Bad Girl, Good Liar~2

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4206
Reviews 362
2



Before I knew it, police were swarmed around me and my co-workers, demanding things and asking questions. I could barely understand what was going on, the only thing I could keep my mind one was Lana. No one had seen her come; no one had seen her go.

“Name, please?” an officer asks me. He’s big and burly, more intimadting if I knew who I am talking to.

“Isabella Marie.” I reply numbly. Lana is my best friend and only confidant. She was the innocent one of us seven, always ready to offer a new dance move or advice.

“Last name?” he asks, writing something down on a notepad. I shrug.

“I don’t know my last name.” I say, “my mother never told me.” It’s true. My last name is on my birth certificate, but my mother never told me. It’s my fathers last name, and my mother never wants anything to do with him, except for his infrequent child support cheques.

“All right, so,” I have obviously thrown the officer off. I can see he’s brimming with questions he won’t ask, “how old are you?”

“Seventeen.” I reply, unfazed. I’m used to being questioned by the police. One time my mother got so drunk she decided to drive, getting into a minor accident.

“So, what are you doing here?” he asks me.

“I work here.” I reply again. He’s really boring me.

“Can I go? My curfew is one am.” I ask. It’s not like my mother cares about my curfew. Usually, I get home and she’s passed out in a drunken stupor on the lazy-boy.

“Alright, I guess. Just make sure to stay in the state.” The officer said nervously.

“Of course, Officer.” I say, and slide off the stage. My whole body is shaking as I grab my bag and leave the club.


High school in itself is torture. The only reason why I go is to get away from my mother, and her non-existent sobriety. I walk into my math class, sling my bag in the floor, and sit down, ready to do nothing.

“Hey.” His voice is simple, slightly innocent. I turn around to see Jacob King staring at me with dark green eyes. He sits next to me, dropping his bag on the ground.

“Hey,” I say blandly. He pulls out his homework, and mused over it.

“Did you do this?” he asks me, “because I didn’t.” I clucked my tounge.

“Well, Mr. King,” I say with an almost flirty tone, “It’ll be, like, the ninth time this month? What do you do at night?” Jacob shrugs.

“Same as you. I stay awake and play HALO.” He says with a small smile. I giggle, and look at the front of the class.

“Trust me,” I say, “you have no idea what I do at night.” Jacob turns to me.

“Maybe I can find out sometime.” He said innocently. I giggle again.

“Seriously, sweetie, you don’t want to know.” I say as the teacher strides into the classroom, putting an end to our conversation.

I slam my book shut as the bell rings. Jacob and I both stand up and reach for our bags at the same time. Our hands brush, sending a pleasant shiver up my arm. I send him the sexy little smirk I use while dancing, sling my bag over my shoulder, and exit the classroom, a little swish to my hips.

“Hey, Isabella, wait.” Jacob calls from behind me. I stop at my locker, and begin to twirl the dial.

“Yes,” I say, dropping my bag. I turn so my back is against my locker. He puts his hands on either side of me, making it impossible for it for me move. Then he lowered his head and kissed me.

His lips are warm and sweet, sort of tasting like starburst and mountain dew. I shut my eyes, letting out a little moan of ecstasy.

Then he pulled away, almost making my heart stop.

“That was fun.” I say, trying to make it seem I could hardly care less. Jacob smiles.

“Oh, you liked it.” He replies. I wink, and shimmy out of his hold.

“Maybe,” I say, turning back to my locker. I begin to twirl the dial, my heart racing. I turn and watch as he strides away, a foolish grin spreading on my face.
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 560
Reviews 48
Hey there Wicked,
Great job! I like that fact how you kept emphasizing how much of a drunk the MC's mom is. I'm ready to see what happens next! :D keep it up!
“Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”
E. L. Doctorow




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1084
Reviews 6
This is good, it really has potential to be a great novel. Only one criticism, you could do with some sort of breaker between scenes, it was a little confusing. Just put in a couple of asterisks or something. Other than that I'm really looking forward to the next part :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4870
Reviews 145
It's going along great! I'm glad how you explained a bit more of her situations in life. I agree that it was confusing when you abruptly left off talking about the police, and changed to school. I can't wait to find out what happens next!
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 44360
Reviews 1087
Hey again :)

I'm probably going to have less to say this time because my critiques for this chapter are similar to my critiques on your last chapter. I'll try and come up with something though!

I have mostly little things I'd like to mention this time. One of those things is that I found it weird that your MC didn't know her surname. Even if her mum did keep it a secret, surely, Isabella would have at least tried to find her birth certificate or something. Also, wouldn't it technically be impossible for her to not know her surname because of school. On the register, the child's surname is always there; it has to be. I think that's something you should maybe think about.

Another little issue that I had was the way the officer reacted to what Isabella was saying. As a police officer, if you were speaking to a girl who revealed that she was seventeen and working in a club like that, I don't think you'd just leave it. It's illegal for someone her age to work as an exotic dancer, so the police officer would at least have to alert Isabella's parents about what's happened. The club would also be in a hell of a lot of trouble for hiring someone her age, even if they didn't know what her real age was.

I also found Isabella's reactions the next day a bit odd. She'd just seen something terrible happen, yet she's more concentrated on some boy than her friend disappearing. It's fine if you want to include her interaction with Jacob, but I think you should be a bit more realistic with her thoughts about last night at the same time. At the end, for example, you could describe how Jacob's kiss made her feel, but not even that could distract her from the gruelling memory of the night before. I think you should express Isabella's emotions a bit more, basically. :)

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.



We do have funerals for the living. They're called birthday parties.
— Jill Biden (fictitiously), Hope Never Dies