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silent Hill: Requiem- chapter 3



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Mon Dec 29, 2008 2:09 am
Maki-Chan says...



Chapter 3

“Beth. Beth!” Sera shouted.
I opened my eyes to see Sera over me. “Are you okay?” she asked.
I didn't answer. I only lifted my head and looked around. We were sitting in the car, which was parked outside of a small shop connected to other buildings. Each of which looked decade and old, I also notice the chipped sidewalk and road. I read the shop's sign, “Andy’s Guns”. I looked at Sera. “What happened?” I asked.
She gave a nervous look. “Well, umm." Sera cautiously chose her words. "You were screaming in your sleep, so I pulled over, and woke you up."
I stared at her. “What? Why was I screaming in my sleep?” To Sera, I sounded accusing; however I was really asking myself, though it came out in a yell.
She shrugged. "I guess you had a nightmare."
I gave a slight nod not really listening to her. "Where are we?"
She smiled. “We are officially in 'Silent Hill'"
She was giggling and I just sighed. Looking out the window I realized that the streets were completely empty, and that the car was completely surrounded by a ghostly mist. “Why is it so foggy?” I said.
“Well, this is a ghost town, and all ghost towns are foggy. It just means there are monsters out there.”
I gave her a confused look. Sera giggled. “I’m just pulling your leg. Its probably fog from Toluca lake.”
The moment she said that I wanted to say ‘grow a fucking brain, you dumb-ass’ but I didn’t. Instead I said nothing.
“Maybe we should find someone to talk with,” Sera suggested.
I nodded. ”Yeah, maybe there will be someone farther in town. Start the car.”
I saw an embarrassed look on Sera’s face. “Ummm…the car kinda won’t start.”
She placed her hand on the back of her head, and giggled cautiously. I gave her my world famous ‘I am going to kill you’ stare. Sera quickly opened the door and jumped out of the car. “S-Sitting around like this won’t help brings us close to finding Alex. Let’s go find someone!” she suggested.
I lifted my eyes from her and exited the car. Sera was already ahead of me. “Hurry up, slow poke!” she shouted.
“I’m coming.” I said in an annoyed voice.

We must have been walking for around ten minutes, and still saw no-one. “Where is everyone?” I murmured.
I made a step and then quickly dropped onto the ground. It seemed that my legs just couldn't hold me up. “Beth! What is it?” Sera asked.
I grunted in pain. “Ow… I’m not sure.”
My legs just began to sting with horrifying suffering. It was strange since only a moment ago I wasn't in pain. She lifted up my pant legs, and revealed my wounded flesh. “What happened?” Sera gasped.
My legs were nothing but bloody pulps. The sight of my gory legs made me tremble and feel nauseous. My skin was all torn up, as if someone had cut me up with barbed wire. It was so strange, out of no where my legs began to hurt. The visions of my dream came into mind. Of the monster in the kitchen, and me trying to get away; however I refused to think I got hurt from a dream. “S-Sera what did you do to me?”
The preppy girl stumbled backwards. “What! I didn’t do anything! You were just sleeping in my car and then you started to scream!”
“Then explain how my legs got all cut up!” I shouted.
The girl whimpered. “H-how could you think I would ever do a thing like this?”
She turned around and ran down the street. I watched her fade away into the mist. “Stupid girl,” I muttered in disgust.
Sera had foolishly ran away deeper into the city alone. In fact without thinking, she had left my wounded self all alone. I tried to heave myself up, however with the injuries I had received it was impossible. Instead of trying to get up again, I just lied my back down against the sidewalk. “Alex is the only one who ever understood me.”
Yelling at Sera made me remember a fight I had with my sister.

[i]“Shut up!” I yelled.
My older sister stood her ground, while I continued to shout at her. “Why do you always have to put your fucking nose in my business! Its like you’re trying to get me to yell at you!” I stopped to listen to her answer.
Alex closed her eyes and breathed, trying to reframe from making our fight worse. Then she reopened them, having a small smile on her face, and doing her best to be calm. “Because I worry about you.”
“So you say! All I see is a pathetic girl with no life of her own. Go bother your friends…Oh, I forgot you don’t have any!”
What I had said, it was just like pouring salt on all of her open wounds. Making her cry out with agonizing suffering. Alex stepped back, her eyes wide opened. She was clearly shocked. “ Beth, please don’t say things you don’t mean.”
I slapped her. “Are you going to cry? You disgusting pig.”
I spat the last words out. Alex placed her hand on her cheek. She looked away from me. I could sense her sadness. “If I am the one who’s supposed to cry, then why are you crying?”
I now realized that small cool drops were spilling out from my green eyes. Alex grabbed a tissue from her pocket and dried the tears from my face. I didn't say anything. “There’s nothing that can ever happen, that will make me hate you.” Her voice was soft and I believed everything she said.
We pulled into a hug. Alex held me gently, as if I was a fragile wilting flower, while I squeezed her tightly. “I’m sorry.” I sobbed.
More tears were gushing from my eyes, and my sister comfortingly answered. “It's okay.”

[/i]
I began to laugh. “I can’t even remember what the fight was about.”
Lie.
I was lying to myself again. The fight had been about me planning to do something bad. It was about me planning to…“Beth!”
I lifted my head up. It was Sera. She was carrying a box. “I came back with some sheets I found.”
She began to tear them up into strips and tied them around my legs. As she continued to work I began to feel somewhat guilty for the way I treated her. “I don’t think you did it. If you had I would have woken up while you were doing it.” I spoke more to myself than to Sera.
She didn’t look at me, but she did have a small smile on her face. “Can you stand?”
I tried to put weight onto my legs, but I began to wobble. Sera grabbed me before I could fall. “I am fine.” I motioned her to back away from me.
This time I was able to stand on my own. A moment passed, and I exhaled a breath. “Thank goodness!” Sera cheered.
She patted me hard on the back, making me whelp in pain. “OW! Sera,” I moaned.
“Oops,” She said with a frown, “I didn’t mean to.”
“Whatever,” I said.
A low-pitched growling noise surrounded us. “What was that?” Sera whispered.
“A dog.” I tried to stay calm; however my heart was already pounding loudly.
Dogs, I hated them so much. All they reminded me of was he, my monstrous stepfather. I remember once when he actually made one of his dogs attack me. “Beth, what should we do?” Sera whispered.
I realized now that she was trembling with fear, was she afraid of dogs too? I thought for a moment, of course anyone would be afraid of a dog that was going to eat them.
A quiet padding sound crept closer to us. The thick fog covered any visible traces of what lay ahead of us. However, the strange creature soon exited the thick blanket of the mist and its beastly form became as clear as day before us. Its body was covered in a thin layer of old decaying bandages, that hardly did anything; since its dark blood seeped through making its fur a rusty brown color. It had no eyes, only empty sockets with rotten flesh inside. Huge disgusting boils covered almost all of its festering face.
“Oh my god.” I whispered.
Whatever this thing was, it is now only a monstrosity of nature. The barbaric fiend encircled us, trying to find an opening for an attack. Sera stood between the dog and me, making sure it couldn’t get close. The mutated monster crept closer to us, and was now only a few feet away. I could now hear its struggled breathing. How was this thing able to stay alive? The deformed canine exposed its teeth and snarled louder. I felt Sera trembling. She quickly reached into her pocket and pulled out a small container of pepper spray. Aiming it at the beast’s eye sockets, she sprayed. The dog yelped as the liquid seeped into its wounds. As the dog shook its head from side to side, one of its boils popped opened, and green slime oozed out. Sera grabbed my arm and began to run. “Come one, we need to get to my car!” She yelled.
I ran along side her, while she still had a grip around my wrist. I could hear the sound of the dog chasing us; however now I noticed more footsteps. I was too focused on running to feel anything else, except for my pounding heart and Sera's sweaty hand. We finally reached the car, and the sounds of howling soon alerted us to the coming danger. Sera tried to start the car a few times, but with every try a disappointing rumble from the car was the only thing that happened. After she tried that, Sera opened the car’s glove box and took out a small handgun. I gave her a somewhat shocked look. “You know how to use a gun?”
She nodded. “My mom said that I should know, just in case.”
I began to feel thankful that she had a gun, especially when the sounds of distant howling seemed to come closer. Sera exited the car and stood besides me. “We need to get to somewhere safe.” I thought aloud.
We both looked around. “Hey! That door! It’s open,” Sera announced.
We walked over to it. The old gun shop was a brick building with a large window in the front. The door was broken, and most of the glass it was made of was shattered and scattered across the floor. Sera looked around. “They are coming. Hurry and get inside and hide.” She whispered to me.
She shoved me inside and walked out. “What are you doing?” I asked.
Sera didn’t look at me. “If we both go inside they’ll find us both. I’ll go and lead them away from you.”
Her voice was trembling, and her body was shaking. She was so terrified, so why was she trying to do something heroic?
“Don’t be stupid.” I wanted to say, but I stayed quiet.
A part of me wanted her to leave, to lead the monsters away, to get caught and to be eaten alive. However, another part of me didn’t want to be left alone. “Its ok, I promise. I’ll come back.” Once she finished that sentence she ran away into the mist.
I looked around in the shop and saw a counter, so I hid behind it. Listening, I could hear the sounds of the dogs running after Sera, and the loud roar of a gunshot.
Last edited by Maki-Chan on Thu Jan 08, 2009 4:53 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Wed Jan 07, 2009 3:03 am
Antigone Cadmus says...



As promised, Maki-chan!


“Beth…Beth!”


Please don't use elipses. They are amateurish. You could easily divide this into two sentences.

“Are you ok?” She asked.


De-capitalize she. After the end of a dialogue, the "_______ said" part is still part of the sentence. Therefore, only a proper noun should be capitalized.

Example:

"ZOMG a pie!" Bob screamed.

"ZOMG a kitty cat!" he screamed.

See?
"he" is still part of "ZOMG a kitty cat!".

I asked,


Typo here. Replace the comma with a period.

“Well, umm. You were screaming in your sleep, so… I pulled over, and woke you up.”


I don't really think "well, umm" is a sentence. You should also make Sera sound a bit more worried.
I would rewrite:

"Well, um," Sera fumbled over her words nervously. "You were screaming in your sleep so I pulled over and woke you up."

I gave a slight nod. “Oh, where are we?”


It seems like your MC should ask more questions. "I was screaming in my sleep? What did I say?" Not exactly like that, but she shouldn't just shrug it off.

She smiled. “We are officially in “Silent Hill”


Comma after the word "Hill."

“Well, this is a ghost town, and all ghost towns are foggy. It just means there are monsters out there.” I gave her a confused look.

"I gave her a confused look" should be in a new paragraph.

Instead I said nothing. “Maybe we should find someone to talk with.” Sera suggested.


When Sera talks start a new paragraph.

Sera quickly jumped out of the car. “S-Sitting around like this won’t help brings us close to finding Alex. Let’s go find someone!” She suggested.


De-capitalize the she. Also, I don't like the saying "jumped out of the car". Shouldn't she at least open the door first?

“Hurry up slow poke!” She shouted.


Comma after hurry up. De-capitalize she.

We must have been walking for hours and still saw no one.


They walk around aimlessly for hours? That's kind of funny, honestly. Describe the walk some and cut down the time.

I whispered.


Your character whispers a lot.
She could murmur, she could mumble... there are so many other words you could use!

I made a step and then quickly dropped onto the ground. “Beth! What is it?” Sera asked.
I grunted in pain. “Ow… I’m not sure.”
She lifted up my pant legs, and revealed my wounded flesh. “What happened?” Sera gasped.
My legs were nothing but bloody pulps. The sight of my gory legs made me tremble and feel nauseous. “S-Sera what did you do to me?”
The preppy girl stumbled backwards. “What! I didn’t do anything! You were just sleeping in my car and then you started to scream!”


Okay, so they walked around for hours and she didn't notice her leg?
This just seems really random.
Also: Whenever someone new talks, start a new paragraph.
Also: Describe her legs more. Bloody pulps? That's not nearly gory enough. ^_^ Is there pus? Is there bone showing? Use words like oozing, congealing. Simply lovely in horror ^_^

“ Beth please don’t say things that you don’t mean.”


Comma after Beth. Also, this whole "I had a fight with a loved one and now they might die! OH NOES!" Is kind of cliche.
Alex is also waaaay too calm.

“Its ok.”


Rewrite: "It's okay."

waked up


Waked isn't a word. Should be woken.

my monstrous stepfather


Must every character have an abusive father?

I realized now that she was trembling with fear, was she afraid of dogs too?


Uh, duh she's afraid of dogs that want to eat her!

It’s body was covered in a thin layer of old decaying bandages, that hardly did anything; since its dark blood seeped through making its fur a rusty brown color. It had no eyes, only empty sockets with rotten flesh inside. Huge disgusting boils covered almost all of its festering face.


Yes! Good horror words. Festering, seeping- all of those are great!

she had a gun,


Well, that's convieniant. I bit of a deus ex machina here, Maki-chan.

Overall Impression

This was pretty good. It got better as it progressed. It's a bit cliche.

One thing I really want to point out:

You need more description.

"I whispered."
"she said nervously"
Those are still lacking.

See the difference here:

John's Algebra homework was frustrating him.

compared to:

John hunched over his Algebra homework, furiously scribbling and then erasing. His eyebrows were contorted and he mumbled to himself angrily.

Which is more interesting?

Hope this helped,
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
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Wed Jan 07, 2009 4:07 am
Mars says...



Haruno Sakura wrote:John hunched over his Algebra homework, furiously scribbling and then erasing. His eyebrows were contorted and he mumbled to himself angrily.

Hahaha. That sounds just like me.
Anyhow, Sakura posted a nice line-by-line, so I'll just give you my overall thoughts on the chapter:
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


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Wed Jan 07, 2009 4:22 am
Maki-Chan says...



Thanks! I am glad you liked this ^_^ I will try my best to make this more original (For a fanfict) and describe things more. Thanks for reviewing this :D
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Wed Jan 07, 2009 4:41 am
Maki-Chan says...



Quote:
I made a step and then quickly dropped onto the ground. “Beth! What is it?” Sera asked.
I grunted in pain. “Ow… I’m not sure.”
She lifted up my pant legs, and revealed my wounded flesh. “What happened?” Sera gasped.
My legs were nothing but bloody pulps. The sight of my gory legs made me tremble and feel nauseous. “S-Sera what did you do to me?”
The preppy girl stumbled backwards. “What! I didn’t do anything! You were just sleeping in my car and then you started to scream!”


Okay, so they walked around for hours and she didn't notice her leg?
This just seems really random.
Also: Whenever someone new talks, start a new paragraph.
Also: Describe her legs more. Bloody pulps? That's not nearly gory enough. ^_^ Is there pus? Is there bone showing? Use words like oozing, congealing. Simply lovely in horror ^_^


THat part hmm.. Its not very random. In the previous chapter she had another dream where a monster attacked her. Her legs were attacked by barbed wire. So her dream came true! I hope that makes sense ^_^
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Wed Jan 07, 2009 10:18 am
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Ethan- says...



Hello again,

I have finished reading this chapter and...,

-The mysterious leg.
In the last chapter I know you mentioned that Beth was assaulted by the gory thing in the kitchen and she got her leg wrapped by a barbed wire. If you wanted to make the dream somehow came true and she really got hurt, then, she should at least felt faint throbbing on them when she woke up.

-Gored up leg.
Bloody pulp! She got her leg reduced to bloody pulp. That must've hurt Maki-Chan, how can she walk with a battered leg without feeling any pain?

-Exclaimed!
“S-Sitting around like this won’t help brings us close to finding Alex. Let’s go find someone!” she suggested.
I lifted my eyes from her and exited the car. Sera was already ahead of me. “Hurry up, slow poke!” she shouted.
“I’m coming!” I shouted back.

I don't really understand why both of them were shouting so much in this scene. What's with all the exclamation mark? Were they nervous? Mad at each other? I don't have a clue what was going on here.
Maybe it was understandable that Beth and Sera shouted because they were already far away (Though I doubt she could walk that fast) but why did Sera shouted when she suggested something to Beth?

-A dog for a father
It was kind of weird for me that by looking at the creepy and deformed dog reminded Beth of her father.

-The dog
Nauseating, really gross but I loved it. A very job well done on the dog's description.

-Handgun
Why did Sera leave the handgun in the glove box anyway? They arrived in a desolated town, covered by mists and with anything that might be lurking in the dark, scenting the midnight air and stared at both of the lovely girls with its pussy rimmed eyes and she decided to do exploring without a weapon?

-Heroic Sera
She was trembling before, correct? Why did she suddenly turned 180 and decided to deviate the dog from Beth? Couldn't she just shoot the dog? Just my thought though.

-Deus-Ex-Dogs
I thought you say there was only a dog? What did the pepper sprayed dog did? Did it died? Gave the girl chase?
I could hear the sounds of the dogs running after Sera, and the loud roar of a gunshot.

Where did the dogs come from?

Sorry if there are repetitions with the reviewers before me. Waiting for the next chapter :D

-Ethan.
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Wed Jan 07, 2009 5:33 pm
lucyy says...



Here is the promised review. But two advanced warnings for you: I can be pretty lazy, so I haven't read the reviews above me, so I apologise beforehand if I repeat anything already said. Second: I've never seen/heard/watched Silent Hill, so the only perspective I will be able to come from is the whole plot/story aspect rather than the fanfiction behind it, so I may ask stupid questions or whatever, so just ignore me if I do :D. I think that's all for now, so on with the review!! I really hope this helps you out...

Maki-Chan wrote:Chapter 3

“Beth. Beth!” Sera shouted.
I opened my eyes to see Sera over me. “Are you ok?” she asked.
I didn't answer. I only lifted my head and looked around. We were sitting in the car, which was parked outside of a shop. I read the sign, “Andy’s Guns” [I'm sure you can go further than that with the description and imagery of this place - so go ahead, show me more!! (: ]. I looked at Sera. “What happened?” I asked.
She gave a nervous look. “Well, umm." Sera cautiously chose her words. "You were screaming in your sleep, so I pulled over, and woke you up."
I stared at her. “What? Why was I screaming in my sleep?” [emotions - what does your MC feel about this?]
She shrugged. "I guess you had a nightmare."
Nodding, I gave a slight nod you can't say both of those together - it's too repetitive. So, either choose Nodding or I gave a slight nod, but not both (: ]not really listening to her. "Where are we?"
She smiled. “We are officially in 'Silent Hill'[full stop]"
She was giggling and I just sighed. Looking out the window I realized that the streets were completely empty. “Why is it so foggy?” [Why is this the first time I know that it is foggy? Show me before you state it! Surely your MC needs to notice that it's foggy before asking why it is, right?] I whispered.
“Well, this is a ghost town, and all ghost towns are foggy. It just means there are monsters out there.”
I gave her a confused look. Sera giggled. “I’m just pulling your leg. It's probably fog from Toluca lake.”
The moment she said that I wanted to say ‘grow a fucking brain, you dumb-ass’ but I didn’t. Instead I said nothing.
“Maybe we should find someone to talk with.[replace with comma]” Sera suggested.
I nodded. ”Yeah, maybe there will be someone farther in town. Start the car.”
I saw an embarrassed look on Sera’s face. “Ummm…the car kinda won’t start.”
She placed her hand on the back of her head, and giggled cautiously. I gave her my world famous ‘I am going to kill you’ stare. Sera quickly opened the door and jumped out of the car. “S-sitting around like this won’t help brings us close to finding Alex. Let’s go find someone!” she suggested.
I lifted my eyes from her and exited the car. Sera was already ahead of me. “Hurry up, slow poke!” she shouted.
“I’m coming!” I shouted back.

We must have been walking for around ten minutes, and still saw no-one. “Where is everyone?” I murmured.
I made a step and then quickly dropped onto the ground[again, this is a little vague. I know it's meant to be mysterious but this is in first person so what causes her to fall to the ground? What does she feel - just expand on this a little so it's not annoyingly vague]. “Beth! What is it?” Sera asked.
I grunted in pain. “Ow… I’m not sure.”
She lifted up my pant legs, and revealed my wounded flesh. “What happened?” Sera gasped.
My legs were nothing but bloody pulps. The sight of my gory legs made me tremble and feel nauseous. My skin was all torn up, as if someone had cut me up with barbed wire.[Surely your MC can feel some sort of pain, or if she can't and it's numb that's fine, just let us know!! (: ] The visions of my dream came into mind. Of the monster in the kitchen, and me trying to get away; however I refused to think I got hurt from a dream. “S-Sera what did you do to me?”
The preppy girl stumbled backwards. “What! I didn’t do anything! You were just sleeping in my car and then you started to scream!”
“Then explain how my legs got all cut up!” I shouted.
The girl whimpered. “H-how could you think I would ever do a thing like this?”
She turned around and ran down the street. I watched her fade away into the mist. “Stupid girl.[replace with comma]” I muttered.
Sera had foolishly ran away deeper into the city alone. In fact without thinking, she had left my wounded self all alone. I tried to heave myself up, however with the injuries I had obtained [this sounds very formal, I would try and replace the word 'obtained' and make it more personal to your MC] it was impossible. Instead of trying to get up again, I just [s]lied[/s][that's decribing the kind of lying when you say untruthful things] lay down against the sidewalk. “Alex is the only one who ever understood me.”
I remembered a fight we once had. [This seems very random - what had triggered this memory...?]

[i]“Shut up!” I yelled.
My older sister stood her ground, while I continued to shout at her. “Why do you always have to put your fucking nose in my business! It's like you’re trying to get me to yell at you!” I stopped to listen to her answer [to add in a description of Alex, although not a major, specific one, just to make this scene more personal to your MC - facial expressions and hair colour will be sufficient here, whilst slipping in the occasional facial description, but make sure not to make it too detailed so it will stick out. I'll show you what I mean:[i]I watched her tense figure; her icy blue eyes trying to stare me down, but I would not even flinch. Blowing her jet black fringe from her face, she narrowed her almond shaped eyes and said.... Now that was pretty bad and I know you can do a lot better than that, but can you see what I mean?]
.
Alex closed her eyes and sighed. Then she reopened them, having a small smile on her face. “Because I worry about you.” [I have deleted this paragraph>>]Her voice was calm.
[I have put this as a NP >>]“So you say! All I see is a pathetic girl with no life of her own. Go bother your friends…Oh, I forgot you don’t have any!”
What I had said, it was just like pouring salt on all of her open wounds, making her cry out with agonizing suffering. However, Alex didn’t falter. “ Beth, please don’t say things that you don’t mean.”
I slapped her. “Are you going to cry? You disgusting pig.” [I have deleted this paragraph>>]I spat the last words out.
[NP>>]Alex placed her hand on her cheek. “If I am the one who’s supposed to cry, then why are you crying?”
I now realized that small cool drops were spilling out from my green eyes. Alex grabbed a tissue from her pocket and dried the tears from my face. I didn't say anything. “There’s nothing that can ever happen, that will make me hate you.” Her voice was soft and I believed everything she said.
We pulled into a hug. Alex held me gently, as if I was a fragile wilting flower, while I squeezed her tightly. “I-I’m [you do the stuttering I-I alot, which makes it stick out to me alot. So, try to refrain from using that too much, otherwise it does stick out. I would go through this and amend some of the stuttering speech, so it doesn't stand out as much?]sorry.” I sobbed.
More tears were gushing from my eyes, and my sister comfortingly answered. “It's okay.”[/i]
[/i]
I began to laugh. “I can’t even remember what the fight was about.”
Lie.
I was lying to myself again. The fight had been about me planning to do something bad. It was about me planning to…“Beth!”
I lifted my head up. It was Sera. She was carrying a box. “I came back with some sheets I found.”
She began to tear them up into strips and tied them around my legs. As she continued to work I began to feel somewhat guilty for the way I treated her. “I-I don’t think you did it. If you had I would have woken up while you were doing it.” I spoke more to myself than to Sera.
She didn’t look at me, but she did have a small smile on her face. “Can you stand?”
I tried to put weight onto my legs, but I began to wobble. Sera grabbed me before I could fall. “I am fine.” I motioned her to back away from me.
This time I was able to stand on my own. A moment passed, and I exhaled a breath. “Thank goodness!” Sera cheered.
She patted me hard on the back, making me whelp in pain. “OW! Sera.[replace with comma]” I moaned.
“Oops.[replace eith comma]she said with a frown, “I-I didn’t mean to.”
“Whatever.replace with comma]” I said.
A low-pitched growling noise surrounded us. “What was that?” Sera whispered.
“A dog.” I tried to stay calm; however my heart was already pounding loudly.
Dogs, I hated them so much. All they reminded me of was [s]he,[/s] my monstrous stepfather. I remember once when he actually made one of his dogs attack me. “Beth, what should we do?” Sera whispered.
I realized now that she was trembling with fear, was she afraid of dogs too? I thought for a moment, of course anyone would be afraid of a dog that was going to eat them.
A quiet padding sound crept closer to us. The thick fog covered any visible traces of what [s]lied[/s][again, that's the untruthful kind] lay[/b] ahead of us. However, the strange creature soon exited the thick blanket of the mist and its beastly form became [s]as clear as day [/s]before us. Its body was covered in a thin layer of old decaying bandages, that hardly did anything; since its dark blood seeped through making its fur a rusty brown color. It had no eyes, only empty sockets with rotten flesh inside. Huge disgusting boils covered almost all of its festering face. [Amazing imagery and descriptions here - great job! (: ]
“Oh my god.” I whispered.
.


I have to stop here, but I promise to be back soon for the rest of the review, but I hope that's enough for you to go on for now (:
--Lucyy xx
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Wed Jan 07, 2009 9:02 pm
lucyy says...



Here is the second review; I was back quicker than I expected :D

Maki-Chan wrote:“Oh my god.” I whispered.
Whatever this thing was, it is now only a monstrosity of nature. The barbaric fiend encircled us, trying to find an opening for an attack. Sera stood between the dog and me, making sure it couldn’t get close. The mutated monster crept closer to us, and was now only a few feet away. I could now hear its struggled breathing. [Amazing imagery - I can picture this scene exactly] How was this thing able to stay alive?
[NP>>]The deformed canine exposed its teeth and snarled louder. I felt Sera trembling, and then she attacked [I would rethink this bit, because as soon as you said that, I imagined her literally attacking the dog, but I then go on to read the next sentence and she hasn't yet moved. I would either reword this last bit or move it to the bit where she actually does attack the dog - however she does it, which I must read on and find out... (: ]. She quickly reached into her pocket and pulled out a small container of pepper spray. Aiming it at the beast’s eye sockets, she sprayed. The dog yelped as the liquid seeped into its wounds. As it shook its head from side to side, one of its [I know it's difficult not to, but you use it/s a lot in this sentence. Look back at it and try and replace one or two of them with simply the dog or something else - maybe your MC's personal nickname for it...?] boils popped opened, and[s] a [/s]green slime oozed out. Sera grabbed my arm and began to run. “Come one, we need to get to my car!” she yelled.
I ran along side her, while she still had a grip around my wrist [what is your MC feeling, thoughts running through her head...? She seems a pretty brain dead character at the moment which we don't want!! Make her reactions/thoughts more frantic to match the scene - have her pulse racing, her head spinning, her breaths coming quick...]. We finally reached the car, however the sounds of howling soon alerted us to the coming danger. Sera tried to start the car a few times, but with every try a disappointing rumble from the car was the only thing that happened. After she tried that, Sera opened the car’s glove box and took out a small handgun. I stared at her [You used this as a reaction previously in this chapter (near the start, I think), and even then this reaction didn't work for me, it just isn't enough - it's too simple, and again, brain-dead!! I want to know her thoughts, emotions, movements... You get the drill now :wink: ]. “You know how to use a gun?”
She nodded. “My mom said that I should know, just in case.”
I began to feel thankful that she had a gun, especially when the sounds of distant howling became near by growling. [this is a tad awkward sounding, so try rephrase it?] Sera exited the car and stood beside[s]s[/s] me. “We need to get to somewhere safe.[replace with comma]” I thought aloud.
We both looked around. “Hey! That door! It’s open[s]ed[/s].[replace with comma]” Sera announced.
We walked over to it. “Andy’s Guns.” I read the sign [I want to know more about this place than what the sign outside it says. This place is surely going to protect them, so you need to paint a positive image of this place - and also this place was mentioned right at the start, but I wouldn't know that from your MC's reaction to it: she needs to show some recognition - it makes everything much more 3D, including your character].
The door was broken, [s]since[/s] and most of the glass it was made of was shattered and scattered across the floor [Brilliant! Painting an image - great job]. Sera looked around. “They’re [Who? I thought it was only the dog that was chasing them...]coming. Hurry and get inside and hide.[replace with comma]” She whispered to me.
She shoved me inside and walked out. “What are you doing?” I asked.
Sera didn’t look at me. “If we both go inside they’ll find us both. I’ll go and lead them away from you.”
“Don’t be stupid.[replace with comma]” I wanted to say, but I stayed quiet.
A[gap]part of me wanted her to leave, to lead the monsters away, to get caught and to be eaten alive. However, another part of me didn’t want to be left alone. “It's ok, I promise. I’ll come back.” Once she finished that sentence she ran away into the mist.
I looked around in the shop and saw a counter, so I hid behind it. Listening, I could hear the sounds of the dogs running after Sera, and the loud roar of a gunshot.[Great way to end it (: ]


Overall Thoughts

It's vs Its
I noticed this a lot whilst I was reading your work, so I thought I'd give you a little grammar lesson (don't get too excited now =P ).
It's = It is
Its = Its
So, let's take this sentence (from your chapter): It's body was covered and then take out the apostrophe, to make it: It is body was covering. Doesn't make sense does it, so let's take a sentence in which the apostrophe is used correctly: Look, it's moving and then take out the apostrophe Look, it is moving. It makes sense, doesn't it?
So, when using its as possessive, don't put an apostrophe in, as the sentence won't make sense. The only time you put the apostrophe in is when you want to shorten it is to it's.
Does that make sense?


Creating Images
This is the main aspect which you lacked. I have pointed out the cases where I think you should add in more detail and description to create a better image, and I also gave you a few pointers to help you out. Another bit of advice I can give you is to close your eyes, play out the scene in your mind like a film and then write down what you can see, hear, taste and touch.
For example, if you imagine the beach, the things you can see: sand, sea, people, children, birds, parasols, beach towels. The things you can hear: birds tweeting; children screaming and laughing; chatter muffled by the rush of waves as they crash against the sand. The things you can feel: the cool, oily suntan lotion smoothing over your hot, sweaty skin; grains of sand scratching your feet; the crisp feel of a novels' pages. You can taste: gagging against the salty taste of the sea filling your disgusted mouth; the cool liquid of the lemonade quenching your dried-out mouth... And so on.

MC
Now, in parts of this your MC was very much alive and kicking, but in others your MC was brain-dead. And by brain-dead, I don't mean stupid, I mean in the fact that no emotions/thoughts are running through her head (from what I could see). I mean, realistically, if that dog (which was described amazingly, by the way) was looking at you/chasing after you, a lot of thoughts and emotions would have been running through your head right? Even if you were numb with shock, you still need to show us that, as all I'm getting is blank. So, close your eyes, place yourself in your MC's position: would your heartbeats be frantic, your brain jumbled, the classic 'life flashing before your eyes'? You tell me!! But it's going to be a lot more than nothing, right? So, go through this and keep on placing yourself in your MC's shoes, describe her thoughts/emotions/movements, and BAM you'll instantly have a 3D character that's popping out of the computer screen telling me the story herself, and it will make the scene much more alive, and this already captivating chapter will have your readers glued to their seats, their eyes on the screen, their pulses racing alongside your MC's ... can you see the massive effect just a little emotion can do? Trust me, and it'll do wonders for this chapter.

I really hope this review helped you out, and I'm sorry if I was harsh at all, I promise I do it with the best intentions :D. Well, all that is left for me to say now is good luck on what is a very promising piece of work, I can guarantee you that with a little more work it will capture a lot of people's attentions. If you have any questions at all, do not hesitate to PM me, or if you need another review just click the link in my signature!!

So, good luck with this piece, and definitely keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx
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Thu Jan 08, 2009 5:58 pm
Firestarter says...



As requested!

We were sitting in the car, which was parked outside of a small shop connected to other buildings. Each of which looked decade and old, I also notice the chipped sidewalk and road.


Better written as:

"We were sitting in the car, parked outside of a small shop connected to other buildings, all looking decade's old. I also notice the chipped sidewalk and road."

She smiled. “We are officially in 'Silent Hill'"


Should be:

She smiled. "We are officially in Silent Hill."

The moment she said that I wanted to say ‘grow a fucking brain, you dumb-ass’ but I didn’t.


Seems a little out of place. Why does the narrator get so irritated? Wasn't the narrator the one who didn't know where the fog was coming from?

The fight between the sisters and the flashback is odd. They are almost in a violent fight and then one second later they're embracing. It's hard to see the significance of this flashback, either.

On your writing: you use the word 'however' far too much. Try and eliminate having to use it so much. The descriptions are generally bland and I think you could spruce the story up with some better imagery. You use 'I' too much -- it's a common problem for stories written in first-person. The best way to avoid is to think of ways to re-arrange your sentences so that 'I' isn't necessary. Otherwise, the constant repetition of 'I' makes your story uninteresting to read.

On the story itself: if it's foggy, how does he see the shop and the buildings? The fog is barely mentioned again. You should probably include it in the story if you mention it in dialogue. It barely seems to feature. The end was the best bit -- exciting, and tense. I found it slightly unbelievable however that they would have a handgun (they sound young to me) and also that Sera would have pepper spray as well. It seems too easy -- they are getting attacked, and all these weapons come out of nowhere. To make it seem a little less like this, maybe mention the items earlier on.

On the characters: The narrator is boring. I'm sorry, but the pull of first-person stories is the narrator's voice. I actually don't really like the narrator at all. At two times in the story she seems unnecessarily angry, and then violent. She seems to blame Sera for everything, but at the end seems like a coward in the situation. It's okay for me not to like the narrator, but at least make her say some interesting things. You're writing a first-person story but I feel like I don't get in the narrator's head at all. Sera herself seems okay, I'd judge her on other chapters.

Suggestions: Convert it to third-person. The first-person doesn't work for the story. Increase your imagery.

Good luck!
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Thu Jan 08, 2009 6:28 pm
Night Mistress says...



Here as promised.

I read the another reviews and they seems to catch everything that i found wrong with it.

It seems pretty good, even thought i am not a fan of slient hell. I think i would like it better if it have romance it in. It did attract to me though. my heart was racing until the end, waiting for what would happen next.

well, it seems pretty good and i might even read the next chapter.

good luck with your writing.
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Thu Jan 08, 2009 11:53 pm
Maki-Chan says...



On your writing: you use the word 'however' far too much. Try and eliminate having to use it so much. The descriptions are generally bland and I think you could spruce the story up with some better imagery. You use 'I' too much -- it's a common problem for stories written in first-person. The best way to avoid is to think of ways to re-arrange your sentences so that 'I' isn't necessary. Otherwise, the constant repetition of 'I' makes your story uninteresting to read.


Oops :oops: I didn't notice that. I will use 'however' less. About the 'I', I have been trying hard to not use it very much. v_v


I will try hard on my next chapter which involves dogs, a dead body, and a man with no face.
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Fri Jan 09, 2009 11:23 pm
Rascalover says...



I would love to see more emotion and nasty description!!!
For example while they first meet the hideous beast Beth should feel more emotions as scared nervous frightened stiff. There should be physical signs of how emotional each character is.
I like this story actually and would love to read other chapters!
Sorry its so short but I really don't have much time now.

Tiff:)
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Sat Jan 10, 2009 3:08 pm
Jon says...



Here as promised! Its Jon by the way!
Nit-Picks

I saw an embarrassed look on Sera’s face. “Ummm…the car kinda won’t start.”

Why would she be embarressed? Tell me.



My legs just began to sting with horrifying suffering.

Horrifying suffering?! No! In agony


I slapped her. “Are you going to cry? You disgusting pig.”

These are really harsh words, I suggest you tone it down. If you want to keep them though the put a ! behind pig.

I began to laugh. “I can’t even remember what the fight was about.”

Lie.

Then Don't say it. Why would you put this little bitin if you are just going to say it was a lie? This sounds bad here. My advise would be to get rid of it.

She patted me hard on the back, making me whelp in pain. “OW! Sera,” I moaned.

Turn 'OW' into "Ow, Sera!" Don't use all caps, It doesn't look good.

Sera exited the car and stood besides me.

Beside me.

We walked over to it. The old gun shop was a brick building with a large window in the front.

They walked?! a creepy dog was after them! I would have ran!


Okay, I enjoyed this and I would read more. However this is a Fanfic. This would be a good Idea for a plot but I keep thinking to myself, Its not your idea. Although i did like the writing! Just some bumps in the flow. Polish it.


I never get why people put so much time into a fanfic, enjoyment?


I've never heard of Silent Hill so I can't judge this from what I've seen on T.V. It was OKay though.


Hope I've helped.


---Jon---
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Sun Jan 11, 2009 3:34 pm
Lord Anzius says...



Hi It's me, I'm a bit late. Sorry Maki-cha~~n

.
“I’m just pulling your leg. Its probably fog from Toluca lake.”

It's not its.

The moment she said that I wanted to say ‘grow a fucking brain, you dumb-ass’ but I didn’t. Instead I said nothing.


Why not: "The moment she said it I had the urge to say ‘grow a fucking brain, you dumb-ass’ but I didn’t. Instead I said nothing."

I tried to heave myself up, [ ; not ,] however with the injuries I had received it was impossible.


My older sister stood her ground, while I continued to shout at her. “Why do you always have to put your fucking nose in my business! [? not !]


. Its body was covered in a thin layer of old decaying bandages, that ["Which" not "that"] hardly did anything; since its dark blood seeped through making its fur a rusty brown color. It had no eyes, only empty sockets with rotten flesh inside. Huge disgusting boils covered almost all of its festering face.


Okay, so your character development is good, you both tell and show us what the characters are like.
In the dialogue you sometimes forgot to put a "," and instead put a "."

The description is very good, as you describe things well, there isn't much things wrong in this work. So I must congratulate you,

Here take a pancake.

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Thu Mar 26, 2009 8:53 am
miyaviloves says...



I'm here as promised aggges ago (I'm sorry forgive me please????)

I read through the piece and read some of the other critiques and I'm afraid to say that most have been covered! If you PM me or write on the kitchen table post again something else to be reviewd I can do a much better critique as I have been away so long people have beaten me to it :(

Just a note on Silent Hill - make sure that you capture the fear like the games do, you need that suspense, are you going to incorporate anything from the games in this? (Like Dahlia or Pyramid Head?)

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