The Stars Are Watching (Chapter2)

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Chapter Two of this highly interesting story that turned out to be much more then I had expected it to be. At this point, I was not yet entirely sure of what the plot was. And as I haven't edited it since then, I apologize if some things don't add up or make sense.
But without further ado....



…Chapter Two…
The front hall of the house wasn’t half as dusty as Wynne had expected, and had a passing thought that it must have been thoroughly cleaned before they had bought it. For there wasn’t nearly enough dust to cover the expanse of twenty years, since that was apparently when the last owner had lived there.
And the house was big.
Wynne felt sure that there were dozens and dozens of rooms, and she could hardly wait to take a better look around. Now that she had seen the labyrinth of a house that she was going to live in, some of the painful absence that had been digging into her heart every time she thought of their old home had dispersed.
But after nearly getting crushed by a bookcase, and getting grumbled at several times by the movers, Mum had kindly suggested that it might be in her best interests to look around town a little bit. Not to mention staying out of the way for a while.
Now, she was descending the once elaborate stairs that led up to the house. Her Mum was perfectly right, it was going to be quite a pain to have to crawl all the way up every time they did anything. And the movers – who had thus far proven themselves to be well-experienced whiners – had complained about the climb several times already.
Dad, however, who seemed to be permanently ecstatic about the who ordeal had happily declared that it would get them all in better shape. As if to prove this point, he had been leaping up and down the stairs whenever he had the need to traverse them.
“So, Winnie!”
Wynne looked up to see her father waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs, overseeing the moving of their expensively carved dining room table.
“What do you think of this place so far? A little less crowded then the big city, hm?” he asked cheerfully. The excited smile that had been lingering on his face since he had first brought home the ‘good’ news was bright on his face again.
“Yeah, it’s cool.” Wynne replied with a smile. It was hard not to be excited about things around someone who seemed to be so thrilled with everything. “Can I have the room in the tower?”
“Which one?” he replied, his memorable eyes twinkling again as he clasped a hand on her shoulder. “Just think! We own a house that has two towers!”
Wynne laughed, but her laughter was abruptly cut off by her father’s sudden shout of: “Well! Hello there!” and she quickly turned to find the persons he had been talking to.
Coming across the street was a teenaged boy probably only a little bit older then she herself was. His hair was a dark purplish-black in the bright sunlight, and his eyes shadowy. From lack of sleep or an over-application of eyeliner, she couldn’t really tell. But she didn’t dwell on it long, for she was more taken by what he was doing.
The boy was pushing a wheelchair over the rough road, bumping along whilst lacking much grace and sometimes tilting precariously to one angle. But the occupant didn’t seem to be too fazed by the rough ride. He had his eyes fixed on Wynne and her father, a gentle smile hung carefully across his mouth. He couldn’t have been very old, though at first Wynne had assumed that he must be very old indeed, given the wheelchair and his snow white hair. But as they drew nearer, Wynne guessed that he couldn’t have been much over forty, given the creases around his eyes and mouth.
His hair was long enough to touch his shoulders, but was neatly brushed and tucked back behind his ears. His complexion was rather white, in a unhealthy, chalky way while his dark green eyes blazed with the same sort of fire that Wynne so often saw in her father’s eyes. Though she thought that in comparing it to a flame, her father’s was more of a bright flickering, when this pallid man would be more of a steady blaze.
His clothes were also spotlessly white, except for the blanket that was draped over his knees, which was the same dark green as his eyes. All in all, his person looked a good deal like a ghost. Pale and fragile enough just to fade away at any moment, and when he extended his hand for her father to shake, she though that his hand was going to pass right through Dad’s.
“Doctor Allen Lewis, at your service!” Dad introduced himself cheerfully, firmly grasping the ghostly man’s hand as the boy pushed the wheelchair onto the rough, padded square near where the car had been parked.
The pale man smiled slowly, looking up at Dad in a manner that suggested he was taking note of him quite carefully. Then his smile grew a little larger and he nodded. “I see. My name is Emrys Walker, and this is my son, Codartharick.” He added, gesturing to the dark-eyed boy, now casually leaning on the wheelchair’s handles. Looking for all the world like he was only there because he father had made him come. “Is this your daughter?” Emrys added, his eyes turning onto Wynne. His smile turned softer, and he spoke more gently then he had been before. “What’s your name?”
“Wynne.” She replied shortly, wishing that she could sound a little nicer with that one statement, but it came out sounding rather rude and abrupt.
Emrys paused, nodding slowly, at which point Dad quickly jumped back into the conversation. “Yes! Well, we are just moving in now as you can see. So we haven’t had a real chance to look around the town. Is it nice?”
The white haired man smiled, “Oh, it’s nice enough. We have a good little community here you could say. I’m afraid to inform you that we’re not the first visitors that you will be receiving today.” There was a short silence, in which Dad smiled and took a breath to keep talking, but then Emrys continued in a low voice. “Then again, it’s possible that you won’t be receiving any more…”
At this, his eyes left their faces for the first time, and he looked up to where the roof of the gigantic house was just peering over the tops of the trees and he didn’t say any more.
This statement was met with an awkward silence. Though Wynne couldn’t entirely explain it, he had spoken with such foreboding that a chill had run up her spine. Not to mention the way that a weariness had come over his face the moment he looked up at the house.
“Well…would you like to come in for coffee?” Wynne finally broke the silence, seeing that her father seemed to be too dumbfounded by the statement to make any sort of continuation of the conversation. “We’re hardly moved in but…”
“Oh, no, no.” Emrys answered, the weariness on his face vanished so completely and so quickly that Wynne was left wondering if she had just imagined it. “I wouldn’t want to trouble you when you’re moving in. And it would be too much of a hassle to try to get me up the stairs.” He gave the wheel of the chair a familiar tap. “But maybe we’ll be meeting again some other time.”
Dad’s stupor was finally broken, and he jumped slightly when Wynne gave him a hard elbow in his ribs. “What? Oh yes! Yes! That would be charming, until later then?”
Emrys gave a brief nod before his son – whose name Wynne had forgotten almost the moment it had been said – wheeled the chair around and started back the way across the street.
For a moment, Wynne and her father were left staring after them, then just when she felt sure that Dad was going to say something, he dashed off towards the moving truck. “Hey!” he was calling. “Be careful with that! It’s terribly expensive!”
How strange Emrys Walker is. Wynne thought, still watching the figure of his son with purple hair pushing the wheelchair off down the street. He seemed almost afraid of the house. Maybe I’ll ask him about it one day… if I ever see him again that is. Then the wheelchair turned a corner and was hidden from sight.
"With all due respect, sir. I distrust your hat entirely."-- Jae Marquis




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Hello jokeless7jester!
I'm Sodapoplunchbox here to review your work(:
I'd like to begin by saying I liked this piece. I didn't read your previous chapter, but this is interesting. I thought the characters names were a bit odd, but hey it gives it a unique touch.

Anyways, be careful with how you work this story. In this chapter, it just sounds like another typical story, new girl comes to town, gets into some trouble(in this case, it would be that her house is probably haunted?) meets a boy, and they fall in love. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing, just find something to make this story different than all the rest.

I found some grammatical issues in here, there are too many to point out specifically though. Just remember when writing to stay in the same tense(Past, Present, Future)

Well thats all I really have to say. Keep writing!(:
-Sodapoplunchbox
I hope you like the stars I stole for you,
One hundred million twinkle lights in neon blue.
I'll be the brightest,
You'll see!




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Hello!

Let me start off to say I didn't read the beginning of this. But I can give you my two cents on this bit.

My first comment is on the slow pace at the start. I'm pretty sure it continues something at the end, but descriptions like that can get boring pretty quickly. You pick up some speed once you say she was nearly crushed by a bookcase and her mom's suggestion of going into town, but the town seems to be promptly forgotten to describe the stairs and the conversation with her dad. This makes it more difficult to follow the forward momentum on the story, almost making it look like their is no forward momentum.

I did like your character voice. It reads like first person, and I had to remind myself once or twice this was in third. The character's voice bleeds into the narrative well, making the descriptions interesting and actually have some relevance to what's going on. But, as I said, you have a few too many details and lose of forward momentum in the story for the plot to really grab me.

Overall, this seems like a pretty interesting story with a good premiss. I'd watch how obvious you make the foreboding nature of the situation, though. Later on, when you have Emrys say they might not have any more visitors, the emphasis on something bad about to happen right around the corner was a bit much for my tastes. It was almost too obvious an emphasis for the statement.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Here for Chapter Two!

I. NITPICKS

Now, she was descending the once elaborate stairs that led up to the house.


descending stairs that lead up?

“I see. My name is Emrys Walker, and this is my son, Codartharick.”


Codar-what? I'm not one to judge on unusual names, but it is a bit of a mouthful, and a little ridiculous, but Wynne doesn't respond, as if it's the most common name in the world.

So we haven’t had a real chance to look around the town. Is it nice?”


What a lovely question to ask about someone's home.

you that we’re not the first visitors that you will be receiving today.”


But they are, because they haven't received any others?

Alright.

II. OOH! MYSTERY!

This is what this little conversation should leave me feeling. I should be totally awestruck and wondering what's going to happen. Only thing is... it's more confusing than anything. He says some stuff that doesn't make sense even in the normal world, then leaves again. His son says nothing. If you want to play for mystery, then play for mystery, but mystery needs that little bit of information in it to keep readers hooked. Because the best thing about mystery is trying to work out what's going on. Emrys really doesn't give us anything to go on, he just seems like a weird old man with a son who doesn't say anything.

III. CHARACTERS

Now you're onto the second chapter, and I'd like to start seeing some more characterisation. Wynne is jumping from being depressed about moving to being happy and wandering around the house. I have no idea who she is- strangely it's her parents whom I'm getting more of a feel for, but even then I don't get too much of a sense of them. And the newcomers, well. I want to see you showing us who these people are, we're with them for the ride and we need to know something about them as soon as we can. Especially Wynne. She's the most important thing in your story, but so far you've only treated her relationship with her parents. I've seen no mention of the friends she's leaving behind, or the house or area. Very little reaction to where they are, just descriptions of the house. Get inside her head and stick there like glue.

IV. OVERALL

Again, it's fine, but not really that interesting.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



One by one they went / And, though each laughed as he returned to earth / Their souls were in their eyes.
— Alfred Noyes (Watchers of the Sky)