilted it over,

>_< Errrck, I don't really like that first part of the sentence. I think you could even just say 'a sniffle' or maybe 'a sniffle laden with hopelessness'? >_<

Meticulously, she pulled the slice out. She was careful not to crush a single one during the process.

Since you refer to 'the slice' right before you say 'a single one', that's what we think you're talking about! You have to clarify what she's not trying to crush. ^_^

All twenty-two of them were safely hacking away at that piece of fruit, almost unaware of the change of scenery.

Wait, how does she know this? Doesn't her daddy count them for her? Also, if the ant she smushes at the end is one from the jar, then wouldn't there be less than twenty-two? If the ant she smushes is from the line, then that's okay. xD But still~ How would she know?

I like this story a lot, Evi!! <3

-gold starface-

<3

-Hannah-
-Hannah-

Evi
I've been gone for ages so here's Kirsten's first review in ages

Let's start with the actual piece of writing
[quote]The flower was drenched in teardrops. See, the reason that I hate your writing is because it's so good. I envy it with my whole being . Your first sentences are fantastic, I absolutely love them. As usual it's great.

Hannah knelt on the grass in front of the sidewalk, fingering a dandelion. She could barely see the trail of moving black dots on the concrete through the film of tears that coated her eyes. With a shaky breath, she wiped her nose on her sleeve and stared at the ants as they hurried along, not even stopping to pay their respects to their lost brother. beautiful

She hiccuped, feeling like a monster.

Momma had told her to be careful. Momma had warned her when she first brought the jar into the house that ants weren’t ideal pets; they were too small, too easily lost. Hannah hadn’t been swayed by her words, You don't need this comma methinks though. She was determined to be the best ant owner in the history of the world. Aw, how cute It had become a full-time job to her--a duty, almost, to make sure that her charges were always accounted for.

The problem had come when she stuck two tiny slivers of watermelon in the jar for the twenty-three I love you, you use letters instead of figures when writing numbers, do you have any idea how many people don't. Seriously, it's my pet hate of them to share. It was a kind gesture; that should’ve mattered for something. But the intention behind it didn’t change the fact that, after they had finished one, she had tried to remove the rind. How could she have known that there was still one ant on the back of it? How could she have known not to grip it in that exact spot? How could it have been avoided?

Another small sob escaped her; it was the burial song of a friend, carried on a wispy breath of wind and disappearing into the sunlight. Lovely imagery

Beside her, the ants in the jar seemed to be straining at the glass, begging for freedom. Begging to join their brothers on the sidewalk. It was hard for Hannah to watch them trample each other, battle for the best spot. But they were hers, and she wasn’t willing to let them go. Was life outside any better, any safer?

She wiped her tears on the back of a chubby hand. What had she done?

Daddy even counted them for her, every single night. That first night had been the best; sitting in his lap as he held the jar, watching the moving dots for a moment and then announcing in a steady, proud voice that there were exactly twenty-three. She loved hearing Daddy do his adding. The numbers were utterly foreign to her, each one sounding random and nonsensical, but still, it was comforting.

The line of dots on the concrete just kept flowing, some carrying small white crumbs on their backs. They continued without question, without stopping to look at the world outside of their quest for food. Hannah wished that one, just one of them, would turn their tiny head a little to right and see the crumpled corpse that lay, squished, on the back of a watermelon rind. It would make her feel that much happier to know that her little one hadn’t died unloved and neglected, with none of his fellow ants to know of his sacrifice.

But, one by one, the dots passed by.

She watched them, her lower lip quivering, and picked up the jar. Inside were twenty-two ants, all centered on the remaining sliver of pink watermelon, all continuing on as if nothing had happened. As if they didn’t know that the watery blue eye of a murderer was staring at them. With a heartfelt sniffle of hopelessness, Hannah unscrewed the lid and ever so gently tilted it over, letting the watermelon slide to the edge of the jar so that she could grab a corner. Meticulously, she pulled the slice out. She was careful not to crush a single of her lovelies during the process. She would not bear the guilt of two lost lives. This is so cute, but at the same time so hilarious

And then, with careful precision, she set the watermelon down on the concrete. She made sure none of them were crushed in the bottom, or still trapped in the jar, or on her fingertips, struggling for freedom.

The twenty-two of them that were left safely hacked away at that piece of fruit, almost unaware of the change of scenery. Hannah could see through her tear-blurred haze that the line of black dots was now reversing its direction and doubling back to get their share of the treasure. She was glad. At least some of them could benefit from her actions.

But she looked, crestfallen, at the poor mangled body of her victim, and crawled over to him. With whispered assurances that his soul would travel swiftly to bug heaven, she placed the dandelion over the body and the rind. Lovely

After a moment of silence, the tears seemed to dry in the sunlight. She brought up a hand to wipe her face, and stopped. There, in the middle of her palm, was a second small, black dot.

It wasn’t moving.


So, yeah. I wrote it for Clo's Monster Mash (my first attempt at a contest!), but I fear I shan't work up the courage the submit it. The title is subject to change; I'd love suggestions. Also, about everything else is subject to change, too.



I loved this Evi It's great, you better enter this, or I will hunt you down I really loved this, and I do promise to do you a real review, seriously, hold me to it, but I have homework and it's due in tomorrow and it's half seven at night, and the essay has to be three thousand words long and yeah...
xxx

Hola, Evi!
I'm here to return the favor. Also, congratulations! You get my 100th review! *throws confetti*


First, let me start off by saying this: Don't begin a piece with negative comments. It makes us automatically think that this doesn't have much to offer. Most people will stop reading after that, and you don't want that to happen! Have some confidence in your work.

Now, let me say that this was lovely. A melancholy story reminding us all what it was like to think like a child. However, with good stories there is always something to improve upon! Let's get to it.

Fix-Its

She could barely see the trail of moving black dots on the concrete through the film of tears that coated her eyes.

Bit of a run-on here. Or maybe that's just me. Either way, I think it would be better off if this was broken up.

It was a kind gesture; that should’ve mattered for something.

Don't know why, but I love this line. It just makes me automatically increase my feelings of sympathy for Hannah.

Beside her, the ants in the jar seemed to be straining at the glass, begging for freedom. Begging to join their brothers on the sidewalk.

After "freedom", insert an em dash ( — ).
Otherwise, the second sentence is a fragment, and we don't want that. I know that it's difficult not to occasionally write in fragments since we often speak in fragments, but still. Tsk-tsk. (Disregard "Stairs" completely, haha.)

It was hard for Hannah to watch them trample eachother, battle for the best spot. But they were hers, and she wasn’t willing to let them go.

I would rewrite the sentence:
"It was hard for Hannah to watch them trample each other—battling for the best spot—but they were hers, and she wasn't willing to let them go." Gotta love that em dash.
Also, "each other" is two separate words. I mess that one up all the time, so no worries.

Hannah wished that one, just one of them, would turn their tiny head a little to the right and see the crumpled corpse that lay, squished, on the back of a watermelon rind.

Addition in bold.

With a heartfelt sniffle of hopelessness, Hannah unscrewed the lid and [s]ever so[/s] gently tilted it over, letting the watermelon slide to the edge of the jar so that she could grab a corner.

I think you should remove the "ever so" because it's just an intensifier, and you shouldn't need those if your description is already good enough (which it is).

She made sure none of them were crushed in the bottom, [s]or[/s] still trapped in the jar, or on her fingertips, struggling for freedom.

The first "or" is rather jarring when read aloud. I'd just remove it.

But she looked, crestfallen, at the poor mangled body of her victim, and crawled over to him.

Okay, so you've started a few other sentences with "but" and "and". I've let you get away with it because they were just fine and used in the proper context. However, this time it really bugs me; the second conjunction is out of place and turned your sentence into a run-on.
Here's what you could do: "She then looked, crestfallen, at the poor, mangled body of her victim. She crawled over to him, blinking away the tears that threatened to soak her cheeks." Meh. Something along those lines.

It wasn’t moving.

Irony. Nice.


Grammar/Vocabulary

Grammar, grammar. I will say that a few sentences bothered me, namely the ones that began with conjunctions. It's normally a huge no-no to begin sentences with "but" or "and", but as long as the sentence is still proper, it's acceptable in literature. Occassionally. In legal documents and newspaper articles you will (should) never see "and" as a sentence starter. As a writer, you've got a lot of freedom, but don't go crazy! Just make sure you keep using those conjunctions in the right context and it'll be alright.
I just realized that I'm ranting, so I'll stop. It really didn't bother me that much, I just thought I'd let you know.
Fantastic. Your use of vocabulary was incredible, however, I don't think that helped your character (will talk about later). Really, it was great. Just make sure you don't go too crazy with the fancy words. You don't want your readers whipping out dictionaries!


Description

Now, I'm a big fan of description. It takes a lot for me to think someone is describing something too much. Overall, your story was well-described. It didn't go overboard anywhere, and it didn't seem too terribly lacking in any areas.
However, there was a spot where you kind of got me stumped. You first introduce the scene with Hannah watching a line of ants on the sidewalk; we then later presume they are hers. Then, you explain the ants are still in the jar.
If she's watching other ants, then make sure that's cleared up. Sorry if anyone else pointed this out already.


Characterization

While the character of Hannah was cute, she was rather confusing. At first, I was under the impression she was much older. All throughout the piece, you use a rather 'grown-up' vocabulary (which, as I said before, is wonderful), but as great as all that is, we need to have a clear idea of how old she is. If we're reading about a little girl and you describe her using the vocabulary of a young adult, it's going to be harder to show us that she's, well, little. See what I mean?
Okay, that sounded confusing. In other words, I didn't think Hannah was little until you used the words 'Momma' and 'Daddy', and explained that she can't count.
Otherwise, she was a sweet MC. I like her, and I feel very sorry for her "loss". You definitely gave her a very innocent disposition, so kudos for that!


Originality

On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the most unique, I would give this a 9.5. I've never read anything like this before, and your execution of the idea gave it an innocent and slightly depressing feel. Although most people wouldn't normally think of the death of an ant as a bad thing, you pulled it off and managed to make us feel sorry for Hannah and her loss. Really, I was surprised to find myself a bit upset when I finished reading this.
I took off a .5 because I did not like this:

She hiccuped, feeling like a monster.

You're a great writer, Evi, and I know you can make this more subtle. Stating the purpose of your story at the very beginning of the piece is...unnecessary? I can't think of the word, but that's about right.
I think you can take out this line all together. Try reading your story without this one sentence, and see if you get the same idea that Hannah thinks she's a monster. You should be able to. Through Hannah's actions and thoughts it is clearly shown how she feels, and it's not in such a painfully obvious manner. Have faith that your audience will know what you're conveying! Your description and characterization will back that up immensely.


Overall Impression

This was extremely well-written, Evi. I'm impressed! The story was short and sweet, and it miraculously managed not to feel like you were giving us a boat load of information all at once. I'm still pretty much in shock at how much fun this was to read. This is most definitely a piece people will remember; you're originality was incredible. You do need to work on consistency, though. As I explained before, Hannah's tone confused me a bit at first—was she five or fifteen? Make sure that you make it clear to us that she is indeed a younger child, and therefore needs to sound like one.


I wish you the very best of luck in the contest! This is certainly an amazing piece. Kudos!
*Gold Star*


~anti-pop

Heyy Evi,

Excellent job on this...I never thought much of killing an ant, but I can totally relate to this! I'm impressed with how you connected such a small event with being a monster. I loved how you characterized Hannah, and how you made the reader empathize with her...I loved the imagery in this as well, especially the way you described the actions of the other ants and how Hannah feels watching them... I couldn't find any other nitpicks that the other reviewers hadn't covered...The end was my favorite part, even though I felt extremely bad for Hannah...Gold Star for you!

fluteluvr77<3

Hey! Here by request. I see you've already had a load of great reviews, so I'll skip the nitpicks and focus on anything I might be able to add.

I don't actually have a lot to say; I loved this story and it was nicely executed. The characterisation was fantastic, and you've a great basis for any improvements. Think of this review as more suggestive, which you're in right to disagree with.

--Try putting in a few more similes. As much as I love this story, it feels very isolated. All I know about Hannah is that she loves these ants, is young, is cute, and is at a loss with herself for something that a reader might see as quite trivial. Now that's great, but, similes are a way for us to get an insight into other sides of the character. Let me explain: you might want to say something like "the colony of ants marched forwards like her old cat, swaying ahead with exhaustion". As an example. Basically, compare things that Hannah might know, things that shape her, with the happenings of the scene before us.

--Lengthen this out somewhat. It's fine for what you have, and all the ground is covered with no excess, but it might be a good idea to explore the scene a bit more. Make Hannah think about who the ants are; personify them. See, we need a greater focus on the ant she killed in terms of why she feels so much guilt. Yes, it's child-like guilt and yes, she's young but use that to your advantage. Is she worried about the ant's family, or it's life? Is she a murdered? Those are just a few ideas that might convey Hannah a little more. In such a short space character development is essential.

If I was too abstract, send me a PM with any questions you might have. =) Hope I've helped. Overall, lovely!

Best
Blinky

Hey Evi! I feel the need to review this, because you're so awesome.

The flower was drenched in teardrops.

Though everything else comes across as original in this storyline, I find it strange that this is the line you decide to start off with. The rest of this story is good -- this opening line does not show this. Why? It's the mental imagery given, really, with your word choice. Something being "drenched" in tears is a very worn out and amateurish statement. Opening lines are very important with short stories. You need to start off with something strong, endearing, impressive, that drags us in and keeps us in. This sentence is very week, and I suggest getting rid of the word drenched and finding a different way to describe the tears, using words that aren't so expected. Something as simple as "The flower was spotted in teardrops" at least strays away from the overused imagery. Phew! I rambled, but the opening line made me sad because I liked the rest of the story so much!

With a shaky breath, she wiped her nose on her sleeve and stared at the ants as they hurried along

The way you have this phrased makes it sound like she wiped her nose with a shaky breath. Consider "After a shaky breath".

not even stopping to pay their respects to their lost brother

"Lost brother" -- these words and the imagery they stir up I find very amusing in this story.

it was the burial song of a friend, carried on a wispy breath of wind and dissolving into the sunlight.

Instead of "into", try "in".

She could love unconditionally, even past death, in that way only a child can.

I found this sentence weird. "In that way only a child can" -- I think you mean to say "in the way only a child could", or maybe it would sound better as "She could love unconditionally, even past death, as only a child can". I'm confusing myself with this sentence, haha!

Though the monster wasn't grandscale, menacing, or powerful in anyway, it was extremely interesting. I like how it involves personal perception. Obviously no one else thinks this girl is acting like a monster, but this girl sees herself as monstrous due to some helpless clumsiness that no one can avoid. The characterization in this story was done very well. You clarify the age of the child in such a simplistic but clear way (the father counting the ants and her not knowing the numbers), and even though the sorrow is a little unusual, you don't make it seem too freakish that the little girl is that sad.

The childish tone you've done very well. When it comes to characterization, I suppose you could've gone a little further, in order to give the story a litle more substance -- perhaps why this girl desired ants as a pet so much, as it is quite unusual. Though it is very nicely written as is...

One thing I was wondering while reading the story was why Hannah has taken the jar of ants out to the sidewalk, where there are more ants on the ground. Having two seperate groups of ants (those in the jar and those on the sidewalk) is a bit confusing for the reader, as one might assume that Hannah has already released the ants, or that she plans on capturing more of them -- either way, having two different groups of the subject without properly detailing why there is two I found momentarily confusing, and even right now I might have a detail wrong. Specify why she's observing the ants on the sidewalk while looking at her own jar.

Anyway... this is a really great story, Evi. This is the first story I've seen by you, and I can see you have a lot of talent! I hope to read more of your stuff in the future!

PM me if you have any questions.

~ Clo

The flower was drenched in teardrops.

I – loved – this. It’s a truly amazing opening line; fabulous imagery, and immediately snared my attention. Brilliant.

a duty, almost, to

I’d change ‘duty’ to ‘calling’ – it would have more of an impact, I think. c:

Another small sob escaped her; it was the burial song of a friend, carried on a wispy breath of wind and dissolving in the sunlight.

Further amazing imagery here – and I especially liked the mix of wind and light. It’s very vivid, I thought.

she had failed them.

I’d add ‘somehow’ to the end of this: ‘she had failed them somehow.’

from the world.

Maybe change to, ‘from the (perils/dangers) of the world.’ ?

She would not bear the guilt

‘She could not bear the guilt’.

There, in the middle of her palm, was a second small, black dot.
It wasn’t moving.

I expect it’s quite cruel – but I really laughed at this. You can perfectly imagine how her face must be: staring, aghast, at her hand.


Comments, then. I love the imagery you use, and your command of the English language is amazing. I really enjoyed reading this piece; and hope you keep on writing. c: You’re a damned fine writer.

Hey Evi ^^

xD It's been 5 months since you've posted this, and 3 since it's last been edited. I can't do anything more than comment ^^

I realized that there's something unique about your writing, and it's really interesting. I haven't checked everything you've written, but it seems you pull the reader in with one sentence, and somehow, you make a whole story to go along with it.

For example, in Dusting off Angels, you start off this way too, yes? With a simple sentence you grab your reader and take hold.

Another thing I noticed is that you tend to pay attention to even the most insignificant little detail and make it a large part of the story. I think it's these kinds of instances that make your stories seem real to people, believable.

My only regret is that you don't seem to write anything beyond a short story. Maybe that's your thing, but I really want to see what you can come up with if you wrote a novel. There's so many great writers here on YWS, but most of them seem to never finish their projects. Instead, they change their paths and start another project. When you have the gift, the silver tongue, you should take advantage of it.

But then again, as long as you're satisfied with what you write and as long as it makes people happy, you should be happy too ^^

-Shina