Stepping Into Static - chapter 3

I know this is going slow... it is only the first week still and it's chapter 3! But I have such lengthy previous chapters... well, I think so.
- He's no longer a veggie vampire, simply because I have another idea for him to quench his thirst...

AS for this chapter, I hope I have not plunged too much into the vampire thing, I might have pushed the fast forward button... and be cruel. I can take it.

Enjoy

--
ELLEN

I could tell Kassie had begun familiarising herself with Michael again, but I could see it in her eyes that she was only doing it to appear ‘taken’. Her miserable plan was to make Armel jealous. Certain failure right there. But at least she was too distracted by Michael to bother me about Jonah that much.
Gregory switched to a free period instead of continuing with Webpage Design, leaving just lonely Nathan to entertain me, though he’d begun to act strangely detached after Monday. He rarely spoke to me, so I rarely spoke to him – I didn’t even notice his absence on Friday. I must’ve looked like a virus, sitting by myself with two vacant chairs either side of me, the black computer screens as empty as I felt.
One week into school and I was a loner. So I’d lost the two bodyguards. I was amazed by how naked I felt, though I was wearing more layers today than usual, deciding to go on the white singlet to pull down over my skirt waist, an elbow-long sleeved white shirt to go beneath my tight black top. No part of me, except elbow down, was revealed, my legs concealed beneath long black yoga pants and red sneakers.
I was so toasty inside my concealed shell of clothes I didn’t feel him when he floated beside me. Only the noisy groaning of the computer disk whirling reluctantly back to life alerted me to his presence. His smell wasn’t so intense today – he must’ve noted the visible response from every female – but the atmosphere dropped one or two degrees immediately. I shivered before I could hold it back. His hand twitched and his body jerked slightly further away from me. An automatic response. My heart plummeted through the floor. Poor guy.
“Partner off and investigate Photoshop!” Miss Hale snapped without a greeting.
PMS, I guessed Damn, why can’t I have one nice teacher?
I turned my head to examine the task sheet, though none of it merged into coherent words. His even, rhythmic breathing so close to me distracted my mind so much I was merely looking without absorbing.
“Partner?” His voice was softer than silk, smooth and even and far from the dangerous growl people had rumoured. Others had said he was a monster who sucks our blood, and that’s why he’s impossibly handsome. Yeah, get real.
“Sure!” Just scream overenthusiastic! The voice in my head scolded, so I baulked quickly before he noticed, though he was smiling at me now, a soft, comforting smile. “I mean yeah, sure, if you don’t mind a clumsy brain dead zombie.”
His answering grimace was threatening, his eyes narrowing. They were a deep crimson today, far from the thick black of his first lesson.
“You’re not brain dead.”
“I’m clumsy though.”
“Your friend is more dangerous than you are, I have observed.”
“Observed?”
“What? Can’t I watch the people who spread wild rumours about me, and spend every lunch time gossiping about me behind my back?” His tone was light, his voice breaking off into a musical laugh, so I didn’t feel as frightened or embarrassed, as I should’ve been. His finger clicked the mouse once and his screen leapt with one million colours. I jumped with surprise, my hand flying over my heart. He laughed harder.
“Oh, gosh, wow I’m a twit.”
“Just human.”
“Huh?”
He stopped, sewing his lips together tightly, his eyes intense as he leant toward me. “Are you afraid of cats?”
“Rainbow ones, yes.” I pointed to the rainbow animal dancing across his screen. “Neat screensaver though.”
He lent back and smiled, his face creasing into a delighted grin. His blotchy skin folded into small wrinkles on the edges of his cheeks. I refused to look away, determined to burn this into my mind to think of in my dreams. Okay, major freak thought, I told myself, though I knew I’d be dreaming of him for a while.
“So work separately then combine later? It seems more logical than copying the rest of the class.”
“Oh, okay, I guess.” I mumbled softly.
“Is that alright with you?”
“Yeah, it’s great.”
After a pause he tilted his head to the side. “You’re mad.”
I ignored him, continuing to streak colour onto the square until the colours began to merge into a hideous square of muck.
“I don’t think that’s what Miss Hale has in mind…” he began, stopping when I glanced up at him.
“I don’t care.”
“Why are you mad? I only suggested we work apart, we can work on my computer if you like.”
“No, I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.”
“Who said you would be?”
“Me.”
He fixed a bemused grin upon my face, tilting his head to the other side side. “You’re a strange girl.”
“I’m frustrated, and I’m just not having a good day! I was late for school and didn’t get enough sleep.”
My hand slid over closer to his, his blotchy skin unusually cool and smooth like marble beneath my own.
“You need your sleep,” he whispered softly. I noticed the expensive cufflinks on his sleeves.
Woah, he is weird, nobody wears cufflinks at seventeen! I thought until Miss Hale interrupted.
“Okay, now Monday we’ll be working on how to move images from one to another, swapping backgrounds and removing objects from one image into another. Bring headphones because there are two tutorials you have to watch.” Miss Hale strutted across the classroom to sink into her desk chair, dismissing us with a smile.
She watched Jonah move, always one step ahead of me, on the way out of the small classroom. The sun was bright and warm on my face, the grass spongy underfoot. I’d never felt happier to be in its bask before, sick of the dreadfully wet summer the small town had recently suffered through. I’d wished for sun all my life here. Of course it’d never been granted, until today, and it shone fiercely, unleashing its full force upon my welcoming body, though I felt beads of perspiration build beneath my layers. Damn.
“Where are you going?” I asked him as he lingered behind.
Jonah paused mid stride; somehow he’d managed to conceal his body in the thin shadow lining the front of the simple red-brick building. It was a feat nobody else had ever succeeded in, yet he looked effortless in the way he was pressed up against the wall, clutching his blue binder to his chest with clenched fingers.
“The long way.”
“Why?”
“Why not?”
“It’s sunny, the first time in months. Unless you haven’t realised it doesn’t shine much around here.”
“So? Maybe I prefer the shade.”
“Afraid of a bit of burn?” I teased.
“It’s more than that.”
“Really, is it because you’re light sensitive?”
He winced at the playful mockery, but nodded. “Something like that.”
“You’re kidding.” I put my hands on my hips, staring at him with amazement.
“Nope. Is that a problem?” He drawled.
“No, not for me. How about you? Mind a tag-along?
“I don’t mind, but you don’t have to.”
“I want to, it beats walking all the way across the campus alone. Is that a problem?”
“No, of course not. You’re welcome to follow me if you so desire.”
“I do desire, and I will follow it. Lead the way.”
With a soft roll of his eyes he led me forward. For only five days attendance he knew his way around better than most of the seniors, navigating the narrow pathways with lithe ease. I watched enviously, blushing furiously when I tripped over the large cracks in the pavement and he laughed. He moved so fast, yet never missed a beat, never stumbled, and managed to avoid the sun like a poisoned razor blade. I followed obediently, breathless after the fifth time I had to jog – it was that or be left behind – but he was waiting for me, again, leant casually against a wall I didn’t even recognise.
“Are we going in circles?” I gasped, unable to take a long enough breath to fill my lungs.
“I’m not evil. Our lockers are just over there,” he pointed across the grass to the door opening up to the senior’s block. A few younger kids were entering cautiously, then running back out and sprinting as fast as they could manage to the safety of their own block. All that stood between us and the door was a huge stretch of grass, bleached off-white by the sun further toward the darkened hallway.
“Lets go,” I urged with a step into the sun.
“I can’t.”
“Why not? It’s just a little bit of stupid sun!”
“I can’t.” His groan was purely agonized.
My body stiffened at his desperate, resigned tone. I spotted Kassie on her way to the cafeteria, clutching the arm of a Hispanic boy I didn’t recognise. Our eyes locked for the briefest of seconds; she turned away first, throwing her nose up and speeding her pace. She wore fluoro red Nike’s that blinded me, even between the vast distance dividing us. Jonah analysed us, staring at my face when I spun to meet his eyes. He was standing so close my skin began to prickle.
“Why do you do this?” He lifted his hand to hold my shoulder. I shivered at the touch but couldn’t look from his dark eyes – now seductive.
“I don’t know… I just do things. I’m being nice.”
Jonah grinned so his face creased into a shockingly beautiful smile. There goes my heart again, I thought as he leaned in toward me. I gasped when he gently grasped my elbow, my breath catching in my throat – he frowned when I almost choked. Jonah was gazing down at me with a look I could only imagine as bemusement as he cupped my back with one hand, gently pressing me to his firm body.
“What… what are you doing?” I gasped. “If you want to thank me…”
“I like you, possibly too much, but I don’t care.” He whispered hoarsely. “Nobody is ever this nice to me.”
“You can’t thank me with words?” I gasped, though my heart halted when he leaned away from me. I knew he’d heard it and believed it over my words because then his face was inches from mine, a whisker of air between our lips.
“Do you like me, Ellen?”
“Yes,” I gulped, unable to stop myself from grasping the lapels of his heavy black coat – more to stop myself from tilting backward than to bring him closer, though that’s what it did, and I gave a small squeak when his lips claimed mine in a demanding kiss.
Oh gosh! I thought. He’s… so…. Good!
I literally yanked him closer, unable to stop myself from letting the long dormant desire - now scrambling to life like a startled animal within me. - take control of my body.
He broke it without effort, though my fingers tightened and slid around his neck.
“Why do you like me?” Jonah asked as he peered deep into my glazed eyes.
He lowered his lips so they gently brushed against my forehead. My heart slammed against my chest at breakneck speed as he began to slowly slide them down my right cheek. His touch was like nothing I’d ever felt before - both gentle and kind but held a possessive flare that unsettled my stomach, forcing it into hectic flips.
“I just… do.”
“You don’t have to.” He whispered with his lips on my ear. “Be stronger than this.”
“So you want me to hate you?”
I felt the tip of his tooth graze my jaw – oh shit – but then he was squeezing me tighter, as if he never wanted to release me. I knew he didn’t want me to hate him.
“No, I don’t want you to hate me. I want you to love me like I love you…”
Wait… hold up! Love?
“You stir such a passion within me, such a fierce longing – emotions I have not felt this way in centuries.”
Centuries? I gave a small squeak of surprise. Some sick joke.
I willed myself to respond, to shove him back or at the very least gain a little distance between our bodies, if only my body wasn’t so bent against it.
“You… centuries? Love? Wait!” I managed to wriggle my knee between his thigh, forcing a sharp jerk upward until I met with his most sensitive flesh, biting back my own small scream of pain that would’ve been unmatched by anybody if he had not drowned me out.
“You little…” he cursed, pushing me away to double over.
“Now you know not to go around kissing people!”
“I…” he straightened then had his arms around me again in a second flat. “I have been searching for you for over eight centuries, Ellen. I’m sorry for this, I really am.”
“Eight centuries? You have to be kidding me!”
“I only wish I was. And your smell… your taste… your heart… everything is luring me to you.” Jonah hung his head, ashamed, flinching when I touched his hand.
“And why should you like me? This stupid skin…”
“Why have you got it?”
“You really want to know?” He looked at me with incredulousness on his kind face. I shrugged and curled my fingers through his.
“Sorry I kneed you. I’ve never had a boyfriend before.”
“You? Never?”
“That hard to believe?” I gave a short laugh. “I did for last winter but it was just a seasonal affair.”
I glanced down to where our fingers were entangled. “You’re different, Jonah.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“Yeah, I think it is.”
“Then you obviously paid no attention to anything I said.”
“I do that often,” I chucked.
He grinned and pulled me into his arms once more; our kiss was short but we parted on better terms, his fingers giving mine a gentle squeeze before he nodded to where Kassie was waiting by the lockers, concealed within the shadow but visible with her sneakers.
“Don’t leave school, please?” I begged.
“Why would I do that?”
“This feels like a fairytale, like another high school romance where the prince kisses the ugly bride and then runs off with his beautiful princess. I don’t want you to run off from me, Jonah.”
“What will assure you?”
“Give me a cufflink.”
“One of these? Well, okay. But don’t lose it, or I might return the pain you inflicted upon me just then.”
“I believe you, I really do.” I closed my hand over the sterling silver cufflink he placed in my palm.
“Seems like Kassie is getting agitated, so you’d better go.”
“What about you?”
“I’m fine by myself.”

That night I busied myself contemplating everything I’d talked about with Jonah. We knew nothing about each other. I didn’t know anything about him except that he was tall, handsome, pale, fast, and hated the sun, preferring to walk in the shadows than dance in the sun. He shared little about himself, frequently brining up his brother in passing conversation though he never expanded, and I felt intrusive to ask. He was a good listener and read my expressions like a book, that much was blatant. I realised I had so many questions that unless I began a list I’d forget them, so I scribbled them all down, ending up with over twenty eight. I invited Kassie over for Saturday night ‘Girls Night In’, thankful when she brought mud masks in her overnight bag also overflowing with nail polish and moisturisers. Dad was out with Maria and Justin – her annoying eighteen year old son, my new step brother – in Seattle for the night so we had the house to ourselves.
“C’mon, don’t be such a wuss! I might suck at mud mask application,” she struggled not to hide when I narrowed my eyes.
“No, you beyond suck at it! My face wasn’t even a face last time! I need to breathe, remember? So when you covered my nostrils… well, you’re never touching any form of mud to my face ever again. And I’ve seen your nails, so no way are you putting any nasty polish on mine until you get a degree in cosmetic application.”
“Oh, fine, be that way!” She got up and plunged her hands into the cosmetic bag, yanking out a nasty shade of green that only made my stomach clench with disgust. But I remained pensive as she applied it with gentle flicks of the brush. I rolled my eyes when she showed me her nails – in perfect condition.
“Still, I refuse to trust you with my nails. Forget it Kass, I’m more than perfectly capable of doing it by myself!”
Kassie and I resigned to the plasma downstairs once our masks were washed off and nails bone dry, ready to collapse in tears over a romantic flick or laugh at Futurama or drool over Chad Michael Murray.
In the end we settled for Buffy The Vampire Slayer, followed by a documentary by a not-so-credible film company on vampires called ‘Are They Real?’ Kassie laughed at most of the things they said – their fangs hold venom deadly enough to kill ten humans, and they search out lonely virgins to make into their slaves.
“You know what?” Kassie abruptly leapt up off the couch to grab the pad of paper dad left on the kitchen bench, flicking the pen up and scribbling ‘Vampires In Raymond’ in her messy scrawl.
“We should make a list of people who are vampires at school?”
“Why not?”
“According to what rules? And who’s rules?”
Kassie flicked her long blonde hair over her shoulder, plastering on that ‘deep in thought’ pondering look that she thought made her look attractively smart – everybody only thought it made her appear ditzy.
“I know! We should make a list…” she began to cross out the title. “A list of what traits make people vampires!”
My face fell. “But… since they don’t exist, how do we define something like that?”
“Easy – we go on random things like skin colour, eye colour, personality traits. Be creative, you know? Imagine if we were bloodsucking vampires moving through high school with a tonne of unsuspecting teenage girls. What would we do?”
“Appear completely normal?”
“Exactly.”
“Wait – I have a list already.”
Kassie paused, opening her mouth but closed it quickly with an audible snap. “You have?”
“Yeah, just random things I thought about.”
“Go get it!”
My feet dragged on the carpet but my room welcomed me with cool arms. I cursed the weather as I shoved books and things aside off my desk, finally closing my fingers over the notepad. Kassie was still sitting where I’d left her when I did return. She grabbed it off me and quickly flipped past my various poems – embarrassing enough without her eyeing them off – to the page titled ‘Reasons’. She began to jot them down, murmuring a few aloud.
“Changing eye colour, quiet, never feels temperature, cold skin, pale skin, unusually fast… quite a list here Ellen!”
“I was bored.”
“Too right!” And with a sly smile she began to write down various men on her pad, grinning wider and wider before she wrote down Michael, shutting the pad and tossing mine back to me.
“Well done girl, this is about to become the most fun I’ve had in quite some time!”

Of course I hadn’t told her my writing was based around Jonah, but my guilt at what I’d inevitably begun ate away at me and continued long after Kassie departed Sunday morning.

--

Note: I will add in more of an ending, because the next chapter will make noooo sense if I don't, but right now I'm stumped...

Yeah, new chapter!

I could tell Kassie had begun familiarising herself with Michael again, but I could see it in her eyes that she was only doing it to appear ‘taken’.

American words again: “familiarizing”

His voice was softer than silk, smooth and even and far from the dangerous growl people had rumoured.

American word: “rumored”

His tone was light, his voice breaking off into a musical laugh, so I didn’t feel as frightened or embarrassed, as I should’ve been.

Why should she be frightened? Explain more here.

“Oh, okay, I guess.” I mumbled softly.

Comma instead of a period after “guess”

He fixed a bemused grin upon my face, tilting his head to the other side side.

Nix the repeated “side” at the end here.

“Nope. Is that a problem?” He drawled.

Lowercase “h” on “he” here.
Also, I’m not sure I favor the use of “drawled” here. Maybe find something else to describe his voice.

He moved so fast, yet never missed a beat, never stumbled, and managed to avoid the sun like a poisoned razor blade.

Instead of saying “like a poisoned razor blade” I would use “to avoid the sun as if it were a poisoned razor blade” just so the reader doesn’t get confused.

“I like you, possibly too much, but I don’t care.” He whispered hoarsely. “Nobody is ever this nice to me.”

Lowercase “h” on “he” and a comma instead of a period after care.
Also, I know you hate it when I bring up pace, but this happened way too quickly. I mean, they only knew each other a week, less than that and he is aiming to kiss her? I would slow down a bit there. Instead of having a full out kiss, maybe have him tease her and instead kiss her friendly on the cheek or something That might work better.

“You don’t have to.” He whispered with his lips on my ear. “Be stronger than this.”

Lowercase “h” on “he” and a comma instead of a period after “to” here

“Still, I refuse to trust you with my nails. Forget it Kass, I’m more than perfectly capable of doing it by myself!”

Comma before “Kass”

“Changing eye colour, quiet, never feels temperature, cold skin, pale skin, unusually fast… quite a list here Ellen!”

Comma after “here”

~ ~ ~ ~

Well, I liked this chapter, but as I mentioned above somewhere, it went way too fast for me. I actually liked when Ellen kneed him in the groin because I actually thought that she was going to run away and be afraid of him and have Jonah chase after her or something. But *sighs* that didn’t happen, however, I thought the kiss was beautifully done

My only suggestion would be to really concentrate on slowly things down and making them count and understandable.

Also, at the end when they are talking about making a list of vampires… why? I was super confused there. Make clear on what you mean.

Otherwise, your writing is always good. I look forward to more!

I think everything Ashley pointed out is what I would have too. There weren't many grammatical errors or typos, and I'm not very concerned with the British spelling; that can be easily changed. It's when you have non-American words in there--like "timestable" instead of "schedule". But you can't be expected to know that.

I think you kind of pushed the romance. The partner part was fine--they were friends, and we were just beginning to get a hold of Jonah's character. But everything beyond that is really rushed. People don't just meet someone and two or so days later say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I'm a vampire." They become friends, the friendship deepens, and then they realize they love each other. He has no reason to love her yet, and as for the passion--well, that comes way later. And he has no reason to trust her with his secret. I think maybe you should push his admitting his love to a later chapter, it was kind of awkward reading the part, "I want you to love me like I love you." Great line, but not in the right place. We don't even know Jonah yet. He's just arrived in chapter two, and having him declare love in chapter three is pushing it.

I hope I was helpful. Other than the above (massive ) paragraph, I don't think there was much wrong with it. I especially like Ellen's thoughts; she's really funny.

~Sunny

I'm gonna keep this short, one, because I don't like to nitpick, and two, because I... don't have a lot to say. xD

Now, the vampire romances in general? I hate 'em. But what people seem to have the most problem with when they're writing one is that they make vampires exactly like Edward Cullen, or Emmett, or Jasper. They just don't seem to want to make their own characters. At all. So, that's what has happened here, as far as I can tell. If you put Edward and Jonah in the same room and just had their dialogue back and forth, I would have no idea who was who. Try to make Jonah your character, instead of Stephenie Meyer's with a different name, yes?

I mean, maybe I'm wrong, maybe he's afraid of the sun because it burns him up, and not because it makes him shine like a diamond, and obviously, you haven't made it clear what kind of vampires your are (veggie -ugh- or real), but I just hope you won't make them just like Steph's. 'Twould be quite a story-ruiner, if y'ask me.

I, personally, found great pleasure in making my vampire (in Sourblood, which is on here, if you'd like t'read it) nothing like the Cullens or Volturi or those weird Alaskan dudes. Because, honestly, I think Steph destroys the very idea of vamps, just to fit her insecurities.

To get on to my main point, please don't make this a love-in-the-first-forty-eight-hours. Please. It makes the reader think much less of you, and rushes the whole story line. Personally, I'd enjoy spending a lot of time having Ellen and Jonah talking, so we could find out more about them, what they're like, how they think, before they start sucking face like that. -shudder-

Anyhow, good luck. I hope you enjoy writing this, whatever else. =D

-SELA

P.S. Would you call that review short? Eheh, maybe not. x_X

I do agree with the previous critiquer in that the love is happening too fast. (Note: to be redundant, the smell thing still confuses me.) In the first two chapters I had high hopes that the story would be completely unique from Twilight. As soon as Jonah opened his mouth, he reverted to an Edward character - that whole dialogue near the end is just what happens between Edward and Bella, except it's condensed into a five-minute conversation two days after they meet.

See what I mean? You're still a good writer, I still love your style, but... just BUT.

Also, changing eye color? Seems like there could be a more unique way. Why would your eye color change when you'd just drank blood? Your skin color or your vein color would be more likely to change. You could have his skin getting dark red and slowly fading to white, etc. *shrugs* just some ideas.

Okay... that's all I've got. I have to say that this story has excellent potential, but you need to nip any vestiges of Twilightness in the bud, right NOW.

Cheers!
~MademoiselleKool

Hey, Nick!

I just came back to look at this again, because I really like it. And I read the two comments underneath my first one, and I have to say this:

I'm not seeing Twilight out of this. Yeah, it's in Washington (at least, I think it is) and yeah, he has excellent command of the English language (I guess Jonah and Edward went to the same school ), but Ellen is definitely not Bella (for one thing, she doesn't bug the heck out of me ) so don't go thinking that this is a re-make of Twilight.

Just do what you think fits for this story. Yes, make them your own characters, but I already think they are. So don't worry about it. (Although, maybe change the "partner" part, seeing as Bell and Ed were "partners" in . . . whatever class that was.)

Forever faithful,

~Sunny

Thanks guys! And oh yeah, the perfection thing is 'under construction' because I changed him and forgot the follow up sentences... it was late!
But ahk now I have so much editing to do.

This is simply fantastic.

Hey again, Niccy! Here I am

ELLEN


I could tell Kassie had begun familiarising herself with Michael again, but I could see it in her eyes that she was only doing it to appear ‘taken’. Hm. Clear it up a little. I do understand this, but the phrasing is a little difficult. Her miserable "Miserable" might not be the best word for this. What about "cheeky" or something? plan was to make Armel jealous. Certain failure right there. But at least she was too distracted by Michael to bother me about Jonah that much.

Gregory switched to a free period instead of continuing with Webpage Design, leaving just lonely Nathan to entertain me, though he’d begun to act strangely detached after Monday. He rarely spoke to me, so I rarely spoke to him The repetition might be meant to be effective, but I still think you could say, for example "...so I didn't keep up the conversation, either" etc. – I didn’t even notice his absence on Friday. I must’ve looked like a virus, sitting by myself with two vacant chairs either side of me, the black computer screens as empty as I felt. Virus? A little exaggerated, methinks.

One week into do you mean "at"? school and I was a loner. So I’d lost the two bodyguards. I was amazed by how naked I felt, though I was wearing more layers today than usual, deciding to go on the white singlet to pull down over my skirt waist, an elbow-long sleeved white shirt to go beneath my tight black top. No part of me, except elbow down, was revealed, my legs concealed beneath long black yoga pants and red sneakers. A little redundant, all that info. And how come she's not wondering why she's suddenly a loner?

I was so toasty inside my concealed shell of clothescomma I didn’t feel him when he floated beside me. Only the noisy groaning of the computer disk whirling reluctantly back to life alerted me to his presence. His smell wasn’t so intense today – he must’ve noted the visible response from every female – but the atmosphere dropped one or two degrees immediately. I shivered before I could hold it back. His hand twitched and his body jerked slightly further away from me. An automatic response. My heart plummeted through the floor. Poor guy.

“Partner off and investigate Photoshop!” Miss Hale snapped without a greeting.

PMS, I guessed Damn, why can’t I have one nice teacher? Unitalicize "I guessed".

I turned my head to examine the task sheet, though none of it merged into coherent words. His even, rhythmic breathing so close to me distracted my mind so muchcomma I was merely looking without absorbing.

“Partner?” His voice was softer than silk, smooth and even and far from the dangerous growl people had rumoured. Others had said he was a monster who sucks our blood, and that’s why he’s impossibly handsome. Yeah, get real. Uh...? Get real, seriously. That's what I thought.

“Sure!” Just scream overenthusiastic! [s]T[/s]the voice in my head scolded Heh, so I baulked quickly before he noticed, though he was smiling at me now, a soft, comforting smile. “I meancomma yeah, sure, if you don’t mind a clumsy brain dead zombie.”

His answering grimace was threatening, his eyes narrowing. They were a deep crimson today, far from the thick black of his first lesson. Why is he so angry?

“You’re not brain dead.”

“I’m clumsy though.”

“Your friend is more dangerous than you are, I have observed.”

“Observed?”

“What? Can’t I watch the people who spread wild rumours about me, and spend every lunch time gossiping about me behind my back?” His tone was light, his voice breaking off into a musical laugh, so I didn’t feel as frightened or embarrassed, as I should’ve been. His finger clicked the mouse once and his screen leapt with one million colours. I jumped with surprise, my hand flying over my heart. He laughed harder.

“Oh, gosh, [s]wow[/s] I’m a twit.”

“Just human.”

“Huh?”

He stopped, sewing his lips together tightly, his eyes intense as he leant toward me. “Are you afraid of cats?”

“Rainbow ones, yes.” I pointed to the rainbow animal dancing across his screen. “Neat screensaver though.”

He leant back and smiled, his face creasing into a delighted grin. His blotchy skin folded into small wrinkles on the edges of his cheeks. I refused to look away, determined to burn this into my mind to think of in my dreams. Okay, major freak thought, I told myself, though I knew I’d be dreaming of him for a while.

“So work separatelycomma then combine later? It seems more logical than copying the rest of the class.”

“Oh, okay, I guess.” I mumbled softly.

“Is that alright with you?”

“Yeah, it’s great.”

After a pause he tilted his head to the side. “You’re mad.” Boy, is he ever weird.

I ignored him, continuing to streak colour onto the square until the colours began to merge into a hideous square of muck.

“I don’t think that’s what Miss Hale has in mind…” he began, stopping when I glanced up at him.

“I don’t care.”

“Why are you mad? I only suggested we work apart, we can work on my computer if you like.”

“No, I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.”

“Who said you would be?”

“Me.”

Show us who's speaking every now and then.

He fixed a bemused grin upon my face, tilting his head to the other side side. “You’re a strange girl.”

“I’m frustrated, and I’m just not having a good day! I was late for school and didn’t get enough sleep.”

My hand slid over closer to his, his blotchy skin unusually cool and smooth like marble beneath my own.

“You need your sleep,” he whispered softly. I noticed the expensive cufflinks on his sleeves.

Woah, he is weird, nobody wears cufflinks at seventeen! I thought until Miss Hale interrupted.

“Okay, now Monday we’ll be working on how to move images from one to another, swapping backgrounds and removing objects from one image into another. Bring headphones because there are two tutorials you have to watch.” Miss Hale strutted across the classroom to sink into her desk chair, dismissing us with a smile.

She watched Jonah move, always one step ahead of me, on the way out of the small classroom. The sun was bright and warm on my face, the grass spongy underfoot. I’d never felt happier to be in its bask before, sick of the dreadfully wet summer the small town had recently suffered through. I’d wished for sun all my life here. Of course it’d never been granted, until today, and it [s]shone[/s] was shining fiercely, unleashing its full force upon my welcoming body, though I felt beads of perspiration build beneath my layers. Damn.

“Where are you going?” I asked him as he lingered behind.

Jonah paused mid stride; somehow he’d managed to conceal his body in the thin shadow lining the front of the simple red-brick building. It was a feat nobody else had ever succeeded in, yet he looked effortless in the way he was pressed up against the wall, clutching his blue binder to his chest with clenched fingers.

“The long way.”

“Why?”

“Why not?”

“It’s sunny, the first time in months. Unless you haven’t realisedcomma it doesn’t shine much around here.”

“So? Maybe I prefer the shade.”

“Afraid of a bit of burn?” I teased.

“It’s more than that.”

“Really, is it because you’re light sensitive?”

He winced at the playful mockery, but nodded. “Something like that.”

“You’re kidding.” I put my hands on my hips, staring at him with amazement.

“Nope. Is that a problem?” [s]H[/s]he drawled.

“No, not for me. How about you? Mind a tag-along?

“I don’t mind, but you don’t have to.”

“I want to, it beats walking all the way across the campus alone. Is that a problem?”

“No, of course not. You’re welcome to follow mecomma if you so desire.”

“I do desire, and I will follow it. Lead the way.”

With a soft roll of his eyes he led me forward. For only five days attendance he knew his way around better than most of the seniors, navigating the narrow pathways with lithe ease. I watched him enviously, blushing furiously when I tripped over the large cracks in the pavement and he laughed. He moved so fast, yet never missed a beat, never stumbled, and managed to avoid the sun like a poisoned razor blade. I followed obediently, breathless after the fifth time I had to jog – it was that or be left behind – but he was waiting for me, again, leant casually against a wall I didn’t even recognise. She doesn't recognise a wall? That's a little funny, I dare say.

I liked this paragraph. You've certainly improved since last chapters!

“Are we going in circles?” I gasped, unable to take a long enough breath to fill my lungs.

“I’m not evil. Why does he say that? Our lockers are just over there,” he pointed across the grass to the door opening up to the senior’s block. A few younger kids were entering cautiously, then running back out and sprinting as fast as they could manage to the safety of their own block. All that stood between us and the door was a huge stretch of grass, bleached off-white by the sun further toward the darkened hallway.

“Letapostrophes go,” I urged with a step into the sun.

“I can’t.”

“Why not? It’s just a little bit of stupid sun!”

“I can’t.” His groan was purely agonized.

My body stiffened at his desperate, resigned tone. I spotted Kassie on her way to the cafeteria, clutching the arm of a Hispanic boy I didn’t recognise. Our eyes locked for the briefest of seconds; she turned away first, throwing her nose up and speeding her pace. She wore fluoro red Nike’s that blinded me, even between the vast distance dividing us. Jonah analysed us, staring at my face when I spun to meet his eyes. He was standing so close my skin began to prickle.

“Why do you do this?” Keeping him company or what? He lifted his hand to hold my shoulder. I shivered at the touch but couldn’t look from his dark eyes – now seductive.

“I don’t know… I just do things. I’m being nice.”

Jonah grinned so his face creased into a shockingly beautiful smile. There goes my heart again, I thought as he leaned in toward me. Nice touch. I gasped when he gently grasped my elbow, my breath catching in my throat – he frowned when I almost choked. Jonah was gazing down at me with a look I could only imagine as bemusement as he cupped my back with one hand, gently pressing me to his firm body.

“What… what are you doing?” I gasped. “If you want to thank me…”

“I like you, possibly too much, but I don’t care.” He whispered hoarsely. “Nobody is ever this nice to me.”

“You can’t thank me with words?” I gasped, Watch the constant repetition of "gasped"! though my heart halted when he leaned You've usually used the form "leant", so better keep on with it away from me. I knew he’d heard it and believed it over my words because then his face was inches from mine, a whisker of air between our lips. I didn't quite understand the first part of this sentence.

“Do you like me, Ellen?”

“Yes,” I gulped, unable to stop myself from grasping the lapels of his heavy black coat – more to stop myself from tilting backward than to bring him closer, though that’s what it did "it"?, and I gave a small squeak when his lips claimed mine in a demanding kiss.

Oh gosh! I thought. He’s… so…. Good! I don't find it necessary to out "I thought" – this is from her POV, after all.

I literally yanked him closer, unable to stop myself from letting the long dormant desire - now scrambling to life like a startled animal within me.no period - take control of my body.

He broke it without effort, though my fingers tightened and slid around his neck.

“Why do you like me?” Jonah asked as he peered deep into my glazed eyes.

He lowered his lips so they gently brushed against my forehead. Consider changing this to "He lowered his head so his lips gently brushed against my forehead". Though there is the repetition of "his", but oh well. My heart slammed against my chest at breakneck speed as he began to slowly slide them down my right cheek. His touch was like nothing I’d ever felt before - both gentle and kindcomma but held a possessive flare that unsettled my stomach, forcing it into hectic flips.

“I just… do.”

“You don’t have to.” He whispered with his lips on my ear. “Be stronger than this.”

“So you want me to hate you?”

I felt the tip of his tooth graze my jaw – oh shit – but then he was squeezing me tighter, as if he never wanted to release me. I knew he didn’t want me to hate him.

“No, I don’t want you to hate me. I want you to love me like I love you…” Woah, that was quick.

Wait… hold up! Love?

“You stir such a passion within me, such a fierce longing – emotions I have not felt this way in centuries.”

Centuries? I gave a small squeak of surprise. Some sick joke.

I willed myself to respond, to shove him back or at the very least gain a little distance between our bodies, if only my body wasn’t so bent against it.

“You… centuries? Love? Wait!” I managed to wriggle my knee between his thigh, forcing a sharp jerk upward until I met with his most sensitive flesh, biting back my own small scream of pain that would’ve been unmatched by anybody if he had not drowned me out. Couldn't she have just... slapped him or something? She's not been actually attacked, after all.

“You little…” he cursed, pushing me away to double over.

“Now you know not to go around kissing people!”

“I…” he straightenedcomma then had his arms around me again in a second flat. “I have been searching for you for over eight centuries, Ellen. I’m sorry for this, I really am.”

“Eight centuries? You have to be kidding me!”

“I only wish I was. And your smell… your taste… your heart… everything is luring me to you.” Jonah hung his head, ashamed, flinching when I touched his hand.

“And why should you like me? This stupid skin…”

“Why have you got it?”

“You really want to know?” He looked at me with incredulousness on his kind face. I shrugged and curled my fingers through his.

“Sorry I kneed you. I’ve never had a boyfriend before.”

“You? Never?”

“That hard to believe?” I gave a short laugh. “I did for last winter but it was just a seasonal affair.” That's a little contradicting, since she just said she's never had a boyfriend.

I glanced down to where our fingers were entangled. “You’re different, Jonah.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“Yeah, I think it is.”

“Then you obviously paid no attention to anything I said.”

“I do that often,” I chucked.

He grinned and pulled me into his arms once more; our kiss was short but we parted on better terms, his fingers giving mine a gentle squeeze before he nodded to where Kassie was waiting by the lockers, concealed within the shadow but visible with her sneakers.

“Don’t leave school, please?” I begged.

“Why would I do that?”

“This feels like a fairytale, like another high school romance where the prince kisses the ugly bride and then runs off with his beautiful princess. I don’t want you to run off from me, Jonah.”

“What will assure you?”

“Give me a cufflink.”

“One of these? Well, okay. But don’t lose it, or I might return the pain you inflicted upon me just then.”

“I believe you, I really do.” I closed my hand over the sterling silver cufflink he placed in my palm.

“Seems like Kassie is getting agitated, so you’d better go.”

“What about you?”

“I’m fine by myself.”


That night I busied myself contemplating everything I’d talked about with Jonah. We knew nothing about each other. I didn’t know anything about him except that he was tall, handsome, pale, fast, and hated the sun, preferring to walk in the shadows [s]than dance in the sun[/s]. He shared little about himself, frequently bringing up his brother in passing conversation though he never expanded, and I felt intrusive to ask. He was a good listener and read my expressions like a book, that much was blatant. I realised I had so many questions that unless I began a list I’d forget them, so I scribbled them all down, ending up with over twenty eight. I invited Kassie over for Saturday night ‘Girls Night In’, thankful when she brought mud masks in her overnight bag also overflowing with nail polish and moisturisers. Dad was out with Maria and Justin – her annoying eighteen year old son, my new step brother I think stepbrother is a one word – in Seattle for the night so we had the house to ourselves.

“C’mon, don’t be such a wuss! I might suck at mud mask application,” she struggled not to hide when I narrowed my eyes.

“No, you beyond suck at it! My face wasn’t even a face last time! I need to breathe, remember? So when you covered my nostrils… well, you’re never touching any form of mud to my face ever again. And I’ve seen your nails, so no way are you putting any nasty polish on mine until you get a degree in cosmetic application.”

“Oh, fine, be that way!” She got up and plunged her hands into the cosmetic bag, yanking out a nasty shade of green that only made my stomach clench with disgust. But I remained pensive as she applied it with gentle flicks of the brush. I rolled my eyes when she showed me her nails – in perfect condition.

“Still, I refuse to trust you with my nails. Forget itcomma Kass, I’m more than perfectly capable of doing it by myself!”

Kassie and I resigned to the plasma downstairs once our masks were washed off and nails bone dry, ready to collapse in tears over a romantic flick or laugh at Futurama or drool over Chad Michael Murray.

In the end we settled for Buffy The Vampire Slayer, followed by a documentary by a not-so-credible film company on vampires called ‘Are They Real?’ Kassie laughed at most of the things they said – their fangs hold venom deadly enough to kill ten humans, and they search out lonely virgins to make into their slaves.

“You know what?” Kassie abruptly leapt up off the couch to grab the pad of paper dad left on the kitchen bench, flicking the pen up and scribbling ‘Vampires In Raymond’ in her messy scrawl.

“We should make a list of people at school who [s]are[/s] could be vampires [s]at school[/s]?” Exclamation mark, rather, right?

“Why not?”

“According to what rules? And [s]who’s[/s] whose rules?” That doesn't make sense after what Ellen said.

Kassie flicked her long blonde hair over her shoulder, plastering on that ‘deep in thought’ pondering look that she thought made her look attractively smart – everybody only thought it made her appear ditzy.

“I know! We should make a list…” she began to cross out the title. “A list of what traits make people vampires!”

My face fell. “But… since they don’t exist, how do we define something like that?”

“Easy – we go on random things like skin colour, eye colour, personality traits. Be creative, you know? Imagine if we were bloodsucking vampires moving through high school with a tonne of unsuspecting teenage girls. What would we do?”

“Appear completely normal?”

“Exactly.”

“Wait – I have a list already.”

Kassie paused, opening her mouth but closed it quickly with an audible snap. “You have?”

“Yeah, just random things I thought about.”

“Go get it!”

My feet dragged on the carpet but my room welcomed me with cool arms. I cursed the weather as I shoved books and things aside off my desk, finally closing my fingers over the notepad. Kassie was still sitting where I’d left her when I [s]did return[/s] returned. She grabbed it off me and quickly flipped past my various poems – embarrassing enough without her eyeing them off – to the page titled ‘Reasons’. She began to jot them down, murmuring a few aloud.

“Changing eye colour, quiet, never feels temperature, cold skin, pale skin, unusually fast… quite a list herecomma Ellen!”

“I was bored.”

“Too right!” And with a sly smile she began to write down various men on her pad, grinning wider and wider before she wrote down Michael Wrote down Michael? What?, shutting the pad and tossing mine back to me.

“Well donecomma girl, this is about to become the most fun I’ve had in quite some time!”


Of course I hadn’t told her my writing was based around Jonah, but my guilt at what I’d inevitably begun ate away at me and continued long after Kassie departed Sunday morning.

This last conversation between Kassie and Ellen isn't believable. You had to somehow bring up the vampire subject between them, and the result is rather strange, and like I said, unbelievable. Would someone really talk like that? Also, I felt it a bit exaggerated that Kassie claimed it to be the most fun she's had. Well, maybe it's just me, but I couldn't help it.

[b]Overall:
I do think this chapter was better than the previous ones; I didn't have very much at all to point out, which is a good thing, seeing this chapter was also pretty long.
On characterization, you kept up with Kassie quite well. On Ellen, I think it wasn't as good as in the last chapter, but not bad, still. Jonah is an odd character. He seems rather contradicting at times, and I thought it was weird for him to fell in love so fast. He could easily have developed a crush on Ellen at this point, but falling in love is something much deeper. In fact, I don't think you can actually fall in love without knowing anything about the other person, it's just too hasty.

Good luck with your writing! Have a nice day


Demeter
xxx

I was amazed by how naked I felt, though I was wearing more layers today than usual, deciding to go on the white singlet to pull down over my skirt waist, an elbow-long sleeved white shirt to go beneath my tight black top.

I'd separate this into more than one sentence.

No part of me, except elbow down, was revealed, my legs concealed beneath long black yoga pants and red sneakers.

I was so toasty inside my concealed shell of clothes I didn’t feel him when he floated beside me.

Repetition here. Some words stand out when you use them repeatedly, and this just happens to be one of them, lol.

PMS, I guessed Damn, why can’t I have one nice teacher?

Period after "guessed". And the entire thing doesn't need to be italicized.

PMS, I guessed. Damn, why can't I have one nice teacher?

Just scream overenthusiastic! The voice in my head scolded,

You're modifying a verb here, so you need an adverb. However "overenthusisatically" is not a word. "Just scream overly enthusiastic!" might sound better. Or you can use "Just scream over-enthusiastically!" Whichever.

Also, lowercase "The". Remember ashleylee's comment in the first chapter about not capitalising those words

He lent back

Leaned? Not sure if that's an American/British thing again. If you're using the past tense of the verb "to lean," then it's "leaned." *googles really quickly* ... okay, if you're using American English, it's "leaned". British English is "leant" with an A.

“Is that alright with you?”

All right* That's not an Am/Br thing either; there's actually a difference between all right and alright. "All right" means totally perfect or fine. That's what you want in this case.

I literally yanked him closer, unable to stop myself from letting the long dormant desire - now scrambling to life like a startled animal within me. - take control of my body.

Random period before the final dash?

--------

Once again, great job, Niccy. I still see the entire Twilight thing here, though. Also, random make-out scene at school and then cutting straight to a "contemplating later that night" scene? Cliché, it seems, lol.

To comment on your introductory statements, I draw things out way too much as well. I have trouble getting right to the point sometimes

Kudos!