Jonah In the Night- Chapter Three

Hello. Please read Prologue-Chapter Two before hitting this segment. Review honestly, because herein lies the twist.


Chapter Three. I forgot

A stark buzz greeted my ears. In a sea of white above me was a vent, pushing cold air onto my face. Drafts swirled around me. Dazed, I fell off the small, sheeted platform… a bed?

Last thing I knew was… the tree- the workout tree. How am I here? Where is here?

On me were white pants, a white shirt, even white socks. Who would have...?

I noticed that the floor was white, like the ceiling. The bed was white as well, stark white- all of it. Panicked, I realized the white walls, door-less… no, wait, there’s the door!

I rushed the rough outline that I assumed was the door. As I braced for impact, my nerves numbed. My chest, shoulders and elbows exploded in pain when I made contact. Neck whiplashing, body tensing, I fell backwards- stunned and confused. The door was whitely glossed, cold steel. What is this place?

I stood up and gazed around the room. It was a white, white, white box, with no discernible escape. The bed offered no hope as I laid on its mess of tough springs coated in ghostly sheets.

I worked through the implications of this- through what I did know and did not know, through the events of the past days. There was so much; there was Adara.

Then I remembered. Suddenly, I realized the absurdity of everything I’d done, and the mindlessness of my most recent waking. I had loved her too quickly; I had failed. Adara was the enemy. I was not fully loyal to my father after all. He had hired me to... what was it!? No, no, it wasn't a job, it was- it was, just... home?

Suddenly, I felt at home in the room, like I'd been in it on various occasions, right before jobs. My fingers flexed into a fist. Jobs.

She’d reeled me in fast. If I weren’t at the pavilion, she would’ve killed me.

The sedatives slogged in me again, this time with less potency. The story would be different for a time, whereas I could be real. My father was waiting.

A speakerphone called out, “We’ll put you back now, Jonah. You’ll remember this time.”

'Lo again Formslipper!

This was a short chapter!
And I would love to see this developed. It seemed rushed, like you were in a hurry to get across facts. That shouldn't be. Work on it, add more so that we understand what Jonah's going through. I'm quite enjoying this story and I should like to read more.
So, first thing, obviously he's in a shock and getting up. He shouldn't be asking so little questions. When you wake up from a coma, your head is abuzz with a billion questions. Your confused. You're curious. You're scared. You're shocked. You need to show us all these emotions coming from Jonah. Show it to us before he realizes what;s going on.

The white surroundings! I have a story based on that; and I was given advice on getting your MC to react to the white. With all this white you might find some pattern/crevice. Use the white to your potential. Show us how he realizes which part of the white is the door.

If I werenwasn’t at the pavilion, she would’ve killed me.

So, basically, all this needs is more description, and insight into Jonah.

Cheers!

I read it, Lava. Thank you for the insight; thank you for the review.

I'm not sure if I want to make this longer, because it truly is a short time frame. And, his questions are few because he isn't very lucid. Is there a way to legitimize this segment's shortness? Perhaps, a different aura or a simple rewrite?

It's good to see more of Jonah, it's been a while!

Like Lava said this was quite a short chapter. I get that he's confused on his whereabouts, but I want more. He started going on about Adara being the enemy and how he'd betrayed his father, I found that to be a bit confusing. How was Adara suddenly the enemy? How had he betrayed his father, was it by his leaving or what?

And was he panicking? I didn't read that well if he was, and what was he wearing? Had they changed his clothes? Taken his shoes? Wallet? Anything?

As always it's a good read and flows well, other than that, I have no major criticism. Can't wait to see more in Chapter 4.

Grandison

I read it. Thanks for the review! I'll change it now...

Done.

Darn it, everyone else got here before me. x)

So, Lava and Grandison basically caught everything. The only other nitpick that I could find was that you use "white" a lot to describe the room that Jonah's in. Maybe you could try switching up your description a bit?

The ending also kinda confused me, but I'm almost positive that everything will be explained in later chapters.

And, like everyone else said before me, this HAS to be longer.

- Jelly

sorry for the lateness x)

Chapter Three. I forgot

A stark buzz greeted my ears I have no clue what a ‘stark buzz‘ is. So already in the beginning, I‘m confused. In a sea of white above me was a vent, no comma pushing push is a vague verb. Blowing gusts of cold air would be a step better, I think. cold air onto my face. Drafts swirled around me Drafts of air, I‘m assuming. So, a vent was pushing cold air onto your face while more gusts of air were blowing all around you? I‘m just trying to put the scene into my head. . Dazed, I fell off the small, sheeted platform… a bed? This sounds a bit over dramatized with the … a bed?? Plus, you just fell off? I’m assuming you probably rolled off, but for all we know you could’ve been pushed off.Overall, I would re-work this opening paragraph x) Last thing I knew was… the tree- the workout tree. How about just ’my workout tree’? How am I here? Where is here?

On me were white pants, a white shirt, and even white socks. Who would have...?

I noticed that the floor was white, like the ceiling. The bed was white as well, stark white- all of it. Panicked, I realized the white walls, door-less… no, wait, there’s the door! This last sentence doesn’t do anything for me. It just seems a little silly.
I rushed towards the rough outline that I assumed was the door Eh, rough outline? I can‘t picture this either. Are you saying that the door was hard to see in the sea of white, or that you could only see the hinges or… I don‘t know, I have no idea what this is supposed to mean x) . As I braced for impact, my nerves numbed So you ran for the door so fast that you had to brace yourself for the impact of hitting said door. The picture in my head is pretty hilarious. A boy is freaking out and throwing himself up against doors, or rather, the rough outlines of doors… . My chest, shoulders and elbows exploded in pain when I made contact. Neck whiplashing I think it‘s two words: whip lashing, or whip-lashing, body tensing, I fell backwards- stunned and confused. The door was whitely glossed, cold steel. What is this place? So he’s able to know what metal it is made out of? How? Especially if it was painted over, how was he supposed to tell what it was?
I stood up and gazed around the room. It was a white, white, white I think by now we get that the room is W-H-I-T-E. box, with no discernible escape well, boxes are generally cubes… . The bed offered no hope as I laid on its mess of tough springs coated in ghostly sheets.

I worked through the implications I don’t think ‘implications’ is the right word. of this- through what I did know and did not know, through the events of the past days. There was so much; there was Adara.

Then I remembered. Suddenly, I realized the absurdity of everything I’d done, and the mindlessness of my most recent waking. I had loved her too quickly; I had failed. Adara was the enemy. I was not fully loyal to my father after all. He had hired me to... what was it!? No, no, it wasn't a job, it was- it was, just... home? So far I’m not getting it.
Suddenly, I felt at home in the room, like I'd been in it on various occasions, right before jobs. My fingers flexed into a fist. Jobs.

She’d reeled me in fast. If I weren’t at the pavilion, she would’ve killed me. Adara? What is he talking about?
The sedatives slogged in me again, this time with less potency. The story would be different for a time, whereas I could be real. My father was waiting. grrr I don’t get any of this!
A speakerphone called out, “We’ll put you back now, Jonah. You’ll remember this time.” this would be a nice cliffhanger, but I have no idea what’s going on so I’m left a bit frustrated.

I sure left a lot of comments for a such short post x) haha, I hope they were of some help!

Since I know you’d want me to be honest, I’m not a fan of this chapter. Everything was going along great, and I was looking forward to seeing what you had in store, but these twists seem really confusing and dramatic.
I would’ve thought he’d have a different reaction to this situation than panicking and throwing himself around like he did. It just makes him seem a little daft. I might’ve gained a little more respect for him if he sat on his bed and tried to reason through the situation logically or something. So his character in this chapter was not at all reflecting what you made him out to be in the previous chapters.
The description was stereotypical. How many times have you heard of ‘the white room’? A room, white walls, white bed, white…everything…how frightening! Eh, no, not anymore. It’s grossly overused, like a dark dungeon or a city of trees in a fantasy world. We’ve all heard of it before. So if you can think of any way to make this more originally horrific, go for it. Right now, it just feels bland. In my opinion.

So, I won’t be tearing this apart for you anymore x) I already feel a bit bad about what I posted because I really do love your writing and your style and just the way you’ve made me smile while reading your story But I had to be brutally honest because I know that’s what you’re looking for x)
If you have any questions, as always, please let me know!
~blacksheep

I read it. Yeah, I know. This was my way of cutting the story short. Stay posted for the first chapter of Endless Fantasy, probably in a week or so.