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Young Writers Society


Truth's Dawning



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Gender: Female
Points: 300
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Sat Apr 12, 2008 2:45 am
Smiley says...



The First Chapter
Dear Diary,
I have medium length wavy black hair and bright blue eyes, I am fourteen years old I have Seventeen brothers and sisters. My name is Emily. I am the oldest and the only one who is not a twin or triplet. I am also the only one with a different father. My father was a Sorcerer and I hope to one day be a Sorceress. The only problem is my mother; she won’t let me go to Middle End the only young Sorcerer and Sorceress school in 1,000,000 km. I only wish I could get the application I asked Brian to have the school send to me…
Emily stopped writing and hid her brand new diary under her mattress as at least two fists started pounding on the door. She made a mental note to herself to finish writing her entry later that night.
She winced as her 11 year old sisters Katherine (called Kitty) and Kaitlyn (called Katy) called in unison their shrill voices rising in pitch as they got more annoyed, “Emily, Emily, Emily. Let us in.”
“NO,” Emily answered glad that she didn’t have to share a room with anyone unlike the twins and five sets of triplets who shared the six rooms up and down the hallway on the second floor.
“Fine,” they answered in unison, “Then we won’t give you this letter from someplace called Middle End.”
Emily jumped off her bed and had her door unlocked in seconds, “Give it to me,” She snapped wrenching it from their hands. Then pushing them out the door she locked it and began to read,
“Dear Miss. Emily Browder,
We are sending this on the suggestion of Mr. Brian Young. Please fill out this application and send it to us with at least one parent or guardians signature. It would be best if it was the Sorcerer or Sorceress parent, but either will do. Also if accepted the tuition will be one silver korona a semester.
Sincerely Yours,
Marianna Eggler
Principal of Middle End School for young budding Sorcerers and Sorceresses.“
Included with the letter was an application form. Emily dropped it on her bed one silver korona was a lot to spend (as it was the price of 50 copper half - koronas) on school. She knew her mom would never pay and she could only pay for one maybe two years she thought though she hadn’t counted her money in awhile. Reaching under her mattress she pulled out the leather coin purse a birthday present from her stepfather, she counted the silver koronas, she had four, then she pulled out her three gold koronas presents from her father when she was born. One gold korona was worth two silver, which meant that she had enough for four years plus she had travel expenses with 150 copper half-koronas. Now for her mother, maybe just maybe her mom would let her go. Perhaps her step dad would help. “Emily, Katherine, Kaitlyn, Matthew, Michael, Markus, Anna, Adam, Abby, John, Julia, James, Carl, Christina, Camilla, Isabelle, Isaac, and Ian, come here.” Emily started as her mom’s voice traveled up the stairs to her attic room then she laughed as 14 pairs of feet ran down the stairs at the same time. Her brothers and sisters were in this order she knew, 11 year olds Kitty and Katy. The oldest triplets always busy doing something, nine year olds Matt(short for Matthew), Mike(short for Michael), and Mark(short for Markus). The next set 7 year olds mischeivous Anna, quiet Adam, and silly Abby. The next set of triplets 5 year olds active John, and James and no nonsense Julia, and the next set, all fun 3year olds Carl, Chrissie(short for Christina), and Cammy(short for Camilla). Emily also knew that Izzy (short for Isabelle), Isaac, and Ian the youngest triplets (they were one), would be in the other room downstairs.
“Emily come here,” Her mom called again, it was routine, 17 would come when called, and the oldest would come after being called three times.
Of course her mom didn’t really care, “Emily Marianna Elaine Mariah Browder Cullen come here now!”
Emily started her mom usually didn’t use her full name, and she especially didn’t usually call her with her step dad’s last name. Emily got up and unlocking her door ran down the two flights of steps making barely a sound and ran into the living room. She halted in surprise, all 17 of her brothers and sisters were standing in age order oldest to youngest, and all of them were looking at the other side of the room. Emily leaned against the door frame and looked at what everyone else was looking at. Her mom was sitting on the futon by a regal looking older woman in her fifties. Sitting next to this older woman Marianna Katherine Cullen looked younger then her 38 years. “Ah, You’ve finally come,” Her mother, said, “This is Mariah Browder, Your fathers mother Em.”
Emily looked at this woman in amazement, she had never had any contact with her father’s family, and she wondered why all the sudden her grandmother had shown up. “Hi,” She said warily.
“Hello,” Mariah Browder said back, “How old are you my dear?”
“14,” Emily answered.
“Why are you not at Middle End at this time?” Mariah Browder asked. Emily shot her mom a glance; her mom was starting to look uncomfortable. “Well I don’t think that Em needs to go to Middle End.” Mrs. Cullen said shooting Emily a glance that said ‘don’t say a thing, we’ll talk later’. “We just can’t spare Emily.” Emily had heard enough, even though she had read her mom’s glance fine she knew that she could be spared and she wanted to be, she burst out, “I can be spared, you have Kitty, Katy, Matt, Mike and Mark to help you.”
“Well you don’t have an application.” Her mom said.
“Yes I do, it came today here's the letter.” Emily handed the letter with the application to her mom. Her mom read over it and then said, “We can’t afford that kind of money.”
“I can I have four silver koronas, three gold koronas, and 150 copper half-koronas.”
“That won’t be necessary, I can pay for it all,” Mariah Browder jumped in.
“Well, I don't know...” Maria Cullen said after a moments hesitation.
“Well that’s settled then,” Mariah Browder said, “I will pick you up in two weeks and take you.”
“But I haven’t been accepted,” Emily said.
“You’ll be accepted sure enough,” Mariah Browder said with a gleam in her eyes she handed Emily a list and 1000 copper half-koronas and said, “You’ll need everything on this list, if you don’t have it go out and buy it with this. From now on, you will receive 10000 copper half-koronas a week from your fathers account. The money is your grandfathers, it was willed to your father and he has not taken any out in 15 years so it is now yours.” Emily couldn’t believe it and she stared openmouthed and speechless at her grandmother. “Well I’ll pick you up in two weeks.” Her grandmother said.
“Can we go?” Kitty and Katy asked.
“No we want to,” everyone else started to say at the same time.
“Quiet, I’m sorry but Emily is going off to school and it is to expensive to let everyone go.” Mrs. Cullen said.
“How about this, I’ll pay for you all to go and come back except of course for Emily who will be staying.” Mrs. Browder said and with that, she left without waiting for an answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Second Chapter

Two weeks later Emily woke up at 4:30 feeling nervous and excited at the same time. She would travel this day to Middle End. “Emily, Katherine, Kaitlyn, Matthew, Michael, Mark, Anna, Adam, Abby, John, Julia, James, Carl, Christina, Camilla, Time to come down.” Emily laughed as she got out of bed and heard everyone else stampede downstairs. She started gathering her stuff and looked at the application form she and her mom had filled out it looked like this:
Name: Emily Marianna Elaine Mariah Browder(Cullen(step dad’s last name))
Sorcerer/ Sorceress in Family: Emily Mariah Eggler Browder (Grandmother on fathers side) and Morian Browder (Father)
Age: 14 and 3 months
Have you ever performed a spell: Yes at age 6
How long have you known you were a sorcerer/sorceress: All my life
Parental signature of approval: Marianna Katherine Browder Cullen
Signature of sorcerer or sorceress family member: Emily Mariah Eggler Browder
Your signature: Emily Marianna Elaine Mariah Browder

Emily sighed she couldn’t believe that she had been named after both her grandmothers middle names and all. “Emily, your grandmother's here.” Mrs. Cullen said. Emily started, her grandmother wasn’t supposed to be there for another hour at least. Her bedroom door opened and her grandmother walked into her room. “You almost ready? The train leaves an hour earlier then expected.” Ms. Browder said.
“I’ll be ready in a minute.” Emily said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Twenty minutes later Emily and her family (all 17 brothers and sisters, her grandmother, her mother, and her stepfather who was just seeing them off) were standing out side the train station. “All aboard,” the conductor called. Mr. Cullen gave everyone a last hug as they boarded the train Emily was last to board. Mr. Cullen held her tight and said, “Emily, I want you to know I’m proud of you. I may not be your real father but I love you as if I was. Have fun.”
“I will, thanks, dad.” Emily said calling him dad for the first time ever, as she boarded the train.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 and a-half hours later, the whole Cullen and Browder clan stood outside of Middle End School. The main building was an impressive 3-story brick building. “Come along everyone, we need to get Emily registered and settled before her first class starts.” She hustled them into the building then she directed Emily’s mom, brothers, and sisters toward the main office. Than she told Emily, “I am a matron here and I will be in your building. I have a room picked out for you with three first year girls.” With that, she led Emily out toward the first building directly to the right of the back door. The building was two stories and when they entered, Emily was amazed at the size of the front dining room. “This building is for half of the first year students all the girls and half of the fourth year students also all the girls, you will eat breakfast and supper in here, mid-day meal is taken with all the first year students in the main building. Now let’s go to your room.” Emily followed her grandmother up the stairs and into the first room on her right. “Now I’ll leave you to unpack, breakfast is over and I know you’ve already eaten. But you need to be downstairs in five minutes so we can go to orientation.” Emily nodded her head whirling. Putting down her bags and taking a deep breath, Emily opened the door than picked up her bags again and walked into the room. “Jane, Marisa is that you?” A friendly girls voice came from in the room, “I didn’t expect you to finish showering so quickly.” Emily walked all the way into the room so she could be seen. “Oh, hi I’m Gwennth,” Said a tall thin blonde girl with blue eyes when she saw Emily.
“I’m Emily, I think I’m you’re new roommate.” Emily said putting down her bags to shake Gwennth’s hand. “Yeah, Mrs. Browder said you’d be coming. You’ll share a room with Jane.” Emily saw that the one room was really three rooms in one. The room that she had entered was a sitting room and off to the right and left was two doors that led to bedrooms. “Jane and Marisa are taking showers right now but they’ll be back in a few minutes. Your room is right through the door on the right, I’ll be in there in a minute to help you unpack.”
“OK,” Emily said her head whirling as Gwennth could talk a mile a minute. She walked into the room and started unpacking 2 minutes later the door opened she turned expecting to see Gwennth but instead she saw a short thin girl with reddish blonde hair and blues eyes. “Hi I’m Jane,” The girl said extending her hand. “I’m Emily I’m your new roommate.” Emily said standing up and shaking hands with Jane. “Well you need, we need to hurry because we have to be downstairs in a minute and a half.” Jane said putting her pajamas into the dresser on the opposite side of the room. “Come on and I’ll introduce you to Marisa.” Emily followed Jane out of the room and into the sitting area. Sitting there with Gwennth was a tall Brunette with lilac eyes she stood up extending her hand she said, “I’m Marisa, but I’m sure that Jane and Gwennth have told you that.”
Emily shook her hand saying, “I’m Emily, it’s nice to meet you.”
“Well come on we don’t want to be late.” Gwennth said impatiently. They all laughed and followed her out of the room. They went downstairs where Emily met a few more first year students, right before it was time to go a tall blonde haired girl followed by two brunettes and a red head walked down the stairs. “That’s Barbara and her goons, the brunettes are twins Kristina and Katrina, and the red head is Mary-Katherine.” Jane said in a whisper, “They’re fourth year students and think they own the world, in the boys dorms are their boyfriends Ryan, Alex, Allan, and Mark.” Emily nodded and was about to remark when her grandmother clapped her hands and had everyone pair up. Emily and Jane were paired up, and Marisa and Gwennth were paired up.
“Let’s go.” Mrs. Browder commanded and they all went out the front door. Mrs. Browder led them all to a building located directly across from their building. They walked in and Emily saw it was a gym; they all took seats on the bleachers. Soon the whole gym was filled, Emily saw Brian and waved. After a few minutes a middle-aged woman walked into the room and addressed the crowd, “Hello and Welcome to Middle End School, I'm the headmaster Marianna Eggler, there are a few new students here so I will go over what we are doing today. There are animals that will choose a student and will form a telepathic communication with them. For those of you who were not here this summer, it usually takes a first year student a week to form a telepathic communication; it can take a second year student five days. It can take a third year student three days, it can take a fourth year student one day, and it usually takes a fifth year student five minutes to three hours. There have been instances however where a first year student did it in five minutes. The animals that usually choose are as follows: first year gecko, second year komodo dragon, third year rabbit, fourth year cat, and fifth year dog seeing as each animal gets smarter as it goes and the smarter they are the harder it is to form a telepathic connection. Now this news will be new to all, Marie Claire a fifth year student cannot come back this year. As we were planning for her to be here there is one extra dog, most likely a fourth or fifth year student will be chosen, but not necessarily. Now if you will line up by year first year in the front, fifth year in the back we can begin.” Emily followed all the first year students and got in the line, she found herself between Brian and Jane, about tenth in line. When the line started she watched as everyone stuck out their hands so that the animals could smell them, when they found an animal they were led down to the dogs so everyone could have a fair chance. When Emily got second in line she watched Brian go down the line of geckos, nothing happened, the same with the komodo dragons and rabbits. When he got to the cats one purred, when it smelt him and the cat was handed to him. Then it was Emily’s turn, she passed the same things as Brian did and when she got to the cats a small gray one with a white foot purred in decision. The cat was handed to her and she held him. As she passed the dogs a Siberian husky barked when it smelt her hand, Emily started and shifting the cat so that it was sitting on her shoulder took the dog and carried her to the end of the line. Mrs. Browder was overseeing handing out leashes, collars, and cages to the students when she saw Emily she raised an eyebrow then she gave her two collars and leashes then she said, “You have about six hours to begin bonding be in the main building at one pm sharp.” Emily nodded then walked away. As she passed the fourth year students line Barbara gasped and pointed at Emily. Then as Emily got closer Barbara tripped her and laughed. Emily stumbled trying to keep her balance when she finally did she heard a voice say, “I would like it if you’d be much more careful.”
Emily jumped and turned around; there was no one there.
“I’m up here.” Emily looked up; all she saw was the cat sitting there.
“A... A... are you talking to me?” Emily asked the cat.
“Yes he’s talking to you.” Another voice said, “Hello telepathic communication here.”
Emily looked down at her dog which she had put on the ground after getting a leash. “Ok,, this is freaking me out but if we’re going to talk you’ll need to tell me your names.” Emily said.
“Well we’re pets of some type, so you get to name us. Of course there is an up side to that we get to say whether we like the names or not.” The dog’s voice said.
“Well let’s see for you,” Emily said looking at the dog, “How about Jewel?”
“Alright,” said Jewel wagging her tail ecstatically.
“Ok and you,” Emily said taking the cat off her shoulder and putting his collar on, “Mittens?”
“NO, eww, I can't believe you would think of calling such an upstanding cat, kitten as me Mittens, blech. I like the name I heard the other day, Matthew.”
“Well I can’t name you Matthew that’s my brothers name,”
“Matthias then it's close enough.” Matthias said, “As long as you’ll call me Matt.” “I’ll call you Matt when we are at school, but when we go home, you’re Matthias out loud.”
“I’ll be Matthias out loud at all times.” Said Matt licking his paw. Emily hooked the leash on Matthias and set him on the ground. She looked for Jane, Gwennth, Marisa, and Brian she couldn’t see them. “Hey,” said a voice behind her Emily jumped and turned around there behind her were Jane, Gwennth, and Marisa. All three of them were holding cats as well. “Hey, I was just looking for you.” Emily said, “So you guys got cats too.”
“Yeah,” Jane said, “Isn’t it amazing, whoa you got the extra dog and you got a cat?”
“Yeah, this is Jewel and Matthias.” Emily said introducing the cat and dog. “You’re not supposed to name them without first getting telepathic communication with them.” Gwennth said.
“I didn’t, they chose the names themselves.”
“WOW you got two animals and you have telepathic communication with both of them already.” Jane said. Emily nodded, then Marisa said, “Come on let’s go to our room.” Everyone agreed and followed her out of the gym. Once they got to their room Marisa opened the door and stopped everyone bumped into her, backing out of the room and closing the door. Marisa asked, “Do any of you know why there are like maybe twenty people in our room most of them kids?” Emily said, “That would be my family, I didn’t think they’d come to my room.” Emily opened the door ignoring the questioning glances her friends gave her, and walked into the room, it was chaos in the room all her brothers and sisters were jumping off the walls. “Quiet,” Emily yelled over the noise, instantly it subsided then everyone started yelling, “Emily, Emily.”
“Quiet,” Emily said again this time they stopped and didn’t say another word Emily continued, “I have roommates that also need to come in here so I need everyone to sit quietly. Please.” Everyone sat down close to Mrs. Cullen, “Thank you,” Emily said as she walked to the door and motioned for her roommates to come in. The three of them came in. Emily introduced her family to her roommates. “This is my family, Katherine, Kaitlyn, Matthew, Michael, Markus, Anna, Adam, Abby, John, Julia, James, Carl, Christina, Camilla, Isabelle, Isaac, and Ian. Yeah I know it's a lot, don't worry about getting them mixed up. Guys this is Gwennth, Jane, and Marisa.” Katherine raised her hand and Emily nodded at her, she said, “Where did you get the dog and cat?”
“From class, in a way. We have to build a relationship with them, using mental telepathy.” Gwennth answered.
“Huh?” Kitty said.
“Mental telepathy is when we can talk to the animal or even to a person using our minds.” Emily explained, Kitty nodded now understanding. “Well we’re going to have to leave soon, we were just coming to say goodbye.” Mrs. Cullen said standing up and herding all the kids into two rows handing Isabelle and Isaac to Kitty and Katy holding Ian herself. “We love you Em and we’ll see you in a few months, Bye.” Mrs. Cullen said as they left. “Ok, how in the world do you have 17 brothers and sisters,” Jane asked? “Exactly it’s like impossible for your mom to have that many multiples after having a single.” Gwennth said. “Well my mom’s remarried and sort of has a curse or spell on her. At least until my dad is found if he isn’t dead, even then unless someone can reverse the spell she’ll die in child birth. Well after she has another set of twins she’ll have two years before her last and that one will be a single and then she would die. Anyway we should be safe, no one’s seen my dad in 13 ½ years.” Emily explained.
“Well you do know that your mom was pregnant don’t you?” Marisa stated. When Emily looked surprised she said, “Yeah from the looks of it 6 ½ months.” “What, she would be a lot bigger if she was 6 ½ months, unless... I’ll be back in a minute.” Emily said racing out the door Matthias on her shoulder, Jewel running along side, Emily caught up to her mom as she reached the door. “Marisa said you’re pregnant, is it true?” Emily confronted her mom. Her mom blanched, “Yes it’s true, but I wasn’t going to tell you.” “Why?” “Because 7 months ago I saw your father again,” Mrs. Cullen said hesitantly. It was now Emily’s turn to blanch, “Dad’s come back, I thought he died.”
“No that was just the story we told you, your fathers alive and well, he’s been missing for a few reasons I can’t tell you.”
“Does that mean you’re pregnant with twins?”
"Maybe, Most likely.”
“Who can save you?”
“Only one person knows that, your father. He was the best friend of the sorceress that put the spell on me after I married your stepfather.”
“Where is my dad?”
“You may end up seeing him sooner then you think. Now we have a train to catch. Goodbye.” Emily watched as her mother and siblings walked across the school grounds. Then she walked inside picking up Jewel as she went. “Well what do you guys think?” She asked them.
“Well I think you need to find your dad or go after this lady yourself.” Jewel said. “Me too, just if you do go you’ll end up taking us. Make sure you bring plenty of food.” Matt said.
Emily laughed and ruffled his fur; Matt hissed and started to brush his fur back into place.
When Emily got back to her room Jane said, “I got a telepathic communication with my cat, her name is Sapphirina.” Emily laughed and walked into the room Gwennth said, “I got one too mine’s name is Merion it’s a boy.”
Marisa jumped in, “I have a connection too, and mine’s name is Creanna.”
Emily said, “Wow guys that’s great. I need your help though.” Emily then told her what her mom had told her and whatever else she knew. After she finished Jane said, “I agree with Jewel, I think you need to find your dad or go after this sorceress yourself, I’d go with you.”
“Yeah me too,” Marisa said.
“Me three,” Gwennth agreed, and then continued, “I may know the first place to start, I’ve heard of a first year teacher Morian Eggler, either Marianna’s brother or cousin one. Perhaps we should go visit him now, I mean we have what 4 hrs before lunch.”
“OK. Let’s go.” Emily said. As the walked out the door they bumped into Barbara and her gang they all had geckos. When they saw Emily and her friends their faces turned red with anger and Barbara was about to punch Emily when Brian Young walked up the steps. When he saw Barbara his face went red and he hastened his steps Emily saw him and said, “Hey Brian,” Barbara turned and saw nothing, the reason for this is Brian was able to become invisible easily, he could also shape shift with Emily’s help. They had found this out when they were 5 years old and had both wanted to be a different animal, Brian had said jokingly, “From now till I say, a dog shall I be.” Emily said the words at the same time and they had both turned into dogs. Now he had turned invisible when Emily had muttered something under her breath at the same time as Brian had. ‘Hey Brian' had been the finishing words to the spell they had found and it could change him back. As Barbara looked Emily muttered the same thing under her breath so that it worked for all of the girls and the animals. When Barbara turned back around she shrieked and ran down the hall followed by her girlfriends. “Hey Brian,” Emily said Brian came back into sight. “Hey Emily,” Brian said and the girls came back into sight. “What are doing here,” Emily asked? “I’m here cause I wanted to tell you that I’ve gotten a connection with my cat already her name is Cortella.”
“Cool. Now do you want to come with us we’re on the way to see the teacher Morian Eggler.”
Brian agreed to come knowing about the curse and her father. They all went out and Gwennth led them to the first year lessons building. They found Morian Eggler’s room and knocked. “Come in,” a voice said, they walked into the room and Mr. Eggler asked, “How can I help you?” Emily looked him over he had graying blonde hair and bright blue eyes he also had indention above his right eyebrow.
“Well I was wondering how long you’ve been teaching?” Emily asked.
He answered, “11 years give or take.”
Emily gasped she knew this was her father, she could tell, she had just recognized the indention just to make sure though she asked, “What happened to your eye?”
“At one time I had a family, I went to get my daughter out from under a table and hit it on a screw.”
Emily now knew for sure that this was her dad, she asked, “What was your wife’s name?”
“Maria, and I had a daughter named Emily also.” He answered. "Emily Marianna Elaine Mariah Browder and my mom is Maria Katherine Browder Cullen,” Emily said quietly.
“Maria Katherine Eggler Browder Cullen not just Browder Cullen.” He said, “My goodness my daughter sure has grown hasn’t she.”
“That’s what happens after 12 ½ years, kids do that. Now I need info, I need to know who the sorceress is who put the spell on mom, and who can reverse the spell.” Mr. Browder(as that is his name) started chanting something Emily had only read once before.
“When the time comes,
One shall arise who will defeat all.
One who is young yet smart in the magical arts,
One who will go to save a family member.
The one shall be young and starting at the school,
She shall it be and first year as rules.
The One shall be chosen by two not one,
She shall go on a quest to save,
A quest to live,
A quest that will turn to saving the world.
In a blink of an eye,
Friends will turn and come back.
She will find the last of Them,
He will help her to complete all of the quest.
The quest begins with the start of the school year,
She will know who to ask,
All will start then.”
Mr. Browder stopped chanting, long before while he had been chanting Emily had started to feel queasy and she knew she was the one but she had to ask one question, “Who are the Them?”
“The Them were a group of sorcerers and sorceresses back when the country was ruled by a government. They arrived from across the sea just in time to make peace between some of the government at the time. They were given places of power in the land and soon some wanted more. Chrysanna a young reckless sorceress decided she wanted to be queen, so she killed every member of the government and turned half of the 14 Them onto her side the remaining 7 fled as they were older and weakening to regroup and one day reproduce. The last names of 6 of the 7 remaining were: Browder, Eggler, Hunter, Alexander, Browning, and Smithton the last never married and is still alive today as far as I know. His name was never mentioned in the old tales, he was actually the youngest of the 7, actually he was younger than all the others. I think he had a place of power where he came from originally and didn’t care for more. Continuing on, the 7 remaining had put a spell on themselves before breaking up that made them never grow older. 6 of the 7 married, all to humans. The sorceresses made the humans change their last name to theirs; the names of the sorceresses were Browder, Browning, and Hunter. The rest were men so their names didn’t change. Chrysanna by this time was looking hard for the remaining Them, she found the 6 that had married, not before they had each borne one child, and she killed them. She also put a spell on their children that made them only able to have one child ever down through three generations in trying to kill off the families. Emily your great grandmother on my side and great grandfather on your mothers side were two of the original Them. Chrysanna is still alive and ruling, she never ages. I left you because I had to try and defeat Chrysanna, she was too strong.” Mr. Browder faded into silence as he remembered all the time spent trying to defeat the queen and her minions.
“Now I’m sorry, about who put the spell on your mom, it was Chrysanna she was angry at me and put the spell on her so that if I ever saw her again she would end up dying and break my heart. She knew about you though and was angry because when she had been good she had been the one to prophesy that very poem, not knowing of course she would become bad. You need to leave now if you’re going to be able to defeat her, because as I'm sure you know your mom's pregnant again definitely twins. I have a book here that might help, it’s a book of spells and all the stories about what happened in the Great War.” Mr. Browder took a large book off the shelf and handed it to Emily then he continued, “The good thing about the book is that it can shrink and grow on command, it also can become lighter if need be, so your packs won’t be heavy and you’ll be able to take more. Now you will need to find the last of the 7 Them that left. He will probably be somewhere out in the wilderness.”
“How will we get there?” Emily asked, “I mean we could take the train but I don’t think that will happen.”
“You’re right the train only goes as far as the station you rode it to, the wilderness is where the populace is larger than all of where the train reaches. The queen lives out there in the very center of the land, the Orramir also live out there, they are rebels. Also many towns and cities greater than our own are out there. The queen doesn't want to encourage rebels so there is very little technology. There are many mountainous regions and there is a great desert and then there is the sea, it is a beautiful land.” Emily couldn’t believe what she was hearing, she was going to have to go out into the wilderness and try to find one man who may not even be alive, but she decided that she would go she said, “I’ll go, I don’t know if anyone else will, but I’ll go.”
“We’ve all decided to go with you,” Jane said.
“Well now that’s all settled let’s get on with business,” He handed Brian two odd bundles, “Don’t open this one,” He said pointing to the odder shaped one, “Until you’ve gotten to the other side of Damask, a village thirty miles away you should be able to reach it by tonight if you leave soon. This other one is about three weeks worth bread and cheese. This cloth will shrink anything it is wrapped around. Now here also are some cloaks that should fit you, they serve two purposes first they’ll keep you warm. Second, you’ll be invisible to all of the Queen’s army, except for the ones who were part of Them at one time also,” As he said this he had taken out five cloaks of a gray color woven with some gold, he took them then and flipped them so they could see the other sides. They were of bright colors, Red, Purple, Green, Blue, and Yellow he continued, “The cloaks will become ranks later for now the colors go: Red: Emily, Purple: Jane, Green: Brian, Blue: Gwennth, and Yellow: Marisa. All the cloaks were made by the original Them, the last two colors are Silver and Orange, I have the Orange, and the last of the remaining Them has the Silver. Now you must go you have two hours before lunch, you must go get packed and be gone by then. Oh here are some packs that will be just right for packing everything you need, they also have water pouches that when you reach the desert will keep water in them as long as the climate lasts. Now I will tell your grandmother where you have gone Em; and your mother, perhaps I’ll see you sometime along the way. Now go.” Mr. Browder shoved them out the door and waved as they left, when they got out of the building Emily said, “Brian, we’ll meet you in thirty minutes near the front gate you’ll need to be wearing your cloak and make sure you bring sturdy clothes and extra shoes also a blanket roll for night. You take this bundle,” Emily said pointing to the one that was not to be opened until the village of ‘Damask’, “We’ll take the food and the book. You will have to bring your cat and if possible bring meat for all of the cats plus Jewel.” Brian nodded and took off towards the other side of the campus. Emily and the girls ran to their dorm room and started packing. Twenty minutes later they were finished everything fit perfectly Emily took her water pouch out of her bag and saw that it would buckle around her waist she did so and saw that there was a place for food or stones or something she said to the girls, “Put a hair ribbon in the extra pouch as it may be good in the desert, also if you have a belt knife bring it as well as dried leather for slings.” The girls quickly did just that, then putting on the cloaks gray side out they left. Cats on their shoulders and Jewel in Emily’s arms they were careful to keep in the shadows as they left the building and walked to the front gate, Brian was already there and with a glance back they opened the front gate and left Middle End, for awhile anyway.
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Gender: Female
Points: 17580
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Sat Apr 12, 2008 3:16 am
Areida says...



Hey, Smiley!

I don't think I've seen you around before, and it looks like this is your first post, so welcome to YWS! I'm Areida, but you can call me Ari if you want. Just wanted to remind you that we require a 2:1 ratio of reviews to posted work, so be sure you review a few things and give others feedback on their work before posting anything else of yours. You'll make friends and be more likely to gain faithful critiquers for your work.

Now, about your piece:

It's extremely difficult to read with the text all bunched up like it is currently, so put full spaces in between each paragraph. It's much easier on the eyes when reading large chunks of text on-screen.

The beginning of the story didn't really capture my attention; it was too much like a grocery list. "I look like this, I have this many brothers and sisters, and oh yeah, my dad's a wizard and so--" Wait a second. Her dad's a wizard? See, that's pretty cool. Only it came off as just... well. Okay. Whoop-dee-do.

Make it more exciting! Catch my attention right from the get-go, and I'll be far more likely to look at a story in depth and give more specific comments along the way. For now, focus on keeping things interesting all the way through (especially in the beginning), and making your characters real people, rather than mimicries of life.

Good luck and see you around!
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Gender: Male
Points: 1040
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Sun Apr 13, 2008 8:28 pm
WriterAddict12356 says...



a little boring in my small opinion.
  








attempting foot extraction
— Mea