Untitled - chapter two, part two *edited*

Hey all =] So this is the second part of chapter two of my Untitled story - I really need to think of title for it... Any ideas? I'm still struggling with writer's block so this is probably full of stupid mistakes. Anyways, I hope you like it! xDudettex


After removing a tissue from my bag, I turned my back to the door to face the tiled wall and tried to stem my tears. The wooden fronted cubicles were to my right and the bank of sinks and mirror were to my left. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. Especially not some rich snob. I felt my heart sink into my stomach. What was I doing here? I don’t fit in. I wasn’t rich or famous or beautiful. But Chace had said that I was pretty. Well, ‘not that bad.’ I suppose that’s a compliment, but I’m not sure if compliments from drunk people count.

I very nearly jumped when I heard the toilet door creak open and I tensed when I heard the sound of a pair of heels clicking past me on the granite tiles. I snuck a glance behind me and saw a woman in her late thirties wearing what was obviously a designer dress. The midnight blue silk caressed her body beautifully and I felt more tears welling. I looked down at my own clothes through blurry eyes. My emerald green shawl had fallen off of my pale shoulders and my shoes were scuffed. Well, Gabby’s shoes were scuffed. I had told her that she’d regret lending them to me. At least I haven’t ripped the dress she lent me, though, I thought and I breathed a sigh of relief. God knows how much this dress actually cost. ‘I’ve never worn it, so it doesn’t matter if you spill anything down it.’ Good old Gabby. Nice to know that she has so much confidence in me.

The door squeaked open again, but before I had a chance to peer behind me, I heard a familiar voice.
“Sadie? Is that you?.”
I bit my lip to stop myself from cursing. What was I supposed to say? She’ll start asking questions if she sees that I’ve been crying. Thankfully though, I didn’t even have to worry about replying as Gabby, the official chatterbox of England, carried on blabbering.
“Seriously Sad’. I don’t think that editor guy was best pleased when we both returned to find you gone. I’d dragged him away from this woman wearing an absolutely vile dress - green so wasn’t her colour. Anyway, he got all huffy and stalked off to the buffet table. Sadie, are you listening?”
I nodded my head slowly, feeling strands of my hair falling out of the plait that Gabby had spent ages arranging for me earlier.
“Honestly Sadie. You owe me big time.”
“Okay,” I coughed, trying to clear my throat. “I’m sorry about ditching you.”

I heard Gabby take a step towards me and then drop her handbag onto the marble countertop.
“Anyway,” she said, her voice a few octaves higher, now. “You’ll never guess who I bumped into.”
“Who?” I asked, trying to sound interested, though my mind still reeled from Chace’s words.
“Wait a minute. Why won’t you face me?”

My pulse sped up, causing my heart to thump forcefully against my ribs.
“Uh, ‘cause… It’s because… uh.” My mind went blank and I screwed up my eyes to try and think of a believable explanation.
“Whatever,” Gabby interrupted, her pitch still higher than usual. “It doesn’t matter. What does matter is who I bumped into. Take a guess Sad’.”
I exhaled slowly.
“I dunno.”
“Oh come on Sadie. Just take a guess.”
“Fine. Was it the Easter bunny?” Even with my back to her, I knew that Gabby would be rolling her caramel eyes at my stupid answer.
“Sadie! Don’t be such a Dingleburt.” Despite the tears, I managed a small smile at her choice of insult. Mr. Dingleburt had been Gabby’s old neighbour and it was fair to say that he’d been a bit on the simple side.
“Chace Milligan.”
My stomach flipped at the mere sound of his name.
“What?”
“Well you weren‘t guessing properly, so I thought I’d just tell you.”
Please, no.
“You bumped into…”
“Chace Milligan. I know. How amazing! He’s totally hot - I can see why he was voted the number one, fittest up and coming star.”
My head was spinning and I grabbed hold of the side of a sink to steady myself. Please don’t say that you spoke to him. He didn’t have time to talk to you.
“He has such a cute voice Sad’. His accent is adorable,” Gabby gushed, routing around in her bag. “And you haven’t even heard the best part yet.”
Please! No more. This can’t be happening. I just want to go home.
“He asked me for your number Sadie. Honestly. No lie. Pinkie promise and all that Jazz. He really did ask for it. He saw us talking to that French woman with the really high voice and he asked for your number about five minutes ago when I was at the buffet table.”
I felt as if someone wearing steel capped boots had just kicked me right in the stomach.
“Why aren’t you happy? You should be squealing!” She sounded dejected and had stopped rummaging in her bag.
I spoke through gritted teeth, my eyes shut tight. “Did you give it to him?”
“Well duh.”
Her words were another blow to the stomach with the steel capped boots. I stared blankly at the turquoise tiles on the wall in front of me. Another creak of the toilet door and more heels on the granite. I felt a hand on my shoulder and before I could stop myself, I’d whirled around to face Gabby.
“Honestly, Sad’. I thought you’d be… Oh no! Don’t cry.”
More tears rolled down my cheeks and I knew my eyeliner and mascara would be running along with them. Black smeared cheeks so isn’t a good look. I wiped my face with the crumpled up tissue in my right hand.

Gabby sighed softly, stepping forward to embrace me with her delicate frame. Her eyes were wide and she was chewing on her lip. “Sadie.” My shoulders shook as her arms held me close. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought you’d start running around, screaming, like the time back in year seven when you found out that you and Danny Wiltshire had the same star sign.”
“It’s not your fault,” I sobbed. I could feel an incoming headache.
“Then why are you crying?” She asked gently and she rested her head on my shoulder. She could only reach because she’s wearing three inch heels. Gabby’s only five foot three and at five foot six, I seem to tower over her. I stepped back to wipe my eyes again.
Her voice was full of concern and she had her head titled to one side. “Is this why you wouldn’t face me?”
I shrugged, realising my own stupidity.
“You shouldn’t be embarrassed to cry in front of me! I mean, I’ve seen you in the morning without make-up.”
A small smile forced its way onto my tear-stained face.
“I wasn’t self conscious of you seeing me cry,” I mumbled, just as the lady wearing midnight blue appeared from a toilet cubicle. I glanced over at the lady and then back again. Gabby followed my gaze.
Gabby’s tone was disbelieving. “Rich people?”
I felt myself blush.
“Those snobs have their heads too far up their own arses to care to look at us,” Gabby snorted as the lady held her hands beneath a modern, silver hand dryer.

The woman must have heard her though; she left abruptly, her nose in the air. I watched as the toilet door swung shut. Why had I been so embarrassed of crying in front of people like her? A little voice at the back of my head answered for me: because you want to fit in. Realisation stung like a knife in the back. It was true though. That’s why I hadn’t dyed my hair until I’d left school. I hadn’t wanted my peers to look down on me because my hair wasn’t blonde or brown like their’s. If I’d had walked into school one day with my mousy brown hair suddenly vibrant red, then I would never had heard the end of it.

Gabby‘s voice pulled me out of my reverie. “So come on. You can tell me what’s wrong.” I felt more tears well in my eyes again. Because my dream guy turned out to be a disrespectful pig. Bad-mannered. A sleaze.
“You can tell me.” The expression on her heart shaped face was sincere and the concern in her eyes was unmistakable.
So I did. Without hesitation. And I didn’t hold back either - pouring my heart out to her about every single detail. Well, I may have left out the part where I’d been smoking.
By the end of my explanation, when I’d stopped to wipe more tears with a fresh tissue that I had grabbed from one of the dispensers, Gabby looked livid. Maybe I should have left out what he had said about her. Her rosy lips were pursed and her ash blonde eyebrows were drawn downwards into a frown.
“That stupid, idiotic, two-faced, moron,” Gabby seethed. Wow. She didn’t even curse once.


Thanks for reading!

Hi dudette! Thanks for the PM, I still love this story! As always I have to be super picky in my ninja style reviews when going through your work you have been warned...

What was I doing here? I didn’t fit in.

I'm not sure but maybe 'don't' would be better here as it is in the present tense

I very nearly jumped when I heard the toilet door creak open and the sound of a pair of heels clicking elegantly on the granite tiles.

I'd maybe change this a bit as she would just be jumping at the door opening, so maybe 'shortly followed by the sound of a pair of heels' instead of 'and the sound of a pair of heels' or even mentioning about how she jumps initially then tenses as the heels click past.

I hadn’t ripped the dress she’d lent me, though, and I breathed a sigh of relief. God knows how much this dress actually cost.

I think the first sentence could maybe be written to run a bit smoother, maybe it could be as her thoughts? So perhaps something like 'At Least I haven't ripped the dress she lent me though, I thought, breathing a sigh of relief. God knows how much this actually cost.'

I smiled at her choice of insult.

As she has just been crying I'd maybe add more to this like 'despite my tears, I smiled slightly at her choice of insult.' to show that smiling wouldn't be very easy after feeling so upset.

“Chace Milligan.”
My stomach flipped at the mere sound of his name.
“What?”
“Well if you’re not going to guess properly, then I’ll just tell you.”
Please, no.

I got a bit confused here at first, it sounded like she was going to tell her again but she already had I think it was when she said 'Well if you're not going to guess properly, then I'll just tell you.' I'd maybe change it a bit to show more clearly that she is talking about having just told her- perhaps something like 'Well you weren't guessing properly so I had to tell you.'

More tears rolled down my cheeks and I knew eyeliner and mascara would be running along with them.

I'd maybe add 'my' before 'eyeliner and mascara'

Gabby sighed softly, her delicate frame stepping forward to embrace me. “Sadie.” My shoulders shook as her arms enveloped my top half.

I think the first sentence might sound better rephrased a little to something like 'Gabby sighed softly, stepping forward to embrace me with her delicate frame.' that way you are still getting across the detail about her body but it runs a bit smoother 'enveloped my top half' sounded a bit odd to me, just something like 'wrapped around me' or 'held me close' I think would sound better. I'm sure you can come up with something

“Then why are you crying?” Her voice was gentle and she rested her head on my shoulder.

Maybe 'she asked gently, resting her head on my shoulder.' might be better here, just a suggestion though.

I shrugged, feeling suddenly stupid.

Before this she was kind of already feeling stupid so maybe instead something about realising the stupidness of it or her own stupidity would make more sense.

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed to cry in front of me. I mean, I’ve seen you in the morning without make-up.”

As she's being all jokey maybe an exclamation mark instead of a full stop after 'in front of me' would be good

Gabby snorted as the lady began drying her hands with a posh silver hand dryer.

I think you could phrase this action a bit better, perhaps talking about the action instead of saying 'drying' like that she held her hands beneath a slick silver hand dryer, I'm not that keen on 'posh' here, I think it would sound better as something like 'modern' or 'futuristic'.

The woman must have heard her though as she left seconds later, her nose in the air.

Instead of seconds later, maybe saying that she left abruptly would better show her annoyance as she would be leaving after drying her hands anyway but a more sudden leaving would show it was her reaction

Why had I been so embarrassed of crying in front of people like her? Because you want to fit in. Realisation stung like a knife in the back.

I think it might be better to separate the question and the answer with a sentence in between, perhaps just something like 'she asked herself silently.' to break it up.

Because my dream guy turned out to be a disrespectful pig. A liar. A cheat.

I agree he was a pig but not really a liar or a cheat from that scene, I'd maybe focus more on how he was a sleaze.

Maybe I should have left out the part about her. Her rosy lips were pursed and her ash blonde eyebrows were raised beneath her fringe.

I'd maybe add 'what he said about' instead of 'out the part' or something like that after 'Maybe I should have left out' just to specify Also I'm not sure if raising your eyebrows is a very angry thing to do, you more frown so maybe something about her eyebrows being pulled low over her glaring eyes or something like that would make more sense.

Overall: I loved this part as well! This is a really good story

I think it was great how you added more information about Gabby in here, the subtle descriptions were nicely added too You are doing really well in building up the background to Chace and Sadi, good job! All I could see that could be changed would be Gabby's initial reaction to Sadi crying, I think it might be good to describe her expression and also how her voice sounds when she is talking to her- like when she is trying to cheer her up. Other than that I think you did brilliantly on the description

As they are still at the party, it also might be good to add in something about background noise or how she is nervous about others entering so maybe she glances at the door a couple of times. Something just to bring the reader back to the setting of where they are might work well

All comments are just suggestions as always, hope I've helped, I can't wait to read more! *star*

Hey Dudette! Sorry I've taken so long!

I. NITPICKS

pair of heels clicking elegantly on the granite tiles.

How can they click elegantly?

green so wasn’t her colour.

Perhaps italicize "so"?

“You’ll never guess who I bumped into?”

No question mark.

all that Jazz.

Okay...

II. STILL GABBY

I like this scene, but I want to know more about their relationship. How long have they known each other? How do they know each other? Their relationship is cool, but I'd just like to know some of the history to it, you know...

Also, well, now we know that Sadie's left school- but you said that she was seventeen. So she's left early? Some more on this sort of stuff would be good.

III. CHARACTERISATION

You've got a really good chance to fill Sadie out here- use it!I like Gabby, but I want more on Sadie! Fill me in!

IV. OVERALL

This was cute.

Hope I helped, drop me a line if you need anything!

-Stella x

Haha! Nice work here.

I turned my back to the door.

To face what? ^_^ I thought she was facing the mirror, reason I was a bit confused for the rest of the scene.

I didn’t even have to worry about replying as Gabby, the official chatterbox of England, carried on blabbering.

I laughed at this part. Love it!

“You’ll never guess who I bumped into?”

I consider this a statement, not a question.

“Sadie! Don’t be such a dingleburt.” I smiled at her choice of insult. Mr. Dingleburt had been Gabby’s old neighbour and it was fair to say that he’d been a bit on the simple side.
“Chace Milligan.”

More laughs!

Although, I think "dingleburt" should be capitalized, since it's a proper name.

“What? You bumped into…”

The "What" here is a little repetitive between two lines of Sadie's dialogue. Also, why did she say "what" again in the first place? Personally, I find this would be better with that word left out. With the trail-off and all.

I felt winded - as if someone wearing steel capped boots had just kicked me right in the stomach.

I think this description would be more affective if you got rid of "winded" along with the dash. Then you're showing, not telling. ^_^

She sounded dejected and had stopped rummaging in her bag.

You never mentioned that she had been rummaging through her bag before...

I spoke through gritted teeth, my eyes shut tight. “Did you give it to him?”

Wonderful job with the tags here. ^_^

Her words were like another blow to the stomach with the steel capped boots.

I think this would be more affective as a metaphor. To do that, delete "like." ^_^

Black smeared cheeks so wasn’t a good look.

I would change "wasn't" to "isn't" so it feels more like thoughts. (Thoughts are usually in present tense. )

She can only reach because she’s wearing three inch heels.

I find your tense is a bit off here. Unless these are her thoughts.

If these are not her thoughts, put "could" instead of "can."

If these are her thoughts, put this line in italics. ^_^

The woman must have heard her though as she left seconds later, her nose in the air.

I think this would be easier to read if you replaced "as" with a semicolon.

Why had I been so embarrassed of crying in front of people like her? Because you want to fit in.

I would put some sort of break between the question and the answer. Just so the answer has more punch.

That’s why I hadn’t dyed my hair until I’d left school. I hadn’t wanted my peers to look down on me because my hair wasn’t blonde or brown like their’s.

I'd like to know what colour her hair was before and after the died it. ^_^

Well. I may have left out the part where I’d been smoking.

Nice! This had me smile even though it's an emotional scene. That's good though. It eases tension and shows more about the character.

Maybe I should have left out the part about her.

I'd like the actual "part about her" Sadie is referencing. ^_^

“That stupid, idiotic, two-faced, moron,” Gabby seethed. Wow. She didn’t even curse once.

Haha! Great cliffhanger!

~

Character: You don't disappoint on characters here! I liked the way their personalities were dropped on us through dialogue and your MC's comments.

I just find the dialogue a bit formal in some places. Of course, I'm a North American and you're in the UK. I know that could be part of your everyday language, but in parts like this:

“I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought you’d be happy.”

I just don't find it fits with the tone of the other dialogue. The dialogue after this line is a bit formal too, by the way.

Description: After reading a lot of your stuff, I'm beginning to think it's your style to have minimal description. Still, I would like to see more facial expressions instead of just voice tone when people are talking. It makes things more 3D, since we're dealing with moving people instead of voices.

Overall: I liked this. It moved the plot forward, and showed a bit more on both characters. It also gave more reason for Sadie to be feeling the way she does about Chase.

Can't wait for more!

Questions? Drop me a line.

~Rosey

Hi Dudette,

Well, let's get to the review then, shall we?

xDudettex wrote: After grabbing a tissue from my bag to try and stem my tears, I turned my back to the door.

You must be tired of hearing this from me, but did you "grab" a tissue from your bag, or did you merely extract one. Even if you did "grab" it, I am sure that consciously all you wanted to do was remove it from your bag, and therefore, as you are writing in the first person, you will merely want to say, "After removing a tissue from my bag, I turned my back to the door and tried to stem my tears."

I didn’t want anyone to see me like this, especially not some rich snob.

Perhaps you would consider putting a period between "this" and "especially"?

I felt my heart sink to my stomach.

"into" your stomach?

But Chace had said that I was pretty. Well, ‘not that bad.’ I suppose that’s a compliment, but I’m not sure if compliments from drunk people count.

In the state that she's in, I don't think she'd be caring about compliments from Chace. Maybe that's just me, though.

The midnight blue silk caressed her body beautifully and I felt more tears welling.

Great description!

I glanced down at my own clothes through blurry eyes. My emerald green shawl had fallen off of my pale shoulders and my shoes were scuffed.

I don't really like the use of the word "glance" here. I think peered, gazed, or even a mere "looked" would work better here. Glance implies not really taking much notice.

Nice to know that she has every confidence in me.

Nice to know that she has so much confidence in me.

The door squeaked open again, but before I had a chance to glance behind me, I heard a familiar voice.

There are too many uses of glance. Try peek, peer, look, turn around, or any other verbs that might fit.

What was I supposed to say? She’ll start asking questions if she see’s that I’ve been crying.

No apostrophe in "sees".

Thankfully though, I didn’t even have to worry about replying as Gabby, the official chatterbox of England, carried on blabbering.

Perhaps this is just me, but I would try to create a bitterness in this scene, and this sentence sounds quite... well "not bitter".

“Seriously Sad’. I don’t think that editor guy was best pleased when we both returned to find you gone.

Best pleased? I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

I’d dragged him away from this woman wearing an absolutely vile dress - green so wasn’t her colour. Anyway, he got all huffy and stalked off to the buffet table. Sadie, are you listening?”

Great. You've got us to cringe. Nicely written.

“Anyway,” she said, her voice raising a few octaves. “You’ll never guess who I bumped into?”

Perhaps, "her voice a few octaves higher, now." Great description, though.

“Who?” I asked, trying to sound interested, though my heart still stung from Chace’s words.

What does you trying to sound interested have to do with Chace's words?

“Wait a minute. Why won’t you face me?”

Took her long enough!

“Fine. Was it the Easter bunny?” Even with my back to her, I knew that Gabby would be rolling her caramel eyes at my stupid answer.

My head was spinning and I grabbed hold of the side to steady myself.

The side of what, exactly?

Please don’t say that you spoke to him. You saw him just as he was getting into his limo to go home. He didn’t have time to talk to you.

I would nix the middle sentence. I didn't find it too helpful.

“He asked me for your number Sadie. Honestly. No lie. Pinkie promise and all that Jazz. He really did ask for it.”

Why doesn't Gabby wonder how he knows who Sadie is? If she asked him, tell us this.

Gabby sighed softly, her delicate frame stepping forward to embrace me. “Sadie.” My shoulders shook as her arms enveloped my top half. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought you’d be happy.”

Great. Very telling about both of their characters.

She can only reach because she’s wearing three inch heels.

Stick to the past tense for this sentence. She's not still wearing those three inch heels, is she? I wouldn't advise it, but if you really feel it necessary, you could switch tense after this.

A small smile forced its way onto my tearstained face.

If I'm not mistaken, tear-stained is a hyphenated word.

Her tone was disbelieving. “Rich people?”

Who exactly is speaking here? Gabby or the blue dressed woman? Whoever it is, what does it mean?

“Those snobs have their heads too far up their own arses to care to look at us,” Gabby snorted as the lady began drying her hands with a posh silver hand dryer.

Very emotive.

Why had I been so embarrassed of crying in front of people like her? Because you want to fit in.

I think you need a break between these two sentences. Perhaps, "Why had I been so embarrassed of crying in front of people like her? A little voice at the back of my head answered the question for me: Because you want to fit in."

“You can tell me.” The expression on her heart shaped face was sincere and her eyes were clouded with concern.

I don't know if clouded is the word you want here. It usually has the connotation of being deceived. Perhaps "The concern in her eyes was unmistakable."

Well.

Change the period to a comma.

“That stupid, idiotic, two-faced, moron,” Gabby seethed. Wow. She didn’t even curse once.

Very nice end to the chapter.

Overall:
Description: Some parts were beautiful, others, however seemed forced. Remember, if the complicated description doesn't describe your situation as well as the simple description, go for the simple stuff.

Characters: We get to see a lot more of Gabby's character here. I do believe I like it.

Dialogue: I do love your dialogue. Just remember, you don't need to put in all of the "ooh"s and "aah"s and "um"s to make it believable.

Overall piece: I still enjoyed this, though admittedly not as much as the first part of the chapter. You do, however, want to advance your story. This piece just kind of seemed a little all over the place for me. Still very nice though.

Have aa good one.

Right, all the crit. has already been said, so all that's left for me to say is... amazing! I want more now!

About titles, I can't think of any right now, but if I do, I'll let you know.