whence

Where are the line breaks?!?! Right now, this looks more like prose. I'll crit it if you fix that, or if you move it to a proper place. But as ...

Evan looked about his new quarters. Amazingly, it smelled strongly of dry rot and mold at the same time. The cinder block wall meandered around in an irregular octagon, eventually ...

Fallopian seams trace vas deferens dreams through latex whispers and clammy thrust screams; A coat hanger prelude to this Misoprostol sigh begs hormone comforts: ‘Live’ essence must die. Knitting

Instead of using the old cliches to describe things, take that same image and find a completely new way to get others to think of it. Or, better yet, think ...

I sure hope the grass is greener elsewhere-- it's looking pretty bare here. Read around. You'll pick up tricks. Pay attention to what you like and how to emulate it; ...

I suggest reading this out loud to yourself. I expect you'll find many instances where the words catch in your mouth. Fix these and you'll fix the flow, which right ...

You're opening example fails to show satire, and could be stronger. Also, I think perhaps some common ingredient to all 4 stanzas would be beneficial, a refrain, perhaps? As it ...

Whence walks in. Gazing about, he promptly walks right back out as Snoink risks beheading him with the yo yo she was now swinging with great fervor.

definitely Bugs. Is that even a contest?

Oy. I have 3 lonely, ickle yellow ones. I must remedy that!!! ....once finals are over. :(

Whence assured himself that the trip would be worth it in the end. Lancrist was a totaltarian after all, and thus his fate was assured. No... Lan wasn't the issue ...

Name: Whence Age: 26 Weapons: Katana , Glock , customized taser-gun , knife-on-a-string [more on that later], titanium umbrella . World/room: Randomocity World Jumping Status: Jumped to Piratepolis, n

I can see why you picked this to be critiqued. It's very, very, good. You give a very clear setting, and the reader can immerse themselves into the imagery. I'd ...

he doesn't seem to understand much. Was he always that way? Seems like he came out the worse in a microwave tousle...

My parents used to be politely curious as to what I was writing all the time. i just made nondescript grunts and gestures. Eventually, I read them 4 or 5 ...