The Defenestration of Prague #1

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[Note: This was recently just changed from present tense to past, so I would really appreciate comments/critiques on flow. - Cal]



The Defenestration of Prague
[A Zombie Days mess]


Family can be whatever you want it to be.
A Home at the End of the World

#4. Phone-A-Friend

#3. Down to the Dirt of It

#2. Hide and Go Seek


#1. Call Me, Call Me, Anytime…

The Imperial Death March. It took Dylan a few minutes to figure out what it was. Longer to realize that the tune was being orchestrated by her cell phone. By the time she had untangled herself from the comforter and climbed out of bed without falling flat on her face, it had stopped ringing. She managed to fall back into bed, curl up with her comforter, and back into sleep with visions of sweet, sweet revenge on Brian Merritt.

The second time recognition was like fireworks, and she was up and fumbling for her phone, more awake than she ever wanted to be. “Yes.”

“Dylan…” More words were spoken, and Dylan tried her best to decipher them, but the voice on the other end of the line was slurred; a big pile of mush. Dylan looked at her alarm clock, and then blinked, but the numbers stayed the same; it was indeed two-thirty-eight in the morning. She thought she heard apologies for waking her up, and then, clearer than the rest: “I need a ride.”

“Christ on a crutch, Marshall, it’s two thirty in the fucking morning, I’m not your fucking mother, you know.” She knew that her words were unduly harsh, but she just spent the last week and a half distracting Brian from having another meltdown over their break-up; Marshall was not just a convenient target for her temper, he most likely deserved it.

She sighed, knowing that she was much too much awake now, and there must have been a pretty good reason he was calling her at this time of the dark. “Where are you?”

“30th and Main.”

“Fuck,” Dylan muttered, “It will take me at least an hour. You sure you can’t just call someone else?”
There was no response, and Dylan pulled the phone away from her ear to take a look at the screen to make sure Marshall was still on the line.

“Not really. I think my buzz wore off.” Dylan felt a little better hearing that, but he sounded a little confused, and even though she was pissed as hell at him, she had no qualms about saving his ass and then chewing him out later. When she didn’t answer him right away, Marshall continued on. “I’m fine. No, really, I can get in; I don’t have my keys though. The walk will probably do me good. Sorry, Dylan. Go back to sleep.”

The alarm bells were having a field day inside Dylan’s head, like it was the Fourth of July parade with all the fireworks, bright lights, and sounds. She was wide awake and worried with the image of Marshall stumbling from 30th and Main all the way across town to his apartment without his house keys. She knew from the morning route she sometimes ran with him that it would take a little over an hour, and that would only be if Marshall was sober and running.

“Marsh-“

He had gone; the line now dead. Dylan took some comfort in that he had not even mentioned his car.


#2. Hide and Go Seek
Last edited by Caligula's Launderette on Sat May 02, 2009 5:34 am, edited 6 times in total.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?




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Hello Cal. I'll be your critiquer for today. Yay!

So, you wanted specific comments on your tense and how it flowed. As far as I could tell, your flow went just fine. In fact, I would consider it great. Everything stayed in past tense and I never got confused. Good job.

Dylan also seems to be a believable character. That's kind of a big thing for me, because it's so hard to make a real character. But you pulled it off. Again, good job.

I don't really have a lot to say right now. This story looks very solid, and I would like to know when you put up the next part. I have to say, the title is what intrigued me. But anyways good job, and again, I can't wait for the next part.
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Yay, some solid writing!

It's been a while, but she has returned! Albeit with a short piece. Nicely done, Cal. You were a bit comma happy. but ultimately this was strong and consistent.

Kudos.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Thank you both oh-so much.

And, Jigster, I totally gleed over your comments. *hugs*

I have posted part two, here.

All in all, I think there are going to be 8-10 parts, I am currently writing number six.

Danke,
Cal.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?




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I quite like this!

I like the fact that you decided to use Dylan ( a boy name) for a girl. (I'm a sucker when it comes to that type of stuff) And this extremely funny, because I was in the same predicament last night though I didn't cuss or anything.

I didn't see any problems and I'm not going to complain about the length because I plan to read the other stuff you have under Zombie Days so be lookin' for some other comments from me Cal.

Ta,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Angel,

Thank you so much for your comments.

:D

Cal.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?



You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.
— The 12th Doctor