Influence Chapter 1

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I'm particulary looking for weaknesses in description and moving around action type stuff. Just basically need help, I'm bad at starting stories off; want to get the good bit-well this should be part of the good bit with your help :oops: :D




Asha adjusted her hoop earring that was caught in her hair. One final check in the mirror: Lips still shiny, mascara not smudged and nothing in her teeth. Good to go. She opened the door and sauntered out, certain that someone would be looking for her. It was her party after all. A girl with big wide eyes and messy brown hair came up to her.
“Asha, Oh my God, this party is the best party I’ve ever been too. It’s crazy!”
Asha just smiled. The girl quickly rushed back to the dance floor and began dancing hyperactively. Asha was going to go join her, when she felt a warm hand on the back of her neck. She didn’t turn her head. The warmth left her and she saw the handsome face of Red move into her line of sight.
“Nice little rave you’ve got going here, Ash.” he said, eyes twinkling.
“It’s not a rave. Just a little social gathering; a few of my closest friends.”
Red’s eyes roamed the room, lingering on the girls jumping in a mosh pit. Asha snorted.
“You know none of them hold a candle to you, Don’t you?”
“Not yet, the effigy burning is happening after the goat sacrifice, later on.”
“Oh, come on, it’s wild, but not that wild.” Red scoffed.
Asha looked around, seeing the frenzied dancing and talking and kissing that was going on. Someone had ripped up her carpet, the sofa had been broken and bottles lay everywhere, bleeding alcohol. The air smelt like sweat, smoke and excitement. Her pulse increased and her eyes widened. She grabbed Red.
“Let’s go dance.”

Still grasping his hand, she dragged him to the dance floor. Right near the speakers, her lungs shaking with every beat. She threw her body around to the music, not caring what she looked like and who she was touching. Red grabbed her waist, pulling her closer. But she wasn’t in the mood to be chained down right now. She pushed his hands away as gently as she could, sweat running down her wrists. She jumped in the air, pumping her fist as the song drew to its climax. The song ended and she was immediately disenchanted. She hated the next song. Grabbing Red by the wrist again, she left the dance floor, noticing others do so too. That song was so bad it cleared the floor, she thought. Obviously Red hadn’t noticed the song. He returned his hand to her neck and brought his mouth to hers, his lips hot and furious. She kissed him back, but her heart wasn’t in it. As his hands began to roam, she pulled away. He looked at her questioningly.
“I don’t really feel like it right now.” She said apologetically.
“You are the weirdest chick I know. I’m going to get a drink.”
Asha sighed as Red walked away from her, with an obviously bruised ego. She had always been more fascinated by the possibilities of being with Red, not the realities.

“I hate these amateur parties, don’t you?” a cool voice said from behind her. Asha turned to see a tall well dressed woman sitting on her couch, a glass of cola mixed with something in her hand. Her brunette hair was pulled back into a high ponytail and her small mouth curved into a smirk.
“Actually I find them rather charming, depending on the guests invited.” replied Asha, with an acidic smile.
“Come sit and tell me the who’s who of these socialite guests, then.”
Asha sat down as gracefully as she could, hoping she didn’t smell too much of sweat.
“Well, that girl with the pink dress and the rather unfortunate nose-that’s Lucinda Hamilton, the heiress. The guy she’s dancing with is Hal Pitmar, the achingly hip fashion designer and-
“Oh, I’m not really interested in knowing every C-lister in the place. I’m just rather surprised you could get them all to come to such a modest dwelling.” the stranger said snootily. “I’m Leslie, by the way. I work at a very exclusive club downtown. I’m here because I’m rather interested in the little shindigs you’ve been throwing.”
“Taken your clientele, have I? I’m dreadfully sorry. Won’t happen again.”
“Yes it will. You have a natural charm and influence which draws people to you. Look at this pathetic excuse for a party. A little cheap booze and an overpriced DJ these people are going wild for it. Having a better time than they’ve had in years. I know why, too, even if you don’t.”
Asha bristled.
“If this is some drug thing, I swear... You’re being very rude. You can leave now!”
“I’m afraid I’m not going to leave. I’m going to go outside and you are going to join me for a little chat.”
“Why would I do that?”
“You’re curious about what I have to say, or at least you should be.” Leslie got off the couch and walked out without a second glance at her new acquaintance.
Asha sat uncertainly on the couch. Her hands clenched the fabric of her skirt. With a moment’s hesitation, she got up and followed the woman outside.

The night air was cool and calm. Asha could hear the bass sounds of the music inside, but apart from that it was quiet. The woman sat on the bench in the garden, surrounded by Asha’s sad little flowerpots. Her eyes glittered in the streetlamp’s light. Asha walked over to her, her heels clinking along the garden path.
“So, what did you really come to this party for then?” Asha’s voice sounded too loud after talking over the music.
“I’m Leslie Moyer and I have a proposition for you. I’d like to offer you a job. We’ve come to notice your specific talents and think you’d be perfect for it.”
“We?”
“Well, me, my employer and the rest of our team. I hope this doesn’t creep you out, but we’ve been watching you closely and think you have what it takes to join us.”
“Why am I so special? What special talents do I have that would make me good at working at a nightclub?”
“Not just a regular old nightclub. We make the big bucks and it’s not because we deal drugs or anything so mundane. Would you call yourself a sceptic, Asha?”
She started.
“I’m not sure what you mean...sceptic about what?”
“Well, you know, the possibilities of the mind. Psychics, telepathy, hypnotism, collective consciousness...”
“I’ve not really thought about it. What exactly is the job you are offering me?” Asha was being to get frustrated.
“A promoter. Not just for the club, that hardly needs promoting, obviously. But behind that we are a sort of public relations agency. We control what the public thinks of our celebrity clients or of the newest product. Our fees are astronomical, but we’ve got a special advantage. We’re psychic.”
“Oh really? Guess what I’m thinking now. You’re nuts.”
“I can’t read your thoughts. It’s not like that. We’re...manipulators. Have you ever noticed that when you start thinking about something that you haven’t thought about in ages, you see it everywhere? It’s not just that you are more aware of it. Everyone’s feeling the same way. That’s us. The classics are mainly classics because people like us keep putting them out there because we think they are the best. Why else would anyone read Dickens?”
“His characterisation?”
“Hardly. Asha, you can influence people. People always give you whatever you want and you don’t even notice. The girls at school that wore the same clothes as you- it wasn’t your fantastic fashion sense. Bonds singlets are hardly couture.”
“But I’m not...I mean, this is crazy. It’s crazy! I’m just popular, people like me. It’s not some kind of super power.”
“I’m giving you the opportunity to find out exactly what it is. When we aren’t making our fortune, we’re doing research. With our help, you could develop to one the strongest we’ve ever seen. Plus, you can make a lot of money. You can get out of this crappy neighbourhood, stop wearing cheap jewellery, you can finally be someone! You can take this opportunity and change your life. Don’t tell me that’s not what you want.”
Leslie opened her Chanel clutch and pulled out a business card. She handed it to Asha.
“Call me when you decide, or better yet drop into the club.”
Leslie got up and walked down the path and onto the street. Asha watched her until she was out of sight. She hadn’t even realised she was holding her breath until she took a big gulp of air from the still night. Her head pounded. She was sick of the music and the party and wanted everyone to leave. It suddenly seemed so unimportant as she clutched Leslie’s card in her hand.
When you look at your life, in a strange new room, maybe drowning soon, is this the start of it all?




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Hey, Ducati!


“Asha, Oh my God, this party is the best party I’ve ever been too. It’s crazy!”


A few grammar issues here.

1. Don't capitalize "oh".
2. Incorrect form of "too." Should be "to".

“You know none of them hold a candle to you, Don’t you?”



I've never heard of that little adage. Maybe it's just me.

She said apologetically.


De-capitalize "she".

Would you call yourself a sceptic


Sceptic should be spelled 'skeptic". Or is that the British spelling?

This was very interesting. It leaves the reader wanting more.
Not very much description here. You mainly had dialogue.

Sorry, I know this wasn't that helpful. :)

-Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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The little things are the most important :D
Doesn't hold a candle to you is a saying, but I'm not sure if it's just unique to one country or something. Do you think I need more description?
When you look at your life, in a strange new room, maybe drowning soon, is this the start of it all?




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I think it would be nice if you added description.

I believe when you reviewed my piece, you told me to show not tell. You need to do the same.

You're piece is mainly dialogue. It's fine for a little while, but a whole novel with only dialogue? That's called a script. You're writing a novel, not a script.

:)
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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'Ello, Ducati! You are the first person to post on my "Will Review for Food" Thread and I must thank you for asking for my help. I feel special :wink: hehe Anyway, on with the review!

The warmth left her and she saw the handsome face of Red move into her line of sight.


What makes him handsome? Is there something uniquely appealing about him or is he the traditional tall/dark/and handsome thing? Just don't come out and say that he's handsome, but if you wish to do so, you have to add more than that :wink:

Red’s eyes roamed the room, lingering on the girls jumping in a mosh pit. Asha snorted.


Describe the girls in the most pit. Are they acting like complete dorks? I'm guessing yes because Asha snorted (like the name Asha by the way :D) but for the reader to get a clear picture, you have to add more. Maybe try something like: Red's eyes roamed the room, lingering on the girls jumping in the most pit. They screamed like teenagers before a pop star and leaped and bounced with enthusiasm that made Red's eyes widen with surprise. Asha snorted, frowning slightly at their unsightly behavior. If you try something like that, you are bound to paint a bigger picture for your reader.

“You know none of them hold a candle to you, Don’t you?”


I read the previous comments before I started and I see that Haruno Sakura commented on this as well. I think I've heard this before because it sounds familiar but I can't quite recall what it means. I'm guessing something like they are in love with Asha, right? If I'm wrong, please correct me =)

Someone had ripped up her carpet, the sofa had been broken and bottles lay everywhere, bleeding alcohol. The air smelt like sweat, smoke and excitement. Her pulse increased and her eyes widened. She grabbed Red.


Whoa! Does Asha not care about the ruined carpet or furniture? Is this even her house? This is a perfect chance to have Asha think something like this isn't her house so she didn't care, or if she's rich, she can think something like she'll get the housekeepers to pick up before her parents get home. Something like that so that we get a clear view on how Asha thinks and acts to certain situations.

Right near the speakers, her lungs shaking with every beat.


This is a fragment. I would try to add more to this sentence because it stood out to me. Maybe try: She choose a spot right next to the speakers, her lungs shaking with every beat as she spun to face Red.

Obviously Red hadn’t noticed the song. He returned his hand to her neck and brought his mouth to hers, his lips hot and furious. She kissed him back, but her heart wasn’t in it. As his hands began to roam, she pulled away. He looked at her questioningly.


This seems like such a random moment to kiss someone :? Maybe have Asha comment on this or maybe that's just Red's personality. It's up to you in what direction you want to take this ^_^

“You are the weirdest chick I know. I’m going to get a drink.”


Haha, sounds like a typical guy who was just rejected :wink: Good personal right here.

“I hate these amateur parties, don’t you?” a cool voice said from behind her. Asha turned to see a tall well dressed woman sitting on her couch, a glass of cola mixed with something in her hand. Her brunette hair was pulled back into a high ponytail and her small mouth curved into a smirk.


Now I get the impression that Asha and Red aren't in high school or even college like I assumed. Now I think they are like in their late twenties. Am I right?

“Come sit and tell me the who’s who of these socialite guests, then.”


It's obvious that Asha doesn't know this person. So wouldn't she be a little hesitant sitting down and sharing the personal issues with everyone? Or maybe that's just Asha and she likes to gossip? Just really try to bring out your characters uniqueness here :D

Asha sat uncertainly on the couch. Her hands clenched the fabric of her skirt. With a moment’s hesitation, she got up and followed the woman outside.


What's going through Asha's mind at this moment? I, me personally, would love to know! This is a perfect opportunity to go in depth with your character's thoughts.

Asha was being to get frustrated.


I think you mean "beginning" instead of "being" right? :wink:

“But I’m not...I mean, this is crazy. It’s crazy! I’m just popular, people like me. It’s not some kind of super power.”


This sounds super self-centered. Is Asha? I would try to go in depth with her thoughts here again.

~ ~ ~ ~

Okay, Ducati, at first, this was kind of a slow starter and I was really nervous about that, but then, we met that woman and all that stuff became exciting. I thought you did well with the mystery and all that jazz.

First, let’s discuss the beginning. It immediately reminded me of the Gossip Girl series. Have you read them? Well, it was just like that with a fabulous party and hot guys and a beautiful hostess. To be able to make your piece stand out on its own and be unique, you have to break out of the other molds other authors out there have sculpted. My advice for the beginning: have her do something out of the ordinary, like Asha spying the woman in the party before she meets her and she gets like a gut feeling about her or something. I don’t know. This is completely up to you on how you want to paint this out. I’m just feeding you ideas :P

Second, the actually stranger, or woman. She was good, but I know you can do better. By your writing, you have a nice style and I can tell that you know where you want to go with this story. I just think that you need to wrap a more mysterious web around this woman and make the reader need to know more about her instead of a just being curious about her.

Next, you need to be clear on the conversation the woman and Asha have. I wasn’t all entirely sure through the whole thing what they were talking about I know that the woman says they have physic abilities and it was so cool when she made the comment about the trends and how suddenly everyone has what they want. (I too have wondered about that sometimes :wink: ) I just think you need to work on making that clear while also leaving the reader wanting more at the end.

And that brings me to my next comment: the end. I thought it was good but it ended to abruptly. Maybe add more of Asha’s thoughts and such in there so that we know what she’s thinking or leave us with a cliff-hanger or something. You need that so that the reader presses forward in the need to know more.

Now, my overall thoughts on this are positive. I found it enjoyable and easy to follow (except for the conversation at the end, which I mentioned above). I also think that you have a very unique idea here, something I have never read before, and you know that has to count for something :wink: I think with just a little tweaking here and there and maybe adding a little more suspense, you’ll be good :D

Otherwise, I hope this was of some help to you and if you ever have any questions or just need help with something, feel free to PM me!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Thanky ou so much. I will work on everything you said. Excellent review! BY the way, you said you like the name Asha, it means hope. Just thought you might like that :D
When you look at your life, in a strange new room, maybe drowning soon, is this the start of it all?



All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe