Phoenix Saga Chapter 2 Healer

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Some one asked me if this was fantasy based off the first chapter. Well here is some proof. I will finish out this character chapters which goes to three, and I'm debating the next characters chapters, because I just don't like how it turned out. Please critique I need the input.



Ethan wasn’t surprised to find no one paying attention to the teacher in last period he still had the ridicules notion that he could still teach them stuff. Everyone was focused on the clock counting down the very seconds three, two, one they called in unison. Summer they screamed. No one paid the teacher a second glance as they stormed out of the room whooping and hollering. Ethan walked out slowly, trying to avoid any interaction with his friends.

The buses were line up ready to take the kids home for the last time this year. Across from the buses were the parents in their cars that picked their kids up.

Ethan was shocked to find his foster father parked amongst the overprotective parents. Hennery was waiting in his green pick- up truck urgently motioning for Ethan to come.

Most of the time Ethan just caught the bus, Ethan concluded from the urgency in his movements and the oddity of him being there that it had to be an emergency. Ethan quickly ran to the car as he suspected Hennery was tense. His eyes were wide his hairy knuckles griped the steering wheel which made his fingers white. In fact he was completely pale.

“We have to get to the hospital. Stephanie got in a car accident.” Ethan nodded and got in. He was still on a first name basis with his new family, but he didn’t want to get too attached to any one family. It was only a matter of time before they found out about his abilities and got rid of him just like all the others. He didn’t know who his real parents were, and by the time he was twelve he didn’t really care.

From an early age, he discovered he had the ability to heal others. It started when his pet dog a beagle named Butch was hit by a car he panicked and ran into the street his hands glowed blue and the dogs injuries healed. He hadn’t told anyone, but his first family got rid of him after he healed their real child. Through a string of unfortunate events, he was forced to use his powers on multiple occasions each time the foster families got scared and got rid of him.

The red truck Explorer snaked through the forest green blurred by the windows as the car hit eighty miles per hour. Hennery looked pale and sickly as he opened his mouth for the first time in fifteen minutes.

They pulled into the parking lot of the hospital. Hennery got out of the car so fast he forgot to take out the keys or close the door. Ethan stayed behind to remedy these problems. He sprinted after Hennery keys in hand, when he caught up he found Hennery yelling at a nurse, demanding to see his wife. He felt sorry for the poor woman and gave her a weak smile knowing that Hennery was not pretty when he was angry. The nurse was looking up at the red faced man in growing fear.

Ethan was the first to notice the doctor approaching. A haggard looking man with grey hair and spectacles, his white coat was dingy. Ethan wasn’t sure if he would want someone so dirty and tired looking to operating on him if he ever had a problem.

“Mr. Brown I’m Doctor Bell and you can see your wife now.” The nurse looked at the doctor in relief and scurried away. Hennery followed the doctor.

“Is she alright?” Hennery asked Ethan heard the pain in his foster father’s voice.
“Well, I don’t know how to say this but,” he sighed ruffling his grey hair making him that much more unkempt. “She’s doesn’t have long,” he said.

Ethan could tell this doctor had very little tact; he had tried to say it kindly but had failed miserably. He should have eased Hennery into it. Ethan moved fast enough to catch the bulky man as he tumbled backwards. Using all of his strength he managed to get Hennery back onto his feet.

“Are you sure doc?” Hennery looked like he was ready to throw up.

“Positive there is too much internal bleeding.” Ethan knew the doctor meant well but his blunt attitude was going to make Hennery faint.

“So can we see her before she dies?”

“You mean you want me to come with you.” Ethan couldn’t help but sound amazed, he had suspected that Hennery would have wanted to go in alone and spend time with his wife before she died, but he was inviting him to say goodbye as well.

“Yes you too she’ll want to see her son before she leaves,” Hennery said. That was the first time he had ever been called their son; in fact it was the first time anyone had called him son. It made him feel good. The doctor showed them to the room. Lying on the bed was Samantha, her blond curls were mated with blood, her face bruised and cut. The sight of his wife hooked up to machines in such horrible condition had broken Hennery. He fell to his knees and began to blubber like a baby; Ethan patted him on the shoulder.

“I’m going to get you some coffee.”He whispered. Despite what Hennery had said Ethan was sure Hennery needed time alone with his wife.

He walked to the cafeteria slowly making it a point not to look into other people’s rooms. Another ability of his was to feel pain. It was highly uncomfortable to be in a hospital with so many people in pain. He wanted to help them but he knew very well that if he did he wouldn’t be praised, but shunned and treated like a lab rat. Either way he wasn’t willing to take the risk. Even without the pain Ethan didn’t like hospitals for other reasons. They tended to smell sterile. Ethan held his breath till he reached the cafeteria.

The cafeteria was crowded with various people most of them looked like they hadn’t left for days. Some had bags under their eyes their hair disheveled and they eye lids fought to stay open.
He bought a sandwich and coffee. Out the corner of his eye he saw a flicker of long red hair. He turned thinking he saw Veronica standing by the window playing with her hair like she tended to do, but there was no one in the spot where he sworn he saw movement.

He went to inspect it closer but there was no sign of her. Cherry perfume permeated the air which was Veronica’s perfume of choice. He was being paranoid. Cherry was a common scent, he reasoned. Plenty of people could obtain the same perfume at any mall. He pondered this as walked back to the room.

His thoughts were interrupted by alarms blaring through the cramped hallway, calling “code blue, room twenty- four”. He ran to the room where now nurses were pouring into. He pushed them aside and reached his foster father who was being held back by five doctors. The doctor that had been so rude before had the paddles out, and was trying to restart Samantha’s heart. It wasn’t going to work Ethan thought.

He felt torn. He could save her but then he would reveal himself. They could turn him into a science experiment if they caught him. He heard Hennery’s sobs and decided without further hesitation.
He pushed the doctor out of the way and put his hands one her chest before anyone could reach him, a blue light resonated from his hands illuminating her body. He wheedled the energy through her body healing the punctured heart and lungs. Her heart restarted, now all the doctors had to do was give her some blood, and she’d recover in no time. He pulled his hands away and wasn’t surprised by the faces he saw. Some were scared some were amazed and they were approaching him slowly, like a hunter that didn’t want to scare a deer.

He didn’t bother to look at Hennery but he ran for the door cutting through them. He darted down the hall tuning out the calls of rage as he pushed people out of the way. He didn’t stop till he reached the forest across from the hospital and leaned against the tree he fought the urge to scream and cuss. He had ruined his life again.




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Hi! Sorry it took me soo long to get to this but I haven't had the chance until now. But, here I am now so let's see what you got :D

Ethan wasn’t surprised to find no one paying attention to the teacher in last period, who [s]he[/s] still had the ridicules notion that he could still teach them stuff. Everyone was focused on the clock counting down the very seconds.
[New Paragraph] "Three, two, one!" they called in unison, "Summer!' [s]they screamed.[/s] No one paid the teacher a second glance as they stormed out of the room whooping and hollering. Ethan walked out slowly, trying to avoid any interaction with his friends.

Ok, what I did here was fix some of you grammar mistakes and clear up some things. The first sentence was really confusing since their were multiple subjects. It took me a second to figure out the he was the teacher. As for the countdown, it should have been a new dialogue and every new dialogue deserves a new paragraph. Remember that. As for the countdown itself, it seemed a little unreal to me. These kids are in eighth grade right? The last time my whole class unanimously counted down to summer was probably in elementary. I couldn't really believe it :/

The buses were lined up, ready to take the kids home for the last time this year. Across from the buses were the parents in their cars, waiting for excited children to show up[s]that picked their kids up[/s].

You got a little repertitive at the kid part so I cleared it up and added a suggestion I would put.

Most of the time Ethan just caught the bus, Ethan concluded from the urgency in his movements and the oddity of him being there that it had to be an emergency. [This whole sentence seems wrong to me. Aside from the grammar mistakes, it's just too choppy. my suggestion: Since Ethan was usually a bus kid, he immediantly assumed that something was wrong and his guess was only strengthend by the urgency in Henry's movements."] Ethan quickly ran to the car as he suspected Hennery was tense. His eyes were wide and his hairy knuckles griped the steering wheel[s], which made his fingers white[/s]. In fact he was completely pale.


Alright. With the second edit I made--the strike through-- I did this because it would make the sentence flow better. I get what you were trying to do with the knuckles part, but the way you phrased it just took away from the sentence. Come up with a better way to word it and then I would put it back in ic I were you. As for the second part, your telling not showing. How is he pale? Why not put something else instead, like "His usually ruddy face was completely drained of any color and it was coated with a sheen of sweat."?

“We have to get to the hospital. Stephanie got in a car accident.” Ethan nodded and got in. He was still on a first name basis with his new family and for a reason. [s]but[/s] He didn’t want to get too attached to any one family. It was only a matter of time before they found out about his abilities and got rid of him just like all the others. He didn’t know who his real parents were, and by the time he was twelve he didn’t really care.


Hmm. The last sentence seems a little misplaced to me. I understand its relevence to Ethan's character, but Im not sure it goes to well here. Could be just me though

“Mr. Brown, I’m Doctor Bell. [s]and[/s] You can see your wife now.” The nurse looked at the doctor in relief and scurried away. Hennery followed the doctor.


Grammar errors. Also, telling not showing with henry following the doc. What did Henry look like? How did he follow the doctor? Eagerly? Desperatly?

“Well, I don’t know how to say this but,” he sighed ruffling his grey hair making him that much more unkempt. “She’s doesn’t have long,” [s]he said.[/s]


Repettitive. We already know the doctors talking, so you dont need to say it.

“Yes you too she’ll want to see her son before she leaves,” Hennery said. That was the first time he had ever been called their son; in fact it was the first time anyone had called him son. It made him feel good. [new paragraph] The doctor showed them to the room. Lying on the bed was Samantha, her blond curls [s]were[/s] mated with blood, her face bruised and cut. The sight of his wife hooked up to machines in such a horrible condition was too much [s]had broken [/s]Hennery. He fell to his knees and began to blubber like a baby; Ethan patted him on the shoulder.


Run of the mill grammar errors and I also fixed a little tense mix ups.


He went to inspect it closer but there was no sign of her. Cherry perfume permeated the air [s]which was Veronica’s perfume of choice.[/s] He was being paranoid. Cherry was a common scent, he reasoned. Plenty of people could obtain the same perfume at any mall. He pondered this as walked back to the room.


The part I crossed out was iirelevent since we found out Victoria wore cherry perfume in the last piece and it took away from the otherwise great description of the moment.

And that's that.

Overall:

Ok. There were several grammartical errors scattered throughout this entire thing. I didnt have the effort and go through and fix every one so I'll leave that up to you. Most of them are repeats of the ones I did show you, so just keep your eyes open. Also, you need commas a lot so dont be afriad to use them.
Next: You tell a lot instead of showing. Work on that. I really dont know any ways to help you other than to just say be careful and try not to go into too much description. Sorry I'm not much help here ^^;;
Third: Repettition. You repeat yourself a couple times and it gets annoying. Watch out for stuff like saying the same thing twice if you dont need to and using the same words.
So thats about all I found. Aside from your mistakes, I thought this piece was very good!! The ending left me haning on what was going to happen to Ethan and the whole hint of Victoria completely creeped me out. Very good work all around so keep it up! :D Hope this review helped any ^^

--PandPez




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Yes it did help. I plan on taking all your edits to heart. God I really suck at grammar, because this is my second draft, ater two of my teachers have looked over it. I see that you have put up your 4th Weavers. I'll review it
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

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this was as awesome as the last, it got me and kept me in it If this was sent to a publisher i bet it would get in, and if not the guy who read it is an idiot who does not know good writing when he sees it. I really want to read more of it, so if you could please post more i would be so so glad. So please pleas please do it for me.
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Hi again Amon.
Just wanted to see what you were going at for the next chapter. This was actually more appealing than the first chapter. Problem: It's not supposed to be that way.

I liked it. He's a healer. Even some of the professional writers haven't managed to pull that one off. ('Cept Garth Nix but that's because he's a good writer like that.)

You were doing a good job. Again though, please, please, please, add more detail! I want to know more about his life! I want flashbacks, and pondering, and figurative language! Don't put things so bluntly! I want more it more subtle.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a grammar Nazi. I prefer looking at the content of the piece rather than the spelling mistakes. Unless it's really bad. Then it starts to bug me.

And develop your main character more. I want to know what he's like. Give your characters life. Make it like you're describing someone who actually exists! I'd like to see some personality.

And, if he's been to through so many families, why would he care about this one inparticular? Tell me!! I want to know!

The End. I'm being so harsh. I'm really sorry, but I'm just trying to help... don't be mad...

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
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~ The Little Prince~




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A healer being a rare to pull off professionally? Then apparantly all my work just entered the original bin on that one. And I was a good healer for five years...well, guess I am an odd one!

Anyways, Amon. The flow is again too quick for me and yes the end is actually better then the beginning at this point. At least we get a quick answer to why he had to move, but the reality which exists in this story doesn't seem to condone typical social order or emotions. The characters just don't seem to be real to me, they operate illogically, well all but ET. Good nick, btw.

Some word choices bother me, 'blubber like a baby' was one distasteful bit I recall.

You are lacking description of events and I think you could seriously beef them up and probably change the first chapter around because V is not so key in this chapter as the healing ability possessed by ET. Might as well start with the action and have V make an appearance in connection to this. Just a suggestion, but a tough one to look into I know.




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Last edited by PhoenixBishop on Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~




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Hey Bishop,

Well, I know this piece is old but since you linked the page to me, I'm going to comment :D

I have to agree with several comments made on this page; this chapter was much better than the first. Actually, couldn't you have started with this chapter? We'd learn so much about Ethan; he's in foster care, he's a healer, cares about people even if it ruins his life and so on.

Also, everything goes by so fast, if would be nice to see some more. The famous showing not telling principle.

And one more thing? At first, the foster mother is called Stephenie, then you change it for Samantha. haha. Surprised no one noticed that ;)

Off to the next!
Tanya :D



'They are afraid of nothing,' I grumbled, watching their approach through the window. 'Together, they would brave Satan and all his legions.'
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights