Last One Standing

Prologue

We met in a hospital. Okay, pretty weird huh? It’s not everyday you meet your best ever friends in a hospital is it? Well, we did. Faye was the first to go in. At first they thought it was just a stomach bug that she had but boy did they get a shock when the test results came in. She was there for a week and had the whole room to herself. It was luxury and being a 10 year old spoiled little brat with rich parents, she got everything she wanted. But then came Miriana. Or Miri. When she came, suddenly Faye wasn’t allowed all the stuff she wanted; Miri's mother was a very influential person. Faye put up a fight. She didn’t want to share her room. And she didn’t want to give up all her privileges and she definitely, didn’t want to share her room. It was when I came, they realised how silly they were acting. Because me, being oh so innocent and pure, coming from a Boarding School, having the perfect life, the perfect house, the perfect parents and the perfect friends, was so shocked to find these two girls flying at each others throats. And the language?! I ask you! It was horrible. Of course now I have come quite accustomed and familiar with these words, (much to my mother's disappointment,) that it doesn’t bother me in the least. But they cracked up laughing at me and were all suddenly the best of buddies because they had finally found something they could agree on. I, was absolutely hilarious. I didn’t mind though. As soon as I found out what the joke was, I laughed along. Then, last, came Rachel. She had been transferred from a different town, and had been in and out of hospital since she was 6. We were so amazed by this new-comer. Because all three of us, had been having too much fun to notice what situation we were in until she came. Suddenly it was like we just sat down and realised that we could die. Miri hated her. Miri had a fierce temper and was forever going into a tantrum for the slightest thing, (except not with us,) but this of course, wasn’t the slightest thing so it was much more than a tantrum. We all kept our hate for Rachel quiet, but of course, we kept everything quiet from Rachel. She wasn’t one of us, and she was so sullen and sultry that we didn’t talk to her at all except for, can you pass me the remote, or, do you want my peas. But one day when Rachel was crying, (this was probably the main on her agenda apart from 'feeling sorry for yourself') Miri exploded. She yelled at her and called her a baby and heaps of other horrible things. Rachel cried. But this time they were different tears. ‘I’m Sorry’, tears. And that was the end of our hate for Rachel. She was one of us. Best Friends. We were all 10, all had the same condition, and all the shared the same room. We were best friends, even when we got out of hospital. And strangely enough, maybe it was because we were such good friends, the nurses always put us in the same room together. With no one else, but us. Gradually we grew up together. We had our first periods, first crush, first kiss, first boyfriend, you know, all that stuff. We cried together when Miri got worse and was moved to a different hospital, we laughed when we made a nurse quit the job and move to Australia. We did everything together. Last week we all went into Intensive Care. That was the first time we’d ever not been in the same room for such a long period of time. I was in there for ages. I could just picture Miri, Faye and Rachel sitting and waiting for me. Finally I was taken out. I had improved immensely. I couldn’t wait to tell the girls. They’d be so happy for me. When I got to our room, I threw open the door and ran over to where they were sitting. Except they weren’t sitting there. It was someone else. I spun around to my mum.
“Where are they?” I yelled.
“Where are they? And WHY is she on Miri’s bed?”
My mum looked at me sadly.
“Darling,” she began.
Okay, I thought. They’re just still in I.C. And she’s just a practise nurse. They’re alright, they’re alright. It was like my mantra. They’re alright.
“Sweetie, Honey, your friends aren’t coming back.”
I looked at her blankly. But I knew perfectly well what she was going to say. It was like one of those reality shows on T.V. ‘It started with four girls, but who will be left at the end?’ The whole world went out of focus. There was a pit at the bottom of my stomach and slowly it was spreading to the rest of my body.
“They’re, ahem, Dead.” she finished.
The pit reached my head and I collapsed. I was the last one standing.

Please give me any critism or whatever, cos yeah. Ta,

Overall, you have a solid prologue here. I actually quite enjoyed it. However, there were some things that are pretty insignificant, but need to be fixed anyway. Red is where I've changed something:

Prologue

We met in a hospital. Okay, pretty weird huh? It’s not everyday you meet your best ever friends in a hospital is it? Well, we did. [new paragraph]
Faye was the first to go in. At first they thought it was just a stomach bug that she had but boy, did they get a shock when the test results came in. She was there for a week and had the whole room to herself. It was luxury, and being a 10 year old spoiled little brat with rich parents, she got everything she wanted. But then came Miriana - or Miri. When she came, suddenly Faye wasn’t allowed all the stuff she wanted; Miri's mother was a very influential person. Faye put up a fight. She didn’t want to share her room, and she didn’t want to give up all her privileges and she definitely[part removed]. [New paragraph]
It was when I came that they realised how silly they were acting. Because I, being oh-so innocent and pure, coming from a Boarding School, having the perfect life, the perfect house, the perfect parents and the perfect friends, was so shocked to find these two girls flying at each others throats. And the language?! I ask you! It was horrible. Of course now I have become quite accustomed and familiar with these words, (much to my mother's disappointment,) that it doesn’t bother me in the least. But they cracked up laughing at me and were all suddenly the best of buddies because they had finally found something they could agree on. I [comma removed] was absolutely hilarious. I didn’t mind though. As soon as I found out what the joke was, I laughed along. [New paragraph]
Then, last, came Rachel. She had been transferred from a different town, and had been in and out of hospital since she was 6. We were so amazed by this new-comer. Because all three of us [comma removed] had been having too much fun to notice what situation we were in until she came. Suddenly it was like we just sat down and realised that we could die. Miri hated her. She had a fierce temper and was forever going into a tantrum for the slightest thing, (except not with us,) but this of course [comma removed] wasn’t the slightest thing so it was much more than a tantrum. We all kept our hate for Rachel quiet, but of course, we kept everything quiet from Rachel. She wasn’t one of us, and she was so sullen and [find another word - sultry doesn't work] that we didn’t talk to her at all except for, "Can you pass me the remote?" or, "Do you want my peas?" But one day when Rachel was crying, (this was probably the main on her agenda apart from feeling sorry for herself) Miri exploded. She yelled at her and called her a baby and heaps of other horrible things. Rachel cried. But this time they were different tears; ‘I’m Sorry’, tears. And that was the end of our hate for Rachel. She was one of us. Best Friends. [New paragraph]
We were all 10, all had the same condition, and all the shared the same room. We were best friends, even when we got out of hospital. And strangely enough, maybe it was because we were such good friends, the nurses always put us in the same room together. With no one else [comma removed] but us. Gradually we grew up together. We had our first periods, first crush, first kiss, first boyfriend, you know, all that stuff. We cried together when Miri got worse and was moved to a different hospital, we laughed when we made a nurse quit the job and move to Australia. We did everything together.
Last week we all went into Intensive Care. That was the first time we’d ever been in separate rooms for such a long period of time. I was in there for ages. I could just picture Miri, Faye and Rachel sitting and waiting for me. Finally I was taken out. I had improved immensely. I couldn’t wait to tell the girls. They’d be so happy for me. When I got to our room, I threw open the door and ran over to where they should have been sitting. Except they weren’t sitting there. It was someone else. I spun around to my mum.
“Where are they?” I yelled.
“Where are they? And WHY is she on Miri’s bed?”
My mum looked at me sadly.
“Darling,” she began.
Okay, I thought. They’re just still in I.C. And she’s just a practise nurse. They’re alright, they’re alright. It was like my mantra. They’re alright.
“Sweetie, Honey, your friends aren’t coming back.”
I looked at her blankly. But I knew perfectly well what she was going to say. It was like one of those reality shows on T.V. ‘It started with four girls, but who will be left at the end?’ The whole world went out of focus. There was a pit at the bottom of my stomach and slowly it was spreading to the rest of my body.
“They’re, ahem, Dead.” she finished.
The pit reached my head and I collapsed. I was the last one standing.

If you change those things I think it'll just read that that extra bit better. Still, I really like the direction you're taking this in, and you conveyed emotion exceptionally well. Great work.

Keep writing. Always keep writing.

I'd take out all the perinthesis, just make it real grammar with commas and what not, maybe make the sentences shorter in that case? Break up the first paragraph, that's WAY too long! Some of the story has a bit of a childish side, and the characters seem a little flat, which I think is due to the way its narrated.

It was like one of those reality shows on T.V.

television, spell it out

It was a bit melodramatic. You should tell us what was wrong with them, and instead of just retelling things, actually tell the story. Try to use proper punctuation also. the jump from 'we were friends' to 'the rest of them died' was real little and left no room for sympathy/empathy for the main character, so I didn't even care. You should have us connect with the main character, give us something we can all relate to: the loss of a best friend. but show it better. Like I said, its all because you retold the story, instead of just giving us a story. Show the story, don't tell it.

But as said above, keep writing! You'll improve, trust me.

thanks guys, now as an answer to some of your stuff, there is more of the story, this is just the prologue. thanks tho anyway, ive been trying to get people to actually tell me stuff but they were all too nice to me. ^_^

im writing the story from a 15/16 year olds point of view so im not going to use words like television, that someone that age wouldnt use.

well, if your only going to say things that 15/16 year olds would say or think, then things wouldn't be described as much. think about it, how many times have your thoughts been as they would be in a book, describing words, and writing out whole words instead of abbreviations are what actually make the story. but that's just my opinion. Also, i like the story, it has that side that makes me want it to be longer, but like Claudette said, there should be more emotion, because emotion is what most readers look for, i mean, it would be completely boring to read an emotionless story, especially if you plan it on being 200-300 pages or however long its gonna be.

thanks for that. yeah, i get where youre coming from. dont worry theres reasons behind the lack of emotions in it, but it does get more in depth and stuff later on.