The Ugly Truth

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I really could not think of a title.

She had rehearsed the same chorus over and over in her head for over two days now. Her secret had to come out now, she was going to start showing soon anyways. She was pregnant and they had to deal with it. They had to deal with the fact that she was going to have a baby out of wedlock. It was their fault to begin with by trying to hide the truth, the truth of her rape a few months before. The memory still made Atang tear up. She was raped and no one did anything about it; her family ignored the crime to protect their social status. Now this was impossible to ignore, literally. Atang looked up at the orange sky painted with a few clouds. The sun was setting and it never looked so beautiful, so humble. She wished she could fly up to it and be with the clouds, that would be better; but she had to do this now.

Atang stepped into the hut her parents were in after knocking and took a seat after she was ordered to. Her parents were sitting around a fire in an old hut and the smoke from the fire was making her nauseous. Normally when a girl was pregnant according to tradition, she had to talk to her mother first because it was the mother’s responsibility to care and discipline her daughters to initiate them into fine young women. When a situation like Atang’s happens then she has failed her duties and her husband; then the whole village would blame her for not doing her job. The father was going to be blamed for marrying off dirty children despite the fact that he claimed they were pure, which was the case. Anyway, Atang was not about to follow any protocol or tradition, she was going to spill out her truth. She was amazed how the two people she loved most in her life had turned their whole family into a cattle factory. A man with many daughters like her father, was considered rich because when each daughter got married the groom paid bogadi or bride price and it depended on the quality of the girl. If the girl was well educated like most of his daughters then the groom would pay many cows and present many gifts to win him over. Now that Atang was about to finish high school, she had learnt this to be a despicable tradition because it allowed auctioning off the daughter in some sense.
She took a seat and stared them in the eyes, which she was also not supposed to do. Looking your elder directly in the eyes was major disrespect and she knew it, she was just too angry.

“Mother, father, I am expecting a child,” she broke out quickly shutting her eyes to wait for the fireworks after that.

Her mother put her hands on her head as a normal expression of shock; her father stood from his seat and grabbed Atang forcing her to stand,

“Do you realise what you have done? You and this boy are slowly destroying our family and the little reputation it has.”

Atang’s mother begged him to let go of her and he did before he spoke again,

“This cannot be happening, your sister is just about to get married, we cannot afford this,” he resumed back to his seat,

“Woman, take your daughter to another room while I think of a solution to this nonsense.”

Atang's father was very angry; she and her mother went to another hut. She was expecting the reaction and it made her happy. There was nothing they could do to change or forget the past now.
Last edited by ziggiefred on Mon Jun 14, 2010 10:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Good story so far, just make sure you reread it for simple mistakes. I think the part where she told her parents that she was pregnant went a little fast, but other than that everything seemed to go well! It's an interesting sroty and I defiantly give you ppoints for originality =] Look forward to reading more from you!

-iheartbooks♥
"As the hungry are deprived of food, I am deprived of sympathy for those who deprive me of my sanity." ~Anonymous




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Heya ziggie!
You're an avid reviewer, so I thought that it would only be fair for you to get some reviews of your own work! So yeah... here I am. 8)

Red = Corrections
Blue = Things I like
Bold = Suggestions/Comments

She had rehearsed the same chorus over and over in her head for over two days now. This sentence sounded a bit awkward to me. I think that it was because you used the word, 'over', about three times. I'm picky about those kind of things! Her secret had to come out now; she was going to start showing soon anyways. Anyways isn't technically a word, replace it with anyway. She was pregnant and they had to deal with it. I think that a new paragraph would be good here. :wink: They had to deal with the fact that she was going to have a baby out of wedlock. It was their fault to begin with by trying to hide the truth, the truth of her rape a few months before. A new paragraph would be good here, as well. The memory still made Atang tear up. She was raped and no one did anything about it; her family ignored the crime to protect their social status. Now this was impossible to ignore, literally. Atang looked up at the orange sky painted with a few clouds. The sun was setting and it never looked so beautiful, so humble. She wished she could fly up to it and be with the clouds, that would be better[color=#FF0000], but she had to do this now. You have some nice imagery here. :)

Atang stepped into the hut her parents were in, after knocking, and took a seat after she was ordered to. Her parents were sitting around a fire in an old hut and the smoke from the fire was making her nauseous. Normally, when a girl was pregnant, according to tradition, she had to talk to her mother first because it was the mother’s responsibility to care and discipline her daughters. They had to initiate them into fine young women. New paragraph here!When a situation like Atang’s happened, then she had failed her duties and her husband; then the whole village would blame her for not doing her job. You changed tenses in this last part, be careful of that. I've corrected it for you, though. The father was going to be blamed for marrying off dirty children, despite the fact that he claimed they were pure, which was the case. New paragraph here as well would be nice. Anyway, Atang was not about to follow any protocol or tradition, she was going to spill out her truth. She was amazed how the two people she loved most in her life had turned their whole family into a cattle factory. A man with many daughters like her father, was considered rich because when each daughter got married, the groom paid bogadi or bride price and it depended on the quality of the girl. If the girl was well educated like most of his daughters, then the groom would pay many cows and present many gifts to win him over. Now that Atang was about to finish high school, she had learnt this to be a despicable tradition because it allowed auctioning off the daughter in some sense.

She took a seat and stared them in the eyes, which she was also not supposed to do. Looking your elder directly in the eyes was major disrespect and she knew it, she was just too angry.

“Mother, father, I am expecting a child,” she broke out quickly, shutting her eyes to wait for the fireworks after that.

Her mother put her hands on her head as a normal expression of shock; her father stood from his seat and grabbed Atang, forcing her to stand,

“Do you realise what you have done? You and this boy are slowly destroying our family and the little reputation it has.”

Atang’s mother begged him to let go of her and he did before he spoke again,

“This cannot be happening! Your sister is just about to get married, we cannot afford this,” he resumed back to his seat, I thought that an exclamation point sounded good here. :wink:

“Woman, take your daughter to another room while I think of a solution to this nonsense.”

Atang's father was very angry; Show, don't tell! she and her mother went to another hut. She was expecting the reaction and it made her happy. There was nothing they could do to change or forget the past now.



Overall

This was pretty good. It definitely needs some work, but I still liked this and I can see that you do have talent as a writer. I can't comment all that much on the plot and the concept of this because there wasn't really one. The idea itself was rather cliché; girl gets pregnant, parents hate that fact and get angry. I'm not sure of you want to write more parts of this, but if you do, this next part won't mean as much to you. As one story, this piece doesn't really stand very well. This seems more like a scene than a whole story. If this is a part from a story, that's fine though! :wink: Although this is true, I like the original twist that you've put in this. The whole thing about the tradition was pretty cool. I also get the impression that this is set kind of out of civilization, if you know what I mean. If it is, I like it! Your grammar was also pretty good, just the odd misused comma here and there. As for your spelling, as far as I'm aware, it was flawless.

My main critique about this piece is your paragraphing. As you may have noticed, I noted the areas where a new paragraph might have been nice. Paragraphs are important because when a reader sees a giant clump of writing, they immediately shy it off and aren't too keen on reading it. By including more paragraphs, it makes the writing look neater and it also appeals to more reviewers. If you're not too sure about where exactly you need to start a new paragraph, it's simple. When you begin talking about something different, you must start a new paragraph. To be honest, paragraphing doesn't have to be perfect, just more or less! That's what I think anyway. Other people might be more picky and tell you to use paragraphing completely correctly, but I'm not one of those people... so yeah. :lol: Like I said before, I did note the areas where I felt a new paragraph would have been good. I definitely think that you should consider editing this a bit and sorting those paragraphs out.

My other critique is the vagueness of this. By that, I mean that we don't really know all that much about what's going on. You said that the MC got raped, didn't you? I'd like to know more about that. I don't want you to be really specific, that would be... ew... What I would like to know though is when did it happen? How did it happen? Why was she raped? Was it just a random attack? I'd also like to know more about your MC herself. To begin with, how old is she? Why do her parents behave the way they do when speaking to her? Where does she live? It is very important to let us readers know about your characters backgrounds. If we know more about the characters, we feel more connected to them. That is always a very important thing in a story; the characters are important, after all. When a reader can emphasize with the characters, it makes the story ten times better! Also, the fact that I feel this is a bit rushed is part of the reason this is vague. I especially found that the discussion between your MC and her parents was a bit rushed. You should have described your characters actions a bit more, in my opinion. :)

Although there were some negatives to this piece, there were definitely positives too. Like I said before, I like how you've used quite a cliché idea but put your own unique twist to it. That's something that is very important when working with an idea that is rather cliché. The only way you can make a cliché idea work well is by making it unique, like you have done. If this is only a part of a story, you should keep that up! There were some grammatical errors that I corrected, but it wasn't too bad at all. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what I've said, then edit this up a bit. If you do that, you will have a very nice piece of writing here, in my opinion!

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Hey this is a great story and i think the title fits into the story. Continue it! I want to know more..the ending if there is.
A good story is something that is readable and understandable regardless of the length




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Hey Ziggie.
Although you've got a good review from Skins and mine might look like a repetition but I want to stress more on th poins if they have been made earlier.

Onto the nit-picks:
The sun was setting and it never looked so beautiful, so humble.
Even though this line is good and has no grammar problem, I think it would be nice if you put 'before' at the end of the sentence just to make it more dramatic.

Normally when a girl was pregnant according to tradition, she had to talk to her mother first because it was the mother’s responsibility to care and discipline her daughters to initiate them into fine young women.
I don't exactly know why but I really liked this sentence a lot.

She took a seat and stared them in the eyes, which she was also not supposed to do. Okay so the part after the comma seemed so bad. Write this: ..., which wasn't supposed to be done. Looking your elders directly in the eyes was a major disrespect and she knew it,No need of the comma but she was just too angry.


“Mother, father, I am expecting a child,” she broke out quickly shutting her eyes to wait for the fireworks after that to start.


Although there were less grammar mistakes but this didn't at all struch me as 'wow'. The imagery wasn't there and no descripion of any of the characters or the environment. It was plain-I mena it was good according to an author's draft just so that a writer can sketch the scene a bit. Only you described the colour of the sky and how it looked, which no dout was excellent.

The story and the idea behind it was nice but somewhat I couldn't feel the tension the speaker was. I mean she's preganant and going to tell her parents that, which is not a small issue or a normal thing and especiallly not where she belongs from which I have no idea of where is, apart from, that people there are conservative. I liked the tradititonal word you used there but I would have loved to ee mor of them and learn more bout her culture or atleast whre the setting is.

The story was really plain and you could efinitely add some good imagery here to make it more imoressive and interesting to the readers. Like she is going to become a mother so she must be feeling somehting for her child or the boy who raped her. Pen down every emotion she can possibly have- trauma, tension, replulsion, anger, fear, eerything.

If you work on those points, I think you have an interesting concept at your hand. So don't let it go to waste and make it beautiful.

Best of luck. PM me when you pot more or edit it.

~Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore



I am deeply disturbed by your ability to meow.
— Carina