Young Writers Society

*bows* Thanks for reading. It's been fun.

^_^ Keek out!

1. Yes, I could tell it was a she right away and she seemed pretty darn realistic. If it were me, I might play up the "I can't believe this is happening to me" and general shock factor, but as it is she comes across as relatively calm and a pretty normal girl caught in crazy circumstances.

2. My two main questions were "Where are we?" (i.e. where was she kidnapped from--the "company laptop" thing threw me off, I thought we were at her dad's work or something) and "How old is she?" From the maturity of the inner dialog, I'd guess a late teen or 20-something, but they call her a "girl" (which, to be fair, could just mean a "female") and you never really give any definite proof one way or the other.

3. Yes, of course I want more! First because I have a special place in my heart for kidnapping stories and second because it's you!


Only one thing in the writing that really jumped out at me:

Silence signed in the vehicle

Eh?


Overall, though, quite enjoyable and I'm hooked!

Hello! Here comes a nit-picky review!

Even wrapped up in sheets, which I was, the confusion in the getaway driver's voice was obvious.

I’d ditch this, and get rid of the two commas before and after.

dropped me roughly on what I could only assume was a pile of out stuff.

Could: you mixed up your tenses.

What did you mean to put where out is? Our?

If she assumes it is something, let her assume. You don’t assume something is ‘stuff.’

Distantly, I think I heard heard the shrill scream of a fire detector going off.

Heard: typo.

I think: I would get rid of this (and the comma before it,) but if you don’t, think should be thought.

I’d never appreciated how loud that alarm was.

I’d add ‘before’ after this.

the driver seemed to have noticed the same thing I was appreciating, and the car squealed as it tore away

Appreciating: Too repetitive. You use this right before.

I wondered if they’d taken my dad’s company laptop, though it seemed irrelevant now. I tried to think, but all I could do was tell myself I was dreaming. People don’t don’t get kidnapped in the middle of the night, not in real life. Right?

Laptop: Why this in particular? Does it have lot’s of useful info? Is that why she was kidnapped?

Don't: Tense mix-up.

would be found out and have the police on their tail, or they’d get away. Somehow, I suspected their hopes weren’t exactly the same as mine on this point. Had there not been a gag in my mouth, I might have told them what I hoped would happen to them.

Or: typo.

Last sentence: Eh, I don’t really like this. Is there any other place you can explain this? When she’s struggling against her bonds, maybe?

We figured if you ransom the girl it’ll make up for it.

Um, isn't ransom payment? Can you use it in a sentence this way, as a verb (is it being used as a verb?) Sorry, I'm a little confusing here.

chuckles died and a stunned silence settled in the car—or maybe it was a van. I assumed that with that many people in it and all of our valuables

Van: Shouldn’t this be obvious to her? There are BIG differences between a van and a car.

stopped and my blood ran cold. Kill me?

This might just be me, but doesn’t your blood stop moving around if your heart stops? Even if I’m wrong, I don’t like this part too much. It slow it down. I’d make a full stop at stopped.

building up inside me was sending my heart hammering in my chest.

You describe her heart a lot. Can you use any other descriptions instead?

I suddenly wanted to cry.

She didn’t before?

So what do you suggest we do then?

I suggest ‘do with it?’ Just to show how heartless he is, referring to her as ‘it’ or ‘the body.’

She hasn’t seen our faces…” suggested the timid one.

Our: typo.

Timid one: We can tell (he acts timid with his speech,) no need to tell us.

Its proximity startled me, making me jump in my skin.

Its: No apostrophe.

Startled me: You show us this; any other way to word it?

I assumed he must have nodded or shrugged.

He: typo.

next state as soon as we get rid of all this crap.

I thought they didn’t find anything good? And to fit six people and junk in a van is hard; is it a moving van? If so, how would she hear the driver? Hmm…

would live to appreciate how boring my life had been.

I don’t like this part to much. Anyway to tell (or imply) this earlier, or later on (probably later, actually,) and end with a bang? Maybe make a full stop after shut, but add one more detail about her physical appearance when she hears this in that sentence?

1. Yes, I could tell it was a she; you said ‘her’ plenty of times. I kind of liked her, but I don’t feel for her. She makes no attempt to get out, we see no struggle, we don’t see her view. This is a TERRIFYING thing to happen, yet she could just be watching a scary movie. Try to think about what you would feel like/do if you were kidnapped, then apply it (not completely, though ) to her.

2. I wasn’t too confused. I want to know why this is happening, but I’m assuming you will explain later (something with her father…?) I’d just try to develop the bad guys a bit more; I only really got a sense for the driver and knife-guy.

3. Yes, I would. Just read my last quote comment, because I tell you there. If you fix up that sentence, I think you will end well, and make people read on.

Overall, I really liked it. Just work on the emotions a bit better, and make the other three bad guys a little more distinct (they kind of all melted together in my head…) and it will be great!

Good luck! PM me with any questions at all. (This was probably confusing; I wrote the comments in Word with comments and track changes, then transferred it to here.

~JFW1415

Thanks guys!

gyrfalcon, methinks you're right about the age thing. I will try and de-maturify her, since she's supposed to bed 16/17. Also: Thanks for reading! It makes me feel all special that you seem to like my writing.

JFW1415, thanks for the nit-picking. I'll make those changes to the file asap and update this post. I think you're right about her personality/emotions, my biggest issue with my MC is she feels very flat now that I re-read the story. But I'm glad you liked it. XD

Now, if I can just stop myself from fixing this before I finished my... o.O 4 projects due on monday, I should be okay. =P

All right; good luck with that.

I like the age you chose. It does show in certain parts, but it should be clearer. If a character's age isn't clear, I always just assume 15, no idea why.

Also, why is this in the Romance section?

=P Because it's a romance story, it's just not evident in these first two pages. In fact, the whole romance it pretty to slow progress (page-wise), for all that (when reading) it happens fast enough.

As you can see, I don't do romances much, so I have no idea if you're supposed to introduce the romantic elements right away or not.

Note to self: never post parts in different posts. You don't like it.

*moves part two the first post*

=P Waste of space, no?

1) the MC is very realistic, i like how she considers grabbing the knife or running but is choked by her own fear which is probably something that happens a lot. her fear of her captor is intriguing too.

2)the captor is mysterious, and I want to find out his background. good job on him, i like how he doesn't speak and is very... forceful. I mean he burns the sheet for pete's sake! can't wait for more on him

3) i like it very much. you have a good setup already and the writing is, of course, fantabulous!

PM me when the next ch. is out! please!

XD Look! The beginnings of an update list! *does a happy dance* Somehow, I feel insanely special when people ask to be told when I update.

I'm glad you liked the fear of her captor, I was worried it was a bit over the top. =P

1- I think that the MC is very realistic. I love how she considers various methods of escape, but then decides based on her obsevations of her captor and surroundings.

2- Very shady character. I think you formed his character really well. You're leaving me wondering what his motives are and what exactly he's going to do next.

3- I really like it. You have a good start and your writing is wonderful. I can't wait for the next part!!

Hey, just a quick side note. When I look at a story, I first check to see how many reviews it has. If it has a bunch, I won't edit it.

Basically, if you post all of your sections in one post, some people may ignore it.

Also, people can no longer review on previous sections.

Just a suggestion. I shall edit later on, maybe tonight if I have time.

EDIT: Slow romance is good, I just wasn't sure where it will fit in. The girl and her captor?

>.< Yeah, I thought of those things just after I posted the second part. I won't do that for the next chapter. =P *will do like she did for DoaV and put all parts in the first post or put parts in separate threads*

Yes! Captive and captor love. Though if you check out my progress journal once it gets started, you will see there are some major issues with this version (original) of the story. But maybe if I get enough people to like the beginning, they'll help me through fixing the ending. ^_^

I'll continue critiquing, just let me know when you get new ones up.

Also, if it is captive/captor love, make sure it is VERY slow. That can go wrong in a heartbeat. Also, make sure you develop their ages well, so we don't think the girl's 13 and the captor is 45.

~JFW1415

"Just drive!" growled the one who'd threatened me with the knife. Distantly, heard the shrill scream of a fire detector going off. The neighbors would be awake any second—I’d never appreciated how loud that alarm was before.

Distantly, I heard

Funny. I like the last bit.

People didn’t get kidnapped in the middle of the night, not in real life. Right?

This bit seems very realistic. I think it's probably one of the first things that you'd think of, although I haven't been kidnapped before.

It was quiet for a while. If the movies were right, this was the moment of truth.

Moment of truth? I don't really get it. What moment of truth?

Somehow, I suspected their hopes weren’t exactly the same as mine on this point. I might have told them what I hoped would happen to them; but with a gag in my mouth I figured it would be a waste of time. That, or they’d understand what I said and get angry.

Funny again! You have a lot of humour in your writing. I like that.

They drove without stopping for quite a while before anyone said anything.

I would re-write this sentence. It's not that you don't need it, although I don't think it's that important, but it just sounds boring. Perhaps, We drove on for ages, with no breaks, and it was a long time before anybody broke the silence.

“What’s in the sheets?’ the driver asked—at least I assumed it was the driver, which, counting the four that had broke into my house, brought the count up criminals up to five.

Just a little error, you put ' instead of "

“A girl,” said the one with the knife. I could still see the blade dancing in my mind’s eye, reminding me to behave.

I like it. Very nice description. Unfortunately, it makes me think a sharp knife in my eyes, which I don't like quite so much.

“And have them hunt you down for murder? Idiot!” I relaxed slightly, but the fear building up inside me was sending my heart hammering in my chest.

I love the little bits of great description you slip in here.

“She could identify us by our voices. Not to mention you idiots touched her, so there might be plenty of DNA they could use to find us.”

You haven't really said anything about their voices that would make them indentifiable, unless I missed it. Perhaps add something in at the beginning, so we thing this is possible.

‘Hey, you remember all those times I complained my life was boring and asked for a little more adventure? I take it back! Really, I do.’

That is exactly what I would be thinking... I think. Anyway, it's funny.

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Feedback questions
1) What do you think of the MC? Is she (could you tell it was a she??) realistic? Consistant? Suggestions?
Yes, I think I could tell it was a girl. I think you kept saying, she, or something. Or, it just sounded like a girl. She seemed like any kid, although when you mentioned her dad's laptop, I started to think that maybe her dad did something important, and she was a little more well off than a normal kid.

2) Due to Keek skipping a part, there's some general information missing that might make this scene confusing. If you were confused by missing details/explanations, please point out where/what.
No, I wasn't confused by anything. Why? What did you skip?

3) Would you want to see more of this story? If not, why?
Seeing as it's in Romance, not so much, but so far there's no Romance, and I'm intriuged. So yes, I do want to see more.


I'll do part two soon!

I had dozed off, as unlikely as that sounds. I woke as the door slid open. Unlike at my house, I was alert right away.

These sentences seem very disjpined. I think you should join them up, like, As unlikely as it sounds, I dozed off for a while, waking up when the door slid open. And unlike when I woke in my own house, this ime I was awake straight away.

resigned

Is that spelt right? I'm too lazy to find out, but it doesn''t looke right.

alarmingly unmoving

This sounds very weird to me. Maybe just unmoving.

he wasn’t dress all in black, something that hadn’t registered back at my house. Not that it mattered. He had on black pants and a dark blue shirt—it looked almost as if he was dressed for a meeting.

dressed

a kidnapped looked like.

kindnapper

but my words died under his gaze His expression was sort of blank, but his eyes drilled a hole right through me. I shivered unwillingly, trapped as if he’d pinned me where I stood. A moment later, he looked away and I quickly looked at the ground.

but my words died under his gaze. His experssion

I think this bit could be written bette. It sounds as if you're just tryng to get words down at this point.

For some reason, I was certain he had good knife throwing skills.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! That's is soooooooo funny!!!!!!

I searched my surrounding and felt disappointment and despair sink in. We were in an empty parking lot, which was bordered by c chain fence on two sides. The third side lead to what looked like a gym, and the fourth led to the street. The bad news was how very open all of this looked; there was nowhere to hide if it turned out he did have some ninja skills. Even though there were houses lining the opposite side of the street, they seemed dead. Would anyone hear me scream?

I searched my surroundings and let (I think it fits better than felt) disappointment and despair sink in. We were in an empty parking lot, which was bordered by a chain fence on two sides. The third side lead (I always get confused, but I think this should be led) to what looked like a gym, and the fourth led to the street. The bad news was how very open all of this looked; there was nowhere to hide if it turned out he did have some ninja skills. Even though there were houses lining the opposite side of the street, they seemed dead. Would anyone hear me scream?

But be didn’t attack me, instead, he picked up the knife started waking towards the street.

walking

I hurried t follow him,

to


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Feedback questions
1) How's the MC doing? =P
Well in the story she doesn't seem to be doing very well, and I can't say I love her. She's okay, and I want to know more about her.

2) Your opinion of her captor?
Well, I don't know very much about him, but right now the words coming to mind are, tall, dark and handsome, and that's not really the person I like. But you now, we haven't seen the extent of his evil. I want him to talk more. And he's a pyromaniac, that gives him bonus points! Yay for fire!

3) Your opinion of the plot/writing style thus far?

So far, I'm a little interested to kow what happens. I think part one was better in the writing style. This part started to bore me a little. But I do want to keep reading.