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Young Writers Society


Raven (much edited)



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Wed Mar 26, 2008 12:53 am
mandylynn16 says...



“Quinn, Mrs. Priestly is here with her poodle, Jayne. She’s in room 3,” Raven Anderson announced from the doorway of Quinn’s office.

He looked up, and she gave him a knowing smile. They both knew she was the most worrisome dog owner ever to frequent the office. A day that Jayne didn’t eat as much, or slept a few minutes longer than usual, they got a call or she would just show up, hysterical sometime.

Quinn smiled back and exaggerated a sigh. “What is it this time? Did lil’ Jaynie let a sneeze?”

Raven laughed. “No, it’s a tad bit more serious. She’s limping.”

“Huh. That is actually a valid reason to visit the vet.”

“I know, it’s a surprise. Anyway, should I come? I don’t have another appointment until 2.”

“Uh…sure. If you really want to…” he grinned.

“Why, of course.”

They headed toward the end of the hall where room 3 was.
Before they even reached the door, they could hear Mrs. Priestley’s voice talking to Jayne.

“Oh, hello, Raven!” Mrs. Priestly greeted as Raven walked in. “Nice to see you.”

Raven smiled politely. “You, too, Mrs. Priestly. How are you?”

“I’m fine. I’m actually worried about Jayne.”

“Of course. Here's Dr. Quinn.”

Mrs. Priestly turned to Quinn, apparently just noticing him. Raven suppressed a giggle. “Oh, hi, Dr. Maddox.”

“Hello, Mrs. Priestly.”

He walked over to Jayne and had her lay down. As he examined the leg, Raven attempted to keep Mrs. Priestly occupied by talking with her.
Finally Quinn was done. “It looks as if she’s sprained her knee. Not sure how, but I can brace it and she should be fine in about two weeks.

Mrs. Priestly paled. “Two? But- I…no more walks? Shows?” she finished weakly.

“I’m afraid not,” Quinn said with greatest sympathy.

“Okay,” she said, defeated.

He offered a comforting smile and gathered supplies for the brace.
Jayne whimpered when Quinn began working on her leg and as he whispered comforting tones and she calmed.
Raven marveled at how he was with animals. She loved working here.
Soon enough, Quinn was done and Mrs. Priestly was hugging her poodle close. Raven looked to Quinn and he blinked, then his eyes flitted to the door.

“Goodbye, Mrs. Priestly Have a nice day.”

She smiled weakly and said bye. Raven and Quinn walked out. Quinn headed straight towards his office and Raven meekly followed, hoping he wouldn’t mind.
He went in and shut the door behind him. “Well,” he said.
Raven laughed. “That’s over. I found it odd how she paled when you told her not that she shouldn’t care, but still…”

“Yeah, must be an important show coming up.”

“Guess so. Which reminds me, I should get back to my station. I expect Jim in about twenty minutes.”

He nodded. “Well, good luck to you. I probably have another patient quite soon. You never know, though, I may need you to come along so they’ll know I’m there.”

Raven laughed. So he had noticed. “That was pretty funny. I don’t know why she likes me so much. What have I ever done?”

He looked at her a moment. She blinked. She had never seen eyes with such a resemblance to the sea yet brilliant with tinges of deep blue lining the iris. Then he looked back to his desk and shrugged. “Who knows with that lady?”

“I guess. Well, see you later.” She gave a wave and headed out the door. She hoped Jim would be a quick job.

********
Raven sat in the chair in the grooming room and mulled over the past few weeks.
She’d met with Johnny a few weeks ago and he’d said he would call her when he had free time to take her out again.
She’d expected a call last week.
He still hadn’t. She liked him, she wanted their relationship to go somewhere, but seeing him every month was going nowhere fast.
She frowned. She felt shackled. She liked Johnny, but she wanted a steady relationship with him or anyone for that instance. But as long as she was waiting for his call like a puppy for scraps, she was chained to him. He would have to call and she would have to decide rather she would stay with him. Not that she wouldn’t. Every time she got to see him, her hope remained until the end of the few weeks.
Right when Johnny usually called. Obviously she was trapped. She just wished he would call. She wanted to see him. She wanted a date out from all her work.
She sighed. What was up with her anyway?

“Brooding?” She heard a familiar voice in the doorway to the shop.

Raven looked up to find Quinn standing there with a smirk on his face. She rolled her eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“Not sure. Just thought I’d pay you a visit.”

“Well, how kind,” she said sarcastically.

“Of course. What do you expect?”

She shook her head with a smile.

“Thought you’d be busy every minute of your day? Business die down a little?” she asked. She didn’t mean to imply that she didn’t want him here, she just kept thinking of things for him to answer.

“A little. I shouldn’t have another appointment ‘til 3, but you know how walk-ins are.”

Raven nodded. “Yes.”

“What was all that frowning and sighing about?” he asked.

“Oh, nothing important. Nothing to waste time talking about.”

“Oh, really? So that’s why you were sitting there brooding.”

She eyed him with mock annoyance. “I’m just expecting a call. That’s all. It’s funny. I almost know what those dogs feel like that have to stay on a leash all the time.”
She looked away after this statement, realizing she had divulged telling info.

“Why?” he asked, curious now.
“Because…”

“C’mon, Raven-”

I cast him a look of dismay. “Why do you even care?”

He shrugged.

“Johnny, my boyfriend if you can call him that. He won’t call. I haven’t heard from him in a month or so. I want to see him, but I have to wait for his call. I just feel shackled.”

A flash of something flickered in his eyes then he blinked. “Ah, that must be fun.”

“Oh, yeah, bunches.”

The side of his mouth lifted in a smile. “SO, who’s Johnny?”

“He’s a lawyer at Benson&Kutler. I met him at some conference. I don’t even remember what the conference was for now.”

“Oh, I’ve heard of that place. Pretty high up isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is. He applied about a year ago and the two had a conference with him and were very impressed. It was a very swell moment when he told me.”

“Swell?” he asked with teasing laughter in his voice.

She grinned. “What’s wrong with swell?”

“Oh, nothing, of course. I rather like the word.”

Raven rolled her eyes. “Sure, sure. Whatever you say.”

He chuckled. “Well, guess I should get back. See you in a little bit,” he said as he started to walk away.

“Quinn?” She spoke.

He turned to look at her.

“Just wanted to say thanks for listening. I feel better. I guess I just didn’t know how much I needed it.”

He smiled knowingly. “Anytime.”
Raven contemplated on the meeting. It had helped. She still wished Johnny would call, but she felt better having talked about it.

She was just surprised that Quinn cared enough to ask. Then again, she was always curious. That was probably it.

*****


Quinn walked back to his office. He had been curious when he walked in and saw her moping. Raven never moped. She was always happy-go-lucky , her beautiful jade eyes alight with joy. Of course it was a guy.
He had kinda lied. He’d actually seen Johnny when he went to talk with a lawyer about preventing being sued. Had seen him and seen his arrogant gait down the hallway. As if he owned the world. Maybe he did. Raven seemed to think the world of him.
He wondered if Johnny ever gave a second thought to his girlfriend that he left just waiting for a simple phone call. Quinn doubted it. The guy probably had enough women vying for his attention that she seldom crossed his mind.
That almost made him angry. As Raven loyally waited for Johnny to give her a call, he was strutting through Benson&Kutler thinking he owned it.
Quinn shook his head. Other people’s personal lives were not his business, he knew. But Raven had opened up to him and he couldn’t help feeling a little protective for her feelings regarding this Johnny. He did see her every day.



After Wednesday, the week flew by for Raven. Thursday was a busy day and today, Friday was not much quieter.
She wanted to go visit Quinn and his patients but back to back appointments kept her at her shop. Luckily it was almost lunch time and she could take a break. She wanted one so badly.
Finally the last appointment before lunch was over and she headed towards Quinn’s side of the building. He seemed to be wrapping up, too from what she heard from the door that was ajar.

“Why, hello, Raven. Are you needing something?” Raven turned to Quinn’s secretary, Linda. Raven smiled and shook her head.

“No, I was just seeing how Quinn was doing. I’ve had such a
busy morning; I haven’t had time to even come over here at all.”

Linda nodded and returned to her work. No smile or Ok or anything? Did I say something wrong? Raven shook her head in confusion and then she heard the door open all they way. Benny, the parrot was squawking as its owner Joe brought it outside.

He looked up and saw her and smiled. “Hey, how’s it going. Didn’t see you this morning.”

“I was so very busy today. I don’t know what it is with Thursdays and Fridays. I wanted to visit, but it was impossible.”

“Same here. I meant to come say hi, but I haven’t stopped yet. I was so relieved to see it was lunchtime.”

“Me too! I am so ready to sit down and take a break.”

He nodded. “How about going to lunch at our usual?”

“Sounds great.”

Quinn took off his lab coat and disposed his gloves. As they headed out the door, Raven thought she saw Linda glowering but she knew it had to be her imagination playing tricks on her.
The sub shop across the street was a welcoming sight to Raven. They had the best sandwiches and lunch meant sitting down and resting.

They came here often, her and Quinn. Being across the street, they could rush over in case of emergency. They had the best of both worlds. Good food, and a clean conscience that they could make it back to the shop if it be necessary.
As they went up to the counter, Julie the usual cashier greeted them. “Hey, Raven, Quinn.”

Raven smiled in return. “Hey, Julie.”

“Hi,” Quinn said.

“What’ll you guys’ have today?” she asked as she fiddled with the computer screen.

“You first, Raven,” Quinn said from behind her.

“OK,” Raven conceded, “I’ll have the #7 and a Dr. Pepper with
that.”

“MmK…that’ll be-”

Quinn cut her off, “I’m buying today,” he said with a smile that
dared Raven to contradict him, “So, I’ll just order, too.”

Julie nodded. She pushed a couple of buttons and looked back up. “What’ll you have?”

“I’ll take the #3 and a Coke.”

She entered it into the keypad and came up with the total, “The total is 13.78.”

Quinn pulled a twenty out of his wallet and handed it to her. While she was getting change, Raven glared at him with mock anger. “You know I don’t like you having to spend money on me.”

He shrugged playfully. “I guess.”

Raven couldn’t suppress her laugh. “Well, I have to thank you. It was a kind thing to do even if I don’t like it.”

Quinn nodded. “You’re welcome.”

They walked to their usual table by the window facing the street. Raven wanted a break form work, but she didn’t mind glancing at her wonderful work place during lunch. She just felt blessed working there. It was a nice feeling.

“So…got a call yet?” Quinn’s question broke her out of her reverie.

“Nope. I’m praying for today. Why?”

He quickly shook his head.

I marveled at the way his copper hair and tan skin brought out his striking eyes.

“Dunno. Just curious,” he replied.

“Guess that was probably the first topic that comes to mind. Raven’s pitiful love life.” She said, recovering herself. What was up with me, anyway? she thought.

Quinn laughed. “Oh yeah. First priority every day.”

Raven smiled. “What about you Quinn. I told you my woes. You have a girlfriend?”

He didn’t answer for a second. She cocked her brow. “Secretive, are we?”

He narrowed his eyes at her with a half smile. “I don’t, no. Now you’re going to wonder why. Right?”

“Wow, Quinn, you’re a genius.”

“Of course. But I don’t much have an answer. I just never took the time- to ask someone. I really don’t know. Work seems to be taking priority. I just opened about a year ago, you know.”

“Yeah, I came along not too long after. But I still take time to live life. It’s fun, you know, to get out and just do something random,” Raven stopped then and frowned.

“What’s wrong?”

“Here I am preaching about going places and I am not even taking my own advice. I keep waiting on Johnny, but maybe I should just go out on my own. And live life, so I call it.”

Quinn bit back a smile after her spiel. He knew she was hurting, but her entertaining sense of humor was obvious even then.

“I don’t know why I don’t go out and do stuff for fun. Just nothing ever sounds that tantalizing. Especially alone.”

“Yes!” she agreed. “That’s it. I like going to fun events and such, but I would rather Johnny take me instead of going by my self. That pretty much sums it up.”

“That’s me, the genius.”

Raven laughed at the reference to her earlier comment. “I’m sure.”

After finishing her sandwich, Raven got up to throw her wrapper away. She felt satisfied. She loved her job, she loved her sandwich, and she loved talking to Quinn. Everything was going so well. She wondered when it would crash and burn. She hoped never.
When she got back to the table, Quinn was just finishing up. He was definitely hard to figure out. Did he think she did not see all the looks he got whenever they came here or entered the lobby? She did. She saw them all. All she had yet to figure out was why he did not have a girlfriend or even date for that matter. And that was a quest she was going to conquer.

Heading home form the shop, Raven mulled over what to do with her Friday night. She did not want to go anywhere. That was already decided. But staying home didn’t hold much appeal either. Raven sighed. Why didn’t Johnny just call? Surely he didn’t expect to call after two months and expect her to still be free. She had a life.
Or did she? She was the one waiting on him. She wanted to be with him, but he was making it impossible.
Pulling up into her driveway, she couldn’t help but feel a little peace knowing that she was home for the weekend. It was a good feeling. She could visit with her two dogs and visit with the television. It should be enough to satisfy anyone…right?
After changing out of her work clothes and fixing a cup of tea, she sat down on the couch and cooed as her dogs come up to her and jumped on the couch beside her. Her dogs, her precious pets. Her only company she thought with a laugh.
Oh, well, she thought, they were better than nothing and she loved them.
She’s been sitting there a few minutes when the phone rang. She gasped and looked at the phone. Oh, please, let it be him she thought as she picked up the receiver. “Hello?”

“Raven?” Raven slumped as she realized that it was not Johnny, but Ryley, her sister. Not that she didn’t love her sister, but…

“Raven, are you there?”

“Yes, yes. It’s me. How are you doing?”

“Oh, fine. I was just calling to see how you were doing.”

“Great, marvelous, fantastic. Friday night at my house.”

Ryley laughed. “Well, why not? You and Johnny should go out.”

“I agree. I just don’t think he does.”

“What? Did you break up?”

“No, no, I just haven’t talked to him since our last date. He hasn’t even called me. I am so desperate for him to call.”

“Aww. Not since the show? Wow, what was that? Three weeks ago?”

“Exactly. I want him to call me. I want to see him, but he just won’t. It’s infuriating.”

“Aww, I sorry. What can I do?”

“If you can find him kidnap him and bring him over here.”

That got a laugh. “I would, but no. Ryan wouldn’t approve.”

“That’s right. How’s it going with you two?”

“Well, I don’t want to kick you while you’re down about Johnny. That would be mean.”
“No, it’s fine. I want to know,” Raven assured her kind-hearted sister.
“Well, it’s going great. I like him fine. I’m satisfied for now.”

“For now?” Raven said with a chuckle.

“Yes. You never know. Someone else could catch my eye. Ryan and I aren’t that serious right now.”

“Ah.”

“I think we’re going out tonight. You should come.”

“No, I don’t want to intrude on you and Ryan. Dates are to be had alone.”

“Well, I don’t want you to have to stay home alone. Not on a Friday night.”

“It’s fine. I’m used to it.”

“Why don’t you ever hang out with that guy at your work? He seems nice enough.”

“Who, Quinn? The vet? I do. We eat lunch together and such.”

“Ah. Well, maybe you should date him. That way you wouldn’t have to miss your boyfriend all the time. You see him everyday.”

Raven almost choked out a laugh at her sister’s naivety. “Yeah, no, I don’t think so. I don’t think I’ll ever date Quinn.”

“And why ever not? He’s perfectly handsome and nice and everything.”

“It’s hard to explain, Ryley. Maybe you should date him. He told me today he didn’t have a girlfriend.”

“He told you this? What do you guys talk about at lunch anyway?”
“Anything and everything, I suppose. I didn’t find it all that odd. After all, I asked him.”

“Oh, really?”

“Oh, shush, Ry, in the context, it wasn’t weird.”

“Well, anyway, if you do happen to get a call from Johnny, then call me. We can double date.”

“Ryley, I think Ryan probably wants you to himself. Isn’t that the purpose of the date?”

“He won’t mind. He loves Johnny. And besides, I’ll just sit with him at the movies and he’ll be fine.”

“The movies, huh? What, are you in high school again?”

“No! That’s not what I mean, Ray. He just holds my hand anyway.”

“Sure, sure.”

“It’s the truth!” she insisted.

Raven laughed at her sister’s defense. And she didn’t care if she broke up with Ryan? Raven found that hard to believe.

“Well, sis, what time’s your date. It’s 6 now.”

“Oh, really? He’s picking me up at 6:30. I’m half-ready. I just wanted to give you a call.”

“Well, thanks, I enjoyed the talk. I guess I’ll see you later. Sunday, right?”

“Yep. I’ll be there. See you then.”

Raven hung up the phone and trudged back to the couch. Why couldn’t Johnny be more like Ryan?
She decided it couldn’t hurt to go to the mall and look for a new dress for church. It was on her to do list. She might as well get it done.
She went back to back to her room and got some mall-worthy clothes on and headed out the door. She pulled out of the driveway and decided a Sonic sounded good. She hadn’t had a Dr Pepper since…lunch. She was definitely due one.
Turns out a lot of people had the same idea. There were 3 empty spaces and she was behind someone pulling in.
And, she thought begrudgingly, the car held a pair. Why did everyone have a faithful boyfriend except her? Was her taste so bad? It hadn’t seemed so the past 6 months. But then again, she’d only seen him a couple of more times that. How would she even know?
She headed towards the mall, wishing she didn’t feel so lonely. Oh well, the mall usually cheered her up.
She got on and went for a B line towards The Limited. She didn’t know any other stores with such stylish, but modest selections.
After only shopping 15 minutes, she found the perfect thing. It was a jade summer dress with décor at the bottom him and a boat neck. It would look perfect with the new jade choker and drop earrings her dad had gave her recently. She smiled in delight. She would wear on her next date with Johnny. Surely he would love it. Hurrying to try it on, she excitedly looked in the four way mirror. It was a dream. It fit to every curve just right and not tight at all. The perfect length, brushing her knees and the sleeves just covered her shoulders. She couldn’t believe her luck. Even a fellow shopper walked by and commented on its perfection.
Raven smiled to herself again and hurried to change. The day was looking a little brighter. Now just some new shoes and she would be happy as a bird, as her dad always liked to tease her about.
She often reminded him it was his fault she was named after a bird. He just laughed.
After paying for the dress, she meandered to the food court. Her stomach was telling her it was supper time.
She walked all the way there with a satisfied smile on her face, ignoring all the curious glances her way. She noted it was mostly guys. What? Was a girl not allowed to be happy? She wanted to shout. She just mentally shrugged. Who cared what they thought.
She got in line at the hamburger place and waited to order. It seemed to drone on forever. Finally she got up to the cashier and gratefully ordered her meal then smiled and thanked the guy. She noticed he looked at her kind of strange, like dazed. Okay, so maybe she should stop being so happy about the dress. The looks were getting a little weird.
She got her order and turned to look for a place to sit. She began walking to a little table near the hamburger place and saw a wave to the right. She looked up and there was Quinn sitting with another guy she had seen at the shop before.
She walked over and he invited her to sit down.
“Hey, Quinn. What are you doing out here?”

“Oh, just wanted to get out of the house, I guess. You?”

“Same. I wanted to get out of the house.”

He nodded. “Well, Raven, this is Tim, one of my friends.”

“Hey, Tim,” Raven greeted warmly opening her hamburger.

“Hello, Raven. So, you’re the pet groomer at Quinn’s building.”

She nodded, her mouth full.

“Well-” Quinn started, “It’s kind of her building, too. She has the other half. The other side really is a separate area. She pays for it.”

Raven shrugged. “I guess. I don’t really care, though, being paired with the building. Probably how I stay in business.”

“Yeah, right,” Quinn said.

Raven laughed and took a drink of her Dr Pepper.

“So, Tim, what do you do?”

“Oh, me? Well, I coach high school basketball at the school that skirts downtown. You know that one?”

“Yeah, I see it when I come down here. That fun?” she said with a hint of laughter.

“Oh, yeah,” he said almost sarcastically, “Yeah, it’s a pretty fun job. I like it, anyway.”
Last edited by mandylynn16 on Sat Mar 29, 2008 12:00 am, edited 3 times in total.
"The test of literature is, I suppose, whether we ourselves live more intensely for the reading of it."
-Elizabeth Drew
  





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Wed Mar 26, 2008 1:20 pm
Heidigirl666 says...



I'd say with some work, this could be quite good, however there are a lot of little mistakes that kind of detract from the quality and the formatting is difficult to read on here.

For posting on forums, try putting a space between each line of dialogue to make it clearer and easier to read-people are also more likely to read and review that way. :wink:

You could also do with more description, and to check over your grammar.

I'll go over the beginning so you can get an idea of what sort of thing needs working on.

On only the third line you've written 'new' instead of 'knew'.

they got a call or she would just show up, hysterical sometime


Maybe just 'she would show up'

'Sometimes', not sometime.

Raven laughed. “No, it’s a tad bit more serious. [s]But it could definitely be normal.[/s] She’s limping.”


That bits unnecessary and doesn't make it make sense. Why could it be normal for a dog to be limping? It implies something isn't normal.

“I know. It’s a surprise. Anyways. Should I come? I don’t have another appointment until 2.”


I'd restructure this to something like 'I know, it's a surprise. Anyway, should I come? I don't have another appointment until two.'

Contrary to opinion, anyways is not a word. Write small numbers in words; using numbers is usually only appropriate for years or something like '50 million'. :wink:

Before they even reached the door, they could hear Mrs. Priestley’s voice talking to Jayne.
[s]Sometimes Raven wondered is the lady was OK mentally.[/s]


Clumsy, and the tense suddenly changes.

“I’m fine. I’m actually worried about Jayne.”
“Of course. Dr. Quinn is here to look over Jayne.”


We have already established that; as Raven has already told the vet about this, surely the woman has already told her that?

He got in and shut the door behind him. “Well,” he started.


'went in', and 'started' isn't right as a speech tag here.

Overall, try and avoid repetition. You repeat 'Raven' and 'Quinn' more times than I can count.

Avoid having 'he said', 'she said' on every line. It's repetitive and soon gets rather irritating. All of the places where you've used '-' should be commas too. Check gramma, punctuation and tenses and the paragraphing is a bit all over the place. The second section of the first piece is also rambling and inconsistent. Check for contradictions and be careful about infodumping. Don't tell us things, show us.

The dialogue could do with some work too; it comes across as stilted and awkward in a lot of places. It needs to be more relaxed to make it more natural.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. ~Flannery O'Connor
  





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Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:49 am
sokool15 says...



Hey there!

I really loved this piece. It wasn't flawless, as the person above me pointed out, but it was still very engaging, kept your interest to the very end, and I WANT MORE!!! Pm me when you post more?

My one negative comment would be that it seems slightly predictable as far as the romance plot goes. However, there's a reason that the plot is popular...it's sweet and fun to read. However, try to put as much originality into it as you can.

Oh, one other thing...at first I was confused as to what Raven was doing. Was she a secretary to the doctor or something? It wasn't until later that it became clear that she owned a separate business in the same building.

Please continue!
Aurevoir, MademoiselleKool 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
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Thu Mar 27, 2008 4:13 am
Angel of Death says...



I really think that this has promise...its just that
1. It really needs to be spaced out more
2. I want to hear more descriptions you know like Quinn was handsome with golden blond hair and warm ocean green eyes.
3. Maybe give the reader a chance to see from the POV of the MC.

I love romantic stories and I think that this could be interesting. You build the chemistry between Quinn and Raven well...just add and take away somethings and you'll be in business. Please PM if you make any changes.
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.
  





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Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:39 pm
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KJ says...



I began to read it, but the spacing hurt my eyes. I did get to the part where she told the guy the dog had a limp, and she laughed. I thought that was inconsistent, since she's apparently the most worrisome dog-owner ever ad she seems care-free and unconcerned.

But maybe it's just me.

So I didn't get any father than that. Sorry. My eyes sting.
  





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Sat Mar 29, 2008 3:15 pm
KJ says...



Hey. Yeah, great job with editing. I read the whole thing.

Overall impression: It wasn't bad. Interesting. I liked the wry tone you had throughout it, and you were consistent with it, so good job on that.

You have some great character development in here. And there's a nice build-up for an plot.

Only thing I would say in advice would be to add a little drama to it. It's not dull, exactly, but it does have a slow pace.

Good job. Keep writing.
  





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Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:15 pm
Angel of Death says...



I am half way through this. Lovely improvements, can't wait to read more. :D
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.
  





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Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:46 pm
Angel of Death says...



You should put Raven's thoughts in italics and separate them from the paragraphs. I like how you don't just rush into things...keep writing.
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.
  





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Mon Mar 31, 2008 10:40 pm
myfreindsavamp says...



hey, this is great!!!
There are a few spelling misstakes....I forgot witch ones....^,^

-em
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
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Fri Apr 04, 2008 11:41 pm
JackBauerHasABaldSpot says...



I like this, but it is certainly not void of error. However, kudos for the pacing and the restraint on info-dumping. Compared to some stories I've seen, yours stands out.

There is a small problem with your dialogue: some of it is very unnecessary. The call between the sister and Raven could have been cut short, or perhaps not even included, and the purchase details about Raven and Quinn's lunch was simply unwelcome. Also, I can excuse Raven and Ryley as names because perhaps their parents desired a pattern, but Ryan and Ryley is not creative at all as a couple name.

Also present is some confusion with pronouns. Sometimes I know who's doing what, and then it's just guessing. Fix it.

As others said, reiteration is only good in small doses. You began two parts of the story almost identically ("Raven mulled..."). Perhaps you don't need to rewrite it; just use a synonym.

In my opinion, there's not enough description present. Elaborate on the freshness of the building or the mood present. This is mostly action and what's said. Readers need more than that: they need a whole world created.

Despite these, though, your situations are admirable: believable. I actually like and almost recognize your characters, and your style is a step above the immature type that's almost quick gossip with spell check. Edit your story well enough, and I see something great appearing.

But while you're editing, I'd love a continuation.
"...some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright."
-The Shawshank Redemption
  








And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.
— Bartimaeus of Uruk