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One.: Him

I sat at one of the small, square tables inside Starbucks, sipping at a black coffee as I read the Tuesday news. Starbucks was unusually vacant today, having only five customers in the coffee shop including myself. The only noise in the shop was the buzz of employee gossip behind the registers and the soft jazz coming from the sound system.
I switched my gaze from a story about some politician's campaign, to the article about the murdered family (a man, woman, son, and their golden retriever). The amount of killings was rising, and these humans were killed like all the rest. Their blood and organs had been drained into the upstairs bathtub, and their stomachs had been sliced into the design of a rose. The killer had been extra careful (and extra calm) because no fingerprints or any trace that he'd been there had shown up--except of course for the four corpses, but it might as well have been the father or mother that killed them. The only other sign that a murderer had killed them and not the family members was the vase of white and red roses on the dining room table, found along with a note that read "And come he slow or come he fast, it is but Death who comes at last."
Taking a long gulp of coffee, I turned the page. I didn't want to read about death. It was too close to a part of my existence, and I have to deal with that every day. I am a living vampire. I have all the advantages of an undead vampire, but none of the weaknesses. Well, except for one, but it isn't really a weakness for all vampires. When I take blood or feel a strong emotion, I flame up. My body catches fire, but only the things around me burn. It's very rare, and so far I haven't met anyone with the same "condition." Lucky us, vampires are the only ones that can do that. Something in our DNA makes it super easy for mutations to occur.

I looked up from reading a cartoon strip as the bells on the door chimed. A man walked in, hunched over himself as if it were cold. His stringy dark brown hair hung over his eyes, making them invisible to me. He was wearing a red plaid flannel shirt over a white top. An old pair of scuffed and dirty blue jeans hung on his hips, making him appear beautifully grisly. The brown boots poking out from the hem of the jeans were in the same, worn state. He looked like he might have been homeless, but his clean-shaven face told me otherwise.
He went to the register and propped an arm on the counter, cocking his hip a little and tossing his hair from his eyes. He muttered something to the startled cashier and waited while she made his coffee. When she handed it to him shakily, he pulled out a few dollars and set them on the counter carelessly, walking toward the back of the coffee shop and plopping down in a chair.
He looked exhausted, as if he'd been climbing stairs for days and hadn't slept at all. But his eyes were radiant blue, glowing with a fierce determination. He looked dangerous.
As if sensing my eyes on him, he looked up from the Styrofoam cup and met my inspecting eyes with his closed and icy eyes that would crack the ice in Antarctica if he so much as glanced at it. Not that friendly, I guess, I thought, turning my gaze away from the strange man and out the large windows looking out over the docks and harbor. Ships were coming in and going out. I couldn't understand how fishermen and sailors got up at five in the morning to go out on the cold ocean (although to me it was quite nice) and work. Maybe they didn't think of it as work. Maybe they liked their work and thought of it as more of a hobby than a job.
I stole a glance at the man in the corner. He was leaning on his elbows, propped and folded on top of the table. His head was down, his rich brown hair falling over his face again. God, he was beautiful. Yes, I know. I don't know what the meaning of "beautiful" is. I think that grisly looked men exactly like the one sitting in the corner of Starbucks on an overcast Tuesday morning in March are more beautiful than any other.
I inhaled deeply through my nose, letting the scent of ashes and woodsmoke soak into me. It was his scent, and the scent of rain and asphalt lingered over it, protecting it as if it were a child.
The rusty scent of blood engulfed me, coming off him in ugly waves beneath the beauty. I sucked in and held the breath, fighting the instictive attack that would have put the whole coffee shop into shock and then fear. I sensed my eyes lightening to white as the air became choking and vile. The coffee came up in acidic bile, and I gulped it down, feeling the slime coat my throat in bitter liquid. How could I have been so dillusioned? He was a living vampire, and he'd fed recently (as my best guess since that's the only thing I could think of at the moment that would explain the blood). Unless... No. He couldn't be the murderer. A murderer wouldn't smell like rain and the street. But then again, I'd never met a murderer. I'd never smelled a murderer, either.

And then I realized the man was upon me. He was standing above me, seeming too big as he stood there, as if I were four years old again. I stared up, blinking a few times. He reached down and grabbed my shoulder, lurching me from the chair and reaching around me as if we were old friends so that my shoulder brushed his under arm. Even for my tall height of five-nine, he was still a head taller than me. Damn men and their freakish growth spurts.
He led me to the back door (the one for Employees Only). I think everyone was watching, but no one said a word. When the door closed behind us, he reached behind him with his free arm and pulled out a shiny black gun, pressing it into my side. I stiffened, letting out a breath I hadn't known was there and holding the next one. Muscles wire-tight, I let him lead me to the door that exited Starbucks through the back.
The cool breeze was calming, and I relaxed a little. The foul stench of blood drifted away from us, making my eyes darken into their natural hazel again.
The man stepped forward, not taking me with him, and spun, sending the hard gun to my face. I sank to the rain-dampened grass, clutching my neck as it throbbed from the blow of his gun. The man was yelling at me, but I couldn't hear him. The ringing in my ears hadn't died down yet. When it did, his voice boomed into me like Fourth of July fireworks.
"What do you know!" he shouted, gun pointing carelessly at my thigh. It didn't make me feel any better that he had his finger on the trigger. "What do you know!" he yelled again.
"About what?" I managed in a half-strangled voice before he smacked me again with the hard black gun, this time landing it squarely in my eye. I cried out in pain as my head lashed backward. "I don't freaking know anything!" I rasped. But he wasn't listening. He was readying himself to shoot me in my leg, probably knowing that I was a living vamp just like him.
Finding my strength, I lurched from the ground and into him, the gunshot ringing at my ear. He fell back, the gun flying out of his reach. I wrestled to get a hold on his wrists and pin them above his head, but he kept wriggling out of my grasp. Somehow, my fingers curled around muscle-tight skin, and I realized it was his neck. I squeazed hard, cutting off his air supply. His eyes flashed to white and he raked his fingernails over my shirt, tearing the thin cotton and ripping skin and flesh. I cried out, head lashing back in agony, and the man tossed my arm to the side as if it were a stick, throwing me along with it.
I dove head-first into the green grass, getting a mouthful of earth and a faceful of mud. I pushed off from the ground, rubbing my throbbing neck. He fell on me, straddling me to the ground and pinning my arms to my side with his legs. I struggled to get out from under him, but it was useless.
He leaned over me, his greasy hair brushing my cheek as he whispered a menacing, "What do you know?" his voice ragged and ugly.
I gave a final struggle, throwing all my weight into flipping him over. It worked, and when he came up, I came with him, giving a nasty blow to the back of his neck with my elbow. He fell heavily to the ground, unconscious.
Swiping a hand across my mouth, I grinned evilly. "That's what you get for holding me at gunpoint."
I went to the shining metal lying in the grass and picked it up. It felt heavy in my hands, comfortably cold from the ground, yet still warm from his body heat. I smiled at it, thinking about whether or not I should leave him here. I wasn't accustomed to strange men holding me at gunpoint and then tackling me, but I was too much of a good Samaritan to leave him lying there on the cold ground. He'd be sore when he wakes up, and he needed someone to take care of his street-stiffened body.
Last edited by xalabasteralienx on Fri Mar 09, 2007 12:45 am, edited 2 times in total.
Lestat: What have we told you? Never in the house.

Claudia: I promise I'll get rid of the bodies.




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Chapter Two. coming soon!
Hope you enjoy chapter number One! :D
Lestat: What have we told you? Never in the house.

Claudia: I promise I'll get rid of the bodies.




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"and the golden retriever" - "the"? I'd put "their".

"The amount of killings was rising; and these humans were killed like all the rest." - there is no point putting a semi-colon and "and", it's redundant. Choose one of them.

"for the three people and dog dead" - that sounds bad, re-arrange it.

"but it might have well as been" - switch "have" and "as".

"beautifully grisly" - nice oxymoron.

"Beautifully dangerous" - that doesn't work twice.

"laying" - you mean "lying"?

This was very good: very enrapturing. Space out the paragraphs to make it easier to read. You abbreviate vampire to "vamp". It may just be me but I don't like this. This story was excellent and I enjoyed your style.
ln(-a)=i(pi) + lna




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I was leaning on the kitchen counter that looked out through a window to the living room. I had been watching the man unconscious on my couch for the past half-hour. It had taken nearly two hours to lug him into my white van, drive to my house, and drag him by his arms to the couch. He was heavier than I thought he'd be, weighed down by dead-weight and gorgeous muscles. Surprisingly, he'd stayed knocked out the whole while.
Fingering the cold gun, I wondered what to do with it. Should I give it back to him so he would have a second chance to shoot me? No, that was definitely not an option. But it wasn't like I was going to keep it in my house. How do you get rid of a big, black gun that you stole from the guy that was trying to shoot you with it? Burry it in the backyard?
I was still wearing the ripped T-shirt, and the blood oozing from the shallow scratches had finally curdled and crusted into black and brown scabs. My left hand was pressing a wash cloth to my neck, the ice wrapped in it soothing the ache. My brow throbbed dully, a forgotten injury. I didn't want to look in any mirrors to observe the damage. It would only make me cringe and think that I shouldn't be caring for a guy that had tried to kill me.
Lestat: What have we told you? Never in the house.

Claudia: I promise I'll get rid of the bodies.




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Two.

I was leaning on the kitchen counter that looked out through a window to the living room. I had been watching the man unconscious on my couch for the past half-hour. It had taken nearly two hours to lug him into my white van, drive to my house, and drag him by his arms to the couch. He was heavier than I thought he'd be, weighed down by dead-weight and gorgeous muscles. Surprisingly, he'd stayed knocked out the whole while.
Fingering the cold gun, I wondered what to do with it. Should I give it back to him so he would have a second chance to shoot me? No, that was definitely not an option. But it wasn't like I was going to keep it in my house. How do you get rid of a big, black gun that you stole from the guy that was trying to shoot you with it? Burry it in the backyard?
I was still wearing the ripped T-shirt, and the blood oozing from the shallow scratches had finally curdled and crusted into black and brown scabs. My left hand was pressing a wash cloth to my neck, the ice wrapped in it soothing the ache. My brow throbbed dully, a forgotten injury. I didn't want to look in any mirrors to observe the damage. It would only make me cringe and think that I shouldn't be caring for a guy that had tried to kill me.
The man let out a soft moan from the couch, shifting a little. Ah, now he was conscious again and I could ask him what the hell he'd meant when he was yelling at me. The odds were for me. I had the gun.
Slipping down from the bar stool, I removed the wash cloth and took the gun, the scraping of metal on stone louder since I'd sat in silence for so long. I went from the kitchen to the living room, putting the wooden coffee table between the me and the couch, and cocking my hip. The gun hung loosely by my fingertips, still threatening even in the ease of my stance.
The man blinked a few times, then shot up, not knowing where he was. He glanced around the room frantically, trying to figure out where he was. Then his eyes found me, and he froze, eyes that feircely determined blue. His eyes flicked to the gun in my hand, knowing it was his, and then back to me.
"I've got a few questions for you, stud," I said, waving the gun carelessly in the air. His eyes were unblinking in the unlit house, glowing even in the dimness. Not bothering for him to answer, I said, "What do you think you're doing, attacking random women at Starbucks?"
He wasn't going to talk easily, I realized. So I raised the gun and stared down the barrel. He didn't stare at the gun; didn't even notice it. He just kept staring at me like he was going to jackhammer two holes through my eye sockets and to the back of my head.
Finger clicking off the safety, I said calmly, "Answer me."
He took a breath, clearly not wanting to explain this to me. His eyes softened and he looked down. "I can't." His gravelly voice sounded lost and fragile. I leaned over and set the gun on the coffee table, the heavy steel clunking dully in the silence.
"Now, was that so hard?" I said when I'd straightened. His gaze shot up to me, all tenderness gone. Ignoring it, I fired off with my questions. "Let's recap, shall we? I am sitting at my usual table when you walk in. While I'm trying oh-so-hard to ignore you, you get right up in my face and drag me out the back door. Then you freaking try to shoot me." I pointed to the gun on the table. "Oh, but that's after you smack me in the face and my neck." I pointed to both bruises. I smiled wryly. "And then I bring you to my house to get you cleaned up. Did you know that you are the first stranger that I've ever brought into my house after I knocked him unconscious?" His eyes were wide, but unapologetic.
Grimacing, I picked up the gun and held it out to him, waiting for him to take it. When he didn't, I looked at him sourly. "Take it. It's not mine, and I'm sure not burrying it in my backyard. Take it." But he didn't. I huffed. "Take it or it goes to the police along with you." He reached up cautiously, sliding the metal from my grip and into his own. He clicked on the safety before tucking it back where it was before, stifling a shudder as the coldness of it touched his skin.
"Feeling better now that you have the advantage?" I asked bitterly. He still wasn't talking. Feeling like a bad hostess, I softened up, remembering the exotic scent of rain and asphalt on him. "Do you want something to eat?"
He glanced up, obviously feeling the awkwardness of my asking him that. "No."
Feeling a little light-headed, I sank to the white carpet, curling up so that I sat cross-legged. "Since we've established how obviously awkward this is, I would appreciate some answers about what you were trying to do to me." He looked at me, seeing how vulnerable I was sitting on the floor with a torn shirt and bruises and blood and very disheveled looking. But hey, that's how I was looking at him. As I was staring at him, I noticed a scar on his neck. It wasn't a scar from a vampire bite, but rather from something slicing him. The scar went from his neck and trailed down beneath his shirt. I wondered if he could see my scar that stretched from my chest and down across my body to my side, an identicle, longer one on my back. I'd gotten the scar when I was fourteen. I'd bitten someone--just a random person--and the human had attacked me, pulling out a dagger and slicing through half my body. Being a vampire, I didn't die from the cut--and that was only because I'd figured out that my "condition" could heal my wounds, and the human had paid the price by dying of extreme third-degree burns all over his body. But no one ever found out I'd killed him.
"I'm searching for the Rose Killer," the man said plainly. "He killed a family of three and their dog a day ago--you probably heard about it in the newspaper. When your eyes turned white at the coffee shop, I thought perhaps you knew something about it." He shrugged.
"Before you go any further, I want to know what your name is," I said, thinking that if he didn't tell me, I was going to throw him out of my house and lock all the doors behind him.
"I am Benjamin," he said. "Since I have showed such courtesy as to tell you my name, I'd like to know yours."
I thought about that. Was that wise? I guessed I didn't really have a choice. "Erika. That's all you're gonna get out of me as far as personal information goes," I warned.
"Fair enough." Benjamin shifted on the couch into an upright position. "I'm guessing you don't know anything about the Rose Killer." He almost sounded apologetic.
"No. Just the way he kills people. So far they've all been humans and animals. None of us."
"No, none of us. That may be because he is only human," Bejamin said thoughtfully. "He either doesn't know about us, or that he knows he can't kill us. Both are wise decisions." Brow furrowing, I thought about what the Rose Killer would be doing. He was indefinitely obsessed with roses. They were all over his crime scenes.
"I've never heard him be called the Rose Killer. Is that a nickname you chose?" I was half-joking about that, but Benjamin answered.
"I didn't choose it," he said vulnerably. I longed to comfort him, to get up and sit by him and hold his head to my heart. That would make it all better. But if I did that, something bad would happen. Benjamin was more of a friend to me than anyone I'd met in a very long time, even though he was a complete stranger and had tried to kill me. Man, I pick 'em well.
Deciding that that was all I wanted to know about him and the Rose Killer, I stood up. Benjamin watched me intently. "I'm going to go make something to eat. Do you want something, too?"
"Sure." He stood up and followed me to the kitchen, gazing around at everything when he passed it. I went to the white fridge, thinking a sandwhich would be nice right now. Pulling out the turkey, lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, mustard, and bread, I plopped the ingredients onto the counter. I could feel Benjamin's eyes on me as I got four slices of white bread from the bag before putting the twist-tie on and setting it to the side as I made the two sandwhiches.
"So, Bejamin," I drawled, slapping lettuce and turkey onto the bread, "what do you do for a living?"
"I work at a bakery," he replied matter-of-factly.
"Benjamin the Baker," I mused aloud. "It doesn't fit you. You walk into Starbucks looking like you're broke and homeless, or going to rob the place. I don't remember bakers looking like you do."
"You got a problem with the way I look?" he asked venomously. I turned around, mayo squirt bottle in one hand and mustard in the other. I gave him a once-over, thinking that there was absolutely nothing to complain about except for the vile stench of blood.
"Nope," I said cheerfully, turning back around to finish the sandwhiches. "But I do wonder why you stink of blood. It wouldn't be a normal question that I'd ask a fellow vampire, but when I was smelling you at Starbucks, I wondered if you were..." I let the sentence trail off, not wanting to say it out loud. Thankfully, Benjamin got the message.
"I don't really want to talk about it," he mumbled, sounding like a woman who'd just found out her husband was cheating on her. Mighty suspicious, if you ask me.
"Other than that, you smell, ah, great," I finished lamely. Slicing the two sandwhiches into triangle halves, I placed them on papertowels and handed one to Benjamin. He looked at the food like he was looking at an ocean after a month in the desert.
He bit into the first triangle, chewing slowly. I watched his clean-shaven jaw move with the bites. Wow. He had a nice jawline.
Taking a bite of my own sandwhich, I said out of random thought, "Are you single?" He froze in chewing and looked up at me with surprised eyes. The blue orbs turned sly as he comprehended what I'd just said, and he resumed chewing, a new amusement to his bite.
"Yeah," he said after he'd swallowed. Oh, God, why had I asked that?
Lestat: What have we told you? Never in the house.

Claudia: I promise I'll get rid of the bodies.




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First of all, can you please space your paragraphs?

Ok onto nitty gritty of chapter 1

-The amount of killings was rising, and these humans were killed like all the rest.-

I have mixed feelings on this paragraph. In a way, it cleverly hints the reader that there is something unusual about this character, but then again, it reveals a bit too much. You decide on what to do.

-Their blood and organs had been drained into the upstairs bathtub, and their stomachs had been sliced into the design of a rose.-

The blood and organs kinda put me off, but the slicing into a rose shape I believe is a classic! Well done

-I am a living vampire. I have all the advantages of an undead vampire, but none of the weaknesses. Well, except for one, but it isn't really a weakness for all vampires. When I take blood or feel a strong emotion, I flame up. My body catches fire, but only the things around me burn. -

Show! Don't tell. We don't want to know so directly that she was a vampire.

For a vampire story set in urban times, this had much thought and ideas put into it. This was a good read.

I loved the way on how you described the setting and the fight scene. It was well done.

My only concern is the personality of the narrator. I don't really like her. She seems to be a bit stale. Maybe try putting more thought into the narrator?
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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*

Taking a long gulp of coffee, I turned the page.


I don’t think you can take a ‘long’ gulp of coffee.

His stringy dark brown hair hung over his eyes, making them invisible to me.

His head was down, his rich brown hair falling over his face again.


Previously, you described his hair as ‘stringy’, which gives the impression that his hair isn’t very nice looking. And now it’s ‘rich’?

"What do you know!" he shouted, gun pointing carelessly at my thigh. It didn't make me feel any better that he had his finger on the trigger. "What do you know!" he yelled again.


Those exclamation marks ought to be question marks instead, since you have the ‘shouted and ‘yelled’ we know he’s angry as he says those words.

*

It was until Benjamin entered the story that I really became gripped. I’m not too sure I like the rose-organs, only because roses are used to symbolize a lot of things and I know you can think of something else, something unusual or so ordinary it makes you think twice about it.

Several times you spell Benjamin wrong, you also have other spelling mistakes like ‘sandwhich’ instead of sandwich. Use spell check before posting or on Word.

I look forward to reading more.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'



We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
— Mark Twain