I realllllly hate Dr. Haaser >.< The end part of this once was really sweet, I just want JOn out of there, he isnt crazy and ohhh its frustrating me as much as it it him! Atleast Kyle is there now, or is he? O.o
Aww Jon and Kyle! This just makes me so happy. Since Kyle is "starting anew" knowingly wise, he is actually able to give feelings that Jon may not have been able to see before. It's so sweet. Sleeping in the same bed just like old times *wipes away tear* ...This better be the reall Kyle though, it's making me all emotional and I don't think I'd be able to deal with seeing Jon hurt again. Jon needs out! That stupid Dr.Haaser is getting on my last nerve with the "okay" buisness. It's very very interesting though! I can't wait to see what he wants Jon for, why he wants to hurt him so badly, it's probably something absolutely horrible right? Oh I can't wait!
~Rieda
I love, love.
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!*
Hi Brad, I wanted to drop by and check out your work ... for obvious reasons.
I don't have time for an in-depth crit right now (do you want one?) but there's something that stands out from my brief glance. In several places you incorrectly format dialogue.
For example:
"You've said this," Dr. Haaser nodded knowingly.
Should be: 'You've said this.' Dr. Haaser nodded knowingly.
Commas are only used at the end of dialogue if a speech tag follows, and since you can't knowingly nod words ... you get the idea.
Again here:
"No," Jon began struggling against the clasps around his ankles and wrists once more. "No...no more medicine," he shook his head."
No doubt only punctuation crazies would notice, but it's always nice to do things properly.
The level of detail is yours for the choosing. As a rule, I try to steer people away from anything that becomes cumbersome, since all I ever post here are first-drafts that are, eventually, tossed and rewritten completely, and the final drafts are sent off to my editors. Thus, in consequence, I really try to encourage people to only concern themselves with the plot, since that is what I am most prone to adapting.
Now, the dialogue bit--yes, the editor I was assigned couldn't stand it until she got into the story. We went round-and-round about it until she realized that, at least from narrative sense, it makes sense, because people don't say things, then do something--no, generally people can walk and talk at the same time, and combining action into dialogue really gives a feel for the level of inconsequence it has (or severity) for the person talking. Still, it's certainly a debatable point.
Best,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
