Alvalor 2.1

Lower Byklaw Entrance Two.
Will looked around the little cabin as Napodi hurried off to find her father. It was small and rustic, yet had an almost homey feeling to it. The windows had no glass, the floor was simply flat dirt covered with a giant woven rug, and the wooden furniture had a bumpy look, as if someone had used a chisel to carve them out of a tree.
As he sat down on a chair at the small table, he tried to pull his thoughts together. Okay, so he had somehow been transported inside the book—that much he was sure of. How exactly, Will had no idea, but at least he knew where he was.
He smiled grimly, remembering the look on Napodi’s face when she heard his question. After raising her eyebrows, she had told him that he was in the village Byklaw of the Septribes, in Alvalor.
His smile widened painfully, and Will winced, but kept smiling, his heart thudding with excitement. Finally, his adventure was here. For years he had dreamed of what it would be like to be inside one of his books, and now he had the chance to live it!
Lost in thought and staring out into space, Will didn’t notice when Napodi came back into the room. Next to her stood a huge man with dark brown hair and gray-ish blue eyes.
Napodi’s dad actually wasn’t that much bigger than an average man, but people often made that mistake because he simply acted big. He stomped, he boomed, and he hollered, so people always just assumed he was larger than usual. His face was lined with the stress and burdens of a single parent, but his eyes were kind, winked easily, and almost always full of a teasing amusement.
After standing where he was for a few minutes, Napodi’s father cleared his throat. Will jumped up, embarrassed.
“Refton Byklaw!” The man bowed. “So you are the boy in the strange clothes who helped the twins?” he asked in a deep voice.
“Yeah….” Will started.
“You are the one who chased off that Oiseye boy?” he pressed.
“Um, yes, but….” Will started again.
“Then,” the man boomed “You must have dinner with us tonight so we can express our thanks!”
Will started to smile, but quickly caught himself. Refton saw this and said, with a sly grin, “But first, I shall send for a healer! We cannot have our guest so painfully inclined that he cannot show expression!” And with that, he stomped out the door.
Napodi and Will glanced at each other then looked away. An awkward silence filled the room.
“I never did thank you for what you did,” Napodi said, looking at the ground, “So, um, thank you.”
“Oh, er, it’s—it’s really no problem,” Will stuttered, embarrassed. “The guy’s a total jerk.” They looked around the cabin in silence for a couple minutes.
“Where are you from?” Napodi asked shyly.
Will hesitated. What should he say? That he was from a world outside this one, which is actually a book? Sure, that was believable. He had to think quickly. Just as he opened his mouth though, Max and Millie came bursting into the room on their crutches.
“Are you really staying for dinner?” Max asked, breathing hard. Will tried to hide his sigh of relief.
“Yeah, I guess so.” Will managed a small, crooked smile.
Millie and Max grinned. “We have not had a guest for dinner in ages!” Max spouted, “Papa says it is because we talk too much, but I think it is because Napodi does not talk enough!”
Their sister flushed. “Hush, Max,” she said hurriedly, flashing Will an apologetic smile. “Do not scare this one away, too.”
“Will you help us?” Millie ignored both of them, swinging on her crutch over to Will. “We need to make dinner before Papa gets home, or he will cook his Meat-sauce Surprise again.” She made a face.
Will chuckled. “Sure, what are we making?”
“Chicken,” Napodi sighed. “Come, Millie, let us go get Whelma.”
“Whelma?” Will turned to Max after the girls left.
“The chicken!” Max grinned. “I always get to eat the heart!”
“You—you name your dinner?” Will stood frozen by the table, his eyebrows raised.
Max shrugged. “It is better than calling it ‘chicken’ all the time.”
After hearing a bird screech wildly one minute, and seeing Napodi bring in a plucked, headless body the next, Will vowed never to eat meat again.
That was before he smelt it cooking over the spit, as Napodi turned it slowly. “I changed my mind,” Will inhaled, his eyes closed. “Chicken is most definitely my favorite food.”
Napodi laughed. “And you would say that about beef if we were cooking the family cow.”
Will grinned and shrugged. “Maybe you’re right. I’ve got fickle taste buds.”
While they were waiting for the chicken to finish cooking, Refton Byklaw walked in, followed by a skinny man who was carrying a burlap bag over his boney shoulder that looked healthier than he did.
His wispy gray hair, or what was left of it, looked strangely like thin, sickly wire. His nose was flat against a face that was full of dips and pinches, and speckled with lumpy, cancerous-looking moles. His cheeks were wrinkled and sagged, and his eyes were so sunken you could barely see their cloudy grayness.
Both of the men wore clothes very similar to Napodi and the twins; coarse, brown, baggy pants and shirt, with a shimmering silver cloak tied about their necks. And, like the others, they wore nothing on their tan feet.
Lowering the bag to the floor, the healer slurred at Will to take his shirt off, and sit on a chair. For what seemed like the millionth time today, Will hesitated. He shifted his position and looked down at his feet. Then, slowly, he started to take his shirt off.
Napodi gasped when she saw the angry scars covering his back and chest. Most of them were from years ago, and long healed over except for a jagged mark, but a few looked quite fresh and dark. The unharmed space of his torso rippled with muscles from long years of hard work and perseverance.
With a hot face and shirt in hand, Will sat down in a chair.
His mouth puckering horribly like Will’s English teacher’s as he frowned, the healer decided to ignore this revelation and plunked his boney behind in a chair across from Will. Hands shaking, he took a clay bottle out of his bag and said in a slimy voice while prying off the top, “This may shting a little.”
♦ ♦ ♦
During dinner, Max and Millie, who were squished on either side of Will at the small table, talked nonstop about what had happened that day.
They were fully convinced that Will had galloped in on a mighty white horse, leaped off head first, and shoved his rock-hard skull into the bully’s gut. Then he scooped up their crutches, did a back flip, and handed them back with a bow.
The food tasted as good as it had smelled. He shoveled it down as the twins, still talking, now bickered over by whom Will would be sleeping. Refton looked at them, then back at Will. “Will you be staying the night? I am sure we have an extra hammock somewhere...unless you have other plans of course.”
“Sure, that would be great!” said Will through a mouthful of meat. “I have no plans whatsoever.” He swallowed and smiled to himself. Nope, none at all.
So, for the first time in many years, in a gently rocking hammock surrounded by others cradling deeply breathing figures, Will slept comfortably and soundly.

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I wish i could just skip forward to where it gets better. Hope this part doesn't kill your interest.
--Anna

Will looked around the little cabin as Napodi hurried off to find her father. It was small and rustic, yet had an almost homey feeling to it. The windows had no glass, the floor was simply flat dirt covered with a giant woven rug, and the wooden furniture looked very much handmade.

I think you should elaborate on the bit about the homey feeling, because I can't see why a mangy old cottage could seem homey.

This was the weirdest thing that had ever happened to him, but also the coolest! Who could ever imagine getting sucked into a book they were reading?

This is corny. The "coolest" bit especially. Even though Will is the type of person to feel like things are cool after getting sucked into a book, I think you should change it to something else, though I don't know what.

Lost in thought and staring out into space, Will didn’t notice when Napodi came back into the room. Next to her stood a huge man with dark brown hair and gray-ish blue eyes.

This was a very quick and basic description. I don't think you should carry on about him too much, but just a little more.

OVERALL: This didn't kill my interest. The things above were the only problems I could find, and I like the story, though I would like things to get more interesting. But all stories have to have moderation, and I think yours, so far, has a near perfect balance.

The windows had no glass, the floor was simply flat dirt covered with a giant woven rug, and the wooden furniture looked very much handmade.

The very much handmade part sounded odd to me and I would change it to something more like, “and the wooden furniture looked like it had been handmade.” or something to that sort, “very much” just doesn’t flow.

How exactly, he had no idea, but at least he knew where he was.

He smiled grimly, remembering the look on Napodi’s face when he asked her where he was.

Okay, so I do this to, but you need to watch how many times you use the same noun. In one sentance you used HE three times, and started the next sentance with it, and then proceeded to use it 2 more times. That's six times in two sentances... which is quite a lot . When you do that it stops the flow, and just doesn't sound as good. You didn't do it to much throughtout the story and this one jumped at me the most so I thought I would point it out.

This was the weirdest thing that had ever happened to him, but also the coolest! Who could ever imagine getting sucked into a book they were reading?

Have to agree with the above comment, you’re a good writer and I believe you can come up with a better word then coolest.

Napodi’s father cleared his throat, and Will jumped up, embarrassed.

I already like Napodi’s father, especially the part about his eyes and how he winked easily. I didn’t get this part however, what does Will have to be embarssed about? The fact that he was thinking, how his face looks... I don’t know. It just didn’t click when I read it.

Will hesitated. What should he say? That he’s from the world outside this one which is actually a book? Sure, that was believable. He had to think quickly. Just as he opened his mouth though, Max and Millie came bursting into the room on their crutches.

Okay so the part "That he's", I'm not a grammar expert so I could be wrong but shouldn't it be something more like, "That he was from a world...."

This could just be me but when I read “Sure, that was believable” it sounded kind of sarcastic in my head. I would put more of an emphasis on that, make it italicized. Up to you though, cause I’m not sure if that was how you want it to sound.

“Yes!” Millie and Max grinned. They toddled into a different room, loudly arguing over which of them would sit by him. In came Refton Byklaw with a skinny man who was carrying a burlap bag over his boney shoulder that looked healthier than he did.

Enjoyed the description of the bag, but I must say, this healer got here REALLY fast. I understand that you are trying to move the story along, but unless this guy lives right next door it should have taken him a little longer to arrive. Maybe you can throw in some more excitement with the two twins, heck maybe Napodi could start dinner and Will could help. All I am saying is that it seems it should have taken Napodi’s father and the healer a little longer to get here.

His wispy gray hair, or what was left of it, looked strangely like thin, sickly wire. His nose was flat against a face that was full of dips and pinches, and speckled with lumpy, cancerous-looking moles. His cheeks were wrinkled and sagged, and his eyes were so sunken you could barely see their cloudy grayness.

LOVED this description. You have a real nack for describing people, I loved the cancerous-looking moles especially, made me chuckle.

Intrigued, Napodi decided to give further thought later on this strange activity in her innards.

I understand your trying to pass on Napodi’s feeling but this sentance felt weird and out of place. Mostly because everything we have been hearing has been from Will’s point of view, and to all of the sudden switch to Napodi stopped the flow of what was going on.

He shoveled it down as the twins, still talking, now bickered over by whom Will was sleeping.

Instead of “by whom Will was sleeping”, since it is supposed to be future tense I believe it should say “by whom Will would be sleeping” as it hasn’t happened yet.

That’s it. I didn’t loose interest and enjoyed it, your description of the Healer still makes me smile. Good job.

the floor was simply flat dirt covered with a giant woven rug,

Put an and after dirt.

Napodi and Will glanced at each other then looked away.

An and after other.

“This may shting a little.”

Ha ha, sting not shting. Unless he has an accent or something, lol.

They were fully convinced that Will had gal-loped

Galloped is one word. Shouldn't' be hyphenated.

now bickered over by whom Will was sleeping.

Sounds a little strange. I understand what you meant, but you should rephrase it because it sounds weird.

On the contrary, this chapter does not kill my interests. I think it's funny how authors seem to think that the chapters they were bored to write will also bore the audience, but then the opposite happens. This was fun to read.

I like the new characters you introduced. So far my favorite characters are Max and Millie, Refton and the healer. I hope we get to see more of them later on, Refton especially, he's funny. I absolutely loved the healer, Max and Millie are hilarious. I thought it was amusing how they thought Will was some kind of knight in shining armor.

It's also amusing to me how innocent Napodi is. She was going to "question the activity in her innards". Lol. Priceless! How old is she? Seems young/gullible.

A lot less run-on sentences here, which is a good improvement. It was much easier to read.

Ciao baby,

Dreamworx95

XOXO