sargsauce

So umm....what? Not sure how to take this story. "The killer disease?" "The bad cells dominated his whole body?" "He did some physical tests to examine his health?" Events happen ...

It's all right. But the major driving force of flash fiction is the pointedness of the writing. The sharp stake that delivers the message and theme and all of it ...

she strolled over. Shannon settles in a stool beside him. Right between those, you switched tenses. Watch out for that. Either make everything before that present or everything after that ...

It was a well-written piece, but lacks anything that drives it forward. Eavesdropping on normal children talking is not really the most compelling literary device, and, told second-hand, comes across ...

Fighting was all James was good for. In a ring, bare knuckles, spotlight burning sun, roaring crowd like surf, the other man'd rue waking up, not kissing his lady one ...

First thing's first. Proofread. Before you do that, you'll need to brush up on a few rules. Dialogue punctuation and capitalization. Read this over: Then see how it applies to ...

So, on a site for young writers like this, we have seen people committing suicide countless times. Jumping, cutting, guns, etc. Even more, almost all of these stories are comprised ...

All in all, what you have here is a journal entry, not a story. Unfortunately, we're looking for a story here: exposition, conflict, resolution. But all you have here is ...

Well, since I don't understand much in the way of plot from this little bit, I'll focus my comment on voice. Indeed, the syntax is odd, but not unwelcome. There's ...

Dialogue punctuation. Proper punctuation for dialogues goes like this (and using your single quotation mark, instead of my usual double): 'This is dialogue,' he said. 'And this is dialogue!' she ...

I'm going to focus on nitpicks, because there are a lot of little things that we need to work through before we get to the grander scheme. The nights stride ...

So color me confused. Your general narration (that is, when you discuss exposition and the narrator's thoughts and personality) is quite good. When talking about the grandma, the narrator's hobbies, ...

So what's there to say? Hmm...probably not too much. This is a very good, thoughtful piece, laden with emotion. Each sentence reads like a sleepy memoir or a wistful epitaph. ...

Aww. The emotion was very good. My 16-year-old cat (known for 15 years) died about 4 years ago. I was away at college at the time, but my dad told ...

Very good writing here, sir. The first paragraph is solid. Establishes mood, the narrator's state of mind, and--even with just that one, first sentence--we're given some insight to "the girl." ...