perdido

Sealegs, again, you nailed it. Short poems like this are tricky because EVERY word has to be perfect, and so does the title. And actually, I once published a poem ...

Like sealegs said, rhyming should be your last priority, form should NEVER dictate content. What it really needs is more sensory detail. I'm sure you've heard the term "show don't ...

This is pretty good... for a rookie yellow canary cabs shuffle around corners to other corners well, you know the form. In a poem this short, every word has to ...

didn't really make a whole lot of sense. Left a lot to be desired. I want you to put aside all the cliches (bridges burning, etc.) and include some sensory ...

I will add, (and Conrad's right about everything), but I would just add that one element that I think worked (and I think it was unintentional) Was the unreliable narrator. ...

CONDENSE. So many unnecessary words. You start off with kind of a limericky gallop, but the flow is COMPLETELY wrong by the time the first stanza closes. If you are ...

Snoink, your greatest ally while revising this will be condensation. There are so many unnecessary words, as a reader it was pretty hard on me. It'll be a lot stronger ...

its really good that you go through all of the senses. If anything, this seems like an exercise on sensory detail. You use smoke twice, and I'd avoid that because ...

you're right, it is missing something. William Carlos Williams once said "No poetry except in things." There are no things in your poem, nor are there any sensory details. I'd ...

you got a little carried away with the rhyming. This is your scheme: ABAC AAAA ABCA AAAA AAAA its not even consistently inconsistent. Condensation will be your most effective tool ...

I thought that the God's blue sink thing was imaginative. Other then that it kind of dragged along, nothing really interesting is going on. My advice is to try again ...

i really like "bones starved of sin" this poem has a really stony flavor, i think you could change that by adding a little more expressive language, as it stands ...

This replying to a post with several poems in it is really daunting for me. so I'm going to focus my attention on the penultimate one, and then maybe come ...

no no no. Too much. You need to condense and there is absolutely no reason for 18 consecutive lines to all start with the word "of." There is a much ...

i like yr limerick. You've got some good stuff going on. I like your second one the best, it had the best energy flow and structure. I enjoyed the imagery ...