sargsauce

Much agreed with Wooster's critique of your wordiness and your "I'm sure you can imagine" stuff. The forty-plus sleepless hours showing like a broadway musical on my face. ...What? The ...

[Thanks for reading]

Major points: First: "The End." Don't say that, unless you mean it ironically, like you're spoofing an old-timey movie that usually says "The End" with a positive feeling. If you ...

Don Matteo was no Don Juan, as much as he wished. He was more of a Don Quixote. He lived on the shore of reality, sometimes dipping his feet into ...

Pretty good. Your general foundation is good, so I won't bother with the little things. Pain courses through every inch of my body like a wild fire Just a bit ...

First off: It's customers, not costumers. I was about halfway through the story when I realized it wasn't Halloween and no one was wearing costumes. So proofread. Even if it ...

First person, past tense...anecdote/story as description? ---------------------------------- Obviously, his name wasn't John Fist. That would just be stupid--like a hot-tempered, loose cannon detectiv

Well, in general, an interesting story. Your spelling and grammar and story direction were good, but there are some overarching problems that I'll discuss. 1) It reads as extremely formal. ...

This isn't a story. It's a list. A list of reasons why you like to wear purple-tinted glasses. I like the "Hello Darling" part. Then everything after that is just...well, ...

Just a suggestion for the opening paragraph of his story. I assume the narrator wants to make it suspenseful. You can use line breaks to this effect. It would also ...

I took way too long to write that -_-

Some thoughts. So I think what one of your basic assumptions is that Dimensions are independent. That you can exist in a higher dimension without existing in a lower dimension. ...

First and foremost: Paragraphs. Use paragraphs. Times to use paragraphs include: 1) When different people speak. "What's wrong with your face?" (some time later) "Fight fight fight" (later still) "Why

The opening paragraph is great. Hook line and sinker. Present tense, second person narrative. You're tiptoeing a fine line between bold/daring and making me annoyed. For the most part, it ...

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