Halloween

9 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1090
Reviews 145
"I know you're there, Madeline..."

His monotonous words send a cold shiver down her spine. If anything, they convey a carefree sense of cruelty. He does not care about her; he only cares about satisfying his primal urges. This, she knows already. Pressing her back harder against the rough brick wall she bites her lip, suppressing a scream of terror.

He'll hear you. Be quiet. Don't move.

"Maddy... let me tell you something. I don't like games, honey... and you should know that we're not playing one. This isn't hide-and-seek. I'll find you sooner or later, and you know that. Postponing the inevitable will do you no good. This isn't a movie, and there will be no miraculous last-minute rescue, no armed police officers busting in..."

Don't move a muscle. Don't make a sound.

Breathing in slowly she allows her eyes to scan the room, her heart pounding violently against her ribcage. Her palms, slick with sweat, softly meet the jagged surface of the wall for support. There's no way out. I'm trapped. Tall, metal storage shelves stand in chaotic rows, forming a complex maze of obscure aisles. As she opens her mouth, controlling her breathing, she knows she cannot get past him. She knows she doesn't stand a chance.

Halloween is nearing, only three days away, and she notes that it is more than evident that he used it as an inspiration when he rearranged the place. Black cloths are draped across - what the contours suggest are - armchairs, and a haphazard collection of plastic spiders, bats and mice is scattered across the white tiles. Uncarved pumpinks stand atop the shelves, waiting solemnly for a child's touch and the cut of a knife to turn them into their more halloween-spirited counterparts. Madeline knows that no child will carve them, as no child would be sufficiently at ease in the dimly lit room to resort to creativity.

Just keep breathing. Just keep still.

"Why are you hiding from me, Maddy? Why don't you just come out? I said; no games. You and I both know how this will end, don't we? You can't escape, honey, I've locked the door." A gleeful tinge lines his voice, the way sunlight edges a mountain range at dawn. Her fear is his power rush; his thrill.

Don't give up. Don't let go. Don't give in to the fear.

The soft, dinstinct click of a loading gun echoes through the metal labyrinth. For a girl whose father has been a NYPD officer for the better part of thirty years, the sound is unmistakable. In the context of the shooting range it had rung in her ears as a signal of security, the gun being safely in her hands as her father demonstrated how to hold it properly for precise aiming. But now, as she stands - trembling - in her own personal haunted house, she wishes that she hadn't heard.

"How do you like the house, huh? I know it's quite dark, but I promise that wasn't intentional..." He speaks casually, an amused tenor to his condemning words. As the alacrity of her pulse quickens, edging towards the limits of functionality, she can hear him moving. His footsteps are light and calculated on the tiled floor as he approaches.

Hide. Run. Scream. Fight.

Madeline's breath catches sharply in her throat as the footsteps stop in their tracks, some three meters to her right. A warm-cold flash of fear jolts her skin, and she widens her eyes as her muscles freeze in terror. He could've heard me. He could've noticed.

"Madeline?"

Sweat trickles from her temple, tracing a path down the pale skin of her cheek. Her slow breathing quivers with a fearful trill. Pounding blood rings her ears, her own pulse rate audible as clearly as the rhythmic drum of a dragon-boat race. Bom... Bom.... Bom...

"Oh, Madeline?"

Extending her name by a syllable or two he assumes a singsong voice, unnaturally cheerful under the strain of the bloodcurdling tension that hovers over them. What once was a storage room has been molded and rearranged, altered to match his twisted mind. A maze of terror. A labyrinth of death. An inescapable network of narrow, dangerous, and deceivingly still corridors.

Cry. Beg. Plead. Pray.

"Madeline, oh, Madeline." The singsong voice continues, sounding closer, stretching the second letter of her name into a mellow display of entertainment. Just as she finds the strength to edge away, a metallic clang ricochets between the shelves. A warning. The sound reverberates, lingering in the air for a moment as though unwilling to evanesce into the darkest hour of the night.

"Maddy, honey, why would you want to do that? Why move away?"

An electric wrench of terror contracts through her abdomen, her wide eyes staring into the impenetrable shadows. Willing her arms and legs to move; willing her mouth to scream, she stands frozen in fear. The terrified panic has taken over, holding her in its icy, iron grip as her brain begs her muscles to comply - to no avail.

"Now, now... what's with that expression? Why so afraid, my dear? It's not very becoming of you..."

Swallowing heavily, her throat and mouth going dry, she holds still. Her gaze traces its way across the room horizontally, examining the area from which his voice sounds, until she's certain that he is not within her line of sight. He's hiding in the shadows; the echoing of his words making it impossible to pinpoint his exact position.

"Speak to me, Madeline."

Her lower lip quivering, she shakes her head. He's watching her from the darkness of his twisted lair. It's a deadly, warped game of Marco-Polo.

Run. Try. Hide.

"Speak to me."

With the taste of her own blood seeping into her tongue, she releases her punctured lip from the stronghold of her teeth. Hands trembling against the rough bricks of the encaging wall, she stifles a sob as her eyes begin to burn with unshed tears. Seconds later the liquid overflows the brim of her eyes, rolling slowly down her cheeks in lethargic droplets.

"Now, now, honey..." A touch of sarcasm oozes through his tone of voice, the source of the sound approaching as he speaks. "Madeline, speak to me. I want to hear your voice. A girl as pretty as you should have a voice like an angel. A voice like the bubbling water of a fountain... pure beauty."

A musky smell spreads as footsteps echo through the unfathomable darkness, terror spreading in the wake of the leisurely pace of his footfalls. Trembling, she averts her gaze. With a staggering breath she draws air into her lungs. Closing her eyes, Madeline can sense his presence by her side. Coming closer. Moving into her line of sight.

Don't look. Don't speak. Don't move. It's a nightmare. Please, let it just be a nightmare.

After an eternity of anticipation, a hot gust of air is exhaled against her face; the sweet, minty scent tickling her nose as she flattens her body against the wall. Her thoughts tumble. Jumble. Mixing and swirling until they become as incoherent as the rest of her situation. Finding the word to say, she opens her mouth to speak.

"Why...?"

A cold chuckle. A rough, warm finger touches to her nose. She feels him leaning in, exhaling a lungful of warm air against her cheek. With a perverse form of entertainment twined into his steady tone, he breathes.

"Game.... Over...."
Last edited by deleted2 on Thu Nov 27, 2008 5:02 pm, edited 4 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1969
Reviews 32
Uncarved pumpinks stand atop the shelves, waiting solemnly for a child's touch and the cut of a knife to turn them into their more halloween-spirited counterparts. Madeline knows that no child will carve them, as no child would be sufficiently at easy in the dimly lit room to resort to creativity.

pumpkins and Halloween


The soft, dinstinct click of a loading gun echoes through the metal labyrinth. For a girl whose father has been a NYPD officer for the better part of thirty years, the sound is unmistakable.

Distinct



The sound reverberates, lingering in the air for a moment as though unwilling to evanesce into the darkest hour of the night.


evanescence i think you mean

Hands trembling against the rough bricks of the encaging wall, she stifles a sob as her eyes begin to burn with unshed tears.

en-caging



Those are all the spelling errors that I could find.
I really liked this story because it is so suspenceful and put together.
really a great story :D
"my job was twofold 1)save lives 2)take lives. Not necessarily in that order."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 76
Oh my goodness that was so incredibly scary, i felt like i was there, i felt like i was her, i found no errors and this is a brilliant entry to the fear contest. I was hooked from the first paragraph and i hope no one ever goes through it in real life, well done it was awesome :D so scary!
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 690
Reviews 1
It was extremely creepy when he was talking and slowly getting nearer to her until she got hurt. It like something from an Alfred Hitchcock movie where they don't show it but you know whats going to happen, making it even more scary.

but I have a question if she has the gun couldn't she shot him?
if my house is rockin' don't bother knockin' just come on in ---- Stevy Ray Vaugh




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 53415
Reviews 1125
Hello, Do! Stella here!


I. NITPICKS

Tall, metal storage shelves stand in chaotic rows, forming a complex maze of obscure aisles


I found it intriguing -just how big is the room?

halloween-spirited counterparts.


Capitalize.

sufficiently at easy in the dimly lit room to resort to creativity.


At ease.

As the alacrity of her pulse quickens,


Alacrity, although it is a lovely word, is a bit redundant here.
An inescapable network of narrow, dangerous, and deceivingly still, corridors.


No comma after still.

warped game of Marco-Polo, and she the one with the blindfold.


I think that it would be more effective just to end at Marco-Polo...


Spooky!

II. BUT... WHO ARE THEY?

Really, who are they? Obviously she's Madeline, daughter of the police officer. But who's he? Why is she in his house?

You can be subtle about it. Did he invite her? Then add in "She wishes she hadn't accepted his invitation." Or another reason. Fit it in. See, it's much scarier if we can connect it to the world outside... just drop a few hints for a reader to pick up on.

III. PLAYING GAMES

I wasn't sure... the ending is very effective, but he says at the beginning he doesn't like playing games. Perhaps you should rethink that speech... say "Oh, so you want to play?" or something like that... it's just they didn't seem to quite fit.

IV. OVERALL

I really enjoyed it. Sufficiently creepy. A little bit clichéed, however, cliché can be really good in horror. Lets us know where we stand, in a way.

Hope I've helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1090
Reviews 145
Thanks for the reviews, guys !!

^^

Stella: The room is HUGE, lol. It's meant to be an empty storage room of some sort; one of them big baracks with high, flat roofs? *nods*

Werewolf: She doesn't have the gun ;) he does.

It's good to hear that it was creepy :P I tried my best to make it scary and I'm glad I succeeded !

XxxDo




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 21
First thing's first. Typos. I noticed a couple that were mentioned earlier, Pumpink should be pumpkin and Halloween should be capitalized. Other than those none really stood out to me.

Second, there are a few things that aren't really clear. How big is this room? What kind of room is it? Why is she there? Who is this person? What's he trying to do to her? Kill her? Rape her? Cut her up into tiny pieces and feed them to pigs?

And for some reason this sentence bugs me. "Her thoughts tumble. Jumble." It seems, well, weird to me. I can't put my finger on exactly what I don't like about it.

Next. "With the taste of her own blood seeping into her tongue, she releases her punctured lip from the stronghold of her teeth. " When did she bite her lip? The bleeding lip seems to have come out of no where.

I think it's a very good story. Have plenty of detail which paints a clear picture. You need more back story though. The reader is going to want to know more. Try and answer some of the questions I put in paragraph 2.

I know a lot of what I said was said by other people, but those are the things that really stuck out to me.




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1398
Reviews 14
This was a really creepy story! I liked it. Some things could be better, though.

Try describing the man just a little bit more, and his relationship with Madeline. Don't give away too much, to give it a more mysterious feel, but maybe a little more information. For example, where are they, besides in a big room? Who are they, without too many details? Why did they meet? Answer these questions subtly, so the reader has to infer a little. That goes with the phrase, "show but don't tell."

Why is this called Halloween? It was a few days before, and didn't have much to do with the story. Maybe try for a different title.

no armed police officers busting in

That's ironic, considering that her dad's a police officer.

satisfying his primal urges

What does he want?

I don't like games, honey... and you should know that we're not playing one....I said; no games...."Game.... Over...."

What's with the relation to a game? At first he says he doesn't like them, and then says "game over," as if they were playing.

Good descriptions, but there might be a little too many. They become distracting. It might be helpful to lessen them.

A good scary story, with a good cliffhanger at the end, which leaves room for the reader to have their own ideas about what happened.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1090
Reviews 145
Thanks for the reviews, guys! ^^

2424:

I called it Halloween because of the Halloween-themed decoration of the room they're in, and because it's close to being the actual day of Halloween *nods* and maybe sortof for lack of a better title in mind xD
Thankyou for the review =)

RG:

I'll look into my typos and the other things you pointed out ^^ thanks!

XxxDo



What is a poet? An unhappy person who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music.
— Søren Kierkegaard, Philosopher & Theologian