This Poem Is Me

younger pupils in my school were asked to write a poem about themselves called "this Poem Is Me".
Seeing the results, i found it interesting and wrote one myself. If anyone else feels like trying it,
please do upload it and link me because i'd love to see what other people come up with. As a writer its
a great exercise, fun, and very enlightening.


This is rather long, it began as random phrases and sentences that i thought described me, which i
then moved around and put into this structure, so i hope it makes sense.

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THIS POEM IS ME


These wrappings are me,
features permanent and changeable
I am my red hair
The way people remember me, define me
The way it flicks in my eyes
My eyes in flux,
ocean, moss and concrete, Truth is in
The eye of the beholder you know
I am my ever changing lips
The honey, syrup, barbed wire and shape
Now I've lost it again in staring too long
I am a walking slapstick routine,
all uneven ankles and clumsy wrists
Though I like smart jokes better



This is my love for the world, the little things
I like secrets unfolded
Unravelled, untied, a gift
Just for me
I like hidden things,
breathing messages on glass, secret compartments
and doors with tricks to them
Heart shaped lockets,
locks and hearts desire
Keys and breathing deep and trying to breathe fire
I am each recorded detail
Penned feeling and written emotion
Scattered pages, notes and half finished thoughts,
in the not-so-secret place
Perspex, latex, mahogany, the smell
of virtual dusty libraries
I am my unusual bracelets
"Why?"
tape measures, gloves and ribbons
"Why? Because I needed something. And the real ones are lost"


These are my innards and my secret brain
The real hard stuff, stronger than the things you can touch
I am my predictably spontaneous mind.
"An artist... Thats original."
Trying to communicate
I'm trying through lines and colours
But you might just not get it
I am errant thoughts
The ones that aren't right,
fuel, ammunition, proof
"Here. look. I'm not the same"
I am justifying, collections of connections and Venns
Careful chosen words, Time and space the setting
For my abstract physics
"See? This is how it works."
I am a glass girl,
blunt words from a stranger, striking the truth.
Shattered. Chipped. Pieces glued.
Adolescents' shame, an agnostic with
Catholic guilt
I am a high, a spring in stepping
Taking joy in disgust and converting a snapshot offense
To a smile in my throat
"Pity you can't see the funny side too"

Wow, this was really good!! I loved how you started each section then described it, and this one was just outstanding!!


I am a glass girl,

blunt words from a stranger, striking the truth.

Shattered. Chipped. Pieces glued.

Adolescents' shame, an agnostic with

Catholic guilt


There were a few times throughout where it didn't really seem to flow very well, and you used "I" quite a bit too much for my liking, but overall, this is extremely well written!! Great job!! =)

Hmmm ... I am not a fan of the structure. It makes it hard to read and, surprisingly, boring!

Though, you use words well. I enjoyed them. But try a different structure. This one is clumsy and clunky.

-Adrian


MY VERSION: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post442467.html#442467

Sorry Adrian, but I disagree with your saying the structure is "boring". Yes, it may not be the best or anything but I happen to like it, I found it quite eye-catching. Although it may be spaced a bit too much, I do like it. =)

Interesting structure, but your description and constant metaphors are too confusing for the reader and it gets easily boring. You constantly change up what you are talking about without any warning to the reader, and the structure doesn't help much. I think you have a lot of potential and are clearly a very talented writer, but just remember: just because it's complex doesn't mean it's good, and it's quality, not quantity, that counts.

Good work, keep writing!
-KK

i understand this is long, and the structure gets a bit repetitive. Obviously its more interesting to me, as i can see how it relates to me and my life and its easy to get bored if you don't understand a poem.

This has barely been edited, i think i only took out like two lines from a whole page of notes. So yeah, i can understand cutting and cropping, distilling as it were so i only say what i really need to. I didn't keep anything i didn't like, all these lines have a certaina ppeal to me so editing will be hard. However i will consider playing around with the structure a bit, as this does come out like a list.

thank you for the comments.