POD 38 -Code

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Philosophy of the Dark
Chapter 38
-Code


The hospital loomed over Jamie. It’s white and beige paint was
beginning to chip, and the giant red cross was chipping. There were white
blinds in all of the windows, most were closed, but the few open ones
showed bare white rooms typical of hospitals.

She recognized the sterile scent that went with all hospitals as she walked
into the waiting room.

There were two tired looking nurses sitting at the main desk, Jamie walked
up to them.

“Hello honey.” The younger woman looked up from the computer and
smiled at Jamie. The smile took years off of her appearance.

“Hey,” Jamie said, “I’m here to visit Richard Dumont.”

The nurse’s smile faltered for a split second, then returned when she
spoke. “It’s past visiting hours, Jamie.” She said her name like she was
proud she knew it. She’d seen the case.

“Please,” Jamie said, “I need to see him.”

The nurse looked to the other nurse snoozing behind her. Cautiously she
leaned forward, keeping her eyes on the room.

“I’m not supposed to let you see him, but I was on your side,” she
said, “You know what room he’s in. Be out within the hour.”

The nurse sat back down quietly, smiling slightly at Jamie.

“Thank you,” Jamie said quietly before she walked off down the hall.

The door to Richard’s room was no different than any other in the hospital,
yet it stood out to Jamie. Like when you’re driving down a street your friend
lived on, none of the houses stand out except for one. The others are just
cues showing you the real destination.

Jamie took one glance down the hall before slipping into the room.

It didn’t have the look of most long-term patient rooms. There were a few
cards from fans of the case who didn’t like Jamie, but other than that it was
the same, sterile, white room it had been before him.

Jamie sat down in one of the scratchy red chairs next to the bed. She
looked at her father, trying to remember the man he was. Cruel, hateful,
abusive. But all she saw was a victim like herself.

They were both the same in that way. Usually Jamie had no problems
seeing through his kind exterior, but it was harder than she thought to look
at her dying father and remember what he had done to get there.

The slow beeping of the heart monitor was irregular, even somebody with
no medical degree’s could tell that. His skin looked unhealthy, with it’s light
sheen accustomed to cold sweat. He hadn’t moved much since Jamie had
last seen him. He was deteriorating by the second.

“What have I done?” Jamie asked herself. Her head fell limply into her
hands Tears fell from her eyes and her shoulders shook. Small noises
escaped, like those from her mother earlier. Everything was going wrong,
and it was all her fault. A few months ago she would have still had faith, but
what had remained after court had long been gone.

A raspy sound reached through Jamie’s tears. She looked up at Richard,
the source. He hadn’t moved, but she knew that he made the sound. Jamie
stood up and looked down at him.

His left eyelid twitched sending Jamie’s heart spiraling. Was he waking up?

“Dad?” Jamie whispered, leaning over the bed.

Richards eyes began to move behind his eyelids, slowly at first and then
faster. The air in the room was thick, making it hard to breathe.

Jamie looked around the room for something to call in the doctors. There
was no bit obvious button on the wall. Jamie was afraid to push anything in
fear of messing up.

She ran to the door and looked down the hall, nobody was there. The slow
unsteady beat from the heart monitor sped up. At first it was almost
unnoticeable, but it soon reached a dangerous speed.

“Dad,” Jamie gasped and ran back to his bed, searching more frantically for
a way to call in the nurses.

A light started to flash red above the heart monitor. Soon other machines
began to beep, and a single loud siren coved them all. Now something was
wrong. Very wrong.

The doctors rushed in along with several nurses.

“What’s wrong with him?” Jamie asked. Her voice let all of her fear show
through.

“Back away from the bed,” one of the sterner looking doctors said.

“But he’s-”

“I said, back away from the bed, now.” He was yelling at her now.

The room was full of frantic people all fighting to fix him.

“His blood pressures way too high,” one person said.

“His breathings stopped.”

“Somebody intubate him.”

One of the nurses pulled Jamie away from the room as they were pulling
out the defibrillator.

The doctor who had yelled at Jamie took the thing in his hands, “Clear!” He
yelled before pressing it to Richards bare chest.

“Somebody call in more doctors! This is a code!”


__________________________________________________
Next part: Chapter 39- Released Suppression
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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It’s white and beige paint was
beginning to chip, and the giant red cross was chipping. There were white
blinds in all of the windows, most were closed, but the few open ones
showed bare white rooms typical of hospitals.
She recognized the sterile scent that went with all hospitals as she walked
into the waiting room.
You come in with a lot of repeated words. If you mean to repeat white, I'd do it closer together so it doesn't just sound like you forgot other colors.

“Hello, honey.” The younger woman looked up from the computer and
smiled at Jamie. The smile took years off of her appearance.
Again, you're repeating things. There should be a comma after hello for direct adress.

“I’m not supposed to let you see him, but I was on your side,” she
said,(.) “You know what room he’s in. Be out within the hour.”
Your comma needs to be a period.

The nurse sat back down quietly, smiling slightly at Jamie.

“Thank you,” Jamie said quietly before she walked off down the hall.
I wouldn't usually have a problem with this, but since they're so close... It's up to you to change one.

“What have I done?” Jamie asked herself. Her head fell limply into her
hands.
Missed a period.

“Somebody call in more doctors! This is a code!”
I think that's a great way to end it, with a line that should cause panic in most people. I only giggled slightly cause my mom is a nurse and her favorite phrase is "Chill out. Nobody's going to code." *Bad Roya!*

Well you did good this time. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for more, that's for sure. If he dies and she goes to jail, though... I'm going to be very pissed off. XD I pointed out a few things in the beginning that got a bit repetative, but some of them were just my own opinion, so you decide whether you want to do anything about it or not. Just please promise me you won't go back into those funky court chapters again. lol

~Roya
[url="www.royacrystaldoesnanowrimo.tumblr.com"]Follow my 2011 NaNoWriMo progress on tumblr[/url] or [url="http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/734471"]friend me on the official NaNoWriMo forums[/url]!




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He's going to die, isn't he? I don't whether I should be glad or sad at that, I really don't.


JC wrote:It’s white and beige paint was beginning to chip, and the giant red cross was chipping.


It's = its.

Use a different word besides "chip" the second time.


JC wrote:There were white blinds in all of the windows, most were closed, but the few open ones showed bare white rooms typical of hospitals.


Semi-colon or start a new sentance.


JC wrote:There were two tired looking nurses sitting at the main desk, Jamie walked up to them.


Add a connecting word like "and" to run the two parts of the sentance together.


JC wrote:The nurse sat back down quietly, smiling slightly at Jamie.

“Thank you,” Jamie said quietly before she walked off down the hall.


Might be a good idea to use a different word instead of "quietly" the second time.


JC wrote:Like when you’re driving down a street your friend lived on, none of the houses stand out except for one. The others are just cues showing you the real destination.


Good description/metaphor? but should "cues" be "clues"?


JC wrote:There were a few cards from fans of the case who didn’t like Jamie, but other than that it was the same, sterile, white room it had been before him.


Nix this comma.


JC wrote:The slow beeping of the heart monitor was irregular, even somebody with no medical degree’s could tell that.


Degree's = degree.


JC wrote:His skin looked unhealthy, with it’s light sheen accustomed to cold sweat.


It's = its.


JC wrote:Her head fell limply into her hands Tears fell from her eyes and her shoulders shook.


Run these two together so it reads, Her head fell limply into her hands, tears fell from her eyes and her shoulders shook, or something like that.


JC wrote:She looked up at Richard, the source


Take this out, it sounds weird.



JC wrote:His left eyelid twitched, sending Jamie’s heart spiraling.


Comma after "twitched".


JC wrote: There was no bit obvious button on the wall.


Bit = big?



JC wrote:She ran to the door and looked down the hall, nobody was there.


Semi colon.


JC wrote:“His blood pressures way too high,” one person said.

“His breathings stopped.”


Both times here, you need to add an apostrophe. So, pressures = pressure's and breathings = breathing's.


JC wrote:One of the nurses pulled Jamie away from the room as they were pulling out the defibrillator.


Use a different word.


JC wrote:The doctor who had yelled at Jamie took the thing in his hands, “Clear!” He yelled before pressing it to Richards bare chest.


Use a different word.


JC wrote:The doctor who had yelled at Jamie took the thing in his hands, “Clear!” He yelled before pressing it to Richards bare chest.


Full stop instead of comma.

Small letter on "he".


What did the doctor mean about "it's a code!"?
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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*tear* :cry:
"Don't be afarid of the darkness, for when it's dark you can see the stars." - Marching Band Family 2008.




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Hey, JC. :D I just realised that I haven't read POD in a while, and then suddenly there was a new part lol. I'm not sure if the things I noticed have been found by other people, but i'll point them out anyway.

It’s white and beige paint was
beginning to chip...

It's= Its. I've noticed you do that in a few parts, not necessarily in this piece. I used to do that too, until a few weeks ago. Just seems right. xD

She recognized the sterile scent that went with all hospitals as she walked
into the waiting room.

Nothing actually wrong there, but it's a sentance I've read every time a hospital has come up. I've got a story somewhere with almost the exact same sentance. Maybe you could try to make it some a little more unique. There's a few different ways you can do it, but you don't have too. Just a pet peeve of mine lol.

fans of the case

Once again, that doesn't sound quite right. Maybe 'followers?' Because I don't think you get many fans. ;)

even somebody with
no medical degree’s

Should that be degrees? I'm not quite sure...

with it’s light sheen accustomed to cold sweat.

Its

His left eyelid twitched sending Jamie’s heart spiraling.

Comma after twitched.

“His blood pressures way too high,”

*pressure's

“Somebody intubate him.”

I always thought it was incubate, but it might not be. I'd have to look that one up.

Anyway, that's everything I found. Good chapter. Now i just have to wait until the next chapter comes. Not too long, hopefully?




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Hmmm...Chill out, nobody's gonna code...I like it =D lol

Anyways, thanks for pointing out all the repeats! I forgot to read it over before posting *bad JC!* and yeah...so I'll be sure to fix that!

Thanks for the reviews!!!


-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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Wow, I'm a day late and everybody else has pointed out any mistakes/ suggestions. I'm lucky!!

You know what JC??

.........

............

BIG improvement on your last pieces. I loved this one!! I actually have nothing to really suggest, except maybe to describe the nurse rather than say she looked tired and the smile took years off her appearance....

So, yeah. What a lame crit but you should be proud. Writer's block seems to have slipped away...??

All the best,
Keep this up,
Alainna
xxxxxxxxxxx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

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A code... what? XD


Hm, wasn't so bad. Though I already know they'll probably go, "Oh, oh, why were you in the room? You did it to him!" Or maybe they won't, but that is my guess. I mean, with the story behind her, and the fact that visiting hours weren't going on [you should have the doctors be surprised that she is in there.] they'd blame her, right? I don't know.

You should have more body language. When her dad is freaking out, what is she doing. Holding her head? Rubbing her hands together, nervously? Or perfectly still? Body language is an amazing way to convey emotion.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo



Remember, hate is always foolish, and love is always wise!
— The 12th Doctor