silentpages

“Don't worry boss, agh, I got this.” The more I look at it, the more that 'agh' makes me fidget. It inturrupts the dialogue, it's not really necessary, and he ...

"He could either dash out the door in an amazing act of stupidity and die a heroic and brave death, or he could turn on his heel and flee out ...

First of all, isn't it spelled 'prologue', not 'prolouge' ;) Always remember to proofread. "Sweat was dripping down my forhead into my eyes making it hard to see" Forehead. Comma ...

"Flicking her eyes up, a blond haired man with mysterious deep blue eyes and a pointed nose sitting in the fourth row glanced in her direction" Lots of description for ...

" we are, I think, fragile little things, and even more breakable in the face of such horrors." This is a great little piece of reflection - a snapshot of ...

Great imagery throughout this... I liked the lines about how his head feels, and the voice he's hearing. "We have no food, no water, no weapons." Weren't these escape pods ...

"The flames cloud my vision" Flames don't cloud anything. Smoke? Sure! Or maybe the shimmering heat of the flames could obscure her vision... But flames aren't really 'cloudy' in my ...

In the beginning, I thought that Chelsea knew who was giving her the thought. If you're going to make her think that the thought was her own, maybe you should ...

“Just hand me that towel, will you?” As far as first lines go, I suppose this works... Dialogue is a good way to pull a person into a story. But ...

"Only the worst of the worst made it onto Eetoo's row in this game, they were the ones with the highest chance of being tapped out." This sentence should be ...

Interesting poem thing at the beginning. I liked the start of the south, when it talked about dark hands ripping from the ground. Very good imagery throughout. The only problem ...

I think you did a good job of developing the atmosphere of this, and giving us an idea of what this community is like, and what the people in this ...

"Ever since Tallor was a very young boy, he was tall, skinny, pale, heavy lidded, dark haired, and dark eyed. Just as he was when he turned fourteen." First of ...

"I awoke to the steady beat of pacing footsteps. My eyes fluttered open to find that it was a fifteen or sixteen year old boy with dark brown, curly hair ...

"I hate having to leave its dirty streets," Most people would want to leave dirty streets, so I would maybe add a little something to this, about why he loves ...