The Stargazer {Part 1}

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I keep getting ideas for better novels and forget the old ones......
this is a cross between fantasy and romance, but I characterized it as fantasy


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The Stargazer

PART 1: The Battle, The Coming and The Leaving

Prologue:
The flag speared the ground. It billowed up from the red, burnt, hot land. It blew in the hot wind. “Truce…. Truce” a cracked, pained woman’s voice sang over the dry land, the blistering wind carrying the message to another place, another world. The people who stood by the large silver kissing gate; looking at the waving flag in disbelief, then began to cheer “truce truce!” Another voice, whole and healthy sang in rejoice repeating the word deep into the night: “truce! Truce! Truce!”


One:
“No! No, I refuse,” Aniline Grace’s voice rang through the corridor standing at the end facing her mother, hands on her hips.
“The Moon-ones are sworn maidens and I will not break that tradition,” Aniline threw her black braid across her shoulder.


“ that law was changed years ago!”
Her mother Celica’s face was hard and cold.
“You never take into account what I want!” Aniline yelled “You watch that mouth Aniline Grace!”

the shouts echoed down the long hallway reaching the ears of the servants who scuttled out of sight to whisper about the newest gossip. Aniline turned on her heel and stomped towards the west tower “where are you going” said her mother, gliding gracefully behind her “away from you” Aniline sped up and finally reached the large oak door, throwing it open, slamming it behind her.

~
“It’s not like she understands” Aniline said to her best friend, sitting in her room in the west tower eating frozen blueberry yogurt. “I know” Eleanor (Ella) said soothingly “I know” Aniline swung her feet around to sit up on her bed “so what are you wearing to the social?” Aniline said; quickly changing the subject “I thought it was canceled since you know the declaration” “oh right” Aniline, said nodding her head fast. “Yeah” Ella stood up: empty blueberry flavored yogurt cups falling to the moonstone floor. “Well I better go” Ella grabbed her coat, swung it over her shoulder “I’ll see you at school” running quickly out the door. Aniline heard her high-heels clattering down the steps.

Aniline’s head was spinning with thoughts, memories.

She was two again. Her mother young, happy, sweet. Her Father running with them, running so fast “I have to get you away,” he had said, kissing their foreheads. “They’ll come after you next...” “But” her mother tried to argue “shh…” he put his finger on her lips, then kissed her. “ Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.” She turned, tears running down her face. “Okay.” That had been the last time Aniline Grace had set eyes on her father.

Tears flowed freely down Aniline’s face, these memories; had been pushed aside, forgotten. Yet they had never stopped haunting her dreams… She shook her head trying to get the image of her father, standing there at death’s door. NO! she thought fiercely: standing up, walking to her desk and sitting down to her pale blue laptop.

A message popped up, as soon as she flipped the switch: the lime green font searing Aniline’s eyeball with brightness.

Hello Aniline Grace,
I hear you had an argument with your mother. Well at midnight tonight, an owl will deliver you a parcel. What you do with it is up to you. But be careful. Sometimes secrets are more dangerous than a nuclear bomb.


“Okay….” Said Aniline slowly shaking her head “okay… we are not doing homework tonight” she flipped the switch on the desktop and turned. She walked slowly to her bay window and looked out onto a silver stone courtyard. More memories flooded her mind:

“Jeremy, please don’t leave me.” “I have to, gorgeous.” Her face blushed; that nickname never ceased to bring blood to her cheeks. “But you know she is becoming stronger again. I’ll need you.” Jeremy kissed her. “I love you Aniline Grace…” he turned, “I can make her approve of you!” Aniline yelled, “We can run away!” “Never look back!” “you're lying Aniline, you wouldn’t leave. Not with the moon weak and the sun strong. Not yet at least.” Tears flowed down her cheeks. “please,” he kissed her again and whispered in her ear “good bye, my Aniline…”

She could feel more tears surfacing, and fought to force them down. She stared hard out, into the courtyard then gasped

“Jeremy” No! It can’t be! You just see him because your thinking about him. Never the less, she pulled a silver satin pullover on and ran down to the courtyard. When she reached it, she saw him as handsome as ever. “Jeremy?” she called, he turned and smiled his dazzling smile. “Oh my, it’s really you!” she screamed running forward into his embrace…






Two:
“Hello gorgeous” he said his arms going round her waist as if they had never left. “It’s really you” she repeated, “Really you” “yes” he kissed her cheek “miss me?” Aniline didn’t answer: just breathed in the faint scent of his cologne. Don’t let this moment end. Please don’t let this be a dream… she prayed. He pulled away, too quickly to suit Aniline. “So...” his face took on a bemused expression and maybe a little hurt too. “ Is it true you’re getting married?” Aniline blushed and pushed farther away from him sitting on a bench, hard. “NO!” she yelled; the anger at her mother and her demands resounding through the garden “she’s forcing me or trying to. I tried the old ‘maiden’ trick but it didn’t work. Probably because she knows I love you.” He laughed and sat beside her “so it’s a lie?” he looked as if he was a six-year-old promised candy if he believed her, but it went against his better judgment. “Yes, you have to believe me!” she wrapped her arms around his neck and looked into his sea green eyes. “Yes, it’s a total lie” she kissed him and closed her eyes, hoping all the emotions coursing trough her veins would leave: except for the love, she felt for Jeremy. “But how do I know for sure?” “Would I be here if it wasn’t true?” “Would I be kissing you?” he shook his head slowly, leaning in close and said, “I have something for you.” “What?” he handed her a small white velvet box. Inside there was a silver necklace, a fairy with glossamer wings and a silver flower headdress. “I love it,” said Aniline, tears rolling down her pale cheeks. In answer, he leaned in close, for another kiss…
~
“Run away with me” his whisper blew cold air against her cheek: he had always been able to do that: his dad being the god of winter and all. “Why?” “Well, since you’re the moon princess and everything I think they’ll be after you first.” “You’re talking about the sun and her minions aren’t you?” she said, he looked at her as if to say ‘duh’ “well of course. You would be safer with me. I’d never let anything happen to you.” “don’t try to sweet talk me Jeremy.” His eyes pleaded, “I’ll think about it… Come to my room at, one and we’ll see” she sighed and leaned forward, about to kiss him. Then didn’t. That way, she thought as she ran back to her tower, I can see what that message meant by ‘parcel’.

Three:
Aniline threw silver dress after silver dress into her bag. Midnight was nearing. She had decided to go with Jeremy, but every minute a new worry surfaced in her mind what if Mother is so worried about me, she forgets everything else? What if we’re killed and I never come home? What if … A hoot interrupted her thoughts, Rushing to the window, she threw open her shutter and felt a small soft package land in her upturned palm. She gripped it hard and backed away from the window: clutching the package.
She pulled the paper away from it: and gasped. “It’s beautiful” a small porcelain figurine: half-gold, half silver. The gold half was dressed in gold pants and tunic: with a red belt around it’s waist. Red devil horns stuck out of its golden hair and ruby boots sparkled on its foot. A red tail snaked round its arm like a snake, and its face was grim and mean. The other half wore a silver Maiden gown (empire waist), with a cloak of sea-blue fabric tied around its shoulder. Silver laurels sat on its black curls and amethyst/sapphire jewels hung from its arm and neck. “It’s lovely,” she repeated staring in rapture. I wonder what this means? She thought wonderingly “It is, isn’t it?” a raspy, guttural voice whispered from the corner of her room. “Who said that?” “Why me of course” Aniline fell back against her wardrobe feeling faint. What’s wrong with me? I felt fine a minute ago. “soo fairrrrr” hissed the voice: lisping like a snake. “Who are you?” Aniline said backing slowly to the door. Praying Jeremy would walk up the tower steps; come to save her. “Your boyfriend is detained at the moment,” the voice said. As it read her mind, Aniline began to feel even weaker, JEREMY! Her mind screamed Jeremy! “Not feeling good?” the voice said as Aniline slid against the wall, slowly to the floor. “It’s my presence. My aura.” The voice hissed: hot air blowing against Aniline’s cheek. “For I am the daughter of the sun…” Aniline felt hot pain pierce through her chest: writhing on the floor she tried to think. But she felt foggy. So foggy. Then one thought surfaced in her dull brain. If she affects me I affect her. She groped inside herself: trying to wake the numb part of her brain. She screamed and silver light flashed: filling the room with beams of moon light. “AHHHH” said the raspy voice and Aniline’s body started working again...

“Aniline!” a shout, a scuffle “are you okay?” Jeremy burst into the room carrying a bat; his black curls askew. “Fine now.” Said Aniline struggling to lay on her bed, still clutching the statuette, her heart pounding, her hands shaking. “What happened, I heard you scream then another; ungodly shout.” Jeremy sank down beside her: pulling her close. “A daughter of the sun was here.” Jeremy flinched and whispered “and you survived?” “You don’t have to sound surprised” said Aniline pushing him. “No it’s just…. Well there’s this ancient prophecy and well…” he turned away: his face red “tell me!” Aniline burst out, her hands still shaking. “Umm, no.” he stood up to stand by her window seat: avoiding her gaze. “Jeremy...” he groaned and cleared his throat: looking up at the ceiling. “this goes against all the rules… your only supposed to know of it once it’s over with, lest your try to change it.” “But your going to tell me aren’t you?” he slowly started to shake his head, then didn’t. “Aniline…” “Please Jeremy;” pouting. He cleared his throat once again. Then he sighed.

“When a daughter of the moon and one of the sun,
Clash against one- another in ones own territory,
One will rise, one fall
And a battle shall destroy one or all.”
He flinched and looked at her closely
“oh my..” said Aniline joining him to look out on the courtyard. “Oh my…”

END OF PART 1

Coming soon! Part 2: The Forest, The Sybil, The cave and The Giant.
Last edited by LadySpark on Wed Dec 08, 2010 5:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Please Review!
hush, my sweet
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Seems like a a good story in the making, with a well- devoloped plot. I like the imagery, though you have to keep in mind that words in quotations must begin with a capital letter, specifically the passage underneath 2. All, I can say is send me a private message once you finish Part Two. :D
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Hey there Pointe,

Here as requested!

The flag speared the ground. The white flag billowed up from the red, burnt, hot land. It blew in the hot wind. “Truce…. Truce” a cracked, pained woman’s voice sang over the dry land, the blistering wind carrying the message to another place, another world. The people who stood by the large silver kissing gate; looking at the waving flag in disbelief, then began to cheer “truce truce!” Another voice, whole and healthy sang in rejoice repeating the word deep into the night: “truce! Truce! Truce!”

I have a love/hate relationship with prologues. Many writers (myself included, at first) would simply add a prologue to make things interesting, to have people hooked from the start. But most -famous- writers insist prologues are uncessary. In fact, they suggest cutting it out completely and integrating it to the story, leaking it in when necessary.
I agree, to a certain point. Some, I find, are simply part of the story. Much like peanut butter & jam; they go together.
I don't this is the case, here. I learn nothing, and do not find myself intrigued by it, wanting to know more about it. Which means, I would suggest cutting it.
However, you are the writer and it is your decision. If you decide to keep it, I would reword it slightly, because the repetition of 'flag' so close together is too eye-catching.

“No! No I refuse” Aniline Grace’s voice rang through the corridor: standing at the end facing her mother: hands on her hips.
there should be a comma after refuse. I would also reword it to something that will help the flow, such as, "No! No, I refuse," Aniline Grace's voice rang through the corridor as she stood facing her mother, hands on her hips.

“The Moon-ones are sworn maidens and I will not break that tradtion (comma)” Aniline threw her black braid across her shoulder,(period)No that law was changed years ago!” (This should be a new paragraph because change of person speaking.)Her mother Celica’s face was hard and cold “(capitalised) you never take into account what I want!” “You watch that mouth Aniline Grace!” the shouts echoed down the long hallway reaching the ears of the servants who scuttled out of sight to whisper about the newest gossip. Aniline turned on her heel and stomped towards the west tower “where are you going” said her mother, gliding gracefully behind her “away from you” Aniline sped up and finally reached the large oak door, throwing it open, slamming it behind her.

Whoa, whoa! Ok, Pointe, this was really confusing! I tried correcting directly in the paragraph to make things easier for you, but I can't follow who's who anymore. You need to create new dialogue tags each time someone else speaks.
For example:
"Pointe, you must create new dialogue tags for each person," Tanya said.
"Thank you so much for helping me!" Pointe said, smiling. "I truly appreciate your effort."
"It's my pleasure," Tanya replied, a smile on her face. She truly loved reviewing for other people.

Ok, tacky, but you get what I mean, right?

“It’s not like she understands” Aniline said to her best friend, sitting in her room in the west tower eating frozen blueberry yogurt. “I know” Eleanor (Ella) said soothingly “I know” Aniline swung her feet around to sit up on her bed “so what are you wearing to the social?” Aniline said; quickly changing the subject “I thought it was canceled since you know the declaration” “oh right” Aniline, said nodding her head fast. “Yeah” Ella stood up: empty blueberry flavored yogurt cups falling to the moonstone floor. “Well I better go” Ella grabbed her coat, swung it over her shoulder “I’ll see you at school” running quickly out the door. Aniline heard her high-heels clattering down the steps.

My comments apply to this paragraph, too.

That had been the last time Aniline Grace had sat eyes on her father.
set

NO! she thought feircly: standing up, walking to her desk and sitting down to her pale blue laptop.
fiercely

I hear you had an argument with your mother. Well at midnight tonight, an owl will deliver you a parcel. What you do with it is up to you. But be careful. Sometimes secrets are more dangerous than a necular bomb.
nuclear

“Jeremy, please don’t leave me.” “I have to (comma) gorgeous.” Her face blushed; that nickname never ceased to bring blood to her cheeks. “But you know she is becoming stronger again. I’ll need you.” Jeremy kissed her. “I love you Aniline Grace…” he turned, “I can make her approve of you!” Aniline yelled, “We can run away!” “Never look back!” “your (you're) lying Aniline, you wouldn’t leave. Not with the moon weak and the sun strong. Not yet at least.” Tears flowed down her cheeks. “please,” he kissed her again and whispered in her ear “good bye, my Aniline…”


I tried the old ‘maiden’ trick by it didn’t work. Probably because she knows I love you.” He laughed and sat beside her “so it’s a lie?”
but

Ok, I might have skipped over a few parts at the end, but your paragraphs were really hard to follow.
topic44898.html
topic41426.html
topic39769.html
topic33840.html

I just posted a few links that really helped me become a better writer. They might help you out, as well.

I'm going to be blunt, but I don't mean to be harsh. Pointe, this needs a lot of work. You got me through three chapters/parts but I have learned absolutely nothing. At all. You keep skipping scenes, thoughts, flashbacks and the lot. We go from a fight with her mom, to a scene with her friend, to a flashback about her dad, to another about her boyfriend. Whoa, nelly, slow down.

We need to feel her thoughts and emotions. What is she feeling? What is the setting? You seem to have quite an intriguing story with the moon princess and the son of the sun. I was ecstatic at the thought of it, but it's just a jumble of thoughts and flashbacks!

LEt us get to know her, first, before throwing us in her past, that way. Work on describing her surrounding, her family and friends. Has her mother become bitter since her father left? Is Eleanor a good friend, or just a servant who hangs around? What was the fight all about, we've learned nothing at all.

Where you're reading a book, what do you like/dislike about it? Write in that fashion. Personally, long flowery descriptions of meadows or households bore me to tears. So I don't write about them. How about you? Wouldn't you like to write the type of book you like to read? We sure would, but we don't understand what's going on.

Am I making any sense?

There are several tabs in the knowledge base and other areas where you could look up more info like the links I posted.

I really hope you take this as constructive critism, because the basis of it is good; you just need to work on pulling everything together in a nice, tight net.

Good luck!
Tanya :D




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I'm finally here! :D

Sorry it's taken me a while. I didn't realise how busy I was going to be for the past few days. I hope it's okay that I'm a little later than I promised I would be. You seem to have already gotten a detailed review by borntobe, so I'll hopefully not end up repeating everything.

Personally, I'm not a fan of prologues unless they're entirely necessary to the story. The problem I'm having with yours right now is that it's very short, and doesn't hook me in exactly. This may be more of a personal thing because like I said before, I'm not a fan of short prologues that don't really do all that much. In the end, whether you have a prologue or not is up to you, but right now, I don't really see how it connects to the story. There are more parts to go though, so I'll hold back my judgement.

The main problem I'm having with this right now is that it almost feels as though you've thrown us into the bit after the beginning of the novel... I'm not sure if that makes sense. It doesn't really feel as though this is the very beginning of the novel. You've kind of thrown us into all of the action and plot without letting us get to know your characters and much about their situations. Basically, I think that you need to slow some things down.

I agree with what borntobe said as well. You're skipping between scenes a lot. You have a fight with a mum, a talk with a friend, many flashbacks and some more things in this. Don't feel as though you have to give us your MC's life story because you don't. If you want to include that information, try and do so a little more subtly. Don't give it all to us in a short piece. Ease it out throughout the novel. :)

One thing I've noticed as well is that you don't seem to be portraying your MC's emotions as well as you could be. You're telling us that she's crying, for example, but you're not really making us feel anything about that fact. A lot of these little issues can be fixed with simply slowing things down, I think. If you slow the piece down, us readers will have more time to feel your character's emotions and understand them better. A good way of showing emotions is through descriptions. Try and describe how she's feeling, but at the same time, don't just tell us that she's crying or that she's sad.

This definitely has potential, but I do think you need to clean up a few things. My main critique for you would have to be that I think you need to slow the piece down overall. Don't feel as though you need to give us all of the information about your MC and her past at once. Do so subtly. Let us get to know your characters before you head into the deeper part of the plot, and before you kick in all of the action.

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins
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“No! No, I refuse,” Aniline Grace’s voice rang through the corridor standing at the end facing her mother, hands on her hips.


This sentence doesn't sound quite right. It kind of runs on near the end.

One:
“No! No, I refuse,” Aniline Grace’s voice rang through the corridor standing at the end facing her mother, hands on her hips.
“The Moon-ones are sworn maidens and I will not break that tradition,” Aniline threw her black braid across her shoulder.


“ that law was changed years ago!”
Her mother Celica’s face was hard and cold.
“You never take into account what I want!” Aniline yelled “You watch that mouth Aniline Grace!”

The spacing is strange. Why the gap between the second and third lines?

the shouts echoed down the long hallway reaching the ears of the servants who scuttled out of sight to whisper about the newest gossip. Aniline turned on her heel and stomped towards the west tower “where are you going” said her mother, gliding gracefully behind her “away from you” Aniline sped up and finally reached the large oak door, throwing it open, slamming it behind her.


So I understand that in the first scene there is an argument between her and her mother, but it's hard to get any emotion from this. Your dialogue doesn't really say much about the whole issue, and I feel a bit lost. Maybe you could try and include a little more of their conversation so we have a better idea what's going on. Also, I think maybe using some different dialogue tags could make this more interesting.

"Where are you going?" her mother barked.
"Away from you!" said Aniline, exasperated.

Just some ideas.

“It’s not like she understands” Aniline said to her best friend, sitting in her room in the west tower eating frozen blueberry yogurt. “I know” Eleanor (Ella) said soothingly “I know” Aniline swung her feet around to sit up on her bed “so what are you wearing to the social?” Aniline said; quickly changing the subject “I thought it was canceled since you know the declaration” “oh right” Aniline, said nodding her head fast. “Yeah” Ella stood up: empty blueberry flavored yogurt cups falling to the moonstone floor. “Well I better go” Ella grabbed her coat, swung it over her shoulder “I’ll see you at school” running quickly out the door. Aniline heard her high-heels clattering down the steps.


This was very difficult for me to keep track of. You separate their speech into different paragraphs, and maybe give us a better setting. It's hard to tell if this was right after the argument, or years later. What does Ella's room look like? Describing a few things in her room could really help us figure out what kind of person Ella is.

She was two again. Her mother young, happy, sweet. Her Father running with them, running so fast “I have to get you away,” he had said, kissing their foreheads. “They’ll come after you next...” “But” her mother tried to argue “shh…” he put his finger on her lips, then kissed her. “ Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.” She turned, tears running down her face. “Okay.” That had been the last time Aniline Grace had set eyes on her father.

Tears flowed freely down Aniline’s face, these memories; had been pushed aside, forgotten. Yet they had never stopped haunting her dreams… She shook her head trying to get the image of her father, standing there at death’s door. NO! she thought fiercely: standing up, walking to her desk and sitting down to her pale blue laptop.


What caused this memory to suddenly resurface? It's a bit random.

She could feel more tears surfacing, and fought to force them down. She stared hard out, into the courtyard then gasped

“Jeremy” No! It can’t be! You just see him because your thinking about him. Never the less, she pulled a silver satin pullover on and ran down to the courtyard. When she reached it, she saw him as handsome as ever. “Jeremy?” she called, he turned and smiled his dazzling smile. “Oh my, it’s really you!” she screamed running forward into his embrace…

When you put Jeremy in quotes, I thought she was speaking, when she wasn't.

Jeremy! No, it can't be. You just see him because you're thinking about him. Nevertheless, she pulled a silver satin pullover on and ran down to the courtyard.
"Jeremy?" she called, hardly believing it was him. His head turned and his dazzling smile could not be mistaken."Oh my, it's really you!" she gasped, running forward into his embrace.

Or at least something like that. I only got confused because of the quotes.

“Hello gorgeous” he said his arms going round her waist as if they had never left.


I like this line :)

“Run away with me” his whisper blew cold air against her cheek: he had always been able to do that: his dad being the god of winter and all.


Maybe you can add how it made her shiver or something. Some more descriptions of his appearance would be nice; he seems like he would be very interesting being the son of a god.


Alright, so overall I think you've got some very interesting ideas. I do like the idea of these people being descended from gods and the like, so I'm intrigued by your characters :)

There are a few things you need to work on, though. First, I'm not sure if you started the story in the right spot. The prologue doesn't seem to fit into anything at the moment, and the introduction of her best friend and mother were both quite short and didn't reveal much of anything about their characters. I think you should really go back to this first chapter and drag it out, maybe through the course of the day. We should stop and get a good feel of her daily life before she gets dragged out on some prophecy-fulfilling adventure. :)

Second, try using different spacing and punctuation techniques. Your dialogue was very hard to follow, and you use a lot of colons and pauses where there shouldn't be. I usually read my writing out loud to see whether or not it sounds right.

If you need any advice or have any questions, don't be shy about sending me a PM :)
Keep it up!
~blacksheep
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Alright, so, Honestly, I didn't like the whole prologue thing.
Prologues aren't needed unless it tells you something about whats going on in the story, and yours is messy, jumbeled and hard to read.

The flag speared the ground. It billowed up from the red, burnt, hot land. It blew in the hot wind. “Truce…. Truce” a cracked, pained woman’s voice sang over the dry land, the blistering wind carrying the message to another place, another world. The people who stood by the large silver kissing gate; looking at the waving flag in disbelief, then began to cheer “truce truce!” Another voice, whole and healthy sang in rejoice repeating the word deep into the night: “truce! Truce! Truce!”


It was just a paragraph and it didn't really tell me anything, I actually ended up being confused, and remained confused for the rest of the piece.

THis isn't my type of story, therefore I may not continue reading.
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I know you said you've had enough grammar reviews, which may be the case...I'm going to be honest and say that it was very hard for me to keep my interest in this story. I don't think it was so much because of the plot or the characters, but because of the formatting. You need to break paragraphs/sets of dialogue up so that it's easier on the readers...you're more likely to get reviews that way, too.

That said, you said this was split into chapters but it's basically just...a drabble. I think what you could do is start off by picking one scene and expanding on it. Definitely reformat everything so that it's readable. Example:

“Jeremy, please don’t leave me.” “I have to, gorgeous.” Her face blushed; that nickname never ceased to bring blood to her cheeks. “But you know she is becoming stronger again. I’ll need you.” Jeremy kissed her. “I love you Aniline Grace…” he turned, “I can make her approve of you!” Aniline yelled, “We can run away!” “Never look back!” “you're lying Aniline, you wouldn’t leave. Not with the moon weak and the sun strong. Not yet at least.” Tears flowed down her cheeks. “please,” he kissed her again and whispered in her ear “good bye, my Aniline…”


All of this should be broken up into something more like this:

“Jeremy, please don’t leave me,” she pleaded.

“I have to, gorgeous.”

Her face blushed; that nickname never ceased to bring blood to her cheeks. “But you know she is becoming stronger again. I’ll need you.”

Jeremy kissed her, “I love you Aniline Grace…” he turned.

“I can make her approve of you!” Aniline yelled, “We can run away! Never look back!”

“You're lying Aniline, you wouldn’t leave. Not with the moon weak and the sun strong. Not yet at least.”

Tears flowed down her cheeks. “Please."

He kissed her again and whispered in her ear. “Good bye, my Aniline…”


I also have a suggestion about this:

Jeremy kissed her, “I love you Aniline Grace…” he turned.

“I can make her approve of you!” Aniline yelled, “We can run away! Never look back!”


Okay, first of all, he kisses her and tells her he loves her, and all of a sudden she's yelling at him, saying they can run away. I don't think she needs to be yelling here. Second of all, this is your opportunity to do some explaining without it being an info dump. If you ignore all of the other scenes you've written that are before and after this one, what you have for this scene is basically just a bunch of dialogue with no exposition. I just think that this point (probably after the "I can make her approve of you" part) is when you could explain why they're having this conversation. Who is Aniline talking about? Why doesn't the person Aniline is talking about approve of Jeremy? You shouldn't go into a massive amount of detail at this point because it would just be an info dump, but you can gradually do it through out the scene.

I hope this is at least a little helpful. You have a good start, you just need to fix the formatting and also need to just...pin down which scene you want to expand on and then go from there.




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pointe2drama wrote:
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I keep getting ideas for better novels and forget the old ones......
this is a cross between fantasy and romance, but I characterized it as fantasy


Spoiler
the club page: page.php?id=848

girl sitting on moon.jpg


The Stargazer

PART 1: The Battle, The Coming and The Leaving

Prologue:
The flag speared the ground. It billowed up from the red, burnt, hot I don't know if you need hot, since if its burnt it has to be hot, but it is up to youland. It blew in the hot wind. “Truce…. Trucecomma” a cracked, pained woman’s voice sang over the dry land, the blistering wind carrying the message to another place, another world. The people who stood by the large silver kissing gate; looking at the waving flag in disbelief, then began to cheer “truce truce!” Another voice, whole and healthy sang in rejoice repeating the word deep into the night: “truce! Truce! Truce!”


One:
“No! No, I refuse,” Aniline Grace’s voice rang through the corridor commastanding at the end facing her mother, hands on her hips.
“The Moon-ones are sworn maidens and I will not break that tradition,” Aniline threw her black braid across her shoulder.


“ thatThatlaw was changed years ago!”
Her mother Celica’s face was hard and cold.
“You never take into account what I want!” Aniline yelledcomma “You watch that mouth Aniline Grace!”

theThe shouts echoed down the long hallway reaching the ears of the servantscomma who scuttled out of sight to whisper about the newest gossip. Aniline turned on her heel and stomped towards the west tower “wWhere are you goingcomma” said her mother, gliding gracefully behind herperiod and new paragraph
“awAwayay from youcomma” Aniline sped upfinally reaching the large, oak door, throwing it open, slamming it behind her and finally reached the large oak door, throwing it open, slamming it behind her.

~
“It’s not like she understandscomma” Aniline said to her best friend, sitting in her room in the west tower eating frozen blueberry yogurt. newparagraph
“I know” Eleanor,Ella, (Ella) said soothinglyperiod new paragraph
“I knowcomma” Aniline swung her feet around to sit up on her bed “sSo what are you wearing to the social?” Aniline said; quickly changing the subjectperiod newparagraph
“I thought it was canceled sincecomma you know commathe declaration”new paragraph
“oOh rightcomma” Aniline, said nodding her head fast. “new paragraph
Yeahcomma” Ella stood up: empty blueberry flavored yogurt cups falling to the moonstone floor. new paragraph
“Well I better gocomma” Ella grabbed her coat, swung it over her shoulder new paragraph
“I’ll see you at schoolcomma” running quickly out the door. Aniline heard her high-heels clattering down the steps.

Aniline’s head was spinning with thoughts, memories.

She was two again. Her mother young, happy, sweet. Her Father running with them, running so fast “I have to get you away,” he had said, kissing their foreheads. “They’ll come after you next...” new paragraph
Butcomma” her mother tried to argueperiodnew paragraph
Shhshh…” he put his finger on her lips, then kissed her.
“ Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.” new paragraph
She turned, tears running down her face. “Okay.” That had been the last time Aniline Grace had set eyes on her father.


Tears flowed freely down Aniline’s face, these memories; had been pushed aside, forgotten. Yet they had never stopped haunting her dreams… She shook her head trying to get the image of her father, standing there at death’s door. NO! she thought fiercely: standing up, walking to her desk and sitting down to her pale blue laptop.

A message popped up, as soon as she flipped the switch: the lime green font searing Aniline’s eyeball with brightness.

Hello Aniline Grace,
I hear you had an argument with your mother. Well at midnight tonight, an owl will deliver you a parcel. What you do with it is up to you. But be careful. Sometimes secrets are more dangerous than a nuclear bomb.


“Okay….” Said Aniline slowly shaking her head “okay… we are not doing homework tonight” she flipped the switch on the desktop and turned. She walked slowly to her bay window and looked out onto a silver stone courtyard. More memories flooded her mind:

“Jeremy, please don’t leave me.” “I have to, gorgeous.” Her face blushed; that nickname never ceased to bring blood to her cheeks. “But you know she is becoming stronger again. I’ll need you.” Jeremy kissed her. “I love you Aniline Grace…” he turned, “I can make her approve of you!” Aniline yelled, “We can run away!” “Never look back!” “you're lying Aniline, you wouldn’t leave. Not with the moon weak and the sun strong. Not yet at least.” Tears flowed down her cheeks. “please,” he kissed her again and whispered in her ear “good bye, my Aniline…”

She could feel more tears surfacing, and fought to force them down. She stared hard out, into the courtyard then gasped

“Jeremy” No! It can’t be! You just see him because your thinking about him. Never the less, she pulled a silver satin pullover on and ran down to the courtyard. When she reached it, she saw him as handsome as ever. “Jeremy?” she called, he turned and smiled his dazzling smile. “Oh my, it’s really you!” she screamed running forward into his embrace…






Two:
“Hello gorgeous” he said his arms going round her waist as if they had never left. “It’s really you” she repeated, “Really you” “yes” he kissed her cheek “miss me?” Aniline didn’t answer: just breathed in the faint scent of his cologne. Don’t let this moment end. Please don’t let this be a dream… she prayed. He pulled away, too quickly to suit Aniline. “So...” his face took on a bemused expression and maybe a little hurt too. “ Is it true you’re getting married?” Aniline blushed and pushed farther away from him sitting on a bench, hard. “NO!” she yelled; the anger at her mother and her demands resounding through the garden “she’s forcing me or trying to. I tried the old ‘maiden’ trick but it didn’t work. Probably because she knows I love you.” He laughed and sat beside her “so it’s a lie?” he looked as if he was a six-year-old promised candy if he believed her, but it went against his better judgment. “Yes, you have to believe me!” she wrapped her arms around his neck and looked into his sea green eyes. “Yes, it’s a total lie” she kissed him and closed her eyes, hoping all the emotions coursing trough her veins would leave: except for the love, she felt for Jeremy. “But how do I know for sure?” “Would I be here if it wasn’t true?” “Would I be kissing you?” he shook his head slowly, leaning in close and said, “I have something for you.” “What?” he handed her a small white velvet box. Inside there was a silver necklace, a fairy with glossamer wings and a silver flower headdress. “I love it,” said Aniline, tears rolling down her pale cheeks. In answer, he leaned in close, for another kiss…
~
“Run away with me” his whisper blew cold air against her cheek: he had always been able to do that: his dad being the god of winter and all. “Why?” “Well, since you’re the moon princess and everything I think they’ll be after you first.” “You’re talking about the sun and her minions aren’t you?” she said, he looked at her as if to say ‘duh’ “well of course. You would be safer with me. I’d never let anything happen to you.” “don’t try to sweet talk me Jeremy.” His eyes pleaded, “I’ll think about it… Come to my room at, one and we’ll see” she sighed and leaned forward, about to kiss him. Then didn’t. That way, she thought as she ran back to her tower, I can see what that message meant by ‘parcel’.

Three:
Aniline threw silver dress after silver dress into her bag. Midnight was nearing. She had decided to go with Jeremy, but every minute a new worry surfaced in her mind what if Mother is so worried about me, she forgets everything else? What if we’re killed and I never come home? What if … A hoot interrupted her thoughts, Rushing to the window, she threw open her shutter and felt a small soft package land in her upturned palm. She gripped it hard and backed away from the window: clutching the package.
She pulled the paper away from it: and gasped. “It’s beautiful” a small porcelain figurine: half-gold, half silver. The gold half was dressed in gold pants and tunic: with a red belt around it’s waist. Red devil horns stuck out of its golden hair and ruby boots sparkled on its foot. A red tail snaked round its arm like a snake, and its face was grim and mean. The other half wore a silver Maiden gown (empire waist), with a cloak of sea-blue fabric tied around its shoulder. Silver laurels sat on its black curls and amethyst/sapphire jewels hung from its arm and neck. “It’s lovely,” she repeated staring in rapture. I wonder what this means? She thought wonderingly “It is, isn’t it?” a raspy, guttural voice whispered from the corner of her room. “Who said that?” “Why me of course” Aniline fell back against her wardrobe feeling faint. What’s wrong with me? I felt fine a minute ago. “soo fairrrrr” hissed the voice: lisping like a snake. “Who are you?” Aniline said backing slowly to the door. Praying Jeremy would walk up the tower steps; come to save her. “Your boyfriend is detained at the moment,” the voice said. As it read her mind, Aniline began to feel even weaker, JEREMY! Her mind screamed Jeremy! “Not feeling good?” the voice said as Aniline slid against the wall, slowly to the floor. “It’s my presence. My aura.” The voice hissed: hot air blowing against Aniline’s cheek. “For I am the daughter of the sun…” Aniline felt hot pain pierce through her chest: writhing on the floor she tried to think. But she felt foggy. So foggy. Then one thought surfaced in her dull brain. If she affects me I affect her. She groped inside herself: trying to wake the numb part of her brain. She screamed and silver light flashed: filling the room with beams of moon light. “AHHHH” said the raspy voice and Aniline’s body started working again...

“Aniline!” a shout, a scuffle “are you okay?” Jeremy burst into the room carrying a bat; his black curls askew. “Fine now.” Said Aniline struggling to lay on her bed, still clutching the statuette, her heart pounding, her hands shaking. “What happened, I heard you scream then another; ungodly shout.” Jeremy sank down beside her: pulling her close. “A daughter of the sun was here.” Jeremy flinched and whispered “and you survived?” “You don’t have to sound surprised” said Aniline pushing him. “No it’s just…. Well there’s this ancient prophecy and well…” he turned away: his face red “tell me!” Aniline burst out, her hands still shaking. “Umm, no.” he stood up to stand by her window seat: avoiding her gaze. “Jeremy...” he groaned and cleared his throat: looking up at the ceiling. “this goes against all the rules… your only supposed to know of it once it’s over with, lest your try to change it.” “But your going to tell me aren’t you?” he slowly started to shake his head, then didn’t. “Aniline…” “Please Jeremy;” pouting. He cleared his throat once again. Then he sighed.

“When a daughter of the moon and one of the sun,
Clash against one- another in ones own territory,
One will rise, one fall
And a battle shall destroy one or all.”
He flinched and looked at her closely
“oh my..” said Aniline joining him to look out on the courtyard. “Oh my…”

END OF PART 1

Coming soon! Part 2: The Forest, The Sybil, The cave and The Giant.

I ran out of time and only did to the point where the edits stopped, if you like my review, I would be honored if you would write on my wall and I will go back and edit the rest, if not I understand. I saw lots of mistakes but that is what is expected of a first draft! No worries. Happy New Years. Love Jenn aka hockeyfan87
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn



You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer