i really enjoyed this peice and i cant wait to read more from you ande specially this story. I loved how you made it sound so sympathetic but in the way that at least she remembers her father and how you refereed to 'tears coming as easily as breathing'. i loved it, loved it, LOVED IT! So well wrotten. good job sweet'eart.I could feel it because when I woke up I felt as if I were freezing to death.
This is a little awkward sounding. You can use because in this kind of literature, but I've found it normally bogs down the flow of the story. I've used it before though, and everyone has a different writing style.
Also, you're not explaining why your MC could feel it, but why she knew it was cold. You have feel in the first part of the sentence and felt in the second, which is a hint in case you ever come across it again.
I draped my cover over my body as I went to my window; gazing at the dull sight lying before me.
Okay, semicolons are only used for beginning a new independant clause (basically a sentence like "I was there." with a subject and a verb.) without a period or a conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so). You can also use semicolons for a list like you do commas if it's really long. I have no idea why.
The semicolon you have there is seperating an independant clause and a dependant clause (meaning it needs an independant clause to make sense). What I'm saying is, you need a comma instead of semicolon.
I saw a few mistakes later on where you forget the comma in a similar sentence. Look for it when you're proof-reading.
Of course he also caused the white streak of hair that adorned my hair,Spoiler
Of is a preposition, and there are all kinds of prepositions. A preposition, creates a prepositional phrase, which is always a dependant clause. If you have a dependant clause at the beginning of a sentence, you always put a comma after it. In this case, after course. Never put a comma before a dependant clause if it's at the end of a sentence.
“Roe, come here and sit on my lap” he said waving me over to him.
When following quotes with "I said" or whatever, you have to have a comma after the last word in the quote, but before the last quotation mark. Watch for this when you're rereading it because I saw this a few times.
I turned to him only looking into his eyes so I could see my own reflection.
When you have two independant clause connected by a conjunction, you have to put a comma before the conjunction. Here you put it before so.
“I’m going to tell you something and never want you to forget this” he said.
You repeat said a lot. Mix it up by making it "he murmured in that quiet way Father had always had." Make it your own as well. There are so many other words for said it's hard to choose one sometimes.
I squinted my eyes in confusion, “O-k.”
You don't have a "she said, sighed, answered," so you have to have a period not a comma. There's nothing that connects it to the dialouge.
“Alright, then you can do
Do what?
“I will” I said. I hopped off his lap and headed for the door. You need a new paragraph here.“One more thing” he called.
Tears came as naturally as breathing I cried for at least an hour.
This is a run-on. You need a period, semicolon, or a conjunction after breathing and before I.
I felt like my heart was turned to stone and shattered to pieces.
Was should be had. I don't really have an explanation for that one. You can celebrate.
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