Cineraceus: Prologue(Edited)

The field was a pale green with butterflies insects and searching around for their food. The sun rose out from a cluster of pine trees, reflecting the tiny water droplets, and creating enough light for a small young girl to be seen. From far away anyone could have sworn it was just an overgrown patch of grass with a few branches, but as you grew closer you could see a figure. She had an olive green dress draping over her knees, exposing her bare legs. Ebony hair covered her face and shielded her from the mosquitoes, and gnats picking at the delicate features .Her dark brown skin seemed to glow; her eyelashes batted against her eyes. And her faint red lips began to slowly move as if she were trying to speak.

And if you watched closely you could see her body began to turn towards the sun now peaking over the top of the trees, and letting everything admire its red-orange glow. Unexpectedly she opened her fiery ash-gray eyes, and a sharp inhale was heard from her mouth.

The skies then began to change color, and the trees turn to every color on the spectrum changing alternately, and the critters once by her flying away with an increasing wind speed. Gradually her once fiery eyes began to calm, and she disappeared. Anyone that would recall what had just happened would also disappear.


This is my edited prologue I tried to make this one better than the first, and took everyone's advice and went to the Show not tell topic well. I hope you guys like it! Thanks again for taking time to read this! Thanks for your advice again

Liked this a lot!! Anyhoo... You certainly paint a picture, and I can't really see any spelling errors, so... there's nothing wrong with it. I'm looking forward to the continuing chapters! Keep Writing!!!

Hey its Kaedee, here to review! You did pretty well on the first few paragraphs. I liked them. They were very interesting, but the last two paragraphs were confusing. Here are my corrections.

Corrections:

nativecatcher wrote:The field was a pale green with butterflies, and insects roaming around searching for their food.

Don't need the comma. You should say 'searching around it'. I don't think you should say 'roaming'...it doesn't really suit insects well. You could also say 'in search of their food' instead of 'searching for their food'.

nativecatcher wrote:The sun rose out from a cluster of pine trees reflecting the tiny water droplets, and creating enough light for a small young girl to be seen.

I would have a comma after 'trees'.

nativecatcher wrote:From far away anyone could have sworn it was just an overgrown patch of grass with a few stick branches, but as you grew closer you could see a figure form.

You don't need the word 'stick'. I would write the second half of the sentence like this: ', but if one looked closer they would see a figure.' You don't need 'form'.

nativecatcher wrote:She had an olive green dress draping over her knees, and exposing her bare legs. Ebony hair covered her face and shielded her from the mosquitoes, wasp, and bird picking at the delicate features on her face. Her dark brown skin seemed to glow; her eyelashes batted against her eyes, and her faint red lips began to slowly move as if she were trying to speak.

I like how descriptive you are of this girl; you did a nice job. I would say 'She wore an olive green dress draping over her knees, exposing her bare legs.' You should say 'wasps' and 'birds'...but why would birds peck at someone's face? And if you mean that, the wasps and mosquitoes shouldn't even be there...'cuz the bird would eat them up! At the end of the sentence, you can just say 'delicate features'. I don't know what you mean by 'her eyelashes batted against her eyes' and 'her faint red lips began to slowly move as if she were trying to speak' does not fit in that sentence, because of tense problems, etc. You shouldn't use a ; in that sentence...you should just break it into two sentences.

nativecatcher wrote:And if you watched closely you could see her body began to turn towards the sun now peaking over the top of the trees, and letting everything admire its red-orange glow. Unexpectedly opened her ash-gray eyes spastically, and a sharp inhale was heard from her mouth.

This is confusing. You were describing her, and now...? You should start a new paragraph here. You are missing the word 'she' in the second sentence. 'Spastically' is not a word. You ought to perhaps re-write this area? You also change tenses mid-sentence.

nativecatcher wrote:The skies then began to change color, and the trees turn to every color on the spectrum changing alternately, and the critters once by her flying away with an increasing wind speed. Gradually her once fiery eyes began to calm, and she disappeared. If anyone who could recall what they saw, what then instantly fall to the ground, and would never be heard or seen again.

This part is also confusing. When were her eyes fiery? You are missing some words. 'If anyone who could recall what they saw, what then instantly fall to the ground, and would never be heard or seen again.' I don't understand.

I hope I helped! Keep on writing-

KD

Thanks for helping I took your advice and made the changes!I hope it's better now and easier to understand.

Hi nativecatcher
I really like this prologue as it paints a really good picture of what is happening for the reader.
midnightread

nativecatcher wrote: and wasp picking at the delicate features .

I don't think youn meant to say wasp. Am I wrong? Other then that very good!

Actually I did mean to say that but if it doesn't make sense I'll change it to another insect or fly or whatever.

Thanks for all of your help!