A Bird In Katie's Head:part two

Part two of A Bird In Katie's Head. *PS: I know what I'm writing about, just wait and see what it turns into!
.............
With a back-pack full of paper, she sat down, and emptied the contents onto her desk. The first bell of the morning rang, stinging her eardrums. Startled, she moaned as the same itch formed itself in her throat. Then, preturbed, she began to wonder: why had it just done that? She hadn't made her throat make that noise. What was going on? Her eyes found their way to a blip in the wood of her desktop where someone had carved the word rockstar. Her thoughts swirled like the grain of the wood, looping swerving, diving around dead ends and distractions. Suddenly, these contemplations were interrupted by a tapping on her desk as she sat, deep in thought.
Tap-tap.

Thwap-tap-tap.

Twap!

Feeling sure it was Emilina, she kept looking down at the place on her desk where a person had written in red pin: Rockstar.

Thwap! Thwap..

Verruhhoom!

At the sound of a throat being cleared, she jolted upright in her seat, now loosing a louder, more violent moan.

Bwuuuih!

A set of pinched green eyes stared down at her as she caught her breath.

"Y-yes, Ms. Mcormick?" she bit her lip in embarrasment as she realized the entire class had their eyes pinned to one geographic location. That point was more specifically her reddening face.

"Katie Wheeler, why didn't you pass in your homework when it was collected?" The middle-aged woman's gaze bored holes into Katie's terrified eyes.

"Uh...?" she stuttered feebly in response.

"Well?" Ms. Mcormick said mockingly, giving the giggling class of kids a warning glance.

"Oooowh!" bellowed the insolent set of intent fifth graders.

"I...don't-don't-don't-know, where it, uh, is," Katie said slowly, digging in her folder. It wasn't there...

"Well?" Ms. Mcormick tried again, as if the single word could make a finished homework paper appear.

"I-I'll bring it tomorrow?" Katie's statement rang with a pleading, pitiful undertone.

"I'm afraid not," said the teacher, cocking her head to one side as she considered the possibility.

"Silent lunch!" whispered a voice in the front-right corner, geared loud enough so that Katie, in the middle of the room, could hear it. She saw Emilina's vengeful smile as her eyes flooded with tears.

"You can do it during recess," Ms. Mcormick contended reticently, "But I'll have to send a note home, Katie. You were doing so well this fall. I want to talk to you at the end of the day. Go on now, take out your reading books, class..."

Lunch was miserable, for Katie couldn't bring herself to sit with her friends. Some friend Emilina was!
Nor did she have the courage to talk to Andre. Instead, she sat alone, reading a book on whales. She gazed longingly at the images of humpbacks and orcas, breaching in the roiling surf of a far-off bay. Whales, she thought fleetingly, looked so care-free. She had soon finished her cold hamburger, downing as many greasy french fries as she could before she felt sick.

At recess, she sat on the ground, flipping through pages of her math book, tiredly copying the problems and dividing, adding, scratching out things with her pencil. The other kids were running around the swing set, making sand-castles in the dirt and going across the monkey bars. In anger, she pressed her pencil point through the paper, then began to make a line of perforated dots. When she'd finished, they read: I Hate Math. For some reason, she felt the itch in her throat again, and began to moan.

"Katie, are you okay?" called a concerned-looking woman, the teacher's assistant, Miss Blue.

"I...don't know," Katie stuttered, noticing for the first time that day that her hands were shaking violently.

Miss Blue walked over to her and extended a hand to her, murmuring sympathetically, "I'll take that worksheet if you're finished with it.

"Uhm, I'm finished," Katie said tentatively, handing the slightly rumpled paper to her teacher.

"Good, these are right," mused the teacher as she checked the front, "Oh. What is this?"

Katie froze, frowning. She knew she was in trouble.
.................
Feedback is welcomed! This, if you're wondering...is based off of my elementary school experience. Yes, there's more coming! Hope you enjoyed it.
Once again, feedback is welcomed.
Thanks,
Cheers!
--Voxina

Hello, dear! Sarah again.

With a back-pack full of paper, she sat down, and emptied the contents onto her desk.

Backpack has no hyphon.

The first bell of the morning rang, stinging her eardrums.

A noise can't technically sting your eardrums. It could pound in your eardrums or reverberate or echo in your eardrums.

Startled, she moaned as the same itch formed itself in her throat.

'Same' doesn't make sense as the itch hasn't been mentioned before.

Then, preturbed, she began to wonder: why had it just done that?

Never use then - it kills your sentence. It would sound much better if you just started with 'peturbed.' Furthermore, this sentence is quite confusing, with all the 'if's and 'that's. Be specific, it's the first rule of telling instead of showing.

She hadn't made her throat make that noise.

Eek. You need to rephrase, the repetition of make is annoying my inner word use Nazi. Sorry, a bit OTT. Maybe rephrase as, 'She hadn't ordered her throat to make that noise,' or 'she hadn't asked for her throat to make that noise.'

What was going on?

Thoughts in italics.

Her eyes found their way to a blip in the wood of her desktop where someone had carved the word rockstar.

Rockstar should be between quotes.

Her thoughts swirled like the grain of the wood, looping swerving, diving around dead ends and distractions.

'grain' should be plural.

Suddenly, these contemplations were interrupted by a tapping on her desk as she sat, deep in
thought.

Never use 'suddenly', it really slows down a flow. Also, the second comma isn't needed. I mean the one after 'sat.'

Tap-tap.

Thwap-tap-tap.

Twap!

Feeling sure it was Emilina, she kept looking down at the place on her desk where a person had written in red pin: Rockstar.

Thwap! Thwap..

Verruhhoom!

At the sound of a throat being cleared, she jolted upright in her seat, now loosing a louder, more violent moan.

Bwuuuih!

Eh, I'm not a fan of all this onomatopaeia. One 'thwap' is okay to give effect but that just makes it immature. Also, you don't need to repeat that somebody's written 'rockstar' as you've stated this previously. Just say 'the red writing' or something.

A set of pinched green eyes stared down at her as she caught her breath.

Eyes can't be pinched. ^ ^ They can be narrowed.

"I...don't-don't-don't-know, where it, uh, is," Katie said slowly, digging in her folder. It wasn't there...

In = Into.

Overall Comments

Ah, this was a lovely chapter and it was very brave of you to share this with us. I've posted a novella about a short period of my life on this site, and so I can say honestly that I know how hard it is; though kind of releasing at the same time. I'll come back and add to this later but I'm getting dragged off the computer at the moment. So a quick summary - I love Katie, her character is really improving, just work on getting to her core and showing us her dreams, goals, weaknesses. Something for here - and us - to strive for. Good balance of description - well handled. The dialogue is better, just cut out the huge overloads of onomatopeaia.

Good luck!

Sarah

vox nihili wrote:With a back(no hyphen here)pack full of paper, she sat down (no coma here) and emptied the contents onto her desk. The first bell of the morning rang, stinging her eardrums. Startled, she moaned as the same itch formed itself in her throat. [s]Then,[/s] Preturbed, she began to wonder: why had it just done that? She hadn't made her throat make that noise.

What was going on?

Her eyes found their way to a blip in the wood of her desktop where someone had carved the word 'rockstar'. Her thoughts swirled like the grain of the wood, looping swerving, diving around dead ends and distractions. Suddenly, these contemplations were interrupted by a tapping on her desk as she sat, deep in thought.
Tap-tap.

Thwap-tap-tap.

Twap!

Feeling sure it was Emilina, she kept looking down at the place on her desk where a person had written in red [s]pin: Rockstar[/s] pen: 'rockstar'.

Thwap! Thwap..

Verruhhoom!

At the sound of a throat being cleared, she jolted upright in her seat, now loosing a louder, more violent moan.

Bwuuuih!

A set of pinched green eyes stared down at her as she caught her breath.

"Y-yes, Ms. Mcormick?" She bit her lip in embarrasment as she realized the entire class had their eyes pinned to one geographic location: [s]That point was more specifically[/s] her reddening face.

"Katie Wheeler, why didn't you pass in your homework when it was collected?" The middle-aged woman's gaze bored holes into Katie's terrified eyes.

"Uh...," she stuttered feebly in response.

"Well?" Ms. Mcormick said mockingly, giving the giggling class of kids a warning glance.

"Oooowh!" bellowed the insolent set of intent fifth graders.

"I...don't-don't-don't-know, where it, uh, is," Katie said slowly, digging in her folder. It wasn't there.

"Well?" Ms. Mcormick tried again, as if the single word could make a finished homework paper appear. (This line made me laugh. I guess that really is what adults believe when they ask you that, huh?)

"I-I'll bring it tomorrow?" Katie's statement rang with a pleading, pitiful undertone.

"I'm afraid not," said the teacher, cocking her head to one side as she considered the possibility.

"Silent lunch!" whispered a voice in the front-right corner, geared loud enough so that Katie, in the middle of the room, could hear it. She saw Emilina's vengeful smile as her eyes flooded with tears.

"You can do it during recess," Ms. Mcormick contended reticently, "but I'll have to send a note home, Katie. You were doing so well this Fall. I want to talk to you at the end of the day. Go on now, take out your reading books, class..."

Lunch was miserable, for Katie couldn't bring herself to sit with her friends. Some friend Emilina was!
Nor did she have the courage to talk to Andre. Instead, she sat alone, reading a book on whales. She gazed longingly at the images of humpbacks and orcas, breaching in the roiling surf of a far-off bay. Whales, she thought fleetingly, looked so care-free. She had soon finished her cold hamburger, downing as many greasy french fries as she could before she felt sick. (Nice use of description and emotion in this paragraph. It made put me right there in the cafeteria with Katie.)

At recess, she sat on the ground (no coma here) flipping through pages of her math book; tiredly copying the problems and dividing, adding, and scratching out things with her pencil. The other kids were running around the swing set, making sand-castles in the dirt and going across the monkey bars. In anger, she pressed her pencil point through the paper, then began to make a line of perforated dots. When she'd finished, they read, 'I Hate Math'. For some reason, she felt the itch in her throat again, and began to moan. (Another well-written paragraph. The first sentence was a bit of a run-on, I think, but you seemed to make it work.)

"Katie, are you okay?" called a concerned-looking woman, the teacher's assistant, Miss Blue.

"I...don't know," Katie stuttered, noticing for the first time that day that her hands were shaking violently.

Miss Blue walked over to her and extended a hand to her, murmuring sympathetically, "I'll take that worksheet if you're finished with it."

"Uhm, I'm finished," Katie said tentatively, handing the slightly rumpled paper to her teacher.

"Good, these are right," mused the teacher as she checked the front, "Oh. What is this?"

Katie froze, frowning. She knew she was in trouble.

So, vox: I've made my corrections and comments!
Overall, I enjoyed this chapter! The dialogue felt very realistic. When the teacher spoke to Katie, for instance, it really did remind me of the same tone of voice my elementary school teachers would give me.

Your use of description was very impressive here as well. I especially liked the cafeteria scene. It felt very believable and down-to-earth. You also managed to successfully play with my emotions! I felt sincere sympathy for Katie when she was being singled-out in class and when she sat alone at lunch. I'm also anxious now to hear what happens to her next! I hope she doesn't get into too much trouble!

I would also heed CastlesInTheSky's advice and ease back on the ontomonopia a tad bit. I rather enjoyed it myself. I think you used it properly and I didn't really find it to be innapropriately placed. However, it can still be cut back a little.

Well, that's all! I love your writing style, Voxina. It's so lovely and honest. More power to you!
*Gold stars*


*anti-pop