sargsauce

Well, now that you have this, take your writing and write something that you put a little more heart into. Chances are you'll succeed. One may think that because the ...

Housekeeping. You don't capitalize "sir" unless it's a title like Sir Elton John. But as a word of respect, it's just, "How are you, sir?" Grinning madly, shuffling a deck ...

I'm guessing this is just a synopsis and you're looking for audience approval before you flesh out the story, correct? Well, honestly, it's a bit tacky. The government created "ultimate ...

Are you sure you didn't want this piece in one of the poetry sections? Or in Other? As it stands now, this isn't a story at all. And without any ...

"Oh! My! God!" I yelled so loud, my voice was probably heard in the thermosphere. ... "Oh, my God!" She yelled so loud her voice was probably heard in the ...

Good stuff. Paced and pensive. I can appreciate the truth of the whole thing. But while it was showing that his feelings came full circle and repeated themselves and established ...

Quite entertaining. Reminded me of Animal Farm , just a bit more--shall I say--passionate? The story and premise and your direction are good. Wording like this: First, the cheers begin, ...

Curious! One thing, before I forget, is that the number changed here. And he said it that way, too. I didn't miss anything did I? It was a queer moment, ...

Soooo...now what? Is this just a campfire story? Or will there be more? The words are okay, but it's so quick and cursory that we don't even know what your ...

Hellooo!!! I was perusing the novels and found this! I just read all 5 chapters in one go. Overall great stuff, really. The macabre parts are dark and Victorian (pun?), ...

The first 5.8k words of a novella I've been puttering about. This probably represents about 1/5 of the forecasted total for the piece, and translates to about 23 pages, assuming ...

I like your intention; the subject matter is delicate and the situation is appropriate. I like your emotion; the character seems like a lost puppy. I like the character; for ...

Well, you haven't given us much so far, but as you write this, you must consider what a poetry format offers us that a prose format cannot. Why did you ...

There there, dasiamari. Tinny's point is valid. We come to the forum expecting to read a story. Or, in the event that the story is not finished yet, at least ...

Your writing is pretty good. It's thoughtful, developed, and paced. You give us insight into the narrator at appropriate points. One major point: Do away with extraneous wording. The worst ...