My Only Sunshine ch. 1

...

I like this so far and I'd love to review it. I am going to school soon so I'll review it once I get back.
It's a good start, just a few things from me.
Can't wait to see more of Lucy and Izzy. =]

-Chenka

I quickly glanced at this piece, but it only took a couple sentences to keep me hooked until it ended. I love the way you write, the horrible jam incident made me smile and I really like your characters.

Keep going !

Here I am. =]
Note: Most my comments are on the fact that you have present tense, not past. So technically they are suggestions.

A glob of strawberry jam slips off the edge of my toast and lands on the leg of my pants. I frantically dab at it with a napkin, but it only smears and leaves an ugly pink circle on the tan fabric.

Ok, so this is merely a suggestion. For the words above I would have put them in past tense. 'Slipped'; 'landed'; 'dabbed'; 'smeared'; and 'left' just fit together in the sentence. Not to many people use present tense. It just throws off the whole story.

I guess I shouldn’t care; they’re old sweats, holes on the legs and strands of fabric escaping the hems. Besides, I’m not exactly required to look pretty right now.

In the bold are the changes I have made to the run-on sentence. It sounds a bit better now. A suggestion, of course.

It’s eight o’clock at the galley,

I'm sure you meant gallery. x3

It’s eight o’clock at the galley, the college Is it a gallery or cafeteria?cafeteria at NYU, and only a few other students are here, eating late-night snacks and toiling over homework.

This sentence is a bit confusing and is defiantly a run-on. I'd split up the sentences. 'Tolling' doesn't fit there, either.
Example:
The clock at the end of the NYU campus gallery read eight o-clock. Only a few other students surrounded me, eating late-night snacks and inspecting their homework.

More people are milling around the bookstore shelves above me, some peering over the banister down at those of us eating. I glare at anyone that meets my eyes.

I'd use were, not are. Once again this sentence has present tense and it's a bit confusing. Past tense is used most often by writers, or at least that I've seen.

I am not in a good mood.

Once again, past tense. I think I have a better explanation on why people use past tense. It's because the character is telling a story that has already happened. Especially if it's in first person.
So. was not am.

College is

was

I hardly have

had

I will fall down dead

would

has now glued my pant leg to my thigh]

Just; had.

I peer at my watch.

peered

it’s after

it was

I scratch at the drying spot of jam on my pants with one hand and twist a lock of hair around my finger with the other, slouching over the table and feeling my self-esteem break into little jagged pieces.

scratched; twisted
Sounds better:
I slouched over the table and felt my self.....

A girl plops suddenly

plopped

I look up, and it’s Izzy

looked
I'd add something else to the comment after the comma.
Example;
I looked up, Izzy's face greeting me with her normal self:

“how did it go?”

Capitalize the 'h.'

interrupts

interrupted

eyes is almost painful as she squeals

was, instead of is
squealed, instead of squeals

I take a deep breath,

took

Izzy stops and looks

stopped, instead of stops
looked, instead of looks

I sigh again.

sighed

Lizzy says wisely, because now’s she caught on and is in supportive comfort mode.

[size=9]
'Now's' is not a word.
'Lizzy said wisely, because now she had caught on and was in supportive comfort mode.'

I whisper dully

whispered

She waits calmly

waited

I say.

'Asked,' would be better.

says Izzy, looking at me.

Izzy said, looking at me,

“Lucy.” She’s slightly exasperated now. “Trust me, okay? You are the kindest, smartest, most talented person I know. You’ll get that job in no time. Besides,” she says, leaning back in her chair and suppressing a yawn, “what’s wrong with waiting at Cee’s?”

'"Lucy," she was slightly...'
'she said, leaning,...'
Capitalize 'what's.'




I'll stop here. The rest of the story is just full of present tense. You are a bit confusing because you switch between present and past tense sometimes. Otherwise, like I said before, I love this story.
I know it's a lot of revision, but every good book/story needs this. It's a good beginning and I can't wait to see more of this.

-Chenka

Hey, 200397 nice to meet you. I'm here as requested! lol

I actually really enjoyed this. Ever since I was younger and used to write romantic fiction, I've kind of not been so keen on modern day romances but this really drew me in.

The present tense sort of put me off to start with, I found it a bit difficult to get into but that is probably not your fault. It is probably because I have never read a story that is in present tense.

The characters are beginning to develop really nicely and they mirror real life or at least what I experience as real life lol. I can totally relate to Lucy because I have all the doubts she has. I want to be a writer and a film maker and so often I say like the exact words she says. Like what if I'm not good and what if I never make it. So I really connected to her. Then of course I ring up my parents or a friend and they do exactly what Izzy does! lol

The back story is very interesting and tragic, might I add lol The dialogue for me is believable and it flows well. So often you find that dialogue can ruin a piece because it just doesn't seem realistic.

The only thing I worry about is that it will fall into a stereotypical love story about a girl who likes a guy but he doesn't like her and then they like fall in love. I have read that story so many times and even tried to write it lol So I think just be careful and give your story a unique selling point, something that no other story like it has. I think this music thing and singing could be part of that though.

I saw you posted the other chapter so I'll head on over and review that Sorry I can't put more things to fix but there isn't much to fix and you know I don't do grammar! lol

Pm me if you have any questions

Bex x

P.S. I think I'll give you a star

Hey Sunny!!

I just thought I'd read this since I haven't read anything yours and this is more recent.

A glob of strawberry jam slips off the edge of my toast and lands on the leg of my pants. I frantically dab at it with a napkin, but it only smears and leaves an ugly pink circle on the tan fabric.
Dang. Just my luck. I guess I shouldn’t care; they’re old sweats, holes on the legs and strands of fabric escaping the hems. Besides, I’m not exactly required to look pretty right now. But still, it’s never a good thing to walk around with food sticking to you like a bad omen.

Though this is only the beginning, good characterization!

They imagine me, ten years from now, without job, without husband, and without life.

I'm liking Lucy so far but this just seems bland, try to make it more colorful.
Example: They look at me and imagine that ten years from now, I'll be a lonely woman without a job or life. To them, I'll be this girl with the pink stains on my pants forever. But what do they know?

But brooding about college is just the result of my bad day. If only Izzy would show up and I could vent . . .

I'd get rid of those two words.

A girl plops suddenly into the seat across from me. I look up, and it’s Izzy: stylish blonde hair, muddy eyes, and a pug nose; skinny jeans, mismatching converse shoes, and an Angels & Airwaves T-shirt. My safe-haven and the only person who can lie to me kindly and break the truth to me gracefully.

Haha, in my novel I have a character named Izzy. She wouldn't be caught dead dressing like this but forget her, Angels & Airwaves is awesome. ^_^

OOps well I gotta go, but I'm lovin' it so far. Lucy is a really interesting character and you write wonderfully, but I'll be back, I promise.

Ta,

~Angel

Hello again, Sunny!!

“They told me I needed singly lessons. A bar manager told me I needed singing lessons.” I sigh again. “I’m a failure.”

singly = singing

I think that 'I' in "I needed..." should be italicized. Your dialog is so believable and when I read it out loud I just can hear Lucy putting emphasis on the 'I'

“They told me I needed singly lessons. A bar manager told me I needed singing lessons.” I sigh again. “I’m a failure.”

“Well, I saw it on Wikipedia—”

Haha

I’m thinking to myself now, but I know Izzy’s listening, waiting for me to stop so she can offer up a helpful response.

I'd nix the underlined part.

My mom was a maid to his wife, and a cook in the kitchens, and after Mrs. Fairfield—whom we all call Moira—heard about the incident with my father she took us under her wing.

There should be an and where the underlined she is.

I am, and always will be, in love with him.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You can't just say things like that and then go on to talk about this Nicholas guy. Elaborate. I mean, why is she in love with him? Either get rid of that statement and elaborate later or elaborate now.

Okay, I like this and one thing I will mention is that you just need to work on your tenses. You switch from time to time and it can get a bit confusing, so if I were you, I'd reread this and put the is where the was is, you know?

Well, I think this is interesting and I can't wait to see where this goes.

Keep writing,

~Angel

P.S. I love the title

Sunny, I'm still working on the pieces you sent me via email but I decided to give you this review to help you out as well (also, I love your work and anything new draws me in )

It's difficult to explain. I mean, in high school he was the dreamy, mysterious football player. His grades were okay, but he got into Harvard with a scholarship (and a load of bribery from Moira) in football. His eyes are so clear and blue, and his hair is blond and the right kind of messy. I like the way he looks in collared shirts with the sleeves rolled up, I like the way he saunters down the hallway and runs a hand through his hair. I don't like the way he glances at me and says, "Oh, hi, Lucy."

Wow, you have no idea how much I absolutely love this paragraph. You go and describe how perfect it is and then go to her and how he says ‘oh, hi lucy’ Ah, so beautiful! This is how it really works when you have a guy friend and yet they don’t see you as anything but a friend. Perfectly done, Sunny!

~ ~ ~ ~

As you can tell, I have no mistakes for you to point out. This was a super cute beginning. The only thing I would work on is spicing up the beginning a bit before Izzy shows up. The jelly-jam thing was sweet but I think you could add a bit more just to draw the reader in more quickly.

Otherwise, hopefully I can read on later today

Hi, nice to meet you! Your story really drew me in, and I loved Lucy and Izzy's personalities.

I just caught one little slip (that I think I'm correct on, but I can't be sure) :

As you mentioned, you're writing in present tense. This threw me off at first, but I think if you really want to do it, you should.

Anyway, at the part when it says "she whispered", shouldn't it be "she whispers"?

200397 wrote:“Are you, er, going to see You-Know-Who?” she whispered, cocking an eyebrow in meaning.
We both know who she’s talking about.

All in all, pretty good story! I enjoyed it, and I'm trying to figure out who the man shall be.
(I personally think it should be Nicholas. Not to ruin the story or tell you how to write it, just a prediction)
Well, I'm off to read you're second chapter! Bye!

You're story is so interesting!!! I saw when you posted the fourth chapter and read a sentence or two, and then thought it'd probably be smarter if I started on Chapter 1.
Your use of present tense really confused me at first, but I think it gives the story a unique personality.
And the characters are so believable! It's like you can really understand how and what they're feeling.

Sorry I can't give you any constructive criticism, but I can't think of anything to else to say that hasn't been previously mentioned.