Unfinished story - Warsky.

Chapter 1.

I wish it was all a dream. Sometimes, I wish I could just open up my eyes and it would all be the same. We would be sitting around the fire, with Leila fiddling at her toga, Mother telling us her stories.
And Issac.
If only he was here.
But it’s not a dream, it’s real. Every terrifying detail has really happened.
We lived in a small village in the countryside, south of Athens. We owned few cattle for farming, chickens for food, and a goat for milk. Mother tends to her vegetable patch.
Our house was basic. It had two rooms, a fire place, a corner with three beds, one of which I shared with Leila. The others were for Issac and Mother and Father.
We were situated on the edge of the woods, with a river that flowed fresh water to drink. Issac is the eldest. He was born 4 years before me. Mother says that I am her little Athena, because I was born 4 years after the eldest child, and that I am creative and smart. She said that if we were in danger, I would know what do to.
The war had been going for a long time now. Father said that when Pappoús was born, the war started.
Pappoús died the day I turned 13.
Now, the war has come to where we live. Athens has been under attack for years, but now the Spartans have started to spread, attacking anything in their path. The countryside used to be blooming with flowers, every summer, the sun shining and dancing along the waters of the river.
Now, everything has turned grey and depressing. The villagers are fighting for their lives, scared for themselves and their children. People are nowhere to be seen anymore, staying in their houses for their own survival.
I thought I knew that something was not right.
Father was giving Mother mysterious looks, and she kept us all huddled together, close to her all the time. Leila started to complain, but Mother just said that we needed to stay together, making us more confused.
Then, they came.


Please give some advice, constructive critisisim is wanted
Thanks,
Meg.



COPYRIGHT MEG (MEGG) 2010

Wow! Great story you have got there! It really pulled me in. The only thing I would change would be rewording

We lived in a small village in the countryside, south of Athens. We owned few cattle for farming, chickens for food, and a goat for milk. Mother tends to her vegetable patch.

First: You switched tenses. You started with past, and switched to present (lived, owned, tends). Now, this is a bit of an info dump. How does this fit into your book? Is it necessary? Maybe you could draw readers into this paragraph by doing something like this:

Before it came, we lived in small village in the countryside south of Athens. Before it happened, we had a few cattle, chickens, and a goat. We even had a vegatable patch; mother's pride and joy.

Mine's a bit cliche, so think of your own. But you get the idea, right?

I have a question: do they still live at their house? I'm guessing not beceause of the past tense, so instead of giving us lots of info on the house that we may not need, why don't you say that she misses her old house and that she never thought she would?

One more nitpick: Firstly, you say now twice beginning two paragraphs in a row. Was that intended? Secondly, you switch tenses here:

Now, everything has turned grey and depressing. The villagers are fighting for their lives, scared for themselves and their children. People are nowhere to be seen anymore, staying in their houses for their own survival.
I thought I knew that something was not right.
Father was giving Mother mysterious looks, and she kept us all huddled together, close to her all the time. Leila started to complain, but Mother just said that we needed to stay together, making us more confused.
Then, they came.

What you did was switch from past (red), to present (green), to past. I may have missed some verbs, so don't rely on me. You probably want to switch the present tense in the green paragraph to past tense. (oops, that was two nitpicks, wasn't it? Heh, sorry.)

Overall your chapter really pulled me in. I can tell you really tried to do that. There were a few a places you could work on, but overall it's great. Keep writing!

Hey Megg,

This was a good story to read. The first chapter was very basic yet you pulled me in. There was a great description of your MC's life and I really enjoyed getting to know her and her family. Ranne has already gone through most of the nitpicks and I agree with what has been said especially about you switching tenses.

There weren't very many grammar mistakes. This was a great read and it wasn't drawn out for too long. I would love to read more.

Keep Writing

Anger

P.S PM me when you write more.

Hey, the story was quite good, although I think it does not go into the atmosphere enough. I think it would be better if you made it even more personal. For instance i really liked everything about Pappous and the vegetable patch (I'm Greek so it was nice to read it) but I think maybe you could include more. For example, maybe a vivid memory with Pappous when the main character was a child. I feel its very 'on the surface' when you could really get in there and make it deeper and more personal. I think the story has a lot of potential but you could make it a lot more moving. Maybe describe more about the mother and father being secretive, describe the village south of Athens. Also the tenses are a bit confused. Above all though i think this has potential and you can do a lot with the plot!