onceuponatim3xo

This was really good, great job! It was very suspenseful and kept me reading. A few things though: Lance cursed silently. It seems like he's cursing in his mind, I ...

That was excellent! You definitely have a talent! Some nit-picky stuff: Captain Bear had found it in Arabia, while rummaging through the Veronica’s engine. That sounds much better, me-thinks :) ...

It was in the title, it's called "The End" and under that it says "If you like vampires"

Um, wow, as kittykat said before me, this was very strange. Rae's attitude was very, um, different. You're story does flow very well, but it's a little odd. Also, vampire ...

My back began to ache as I sat up, omit comma and I ran my hand through my knott[s]y[/s] ed , unbrushed hair. I yawned, ey e ing the board ...

Anyone? :D

awesome thank you so much! :D

The day continued on like any other except the excitement and promise of the later adventure. This sentence is very awkward try something like "The day continued on like any ...

Good job with this, it's very down to earth and believable on your character's parts. Nitpicks: My brother was already in there, brushing his teeth in the obnoxious way he ...

I was wondering, how do you make it so that when you have a link you can just put the word 'here' and it'll light up in blue and when ...

Okay, so I'm very, very thourough when I edit and I do not miss a thing that needs to be fixed. Which means that, yes, I will shred your story ...

I like your plot so far, but it seems like you rushed into it. The whole thing about the government causing the disease seems a bit abrupt and you keep ...

For the prologue, I would just completely get rid of that if I were you. You tend to be info-dumping the entire time (which means that you tell the reader ...

Good job! :D I like how you address the reader and how you have so many big questions to them. All right, on to the crit: PREFACE If you could ...

To answer your question, dear, yes, this one is much, much more realistic than the first. Awesome, thanks, I was worried if it was or not.