rosethorn

Comprehensable message and it flows rather nicely. There are a few errors as far as spelling goes. But I'll leave those for SpellCheck to catch. Everything makes great sense and ...

Erm...Celebrating isn't quite the term. But we recognize Christmas, the standard kind with the presents and the tree, but with no real meaning. I even use "recognize" loosly. Typically Christmas. ...

Very rare to see it at all, by the looks of it. :shock:

Unless it is absolutely necessary for the story, you should name your characters. It is agitating for them to only differ between "young" man and "old" man. Seeing that you ...

Very much forced the rhyming. Grossly forced. If you were to ease the rhyming, you would open so many doors for yourself. There are a million words to choose from ...

You are shaping a very real world here and at a good pace. Nice start. Dialogue is always a nice start. There is a city here. It seems to be ...

A crowded room, dimly lit and smoky, she rested her head on his lap. The air was warm and smelled fresh with sweat. David and Karli were damp with it, ...

It draws a very clear parallel. I like the idea. The idea of "playdough" is actually great. Because this is a serious idea but it's also comical because it's playdough. ...

This is incredibly creative and intriguing! :D I love the "teenage lingo". I can't even say that you shove all this future stuff in our faces because that's really what ...

Only a tiny sliver of whitened silver hung delicately from the sky, drifting above the orange aura that seeped through the city. This isn't a correction really, but just something ...

It's very nice to begin a story with action, as you have done. But the first paragraph is dragging. Condense it. To the point and on with the story, if ...

Some cool suspense here, though the beginning is unclear. I woke up in a room, I hope. I knew exactly what this was about. I was seeing a woman: a ...

Interesting that this would come up. Before I was ever a writer, I was a roleplayer. Roleplaying actually comes before writing for me. Not acting. I'm not one for audiences. ...

Gorgeous lines and flow. I can sense the message is strong but it's full of holes and somewhat unclear. There isn't much revealing the thoughts you are trying to bring ...

First of all, let me comment on this: What's up with your formatting? The way you wrote this out might be excusable in poetry.. Might. But for non-fiction? No. What ...