Young Writers Society

You're moaning like you're really hurting,
your tiny heart, you say, it's breaking,
we both know that's a lie!

You've conned your way into jobs,
into relationships, and my thoughts,
my friend, you are not kind!

We met in a boulevard,
I was drunk and you had a car,
You drove me home that night!

Next time we talked was in September,
our kiss you did not remember,
I felt like such a fool!

Gonna write you a song,
gonna call you at dawn,
gonna consider that I'm wrong

or

most likely I'll just go and head on home!

Baby, you try to justify,
to moralize, to idealize,
you know that can’t be done!

I was hungry and you were there,
you were hungry and I was there,
that’s just the way things go!

You think that makes you a whore,
worse, now you come for more,
honey, it's alright!

You don't have to hold my hand,
and by my side you don't have to stand,
But, OK, I'll play along!

Gonna buy you a ring,
gonna dance around and sing,
and it won't mean a thing

or

most likely I'll just go ahead and leave!

I liked how you gave the reader different choices. Very unique. The imaginary was good, and best of all, you fit the rhyming in perfectly. All in all, lovely, funny, and one of a kind!

First of all the work is kind of perfect to be in the lyrics.

Things I liked:
1.The rythm worked really too nicely,I'm not that good like you seriously at rythm like this.
2.The begining is good and the ending is even better.

3.The most intresting part:

Gonna buy you a ring,
gonna dance around and sing,
and it won't mean a thing

or

most likely I'll just go ahead and leave!

Only crit would be some chorus can work well.

Keep posting!
Well done!
~Shine~

Ah- the great poet from earlier! Well, well, well, on a creative up at moment?

This was quite good, not mind blowing or very serious, but it was quite realistic of certain situations around love. The speaker confused me though, past the point of irony as well.

You're moaning like you're really hurting,
your tiny heart, you say, it's breaking,
we both know that's a lie!

And later on...

You think that makes you a whore,
worse, now you come for more,
honey, it's alright!

I understood this, but the speaker just goes up and down too much for me to get any real feeling from him anymore. Other than that, I liked it. Not loved, but liked.

Hope and Best Wishes,

Eimear xx

I liked this poem. I loved how you expressed the feelings of being played out. I loved the feeling you put into it. There is nothing else to say. What really makes it interesting it when you did the "or" thing. I liked the feel of it. You write really good poems. Overall well done. I wished I could write more, but this is all I could write.

Well done. I felt the rhyming fit, and I didn't think it was too forced at all. I really liked this line,

Baby, you try to justify,

to moralize, to idealize,

you know that can’t be done!

It made me smile for some reason. I really enjoyed reading this. It seemed very modern, and some poetry seems like it came out of an old book, but seems like it was written by somebody, which gives it personality, which is good.

Well done.

Josh

I really liked this, the rhythm was great and it seemed like it could be the lyrics of a song. Kind of Bob Dylanesque if you will. It was really unique, and was put forward in a way that made the reader think you cared but didn't... I'm not sure if that made any sense but still...

Baby, you try to justify,
to moralize, to idealize,
you know that can't be done!

Love that line so much!

~Domenique

That would make an amazing song!





-You're moaning like you're really hurting,

your tiny heart, you say, it's breaking,

we both know that's a lie!-

great lyrics! I love your style! there's no real forced rhyming and everything flows smoothly. good job!

I liked this, but there were a few things that bugged me.
1) All the exclamation points! Half of them are unneeded and just look silly!
2)I ryhmed, then it didn't, there was a rythmn, then it changed. Some verses are repetitive (the first two lines of verse 8 end in there). None of this poem is consistent. The voice, too, changes, first berating the (I'm presuming on gender) girl, then goes back and almost seems to reconsider.
If you make this flow better, it will be really good.

I thought your poem had real potention. I liked it