trackgal6

This is very good like the rest of your story, but it kind of seemed to slow down a little. You might lose the readers attention during this section. I ...

This is very good, the only thing I can think of is that in the end you say "I guess" 3 times, and it just seemed to stick out. This ...

I held the soda in my mouth, letting it's cold fizziness burn my mouth. Finally I had to swallow it. It hurt too much. I love this description, soda does ...

EDIT: Sorry-double post

Thanks for the tips! You're right about the 'Daddy' thing, I just completely overlooked it. :D I'll go make those changes now.

Sorry this took so long to post. I've been out of town a lot and haven't had a lot of time to write. I think this should go with chapter ...

"made by a guy who spend" spent "I was pretty much pissed the rest of the day, then I got home." I think that these are two completely different thoughts ...

Text when you get home? Why text, wouldn't it be easier just to call? drive and started her drive out of town. You say drive twice here and it sounds ...

grew louder and louder until found herself screaming then she realized her bedroom no longer had furniture in i Either make this to sentences, or add a comma. The room ...

grew louder and louder until found herself screaming then she realized her bedroom no longer had furniture in i Either make this to sentences, or add a comma. The room ...

Girls! Girls, wake up! We've got a mule's cart of work to get done today, and it won't get itself done if you're still in Dream World! You use the ...

Here's as a short story. I changed the conflict a little because Jill has to be mad at Laurie, and this way Laurie doesn't sound so much like a slut. ...

Okay, I need help. Should I just change it to a short story? I think it would be so much easier. I want the story to be about Laurie, because ...

wow, thanks that was really helpful. I'm up to the challengeg! :D

This is very creative. It seems like a dream, with all the things happening, and then also tells you about her past. Very creepy. Quote: Her neck and a rope ...