Star-Flight (Prologue)

Prologue
Death

Steon walked up to the hangman’s noose. This was it,he thought. No more could he walk down the gravel streets, pretending nothing was wrong. No more could he stand out in the rain, hoping it could wash away his endless charade.
Was this all there was to life? He began to question himself. People condemn you for something that you have absolutely no control over? In his own eyes Steon could not see how he had wronged anyone.
A sudden gust of wind blew Steon's long hair toward the west, and the setting sun.
Now they sat there, waiting for him to be hung, watching, waiting for his visit to the shadows. Their words
hung heavily around Steon, witch, they called him, but what could he do? It was not like he could stop the force of nature that caused him to change every night at sun down. In his transformed state, he couldn’t help, or stop the killings.

He was to be hung, for being a werewolf...

∆

I took a final look through my eyes, sweeping over the varied crowd, and across the plains in the distance, the impenetrable forest stands behind me, a large, crooked, dying tree to my left. The sky is red in the distance, I may have a chance.

The last I am able to remember of that night is the pain...

∆

Steon’s clothing split down his back, and his ears grew tall, and pointed, shifting on his head like those of a dog. His body became cover with thick red-brown fur. His canines grew longer, and his hands turned into paws. His eyes became a fearful glowing yellow. His transition was complete. He was no longer the frail man that had been in prison for months, he was rejuvenated and strong.

Stepping back he lunged off the platform in a powerful dive. His sharp teeth dug into the light skin of the people that had been goggling at him only seconds before.

A young girl, who looked like she was may hap, in her early twenties just stood there, going over her plan. She grabbed a fair, sturdy length of rope off her back, and put the sounding screams out of mind. She carefully studied the wolfs every movement, and struck. Like lighting, with sheer speed that was not human, she darted around and circled the werewolf. Her glowing, blood red eyes shone, and her long blonde hair swung around her. Her skin was the palest it could be without being white. Quickly she brought the rope into Steon’s clashing teeth, and gracefully jumped on his back. The few people that were left alive looked upon her like a marvelous sight, not to be bothered. She lead the wolf away from the gallows, to a small cave, where she turned the rope into a harness and tied Steon to the caves wall. Here she waited, until the first rays of mornings light shown above the trees...

~~~~~
Well, tell me what you think, Crit as hard as you want. Just one question, should I post first chapter, second, etc... here, or start a new topic????

Hi, Elentari; I'll be your reviewer for today.

Steon walked up to the hangman’s noose.

I'm not terribly fond of the phrase "walked up"; it feels a bit weak and is not descriptive enough. Try for a stronger verb--does he stumble towards the noose? Calmly approach it? How he approaches his death will reveal quite a bit about his character.

This was it,he thought.

Space between comma and "he".

A sudden gust of wind blew Steon's long hair toward the west, and the setting sun.

I like the way of integrating your description of the character with the text; too often beginning authors tend to rely on massive info-dumps to explain their characters' appearances. So good job. I do think the sentence would flow better as "towards the setting sun in the west", though.

Now they sat there, waiting for him to be hung, watching, waiting for his visit to the shadows.

Who exactly are "they"? Maybe you're trying to keep it intentionally vague, but as it is now it's a bit too vague. Are "they" the townspeople? Then say "townspeople" from the get-go, so the reader knows who this nebulous "they" are.

Their words
hung heavily around Steon, witch, they called him, but what could he do? It was not like he could stop the force of nature that caused him to change every night at sun down. In his transformed state, he couldn’t help, or stop the killings.

The comma after "Steon" should be a semicolon.

I do like this paragraph--it really makes you feel sorry for the guy and introduces some major conflict without info-dumping. I keep mentioning info-dumping, but probably it's because I've seen it too much on this site. >_> So it's good, the way that you subtly build up your world within the flow of the narrative. And I like how resigned Steon's voice is coming; he's not angry about his death, but seems to accept that it's inevitable because of what he is.

He was to be hung, for being a werewolf...

This would probably work better without the "..." at the end; it would make the sentence shorter and more emphatic.

∆

I took a final look through my eyes, sweeping over the varied crowd, and across the plains in the distance, the impenetrable forest stands behind me, a large, crooked, dying tree to my left. The sky is red in the distance, I may have a chance.

The last I am able to remember of that night is the pain...

Two things--I like the triangle you use a scene break. Maybe it's because I've never seen a triangle being used as a scene break before, so...it's fascinating.

But the other thing I have to question is--is the abrupt switch to first person really necessary? It feels a bit too abrupt, to be honest. And it seems unnecessary; you've been describing Steon's thoughts already in the third person limited format you were using, so you didn't have to switch to first person to reveal his inner thoughts. I'm also not quite sure what "that night" is supposed to mean...is he remembering something that happened previously? Perhaps try to clarify that sentence a bit.

I like the description, though. It gives the reader a good idea about his surroundings without getting too purple, like many descriptions in many fantasy novels end up being.

Steon’s clothing split down his back, and his ears grew tall, and pointed, shifting on his head like those of a dog. His body became cover with thick red-brown fur. His canines grew longer, and his hands turned into paws. His eyes became a fearful glowing yellow. His transition was complete. He was no longer the frail man that had been in prison for months, he was rejuvenated and strong.

Whoa, hold on, this is all happening a bit fast. You've been going at a fairly natural pace earlier, so to suddenly have this transformation happen--with no warning--is too much of a shock. You need to set up this coming transformation earlier in the story, I think, because as now it seems completely random.

I'm going to go ahead and say that the rest of the story, too, is too much happening too fast. You've also switched points of view once again, from first person now to third person omniscient. I suggest you use the third person limited POV throughout, instead of constantly switching POV's because that's a bit disarming.

The plot definitely seems interesting and this story has plenty of potential; however, you're diving into the action way too fast and it's alienating the audience from the story. You need to slow down; "show" instead of "tell" (there are some very good articles on this site that cover that topic). Especially the fight scene--lengthen it. You can't contain an entire fight in just one paragraph, after all. Also, as of this moment, I'm unsure if the main character is Steon or this mysterious girl (I'm kind of hoping it's Steon, I like him a bit more...but it's your story, your call).

Obviously, there's a lot more story to tell as this is only a prologue, and you do have the technical aspects of writing pretty much down. You also have a good feel for description, and letting your world evolve naturally; now just work hard on your pacing. I know that as a writer, it's tempting to just scramble through everything so you can get to the "good parts" as quickly as possible, but that makes for some very hurriedly-paced writing. It's tricky searching for the right balance between fast and slow, but right now I'd say you ought to veer a bit more on the slow side, since you're already going too fast.

Keep writing, though, and don't get discouraged. And (I really hate to sound patronizing, and I don't mean to, but...) this is certainly much better than anything I wrote at 13. >_> I wish you the best of luck in your writing endeavors.

Hey! Mia here.

Grammatical mistakes/ Nitpicks

This was it,he thought.

Put a space betwen 'it' and the comma. Also, instead of writing 'he thought'. You could write it like this: 'This is it' and put it in italics to show it's what your MC is thinking.

Was this all there was to life? He began to question himself. People condemn you for something that you have absolutely no control over?

It's uneccesary writing 'He began to question himself'. It stops the flow of the piece and makes it seem less dramatic, it's obvious he's questioning himself don’t worry. 

A sudden gust of wind blew Steon's long hair toward the west, and the setting sun.

I would suggest you replace 'steon' in this sentence with 'his' since you already used his name in the sentence before and it's repetitive.

Now they sat there, waiting for him to be hung, watching, waiting for his visit to the shadows.

You use the word 'waiting' twice in this sentence. Try replace it with another.

I took a final look through my eyes, sweeping over the varied crowd, and across the plains in the distance, the impenetrable forest stands behind me, a large, crooked, dying tree to my left. The sky is red in the distance, I may have a chance.

You changed from past tense to present here. Stick with one or it is extremely confusing and doesn't make sense.

His body became [s]cover [/s] covered with thick red-brown fur.

Stepping back he lunged off the platform in a powerful dive.

Wait... so he stepped back, then lunged forward? Maybe instead you could mention how he tensed before he jumped or how his eyes glinted or something.

A young girl, who looked like she was may hap, in her early twenties just stood there, going over her plan.

Remove the comma after 'may hap', it completely disrupts the flow of the sentence. Also, I think someone in their early twenties shouldn't be called a 'girl', I think it's better as 'a young woman'.

She carefully studied the wolfs every movement, and struck.

Wolf = wolf's. (Showing posession because it's the wolf's movement.)

Descriptions
You have to work on these, your writing style is great, but you tell loads of information. You have to show me what's going on. I have to see what your MC is seeing, feel what they are seeing ect! If your MC is angry, I should be feeling that anger! You tell a lot here:

Steon’s clothing split down his back, and his ears grew tall, and pointed, shifting on his head like those of a dog. His body became cover with thick red-brown fur. His canines grew longer, and his hands turned into paws. His eyes became a fearful glowing yellow. His transition was complete. He was no longer the frail man that had been in prison for months, he was rejuvenated and strong.

It's basically all: He did this, he did that, so on and so forth. This gets boring! You have such an awesome opportunity here to show wonderfully! Use it.
An example of telling:
Maeve had blonde hair and blue eyes. She was getting ready for a party with her best friend Emily.

An example of showing:
Maeve brushed her long blonde hair, her eyes shining with anticipation.
"I'm so glad we bought matching dresses, we're going to dominate the party tonight" her best friend Emily laughed as she walked out of the bathroom in a short black dress, "Also, the black will really bring out your topaz eyes!"

See the difference? In the second I gave the same information as the first, but I did so by showing it through dialogue and actions. In the meantime I also gave an insight into the character's personalities.

Characters
Is Steon a remorseful werewolf? Is he full of guilt over the people he kills? Or is he the sort of werewolf who just thinks of humans as his prey, not stopping to think about the fact that they have lives of their own? In this piece I got the idea that he is more the second than the first. He doesn't seem to think that it's actually his fault the people he has killed are dead. Okay, it isn't his fault he's a werewolf and can't help it, but it seemed to me like he didn't seem to acknowledge the fact that he's killed? Try make this more clear, and maybe make your werewolf unique, not a stereotypical one. This makes the story much more interesting and unpredictable.
Also, is the young woman a vampire? The description reminded me of one, try make it more obvious. I understand this is only the beginning of a story so you'll want to keep things a bit secretive, but a little more information wouldn't hurt.

Overall
I noticed once or twice you used too many commas in a sentence or they were misplaced. Check out the articles about commas in the 'knowledge base' part of the site under resources on the top of the page.
All in all I enjoyed this, I think if you improve on the things I pointed out above, you will have a very good piece on your hands. Your writing style is great, all it needs is a little find tuning in things such as description.
Keep up the awesome work.
Questions or need any other reviews? PM me.
xxMiaxx

Hey, Elentari!

Welcome to YWS, I'm Audy and I'll be doing a line by line for today ^_^ I agree with everything that has been said above. Most of the blatant stuff has already been corrected, so I'll try my best to keep from being repetitive and catch some of the itty nit-picky stuff.

My intention is to improve some of the mechanics as well as give suggestions on how to make the story better, you might not always agree with what I have to say, and that's okay too. =) Take these as mere suggestions.

To start off with, I'll answer your question. You can choose to do one or the other, depending on which you prefer. Most people post their chapters as separate topics and then they have links to the previous chapters.

This way is a little easier when you go back to look at the edits, you can concentrate on each chapter separately.

Or you can have it all on one topic, this way you'll be able to have everything in one place and there's no need to be messing with links or anything like that.

It all depends on which you prefer.


---

[s]No more could[/s] No longer would he walk down the gravel streets, pretending nothing was wrong. [s]No more could[/s] No longer would he stand out in the rain, hoping it could wash away his endless charade.

A little note on style;
Could = to be able to
Would = to have the choice; possibility of (or in this case-- not having the choice/possibility)

Would is also used to express habitual/repeated action done in the past. So I think 'would' would be the best choice in this case, because he is reflecting back on his habitual actions of the past -- he used to walk down the gravel streets, he used to stand out in the rain, but now he was no longer going to do those things. Not so much that he is incapable of doing those things. Plus 'No more could' just sounds awkward.

[s]In his own eyes[/s] Steon could not see how he had wronged anyone.

Steon does not see in his eyes, he sees with his eyes.

But I would disregard that phrase altogether, unless Steon has the ability to see with other's eyes, it is unnecessary and superfluous to say that Steon sees with his own eyes. Just make it as straightforward as possible, "Steon could not see how he had wronged anyone." Simple, clear, direct.

A sudden gust of wind blew Steon's long hair toward the [s]west, and the[/s] setting sun.

It's the same thing with this sentence. The sun always rises in the east, and sets in the west. To say that Steon's hair blew towards the west AND the setting sun, is superfluous because the sun already sets in the west.

It's like saying, "I used the blue paint, which is the color of the sky."

Now they sat there, waiting for him to be [s]hung[/s] hanged, watching, waiting for his visit to the shadows.

You can check me on this, but I'm pretty sure the verb is 'hanged'. It does sound kind of funny though xD But much better (and more technically correct) then 'hung'. English is a weird language, I know...

It's already been said. But I just want to emphasize the point, make sure to let us know who "they" are.

I'm also not a fan of all the commas in this sentence. Try breaking it into two sentences. It's okay if you have fragments. Actually, the use of fragments would better strengthen this passage.

So for example:

"Now they sat there waiting for him to be hanged. Watching. Waiting for his visit to the shadows."

There's just a little more emphasis on them 'watching' and 'waiting' for him. By varying your punctuations and sentence structures, you achieve a much better style. Even the littlest punctuation can make a great difference on how the sentence is read. It's much more dramatic. More tension.

Also I would elaborate on the 'waiting for his visit to the shadows' as I'm not quite sure what that means. By shadows, do you mean death?

And this would be a great spot to lengthen it too, as was suggested above ^. Remember to add in some suspense that why you can stretch the pacing a little bit, but still keep the action-pace and the tension.

...that caused him to change every night [s]at sun down[/s]

There's nothing wrong with this sentence.

Except the particular phrase is unnecessary again. If it's night time, the sun is already down.

He was to be [s]hung[/s] hanged, for being a werewolf...

It'd be better without the ... at the end. And again, should be 'hanged' rather than 'hung'.

I took a final look [s]through my eyes[/s], sweeping over the varied crowd, and across the plains in the distance, the impenetrable forest [s]stands[/s] stood behind me, a large, crooked, dying tree to my left.

I notice a pattern xD It's not like she can look through her nose, or anything xD

That's okay, at least you're consistent. It's a common mistake, and all writers always have some kind of repeated tendency that we make.

Also, since you started the sentence with "took" you established that it was past tense, so it should be 'stood' rather than 'stands'.

Steon’s clothing split down his back, and his ears grew tall, and pointed, shifting on his head like those of a dog. His body became cover with thick red-brown fur. His canines grew longer, and his hands turned into paws. His eyes became a fearful glowing yellow. His transition was complete. He was no longer the frail man that had been in prison for months, he was rejuvenated and strong.

This is good. Descriptive. And besides the errors that were already spotted above, I've just got a few more things to add.

This is kind of picky, but in the last sentence when you said:

"He was no longer..."

Because you used the lead in no longer, it's good to follow up with a close. This is just a preference thing. So it would read:

"He was no longer the frail man that had been in prison for months, he was now rejuvenated and strong."

This way you have a direct comparison between what he was then, and what he is now. The sentence is parallel and so balanced.

Also, notice how you begin every sentence in this paragraph?
"His body..."
"His canines..."
"His hands..."
"His eyes..."
"His transitions..."

Change it up a little. Using the same sentence-structure over and over again is BORING. Readers are more likely to skim through this passage.

His sharp teeth dug into the light skin of the people that had been goggling at him only seconds before.

Are you trying to say that these people were white? XD I would use a different adjective than 'light' perhaps what you meant to say was 'delicate'?

A young girl, who looked like she was may hap, in her early twenties just stood there

I'm not a fan of 'may hap' it just kind of stood out to me because it was so awkward and not really used much. Most people might even get confused, I know I did until I read through it like three or four times. Try for a replacement like 'probably' or 'maybe' but if you must go with 'may hap' stick a hyphen in there, or have it just be one word.

She carefully studied the wolfs every movement, and struck.

No comma is necessary after movement. Also there should be an apostrophe before the s in wolfs.

The few people that were left alive looked upon her like a marvelous sight, not to be bothered.

I would re-write this so as to be more clear. I'm not quite sure what you mean here. Also, why say
"the few people that were left alive" when you can say "the few survivors"...?

The last couple of sentences have a few possessive errors. Remember to add an apostrophe after the s in the case that it's possessive. If you're not sure, just pm me and I'll be glad to help you out.

-------

Overall, certainly interesting. It definitely served it's purpose as a prologue to introduce us to the characters and intrigue us so as to read more of your story. I found it enjoyable and the descriptions you've used was nice, it painted a clear picture in my head.

I love the name Steon And if the girl is a vampire, I deeply wonder where this is heading...

Good work and keep writing!

~ Audy

Thank you for the Crit. My sense of Mystery was intentional, as I needed to keep it going, and make the prologue longer XD. Everything clears up after the first chapters...

I'm not the best reviewer but I will say that after reading that prologue I actually want to read the rest post more cause it kept my attention well which books these days rarely do. I also hope that the story keeps the same style and doesn't have long drawn out descriptions about nothing ?

Hello! You've seemed to have gotten some great reviews already, but I just thought I would add in my two cents.

This seems like an interesting prologue and I am wondering what will happen after this and what had happened before this. I like your take on werewolves; it really is a twist to have them transform every night without control.

I do have to say that I agree with the reviewer who mentioned the sudden POV changes. It really does split the prologue up too much and it sort of confused me when you went back to the scene of the hanging instead of moving onto something else. If you intend on the novel being in the first person with the exception of this prologue, then you might want to put the 1st POV scene at the beginning of the prologue. It would be an interesting start of the novel, hooking them in. Or, you could put it at the end of the prologue, as a sort of transition piece to help your readers bridge the gap between the POV changes.

But, if you intend on this being a 3rd person limited POV the whole way through, then I would say just get rid of the 1st person, or set down some rules as to when this 1st person POV shows up.

I do like the beginning of this prologue, though I do agree with the first reviewer on your choice of words for the first verb. One small nitpick, though.

This was it, he thought. No more could he walk down the gravel streets, pretending nothing was wrong. No more could he stand out in the rain, hoping it could wash away his endless charade.

I think that at least the first part should be in italics, though it's up to you over whether or not you want to put the next two sentences in italics. It depends on whether or not he is thinking them or you are just stating facts.

A sudden gust of wind blew Steon's long hair toward the west, and the setting sun.

I think you could also probably just mention that it blew his hair towards the setting sun, unless the direction 'west' is really important. Other reviewers have gone through this, which is why I'm not saying more.

Now they sat there, waiting for him to be hung, watching, waiting for his visit to the shadows.

Now, I'm guessing that this is the townspeople, but I think you might want to do a bit of research at this point. Now, my knowledge only comes from fictional sources of Old West style hangings and I really don't know what your world is based on. But, in those fictional stories of Old West hangings, the people usually don't bring their folding chairs over to watch a hanging (ignoring the fact that folding chairs really didn't exist back then...), they usually stood and watched. This sometimes even took on a mob mentality, especially if they really thought that the guy being hung deserved it. And especially if they thought he was a 'witch' or something unusual. Of course, for all I know of your world, these people sell tickets and this is a grand sport.

Their words Just wanted to bring your attention to this extra space here
hung heavily around Steon, witch, they called him, but what could he do?

Also, since their words seem to 'hang heavily around him,' it does seem like a sort of mob mentality right here. You might want to write out this scene with a little more detail. What are they calling him beyond a witch? And why are they calling him a witch if he's a werewolf? Show us the mob, shouting at him even if they might be sitting, do they throw anything at him, spit at him? Call him a beast, monster, and demon, even if you don't add in any curse words. And how does he react to all of this? Show us the mask that he is using to keep them from seeing how he is affected, if he's even affected at all. "what could he do" would be powerful with a look at him.

It was not like he could stop the force of nature that caused him to change every night at sun down. In his transformed state[s],[/s] he couldn’t help, or stop, the killings.

Okay, I've got a question here: why on earth are they hanging him at sunset if he changes into a mindless werewolf at sundown? I mean, is he super heavily tied up, chained with silver and iron chains? Can one only kill werewolves at sunset? Sunset is also a very weird time to hold an event like a hanging, why would people be gathering around at sunset? I mean, if you're going to a hanging, then you are going to want to be able to actually see the whole thing. I mean, I doubt anyone ever says, "I think it will be a nice day to have a quick jaunt to the gallows." I just think you need to think about these things, because it then seems like this whole thing is contrived by you just to have your guy be able to go on a killing rampage in the scene after the POV switch.

He was to be hung, for being a werewolf...

Powerful line. And so full of hidden history.

I took a final look through my eyes, sweeping over the varied crowd, and across the plains in the distance, the impenetrable forest stands behind me, a large, crooked, dying tree to my left. The sky is red in the distance, I may have a chance.

I've already talked of my opinion about this short scene, but I also do want to point out that this is a bit of a run on sentence. I mean, it's a great picture, but a little hard to see with all of the commas and switches. Info-dumping is bad, but don't be afraid to take just a little bit of time to enjoy the view.

Steon’s clothing split down his back, and his ears grew tall, and pointed, shifting on his head like those of a dog.

I totally agree with the previous reviewer; this is a bit too sudden. I mean, that whole POV switch in the middle really throws the reader off. I mean, we're expecting a total scene change, not to go back to the middle of the scene we just left. Plus, it really does seem contrived for the townspeople to do this at sunset.

He was no longer the frail man that had been in prison for months, he was rejuvenated and strong.

There are several parts in this sentence that are interesting and that I also have questions about. We'll start with his body change, and not just about his change to the wolf. I find it interesting that his body structure completely changes when he turns into a wolf. The frail man becomes rejuvenated and strong by turning into a wolf and I'm curious as to how that happened. Just what is it about the magic that does that? Are the two bodies that he has separate and not connected? Because, usually one would think that what is true for one body is true for another.

And now we get to the same old beaten bush. 'He was no longer the frail man that had been in prison for months.' Okay, so if these people have been keeping him captive every night for a month, then why don't they know how to properly kill him? Or keep him properly contained until they kill him? They should know how to handle him if they have kept him captive for a month. Or, was he turned while in prison? Though, then why would everyone really care about him in that instance...

Stepping back he lunged off the platform in a powerful dive. His sharp teeth dug into the light skin of the people that had been goggling at him only seconds before.

Seriously don't get that beaten bush... Or how they could be so stupid.

A young girl, who looked like she was mayhap in her early twenties just stood there, going over her plan.

Dictionary.com agrees with me. And I also want to make you aware of your POV shift again. It's still 3rd limited, but you've now moved onto this strange girl instead of Steon.

Like lighting, with sheer speed that was not human, she darted around

This whole phrase is a bit redundant. I think that you could get rid of the simile and the whole thing would be more powerful. In fact, with 'circling the wolf' you could probably even get rid of 'she darted around.'

The few people that were left alive looked upon her like a marvelous sight, not to be bothered.

*cough hypocrites cough* And, wait, are they not bothered by her, or are they thinking that she shouldn't be bothered? And why do they think this about her? Are strange, unhuman people okay when they sort of save people? Cause, she let people die until she could stop the wolf, and then she only muzzles the wolf and she doesn't kill it. She could have killed him and they wouldn't have cared, though they would still be hypocrites.

She lead the wolf away from the gallows, to a small cave, where she turned the rope into a harness and tied Steon to the caves wall. Here she waited, until the first rays of mornings light shown above the trees...

She's very mysterious, but I do think it would be more interesting to see this whole thing from Steon's POV instead of hers. Either that, or add more personality to her. You can have a personality and still be mysterious, in fact, a character is more mysterious when we get the personality, but still have no idea why they are doing something.

All in all, it's a great start to an interesting story. I think you have a great starting point for unraveling your world, both future and past. I think that the last scene could use some smoothing over and that you have a bit of a plot hole with the whole 'hanging at sundown' thing, but it is interesting. Would also be cool if he managed to transform in daylight, shocking even himself and then there be this whole mystery about it, but you did say that this was a finished story. Still, add some more chaos to the whole thing; it should be a chaotic scene even before he starts killing everyone.

If you answer all of these questions, I think that your story will be a great story to read. Your twist on werewolves is very interesting, as well as the mysterious fighter. I can't wait to see what your plot is, as I think that all of the story threads lead out in very interesting directions and I want to see which way you took the story in. Or, even be surprised with the whole plot,

- Tatra

I'm Vivi and I'll be your reviewer today.

I thought that the beginning was pretty good, it got you caught in the story. I think that the transitions from part to part of the story could be improved, though. It kind of goes from one part of the story, to suddenly the other. That should be improved. Just putting the little triangle thing there can make it a little confusing.

A young girl, who looked like she was may hap, in her early twenties just stood there, going over her plan.

If she's in her early twenties, she's a young woman not a young girl

So, the young woman is a vampire? She seems a lot like the twilight vampires *shudders*

The few people that were left alive looked upon her like a marvelous sight, not to be bothered.

The word choice at the beginning of this sentence could be improved a little, as well.

This was it,he thought.

There should be a space after the comma.

His body became cover with thick red-brown fur.

I'm not exactly sure what "Became Cover" means.

His canines grew longer, and his hands turned into paws.

By canines, you mean canine teeth, right? Just checking.

His eyes became a fearful glowing yellow.

There should be a comma right after fearful.

Stepping back he lunged off the platform in a powerful dive. His sharp teeth dug into the light skin of the people that had been goggling at him only seconds before.

And why is that?

She lead the wolf away from the gallows, to a small cave, where she turned the rope into a harness and tied Steon to the caves wall.

Use a different word than lead. If someone were about to tie me up, they would have to drag me there.

Here she waited, until the first rays of mornings light shown above the trees...

Shouldn't it be, "had shown," instead of "shown." ?

The woman is a little 2D in my opinion.

Overall, it was pretty interesting. PM me when you post more of it! And to answer your question, you put the next part in a new thread.
--Vivi

Hey, Elen! =D Thanks for PMing me about putting this up! I see that you've gotten a lot of great reviews that have gone through this bit by bit, so I'm just going to comment on some general things, okay? ^__^

First of all, I really liked the way you structured your sentences. Not too many people realize that the structure of the sentences and the order of words (syntax) is one of the strongest defining forces in writing. I don't even realize it. I don't know how to use it. I guess you do! =D -claps-

I also hope that you make sure to keep away from any pop-culture notion of werewolves, what with Twilight and all. The little white girl in this story makes me hope that it can be unique, but I'd like to see where you go with the story.

Here are some problems I noticed:

His sharp teeth dug into the light skin of the people that had been goggling at him only seconds before.

A young girl, who looked like she was may hap, in her early twenties just stood there, going over her plan.

Firstly, 'goggling' doesn't fit in the with the prose you'd used up to this point. Try to find something else that means what you're trying to say. 'May hap' breaks up the flow of the sentence as well. You could just say she looked like she was in her early twenties. =]

Also, the end of this piece goes pretty fast. Though it's only the prologue, you should take the action step by step so we know what went on and what happened between the werewolf being at the gallows and then in the cave.

This is a really good start, though. I'm interested to see how the plot progresses and if you flesh out this piece at all. =] Let me know if you have any questions! =D

-Hannah-

Let's get on with it, It's done, and edited to my best ability. Thanks for all the great reviews, and here you go...


Chapter I
Meetings
“Steon? Stee--eon?!” A voice questioned pulling me out of my ‘sleep’.

“What” I yawned in surprise, expecting to see the gruff hangman bringing me back to the noose. They’d make sure I wouldn’t get away this time... But, wait! this voice was to soft, and kind. As I opened my eyes I was quite taken aback to see a young woman standing over me.

“Good morning sleepy!” She exclaimed, “My name is Aladie, but I find it’s quite all right if you just call me Alae.” She bent down and tousled my red hair.

Okay “So who are you, exactly?”

She looked at me, obviously confused, “Aladie, Alae to you--” She began, thinking I’d not heard her. I cut her off here.

“No, I heard that! I mean WHO are you? Why are you here? What do you want?”

“Oh, well why didn’t you say so! I’m of the Gracenio Coven, and you are here because you killed a LOT of people las night, so I brought you here.” Suddenly my sanity flew at me like a brick, and I realized I wasn’t wearing anything.

“Alae, you don’t happen to have something I could wear, do you?”

“Of course I do. Here.” She sighed, tossing me a bundle of clothes. I thanked her and got dressed, it was
a loose shirt and breeches. After I sat down next to Alae, on the cavern floor. “Now we’ve got some manners of sorts to go over, obviously by now you’ve figured out that I’m a vampire, and I know that you’re a werewolf, right?” She questioned.

I barred my teeth, and growled, the hair on the back of my neck rose.

Vampire...
∆
Steon’s transition began once again, his shirt was beginning to rip. “No!” Alae cried out, “Not now, please Steon, come back...”
∆
I don’t know what happened, nor could I possibly explain. But upon hearing Aladie's voice I snapped out of it. I’d not even known I could change before night.

Slowly I regained my self control and turned to face my mortal enemy.

“Vampire?!” my savior was a fricking vampire!?

“Well, I’d guessed you’d figured as much out, Steon, did you not wonder about my red eyes, fangs, and pale skin?”

“Well...” It was true, I’d been to busy with other things... Slowly Aladie stood up and sighed.

“Any way, I think I could help you with your self control.”

“You mean I could control my actions as a werewolf?”

“Possibly, you see my people have some hidden texts, although it would be nigh impossible for a pup to
view them.”

“Pup?” I growled out.

“Steon, you must realize that you’ve lasted but a life of mine, barely a piece of some. I could help you to
read them,but first you’d have to at least look like a passable vampire.”

“NO!!!! Oh no!” I yelled, the blood sucker was going to cut my hair and turn me!

“Steon, chill, I swear I won’t turn you! I won’t even cut your hair.”

How in the world did she know that?

“Um... I can read your mind, you see...”

“Right, no more private thoughts” Yay “I’ll never feel safe around you again.”

“Nice.”

“So you’ve heard my thoughts the entire time?”

“Yep, well, except for when you were transformed, you were a dead end then.”

“I see... What now?”

“Um... I don’t really know...”

“How long are you keeping me here?”

“Until you learn some control...”
~~~~~~~
And the constant POV switching is a part of how I write, in most of my stories, just to clear that up! XD
Thanks, and again, crit HARD!

^___^ Elen, what we usually do at YWS when we have multiple chapters is post them on different threads. That means for chapter one, you go up to 'writing', then click on 'submit something'. Then, pick the same category it belongs in and title it 'Star-Flight Chapter One' or something like that. The website automatically puts little things at the top of your piece that can link to other pieces that have similar titles that might be related, so readers will be able to follow from the prologue to the rest of the chapters, as long as you keep the same title.

Let me know when you have chapter one up on its own thread and I'll read through it! -hugs-

-Hannah-

O.o I get it!!! will do!