tauhou

Indeed, you do need to work on proper sentence structure and grammatical things. It was hard to read, as well, but it is really very good. Though... the jump from ...

I'm a little confused. It was a very powerful, moving piece, but unless I'm reading wrongly, I can't see the suicide part. Maybe making it a little clearer? But I ...

You have potential there. A lot of my own crits have already been said - particularly by Shriek (apologies if I have your name wrong =P). Hmm... Try like they ...