Aradel's Daughter Chapter VII

Chapter VII - Greeted

Cela squinted as her eyes adjusted to the dark lighting in the cabin. She wiped her feet off on the old welcome mat, long past its prime, that was now losing it's ability to clear off dirt. In front of her was a worn rocking chair that she remembered.

Cela was five. Terrin was twelve. The rocking chair
sat in the corner of their small apartment, which they
shared with their mother. Already without a father, he
had recently died in the war. Their mother had told
them to never, ever, EVER touch the chair.
But of course, as small children do, they both
walked up to the old rickety chair.
"I double dog dare you to sit in the chair,"
Terrin taunted. Cela, who was after all, only five at
the time, agreed.
As she walked to the chair, and slowly sat down,
a voice yelled in her ear, "DON'T!" But of course, she
was oblivious to the fact, and sat down anyway.
Out of nowhere there was a blast of electricity,
and a fire started in the stove.
"Oh god!" Terrin yelled, grabbing their mothers
cell, and Cela's hand. He dialed 9-1-1...

The memory dissolved in her mind, that was all she could remember. It was like trying to hold water in your two cupped hands, you could keep some of it, but eventually it would all slip away through the cracks.

"Come on," Bryn said, taking Cela through the house, to a small alcove off of the living room, with a couch in the corner, and a tall backed chair facing away from them. Just peeking over the back of the chair, Cela could see the top of a head, that was covered with curly red hair.

"Hello Bryn," A smooth voice said, an older man most obviously. "I see you brought a guest with you, and she recognizes the chair. Yes, this is good." Nothing he said made sense to Cela, but none the less she followed Bryn to the couch, his voice sounded familiar, close to Terrin's own evil tone. Before her own eyes was an amazing site, her father...



"Daddy?" She said without thinking. Suddenly she was once again a small girl, running up to hug her father before he went away to fight in the war. But no, that was many many years ago.

"Welcome home Cela." Her father, Tristan replied warmly, opening his arms to allow his daughter to hug him tightly. Cela obliged immediately, running to the man that she had not seen in years, and embracing him.

She cried tears of joy, and Tristan used his two fingers to wipe them from her face. She smiled at him, and stood back up, joining Bryn on the couch. Bryn let her arm rest on Cela's shoulders, and smiled at her.

"Hello Tristan, how good it is to see you again!" Bryn exclaimed.

"You too," Tristan replied, "I am sure young Cela wants to know how I survived the war, but I am afraid I shall have to save that story for another time. For there is a more pressing mater at hand, Terrin.

"My own son, driving the forces of evil. I know you tried Bryn, but by now he is surely turned."

"Yes," Bryn said, "Xavier confirmed that fear. He is already past the first week, we must wait a few days before attempting anything. As you both know right now he is at the height of his power, and I wouldn't want to go after him right now."

"Of course Bryn," Tristan continued, "But we must act quickly, and catch him at his weakest point. We simply can't allow this to continue."

"Yes, yes..." Bryn said, trailing off. "Tristan, I don't suppose you've seen Salenca of late?"

"Ah, speak of the devil, there she is," He said, pointing out a small glass window. And there Sal was, standing out in the fresh autumn air.

"How long has she been here?" Bryn asked, but Cela did not wait to hear her fathers reply. She ran out the door yelling.

"SALENCA!" She cried, "Oh my god, you're alive!" Sal ran up to Cela, and swung her around in a great circle.

"Yes, I am very well alive. It is only due to Tristan that I survived as well, without him I never would have made it this far. For all the much that he looks like Terrin, he sure has a different perspective on life. Terrin lives in that grand castle, and Tristan here lives in this cozy little cottage hidden in the woods." Salenca said as she let Cela down.
"Yeah, if they didn't look alike you could never tell that they were related." Cela replied.

"True, now come on Cela, I know you don't want to listen to our boring talk, but undermining evil forces is hard work you know!" Salenca remarked, and they both laughed as they walked back into the house.



Inside Tristan and Bryn were seriously talking about plans. How would they get back to the castle, how would they take down Terrin, who would take down Terrin, and more pressing...

"Who is going to cook tonight?" Tristan said, a serious look on his face under which there hid a grin.

"Me 'n Cela will do it!" Sal volunteered them, pulling Cela towards the small kitchen.
They started a pot of water to boil, and Salenca pulled out a chunk of meat from the fridge, slicing it thin with a butchers knife. She gave Cela the task of slicing vegetables, and soon Cela had a pile of carrots, potatoes, celery, and other such things next to her. Salenca slid the meat into the pot, and soon the cabin smelled like cooking.
Later Cela slid in the vegetables, and finally Sal stirred in some spices, the stew was complete. They divided it into three bowls, Bryn did not need to eat. But it was near time for her to hunt.

As Cela, Salenca, and Tristan settled down at the table to eat, Bryn slid out the door to hunt. The stew was delicious, a flavor that Cela had not tasted for a long while. She let the spices dance across her tongue, and enjoyed a wonderful dinner with her father that she hadn't seen in thirteen long years.

Hiya there!

I haven't read any of the previous chapters so this review won't have much to do with the plot. Just a few errors is what I'll be pointing out.

She wiped her feet off on the old welcome mat, long past its prime, that was now losing it's ability to clear off dirt.

The end of this sentence doesn't seem to flow properly. Try reading it aloud and you'll see how jarring it sounds. But I'll show you one way you can fix it. This is just an example too:

She wiped her feet on the old welcome mat, which was long past its prime and losing all ability to clear off dirt.

I'm sure the part in italics doesn't have to be in a long column the way it is now. It just being in italics shows your reader that it's a memory.

Already without a father, he had recently died in the war.

I would replace the comma with the word "for" because it flows much better.

"Oh god!"

God should be capitilized

The memory dissolved in her mind, that was all she could remember.

This should be two different setences to add more effect. Sometimes short, choppy sentences add more effect then long ones. Don't be afraid to use them sometimes!

"Come on," Bryn said, taking Cela through the house, to a small alcove off of the living room, with a couch in the corner, and a tall backed chair facing away from them.

See? Here is another long sentence. Try doing something like this:

"Come on," Bryn said. He took Cela...

Just peeking over the back of the chair, Cela could see the top of a head, that was covered with curly red hair.

You don't need the comma after head. It's jarring and there is no need for it to be there. Try reading your sentences aloud to get the feel of them. You'll defiantly know when there is a natural pause so you don't force pauses into it.

"Hello Bryn," A smooth voice said, an older man most obviously.

The wording in this sentence is a tad off. Here's another example on how you can fix it:

"Helle Bryn," a smooth voice greeted, telling the newcomers the speaker was an older man.

Not the greatest example, but you can spice up your work with a few more descriptive words.

"Daddy?" She said without thinking.

I noticed you did this a lot. And I used to explain it all so perfectly so, sorry in advance if I confuse you.

In dialogue, when you have a sentence like this:

"What the hell are you doing?" demanded Josh as he gazed at the fallen deer.

You don't need to captilize the dialogue tag or any "he's" or "she's". It isn't the end of a sentence.

The time to capitilize after dialogue is here:

"What the hell am I doing? Getting supper!" Brian bent down and began to skin the deer with his hunting blade.

It's a new sentence so it has to be capitilized.

~~~~~~

Commas: You have way too many commas where they don't need to be. Like I said above, try reading your sentences above and you'll notice where those commas don't need to be

Description: I'm a description bug and I feel you need a bit more description in here. You skim over the little details like with Salenca standing outside. Then all of a sudden the MC is outside with her. Also, give your characters some actions and just spice it all up!

This was interesting, you just need to work on a few areas. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me! Good luck!

Meadow

I'm back!
Lets give this a brutal Critique shall we?


The Review

In front of her was a the worn rocking chair that she remembered so clearly.

Better?

Cela was five. Terrin was twelve. The rocking chair
sat in the corner of their small apartment, which they
shared with their mother. Already without a father, he
had recently died in the war. Their mother had told
them to never, ever, EVER touch the chair.
But of course, as small children do, they both
walked up to the old rickety chair.
"I double dog dare you to sit in the chair,"
Terrin taunted. Cela, who was after all, only five at
the time, agreed.
As she walked to the chair, and slowly sat down,
a voice yelled in her ear, "DON'T!" But of course, she
was oblivious to the fact, and sat down anyway.
Out of nowhere there was a blast of electricity,
and a fire started in the stove.
"Oh god!" Terrin yelled, grabbing their mothers
cell, and Cela's hand. He dialed 9-1-1...

If this is a flashback/dream then I suggest you write it completely in normal italics instead of writing it like a poem. But as usual it is your choice to make.

The memory dissolved in her mind, that was all she could remember. It was like trying to hold water in your twocupped hands, you could keep some of it, but eventually it would all slip away through the cracks.

The word two is not very necessary in the above sentence as the idea is already given from the cupped hands.

Before her own eyes was an amazing sitesight, her father...

I think sight is what you meant to say.

But no, that was many many years ago.

Many many years ago does not fit in here. It looks as if you forced the objecting words into the sentence. (Okay yeah I know that I'm supposed to be reviewing your story and not personifying the words you used, but that's how I feel )

For there is a more pressing matter at hand, Terrin.

It's matter, a small spelling mistake.

"Yes, I am very well alive. It is only due to Tristan that I survived as well, without him I never would have made it this far. For all the much that he looks like Terrin, he sure has a different perspective on life. Terrin lives in that grand castle, and Tristan here lives in this cozy little cottage hidden in the woods." Salenca said as she let Cela down.

After almost one whole week of not seeing each other and this is the first thing Sal decides to tell Cela? What kind of friend is she anyway? o.O

"Who is going to cook tonight?" Tristan said, a serious look on his face under which there hid a grin.

Hahaha, loved this part, a pinch of humor in your story is indeed very good. Well done.

Salenca slid the meat into the pot, and soon the cabin smelled like cooking.

like cooking is childish and doesn't give a good meaning a the ready already knows that the cottage should smell of cooking as the characters are already cooking. try something like -

Salenca slid the meat into the pot, and soon the cabin smelled of [insert some kind of food like vegetable salad or something here]

She let the spices dance across her tongue, and enjoyed a wonderful dinner with her father thatwho she hadn't seen in thirteen long years.

Very well done for a ending line. Your getting better at this

Characters

While I can understand the father's attitude towards Cela, which you did portray very well indeed, Sal still seems to be somewhat of a comical relief character. She shows no emotion (only to an extent) on seeing Cela after so long. And she seems happy and light-headed even though someone she knew and *cherished?* has now become the leader of the forces of evil.

It's a little awkward for the reader when he/she sees simple mistakes like this that can lead to larger mistakes. Try to polish your characters a little and you'll get a better story.

Pace

The pace of this chapter is a little too fast. It seemed as though you wanted to get to the part where Cela meets her father as soon as possible. It was very confusing at the beginning of the story where you jumped straight from the dream to Bryn leading them into an alcove to where her father was. Give it a little intro like paragraph so the reader can get cozy into the setting of the cottage before he/she is suddenly shocked and surprised at the recent plot twist.


Comments and Anything else

Well, I'm happy to say that for me this story reads like Harry Potter (Although I can't say that yet as you haven't finished the story ). Its a great original plot and although it contains Vampires which itself is a cliche, you've managed to make it original with your wonderful idea. Well Done!

Also you should have given a small introduction like paragraph at the start of the chapter. Something to make the setting a little more 3D(If you get what I mean). In other words, all you did was tell the reader that you were in a cabin, with a mat and a worn rocking chair. This is certainly not much. You haven't given the reader a good view of the inside of the cabin. Was the rest empty? Well then why didn't you state it? It may have been obvious to you, but it is certainly not obvious to the reader.

Hmm, I think I've touched all aspects of the chapter that I could touch. I hope my review was as good as your story. Well done again. PM me when you post your next chapter or if you need help on something or if you need a review.

Keep Writing!

See Ya Soon,

-Fire-

All right!!! Thank you, both of you! I'll be looking through this once I get to editing these chapters!!!