The City of Elementals, Chapter 2.

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I've written a few chapters so far, but once you see chapter four up it'll start coming slower. :) This chapter is quite a bit longer than the last one, just a warning.

Like I always tell you guys; tear it to shreds.

CHAPTER TWO





After the meeting was over I went to my house. I opened the door and walked inside. The room was pretty empty, with a fireplace, a bed, a trunk, and a table. I hurried to the trunk and opened it. I had weapons inside that I had acquired when the group of survivors had traveled across the countryside to Golni. I had gotten my hands on a short sword, two bejeweled daggers, a bottle of poison on a leather string, and a bow with arrows.
I slung the bow and arrows across my back, put the poison around my neck, and put the sword and daggers around my waist. I smiled. Now I’m ready.

I slipped out of my house, closing the door behind me. The streets were now empty. I crept down the streets and passed the borders of the town.

A cold wind blew in from the mountains to the south, and I shivered. I strode towards the river. It flowed north, out of the mountains, went past Golni, and eventually reached the sea. There was a cave near it that the children loved to play in, which was now inhabited by some creature. As I got closer to the cave the world went silent.

There was no sound, no crickets, no bats; I couldn’t even hear the river, which was about a hundred feet away.

I reached a steep slope. I didn’t hesitate, and climbed up. I was walking ankle-deep in fine ash. There was the cave mouth, darker than the night sky above me. I heard the sound of deep breathing. I’m in luck; it’s asleep. I was at the entrance of the cave.

A wave of warm air washed over me, smelling strongly of dust and dead things. My heart was pumping much faster than it should, and my limbs were shaking. I lit a torch and crept inside the cave, and was greeted by a sight that I would never forget.

Bones covered the walls, in a horrendous display of cruelty. Some of the bones were so twisted and broken that they didn’t look like bones anymore. There were human and animal skulls grinning at me from their places in the wall, forever trapped in what had used to be a place full of children laughing. It was now silent, and full of an evil feeling.

I felt sick, and kept my eyes away from the walls. I walked through the cave, being careful to be as silent as possible.

A few minutes later I reached the end. A wave of pure shock washed over me when I saw what was in front of me. A man dressed in black robes was lying on the cave floor. He had long black hair that was darker than the cave. He was terrifyingly beautiful, and I felt myself both attracted to him and repulsed by him.

I saw a marking above his left eye. A black swirl was engraved into his skin. I gasped and stumbled backwards, landing hard on the ground. My gasp and the sound of my hitting the ground echoed around the cave, magnified several times.

A shadow demon. This cave has been infested by a filthy shadow demon! I was horrified. The demon opened its eyes, and looked directly at me. Sure enough, he had the red eyes that all demons had. I let out a scream and scrambled to my feet, running towards the entrance of the cave. I heard the demon behind me, taking his time.

I tripped and ran headfirst into a wall.

Stars danced in front of my eyes, and I groaned. “You can’t get out.” A harsh voice said from behind me.

I whirled around to see the demon examining me, seeming interested in my weapons. “Wh-Who are you?” I asked. The demon smiled coldly.
“I think the question is, who are you, and why did you intrude on my nap?” I was shaking from fear, and couldn’t answer. “Well come on, don’t be shy.” I felt a stab of pain in my stomach. I let out a yelp. H-

***

“Father told me to make sure you were eating, instead of ignoring your food completely,” said a voice from behind me. I sighed, exasperated.
“Marika, I was going to eat.” I heard the door close. I sighed again and picked up a piece of bread. I was getting hungry.

***

He smiled. “Yes, it hurts doesn’t it? It’ll hurt a lot more if you don’t answer me.” I groaned, but didn’t answer. He sighed, seeming disappointed.

“Maybe this will teach you never to interrupt a demon while he’s sleeping.” He said. He reached into a pocket of his robes and pulled out a small shiny black stone. He held it carefully, as if it could explode at any moment. A twisted grin took over his features. “Into darkness I was sent, without mourning or lament.” He chanted. A helpless fear filled me. The stone began to shake.

“A mortal, made of flesh and bone, intruded on my newfound home.” I couldn’t move, and a chill ran down my spine. The stone shook more.

“By the souls of the bones on these walls, may her soul never find its way to the Holy Halls.” I let out a scream. He looked excited now. The stone was shaking so much that it looked like it was going to explode.

“Into a forbidden place she went, and now she must suffer eternal torment.” He stopped and the stone flew from his hand, and sunk into the palm of my right hand. He grinned in triumph. For a moment nothing happened. Then a dark splotch appeared on my hand, and suddenly my body felt as if it was burning. I shrieked and tears ran down my face. He smiled. “Goodbye mortal.” He turned and walked away, and the wall that I was leaning on disappeared.

I fell backwards down the slope, tumbling head over heels in the ash. I slid to a stop on my stomach at the bottom. I screeched. I spat out some ash, crying pitifully. My body wasn’t showing any sign of the pain that was surging through my veins, tearing down my defenses and reducing me to a shivering howling animal, scrabbling to be free.

Several hours later I was still lying at the bottom of the hill, moaning. I had long since run out of tears. Come on Teresa, get up. Pain is a state of mind. I forced myself to stand, but a huge increase in pain surged through me, sending me to the ground again. I can’t do this. I couldn’t stand it, this all-consuming thing.

Then I heard the river rushing by. An idea came to my head. I narrowed my eyes, and a sudden iron resolve came over me. I climbed to my feet, wincing as the pain intensified. I strode towards the river, a determined glimmer in my eyes. Or maybe it was tears. There was the river, shimmering like liquid silver in the moonlight. I didn’t hesitate when I reached the bank, and threw myself in.

The water enveloped me. It was freezing, but yet my skin still burned. The current swept me downstream, tossing me this way and that. The last of the air in my lungs bubbled out of my mouth, fleeing to the surface like frightened mice running from a particularly angry cat. But I didn’t die.

At first I was confused. Then I remembered. “By the souls of the bones on these walls, may her soul never find its way to the Holy Halls.”
Immortal. That filthy demon made me immortal! The current sped up noticeably. That was when I realized that I was headed for the waterfall.

I was falling, fast. The pain still raced through my body like a plague, burning like a wildfire. Water pounded down on me, causing me to fall faster.
The next thing I knew I was shoved under the water. My lungs were screaming for air, but still it didn’t kill me. I hit my head on the bottom. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was crimson blood, floating in the water before my eyes.

---

When I woke up I knew something was different. For one thing, I could breathe. And for another, the pain had faded. But the most noticeable difference didn’t become apparent until I opened my eyes. The world had lost its color completely and utterly I was lying under a tree next to the river. I couldn’t hear the river, but I could see it rushing by. There was a figure sitting next to my head, looking at something in their hands. For some reason I recognized this person, but I couldn’t remember where I recognized them from. I collected my thoughts enough to speak. “Who are you?”

The figure looked up. I gasped. They looked exactly like me, but oddly different; older, wiser. “Don’t you know me Teresa?”

I nodded slowly. “You’re Death aren’t you?” Death nodded. Oddly enough, I wasn’t afraid. Death looked back down at the thing.

“What is that?” I asked.

Death didn’t look back up. “The time left in your life Teresa. And there’s something definitely wrong with it.” Death held up a large hourglass. It had a wooden frame that was obviously made out of a dark wood, possibly mahogany. The glass itself was perfectly clear. But neither of those things interested me. It was the sand inside the hourglass. It was a cream color. About a seventh of it was in the bottom, and the rest at the top.

None of the sand was falling down into the bottom.

I stared at it for a second. “Yes, that would be a problem wouldn’t it?”

------------------

Yes, I know the rhyme sucks, but I can't do poetry. I spent about fifteen minutes coming up with it.
Just another quack spouting psychobabble.

"If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm mad. That's the way history is written."




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Woah! You have me hooked. The last few lines... I just found it amazing. What a wonderful way to write a story.

I am still wondering about the person who is writing this. How old is she (I think it's a she!)? What is her significance? Why mention her at all? Is it supposed to be you, the writer? haha

I am still confused about why your character ran to the cave. Why did she find it her job to go and try to destroy it?

Hmm... Keep writing! I am excited!

Classy




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Phoenix her to do the next review. I see there is only one review to this so I'll nit pick unlike last time.


After the meeting was over I went to my house. I opened the door and walked inside. The room was pretty empty, with a fireplace, a bed, a trunk, and a table. I hurried to the trunk and opened it. I had weapons inside that I had acquired when the group of survivors had traveled across the countryside to Golni. I had gotten my hands on a short sword, two bejeweled daggers, a bottle of poison on a leather string, and a bow with arrows.
I slung the bow and arrows across my back, put the poison around my neck, and put the sword and daggers around my waist. I smiled. Now I’m ready.


Before you said she was normal. What about this is normal.


A cold wind blew in from the mountains to the south, and I shivered. I strode towards the river. It flowed north, out of the mountains, went past Golni, and eventually reached the sea. There was a cave near it that the children loved to play in, which was now inhabited by some creature. As I got closer to the cave the world went silent.


I think you're sending her to the cave too soon. I think we should have time to get to know her better by having her interact with other characters.



A wave of warm air washed over me, smelling strongly of dust and dead things. My heart was pumping much faster than it should, and my limbs were shaking. I lit a torch and crept inside the cave, and was greeted by a sight that I would never forget.


Number 1 A wave of and you have another one in another paragraph about shock. Get rid of one.
Describe dead things better

It was now silent, and full of an evil feeling.

Describe better


A shadow demon. This cave has been infested by a filthy shadow demon! I was horrified.


Show don't tell


I tripped and ran headfirst into a wall.


Why is she even there if she is easily unnerved and clumsy.





“Father told me to make sure you were eating, instead of ignoring your food completely,” said a voice from behind me. I sighed, exasperated.
“Marika, I was going to eat.” I heard the door close. I sighed again and picked up a piece of bread. I was getting hungry.


I think you can make these sections longer. You're a writer, what goes on ibn your head when you're writing. Whatever it is, add it.


I fell backwards down the slope, tumbling head over heels in the ash. I slid to a stop on my stomach at the bottom. I screeched. I spat out some ash, crying pitifully. My body wasn’t showing any sign of the pain that was surging through my veins, tearing down my defenses and reducing me to a shivering howling animal, scrabbling to be free.


Really nice description.


At first I was confused. Then I remembered. “By the souls of the bones on these walls, may her soul never find its way to the Holy Halls.”
Immortal. That filthy demon made me immortal! The current sped up noticeably. That was when I realized that I was headed for the waterfall.


If that's true he can't exactly call her mortal upon his exit.

Overall really good and had me wanting to read on. Just the few nit picks I stated. I really do want to see more of the writer, and the story is should be slowed down a bit as I said. Other then that good description.

On to the next part.
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~



I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe