Blessings [1]

In a few moments, the large, winged machine was enveloped by the bright blue sky, littered with specks of fluffy white clouds. While the aeroplane’s altitude slowly increased, the seatbelt signs that flashed over the passengers at every row was turned off. A few seconds later, a female voice echoed throughout the cabin.


“Ladies and gentlemen, the seatbelt sign has just been switched off. However, to ensure your safety, please keep your seatbelts fastened. Food and drinks will be served shortly. Have a nice flight.”


At those words, a young blonde woman, seated at Row 9, looked up from a New York Times newspaper and frowned. Another woman beside her noticed her expression.


“What’s wrong, Holly?” she asked, a grin spreading across her face.


Holly turned to her. “Huh? Oh it’s nothing.” She replied. “I just find the flight attendant’s voice a little…funny.” As she returned to her newspaper, she stopped in her actions as she heard the woman giggle.


Holly put down her newspaper. “What are you laughing about, Lisa?”


The woman, Lisa, stopped laughing and did a gesture to wave it away. “Neh, it’s just weird for you to read a newspaper.” She said.


“At least it’s something to read.” Holly answered, pulling a face.


“Fine, fine.” Lisa smiled, pulling out a fashion magazine from her handbag.


Holly sighed. “Do you ever stop reading those?” she asked.


“No! I can’t!” Lisa replied, an expression of dismay on her face.


“At least read something like a newspaper, you’ll be able to know about current affairs.” Holly told her.


Lisa snorted. “Neh.”


Holly looked out of the window beside her and let out another sigh. “I can’t believe we’ve been good friends for a long time, but we like different things.”


In a quick motion, Lisa turned her head to face her friend. “Who said!” she exclaimed, her eyes widening. “We loved history since we were younger. Have you forgotten?”


Holly blinked. “Oh…right…” she grinned. “Sorry. I guess I got carried away by all these news…”


“It’s the reason why we’ve been planning this trip to Iraq, you idiot.” Lisa said snappishly. “We didn’t work at MacDonalds for the whole of last summer for nothing, right?”


“You are such a history freak, aren’t you, Lis?” Holly joked.


Lisa snorted. “Aren’t you too?” she sank further into her chair and browsed through her magazine.


“Well, it’s thanks to you. You lent me that ‘Arabian Nights’ and ‘Famous Wars’ book when I was around five and it’s your fault I’m just as enthusiastic about history and myths as you are.” Holly said in a sarcastic tone.


“Don’t blame me, my dad bought them!” Lisa responded. “Anyway, I’m feeling so excited. It’s lucky that our parents permitted us to go by our own, right? Just the two of us! And for the first time!”


Holly pursed her lips. “Mum and dad were actually shocked when I told them.” She told her. “It took me four days to persuade them. I mean…no one would want their kids going to a country like Iraq, wouldn’t they?”


“There’s not much war there nowadays, and besides, we’ll be going there for just four days.” Lisa assured. “This is our only chance. What can happen?”


Holly opened her mouth to answer, but stopped short when she spotted an article on the first page. She began to read it:


TERRORISTS STRIKE AGAIN ; 50 CASUALTIES REPORTED


Baghdad, IRAQ – Yesterday evening, an explosion ripped apart a wedding ceremony at the Mikhail Village area at the outskirts of Baghdad. Based on reports, around 50 attendants were killed, which included 10 children and 101 were left seriously injured.


According to an eyewitness, who disclosed his name as Shah, told reporters of the New York Times that they were going through marriage rituals when suddenly, there was a large boom and the next thing he knew, he was being thrown a few feet away. However, he managed to catch a glimpse of a few masked men carrying firearms. They shouted ‘Allahu Akbar’ multiple times, which translates to English as ‘God is great,’ before passing out.


Police are now investigating the case, and suspect that it may be caused by militants of the terrorist organization, the Ahriman, who were responsible for around 57 bombings in the capital and the kidnapping of many Americans over the previous years. The Chief Officer of the Iraqi Police Force (IPF), states that although war has subsided in the country, there are still dangers at every corner. He also advises the public to always be alert and wary, and report any suspicious acts to police immediately.


(Detailed report at page 14)


“Holly!” Lisa said loudly. “Hello? Hey-lo?”


Holly shoved the article into Lisa’s face. “Look at this, Lisa!”


Lisa’s eyes seemed to bulge for a moment. Then, she said: “Oh. Erm…”


“Erm? That’s all you can say?” Holly snapped. “It happened only yesterday!”


“Holly, we’ll be visiting the Gates of Ishtar and all those historical sites.” Lisa checked her hair in a small mirror. “Those bomb-freaks wouldn’t go to such places, won’t they?”


Holly’s eyes narrowed and she let out a sigh. “They do!” she said wearily. “Anywhere with a lot of people will be enough!”


“Yeah, yeah.” Lisa said, still checking her hair.


Holly was about to give Lisa a lecture on dangers in Iraq when a smell caught her nose. It was an unusually spicy but delicious aroma. She turned to her friend just in time to see Lisa toss the mirror into her handbag.


“Just in time, I’m starved!” she said brightly.


As the sound of the food trolley being pushed along the aisle became louder, Holly folded away her newspaper and muttered: “Bother.” She glanced at her watch and sighed.


Another 3 hours.


This was going to be one long flight.


**


The Guridad Desert of Iraq looked as if they had been desolated for a long time. However, a long chronicle had been etched into the ground; during the previous years, it had been used as a battlefield for many wars, including the war between the US and Iraq forces that lasted for many years. Blood and bullets had drenched the gold of the sand many times, leaving a stench of the past in the air after the battle, which cast a slightly gloomy atmosphere over the land. As a result, many tales were told about the Guridad, from acounts of soldiers’ victory to spooky stories about encounters with ghosts of those who had died fighting.


And because of this, no one dared to venture into this ‘unholy territory,’ as people would call it, thus making it a safe haven for vagabonds, illegal immigrants and extremists.


However, that golden rule was excluded by the figure sitting on a rock and surveying the area around him. A blue scarf was wrapped around his young, tanned face, while dark sunglasses blocked his shady eyes. The desert’s dry wind ruffled through his black hair, which stood up in untidy strands.


“People died here…” he muttered to himself. His eyes then travelled from the landscape to his hands. He then picked up a small stone from the ground and tossed it around.


The wind blew harder, prompting the figure to clutch his scarf tighter. Then, a beeping sound split the silence. The figure reached into his pocket and pulled out a phone-like object that resembled a walkie talkie.


“Ezekiel Al-Asha, reporting.” He answered.


A hoarse, impatient male voice sounded through the speaker: “Where are you? Have you forgotten about the briefing on our next mission today? Everyone has gathered already! You’d better be back soon…!”


The figure, Ezekiel, sighed. “Yes sir, I will be there as soon as possible.” He replied in a slightly dull tone and pocketed the walkie talkie.


As he stood up, the wind had already turned into a small gale. Stumbling slightly on the heavy dunes, he took one last look at the sky, and strode away. Taking a deep breath, he began to sing under his breath:


“Sand-drenched traveller,

journeying under sweltering weather.

Your broken memories and dreams are a burden,

A heavy load for your sad, sorry camel.

What is it that you seek, o weary traveller?

Is it hell, heaven or neither?

What is your vision of the world, o weary traveller?

Is it black like the night, or blue like the aether?”


Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain. He looked down at his right hand, the hand that held the stone which he had found earlier. Drops of crimson trickled from a thin line of red on his palm, glinting in the sunlight.


Grimacing, he threw the stone far away into the desert, and after watching it hit the ground, he repeated his song.


_____________________________________________________________________________________


Author's note: I don't have much knowledge about Iraq and their wars, so I invented most of the places and the battles.

Hiya Lil!

In a few moments, the large, winged machine was enveloped by the bright blue sky, littered with specks of fluffy white clouds.

With the line "in a few moments," it make me think that this was a continuation of the prologue. Put some more info, maybe about Holly and Lisa getting on the plane, or settling in for the flight?

While the aeroplane’s altitude slowly increased,

"Airplane"

Holly turned to her. “Huh? Oh it’s nothing.” She replied. “I just find the flight attendant’s voice a little…funny.” As she returned to her newspaper, she stopped in her actions as she heard the woman giggle.

~ Nice bit about the flight attendant. It makes me think that something not so nice is going to happen on that flight. Although, after reading everything, I'm a bit disappointed that nothing actually happened. Or it that to come?

~ The mention of a woman at the end of this line made me think the flight attendant had giggled. Perhaps put "beside her" after "woman" to make it clearer.

~ Mention of women in general threw me off when it came to their ages. I thought they were twenty-something until they started talking about parents.

The woman, Lisa, stopped laughing and did a gesture to wave it away. “Neh, it’s just weird for you to read a newspaper.” She said.

Usually I think of it as "meh"

“At least it’s something to read.” Holly answered, pulling a face.

~ Your dialogue punctuation is a bit off here. I'd check out this article for tips.

~ I would try switching the dialogue and tag here, so it would read like so:

Holly pulled a face. "At least it's something to read."

(Note- I tend to like the tags to come before dialogue in general, so instead of quoting every line where the dialogue comes before the tags, I'll just let you know I would get rid of most tags after the dialogue. Either put them in front of the dialogue, or simply delete them if you already have a tag in front of them)

And for the first time!”

I find this implies that they've gone on trips like this before, with their parents. Have they?

“This is our only chance.

Why is it their only chance? College next year? Something else?

Baghdad, IRAQ – Yesterday evening, an explosion ripped apart a wedding ceremony at the Mikhail Village area at the outskirts of Baghdad. Based on reports, around 50 attendants were killed, which included 10 children and 101 were left seriously injured.

[...]

(Detailed report at page 14)

Just quoting this to let you know that only the first paragraph is italicized. To fix that, italicize each paragraph individually.

“Hello? Hey-lo?”

I usually think of it as "helo-o" or "hel-lo" but that's up to you. ^_^

“Just in time, I’m starved!” she said brightly.

It's unclear who the "she" is in this sentence. I'd put a proper name for that tag to make it clearer.

However, a long chronicle had been etched into the ground;

Hmm, after reading the definition of "chronicle," I find it fits in this sentence but perhaps isn't the best word for the sentence. The word "long" coupled "chronicle" made me think you meant "trenches," since that's what's used for war.

If you want to keep the word chronicle, make the idea that the desert is a record clearer. Another option would be to delete "long" so the idea that the desert holds a record is clearer.

during the previous years, it had been used as a battlefield for many wars, including the war between the US and Iraq forces that lasted for many years.

"Years" is used twice here, almost right on top of each other. I would rework this sentence so things are less repetitive. ^_^

Blood and bullets had drenched the gold of the sand many times, leaving a stench of the past in the air after the battle, which cast a slightly gloomy atmosphere over the land. As a result, many tales were told about the Guridad, from acounts of soldiers’ victory to spooky stories about encounters with ghosts of those who had died fighting.

Beautiful imagery! You can see everything, and how gloomy it looks. Are you sure you've never been to Iraq?

And because of this, no one dared to venture into this ‘unholy territory,’

It's not usually a good idea to put quotes in dialogue. If you leave them out, then we get a better sense of what this place looks like.

However, that golden rule was excluded by the figure sitting on a rock and surveying the area around him.

"Excluded by the figure" is a bit confusing to me. I think you mean that he's one of those people who enter, since you list those who can before, but that phrase confuses me.

Author's note: I don't have much knowledge about Iraq and their wars, so I invented most of the places and the battles.

It is a bad idea to tell people you don't know much about a topic. Writers might make up stuff to suite their plot's needs, but most people either accept it as fact or write authors a bunch of nasty letters telling them what they got wrong. I would learn more about Iraq, or just let critics point out any misinformation.

~~

Characterization: Holly seems a bit older then.. seventeen? Is that how old they are? And Lisa seems a bit younger, around fifteen. I would give some more hints as to their ages. Like is that was their first year getting a job, if they're going into college after this, ect. All those good things that give us some idea of a person's age. ^_^

Description: Because of the tags they way they are in the first part, there is hardly any description about the plane. Get some more feeling in there, like the pressure dropping, ears popping, the cold breeze that is usually on planes, ect. That could be done by using action tags like I talked about before.

However, when you talk about the desert, you do a fantastic job. It's just the plane that needs more description, kay?

Overall: You have some hints in the plane scene that I would follow through on. Like the funny voice for the flight attendant and the spicy smells (thanks to the funny flight attendant's voice that made me think of spicy as something more... middle-eastern). If you don't follow through, then I, at least, will feel cheated, and I think other readers will feel that way too. But I'm pretty sure you put those in on purpose.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Thank you so much for the review, Rosey! I really appreciate it!